Very disgusted and discouraged.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 36
Very disgusted and discouraged.
I am so disgusted with my AH and with me. I put the car back in storage. I took about 70 percent of resources out of the bank and moved it over to an account in my name at a different bank and was planning on closing that account when all the checks/payments have gone through. Other resources like investments he can't get to anyway without my signature, so I'm not too worried about that. AH is getting rides to meetings (sometimes). He gets a ride to work (he works two hours at night) from a friend who happens to go that way on his way home, and I have reluctantly agreed to pick him up since he would have to walk across two major highways to get home. I've been reading the Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay book, knowing full well I can't stay, but i must be very dense. stay/go/stay/go. Ugh.
A week ago, I had off. About a year ago, my mother with dementia was moved into a memory unit, so I have about ten huge tubs of her stuff in the back of our basement, and I thought it was a great opportunity to filter through so I can to discard/donate/keep things. Well, lo and behold, a found dozens of empty beer cans (and a few full beers that he must have forgotten), tucked away inside her stuff. I was very angry and upset and disappointed, but I didn't say anything to him. I kept my cool and just put everything in recycles, went to the gym, just to relieve some stress, but I have to say I'm having trouble sleeping.
The next day he got drunk out of his mind, missed worked, and then took off the next day off "to recover."
Saturday it was 100 degrees here. He hates the heat. There was a festival going on in town. It's very loud and we can hear it from nearly a mile away. A lot of people were having barbecues, blaring music. I stayed inside trying to get caught up on work while he sat outside, in the heat, reading a book (he never reads), drinking soda. I went outside. Something weird happens to his face when he drinks. He gets two lines on his forehead right above his eyes that are never there when he's sober. (Is that strange or what?) I asked him if he was drinking.
Oh, no, of course not.
Are you sure??
Of course not! I said I wasn't drinking, and I'm not drinking.
Oo-kay.
He said, "This neighborhood is changing."
I said nothing, but thought to myself, "No, you're the one who's changing. For the worse. I'd like to change, too., but for the better."
Later that night when the fireworks were going off, I stepped outside. He was drinking his soda sitting on the wall. I noticed when I came out, he threw it into the bushes. I picked it up. It was half full of whiskey and soda. Great. I asked him when did he start drinking whiskey. He said a month ago. He's always hated any of the hard alcohol. This is a new thing for him. He told me, "You ruined the fireworks for me now," and went inside. I am disgusted by his behavior.
Yesterday morning, he wanted to go to church. I thought maybe he was going to show some remorse, but no, nothing. What a hypocrite. The pastor preached on character and guarding your reputation. I almost laughed out loud. Later he started quoting scriptures to me about marriage. I couldn't even listen to him. I have no idea what he even said. Then he had the audacity to tell me that I vowed that I would stay in the marriage for better or worse. I couldn't speak to him the rest of the day. What kind of alien has this man become to me?
Today he told me he was taking off of work because "he didn't feel like going to work." Then I checked our bank account, and he took out another $100 for alcohol which I will have to replace tomorrow as the remaining checks will bounce if I don't.
I am so discouraged. I say nothing to him, but I do feel like shaking him with all my might, and saying, "WTF ARE YOU DOING TO US," even though I know I can't control, change or cure him. I see him spiraling so far downwards. I just wish I could get him to leave, instead of me having to leave. And I get it. I'm trying to practice the JADE thing, do not justify, argue, debate or explain. But I am having a hard time watching his downfall. I know I'm rambling. I know I cannot stay, but STILL I'm having a hard time leaving. What's up with that???
Trying to stay calm.....I need sleep. I've been up all night replaying the last few days. Pray I get some rest.
A week ago, I had off. About a year ago, my mother with dementia was moved into a memory unit, so I have about ten huge tubs of her stuff in the back of our basement, and I thought it was a great opportunity to filter through so I can to discard/donate/keep things. Well, lo and behold, a found dozens of empty beer cans (and a few full beers that he must have forgotten), tucked away inside her stuff. I was very angry and upset and disappointed, but I didn't say anything to him. I kept my cool and just put everything in recycles, went to the gym, just to relieve some stress, but I have to say I'm having trouble sleeping.
The next day he got drunk out of his mind, missed worked, and then took off the next day off "to recover."
Saturday it was 100 degrees here. He hates the heat. There was a festival going on in town. It's very loud and we can hear it from nearly a mile away. A lot of people were having barbecues, blaring music. I stayed inside trying to get caught up on work while he sat outside, in the heat, reading a book (he never reads), drinking soda. I went outside. Something weird happens to his face when he drinks. He gets two lines on his forehead right above his eyes that are never there when he's sober. (Is that strange or what?) I asked him if he was drinking.
Oh, no, of course not.
Are you sure??
Of course not! I said I wasn't drinking, and I'm not drinking.
Oo-kay.
He said, "This neighborhood is changing."
I said nothing, but thought to myself, "No, you're the one who's changing. For the worse. I'd like to change, too., but for the better."
Later that night when the fireworks were going off, I stepped outside. He was drinking his soda sitting on the wall. I noticed when I came out, he threw it into the bushes. I picked it up. It was half full of whiskey and soda. Great. I asked him when did he start drinking whiskey. He said a month ago. He's always hated any of the hard alcohol. This is a new thing for him. He told me, "You ruined the fireworks for me now," and went inside. I am disgusted by his behavior.
Yesterday morning, he wanted to go to church. I thought maybe he was going to show some remorse, but no, nothing. What a hypocrite. The pastor preached on character and guarding your reputation. I almost laughed out loud. Later he started quoting scriptures to me about marriage. I couldn't even listen to him. I have no idea what he even said. Then he had the audacity to tell me that I vowed that I would stay in the marriage for better or worse. I couldn't speak to him the rest of the day. What kind of alien has this man become to me?
Today he told me he was taking off of work because "he didn't feel like going to work." Then I checked our bank account, and he took out another $100 for alcohol which I will have to replace tomorrow as the remaining checks will bounce if I don't.
I am so discouraged. I say nothing to him, but I do feel like shaking him with all my might, and saying, "WTF ARE YOU DOING TO US," even though I know I can't control, change or cure him. I see him spiraling so far downwards. I just wish I could get him to leave, instead of me having to leave. And I get it. I'm trying to practice the JADE thing, do not justify, argue, debate or explain. But I am having a hard time watching his downfall. I know I'm rambling. I know I cannot stay, but STILL I'm having a hard time leaving. What's up with that???
Trying to stay calm.....I need sleep. I've been up all night replaying the last few days. Pray I get some rest.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
painful as it may be, it might behoove you to drop the "US" concept.
ya'll are on way different paths now. divergent. he's fully committed to HIS path. and not likely to just wake up tomorrow and GET it.
you have already started plan to protect your financial resources. well done. that is so vitally important. we need to have a sense of empowerment, individuality and independence and not be financially beholden to someone who is so unstable and unfocused.
what are you willing to do next? i mean it would be great to wrap him in duct tape and roll him out the door, but that's frowned upon. so how can you best move forward from here?
ya'll are on way different paths now. divergent. he's fully committed to HIS path. and not likely to just wake up tomorrow and GET it.
you have already started plan to protect your financial resources. well done. that is so vitally important. we need to have a sense of empowerment, individuality and independence and not be financially beholden to someone who is so unstable and unfocused.
what are you willing to do next? i mean it would be great to wrap him in duct tape and roll him out the door, but that's frowned upon. so how can you best move forward from here?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by sheepherder 
I know I cannot stay, but STILL I'm having a hard time leaving. What's up with that???
Yes, this is the person you married and loved at one time, he's standing right there in front of you.
No one ever said it was going to be easy. I have never heard one person here say, wow, I left my spouse and damn that was easy!!
It's hard, you have to go against those feelings, whatever they are, pack your bags and get the heck out of there. You have to steel yourself and in fact hurt yourself and that is where many people get stuck, who wants to hurt themselves and the other person? Not many I've seen.
So you wait and you wait and nothing changes, in fact it gets worse. He lies, he drinks, he rambles.
It's hard, it hurts and you just have to do it anyway, that's how you overcome that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by sheepherder
I am so disgusted with my AH and with me. I put the car back in storage. I took about 70 percent of resources out of the bank and moved it over to an account in my name at a different bank and was planning on closing that account when all the checks/payments have gone through. Other resources like investments he can't get to anyway without my signature, so I'm not too worried about that. AH is getting rides to meetings (sometimes). He gets a ride to work (he works two hours at night) from a friend who happens to go that way on his way home, and I have reluctantly agreed to pick him up since he would have to walk across two major highways to get home. I've been reading the Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay book, knowing full well I can't stay, but i must be very dense. stay/go/stay/go. Ugh.
A week ago, I had off. About a year ago, my mother with dementia was moved into a memory unit, so I have about ten huge tubs of her stuff in the back of our basement, and I thought it was a great opportunity to filter through so I can to discard/donate/keep things. Well, lo and behold, a found dozens of empty beer cans (and a few full beers that he must have forgotten), tucked away inside her stuff. I was very angry and upset and disappointed, but I didn't say anything to him. I kept my cool and just put everything in recycles, went to the gym, just to relieve some stress, but I have to say I'm having trouble sleeping.
The next day he got drunk out of his mind, missed worked, and then took off the next day off "to recover."
Saturday it was 100 degrees here. He hates the heat. There was a festival going on in town. It's very loud and we can hear it from nearly a mile away. A lot of people were having barbecues, blaring music. I stayed inside trying to get caught up on work while he sat outside, in the heat, reading a book (he never reads), drinking soda. I went outside. Something weird happens to his face when he drinks. He gets two lines on his forehead right above his eyes that are never there when he's sober. (Is that strange or what?) I asked him if he was drinking.
Oh, no, of course not.
Are you sure??
Of course not! I said I wasn't drinking, and I'm not drinking.
Oo-kay.
He said, "This neighborhood is changing."
I said nothing, but thought to myself, "No, you're the one who's changing. For the worse. I'd like to change, too., but for the better."
Later that night when the fireworks were going off, I stepped outside. He was drinking his soda sitting on the wall. I noticed when I came out, he threw it into the bushes. I picked it up. It was half full of whiskey and soda. Great. I asked him when did he start drinking whiskey. He said a month ago. He's always hated any of the hard alcohol. This is a new thing for him. He told me, "You ruined the fireworks for me now," and went inside. I am disgusted by his behavior.
Yesterday morning, he wanted to go to church. I thought maybe he was going to show some remorse, but no, nothing. What a hypocrite. The pastor preached on character and guarding your reputation. I almost laughed out loud. Later he started quoting scriptures to me about marriage. I couldn't even listen to him. I have no idea what he even said. Then he had the audacity to tell me that I vowed that I would stay in the marriage for better or worse. I couldn't speak to him the rest of the day. What kind of alien has this man become to me?
Today he told me he was taking off of work because "he didn't feel like going to work." Then I checked our bank account, and he took out another $100 for alcohol which I will have to replace tomorrow as the remaining checks will bounce if I don't.
I am so discouraged. I say nothing to him, but I do feel like shaking him with all my might, and saying, "WTF ARE YOU DOING TO US," even though I know I can't control, change or cure him. I see him spiraling so far downwards. I just wish I could get him to leave, instead of me having to leave. And I get it. I'm trying to practice the JADE thing, do not justify, argue, debate or explain. But I am having a hard time watching his downfall. I know I'm rambling. I know I cannot stay, but STILL I'm having a hard time leaving. What's up with that???
Trying to stay calm.....I need sleep. I've been up all night replaying the last few days. Pray I get some rest.
A week ago, I had off. About a year ago, my mother with dementia was moved into a memory unit, so I have about ten huge tubs of her stuff in the back of our basement, and I thought it was a great opportunity to filter through so I can to discard/donate/keep things. Well, lo and behold, a found dozens of empty beer cans (and a few full beers that he must have forgotten), tucked away inside her stuff. I was very angry and upset and disappointed, but I didn't say anything to him. I kept my cool and just put everything in recycles, went to the gym, just to relieve some stress, but I have to say I'm having trouble sleeping.
The next day he got drunk out of his mind, missed worked, and then took off the next day off "to recover."
Saturday it was 100 degrees here. He hates the heat. There was a festival going on in town. It's very loud and we can hear it from nearly a mile away. A lot of people were having barbecues, blaring music. I stayed inside trying to get caught up on work while he sat outside, in the heat, reading a book (he never reads), drinking soda. I went outside. Something weird happens to his face when he drinks. He gets two lines on his forehead right above his eyes that are never there when he's sober. (Is that strange or what?) I asked him if he was drinking.
Oh, no, of course not.
Are you sure??
Of course not! I said I wasn't drinking, and I'm not drinking.
Oo-kay.
He said, "This neighborhood is changing."
I said nothing, but thought to myself, "No, you're the one who's changing. For the worse. I'd like to change, too., but for the better."
Later that night when the fireworks were going off, I stepped outside. He was drinking his soda sitting on the wall. I noticed when I came out, he threw it into the bushes. I picked it up. It was half full of whiskey and soda. Great. I asked him when did he start drinking whiskey. He said a month ago. He's always hated any of the hard alcohol. This is a new thing for him. He told me, "You ruined the fireworks for me now," and went inside. I am disgusted by his behavior.
Yesterday morning, he wanted to go to church. I thought maybe he was going to show some remorse, but no, nothing. What a hypocrite. The pastor preached on character and guarding your reputation. I almost laughed out loud. Later he started quoting scriptures to me about marriage. I couldn't even listen to him. I have no idea what he even said. Then he had the audacity to tell me that I vowed that I would stay in the marriage for better or worse. I couldn't speak to him the rest of the day. What kind of alien has this man become to me?
Today he told me he was taking off of work because "he didn't feel like going to work." Then I checked our bank account, and he took out another $100 for alcohol which I will have to replace tomorrow as the remaining checks will bounce if I don't.
I am so discouraged. I say nothing to him, but I do feel like shaking him with all my might, and saying, "WTF ARE YOU DOING TO US," even though I know I can't control, change or cure him. I see him spiraling so far downwards. I just wish I could get him to leave, instead of me having to leave. And I get it. I'm trying to practice the JADE thing, do not justify, argue, debate or explain. But I am having a hard time watching his downfall. I know I'm rambling. I know I cannot stay, but STILL I'm having a hard time leaving. What's up with that???
Trying to stay calm.....I need sleep. I've been up all night replaying the last few days. Pray I get some rest.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sheepherder...I still have a suspicion that you are grieving....in advance...in preparation of eventuality of leaving.....
I suspect that you only started grieving when you had the realization that it actually could happen....Grieving is so very painful.
Now, I could be wrong, of course...but, every time I read one of your posts...this thought occurs to me....
One thing for sure....it won't stay the same...static...forever....nothing does.
There will be change happening, even if you don't see it in dramatic ways....to both of you....
You could use some support....as this is just too difficult to walk alone....
A therapist could help you, as well as attending a support group....like alanon…
Would your husband consider AA...? And---here is a thought---Adult Children of Alcoholics. Given your husbands family background...I think he would get a great deal of validation and hope...That group is also for anyone with or in a dysfunctional family situation...even if there is/was no alcoholism.....
You can get their big book and literature on amazon.com. He sounds like an intelligent guy who maybe reads?....maybe he would read their literature---and, it might not sound as threatening, to him, as AA (wink)…...
I suspect that you only started grieving when you had the realization that it actually could happen....Grieving is so very painful.
Now, I could be wrong, of course...but, every time I read one of your posts...this thought occurs to me....
One thing for sure....it won't stay the same...static...forever....nothing does.
There will be change happening, even if you don't see it in dramatic ways....to both of you....
You could use some support....as this is just too difficult to walk alone....
A therapist could help you, as well as attending a support group....like alanon…
Would your husband consider AA...? And---here is a thought---Adult Children of Alcoholics. Given your husbands family background...I think he would get a great deal of validation and hope...That group is also for anyone with or in a dysfunctional family situation...even if there is/was no alcoholism.....
You can get their big book and literature on amazon.com. He sounds like an intelligent guy who maybe reads?....maybe he would read their literature---and, it might not sound as threatening, to him, as AA (wink)…...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by sheepherder
I asked him if he was drinking.
Oh, no, of course not.
Are you sure??
....I noticed when I came out, he threw it into the bushes. I picked it up. It was half full of whiskey and soda. Great. I asked him when did he start drinking whiskey.
Oh, no, of course not.
Are you sure??
....I noticed when I came out, he threw it into the bushes. I picked it up. It was half full of whiskey and soda. Great. I asked him when did he start drinking whiskey.
Your questions/accusations about his drinking are toxic to both of you. AlAnon has greatly helped me understand why this kind of monitoring is poison for all involved and how it's one of the major factors in fueling an emotionally destructive cycle.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
SH the path ahead will be rocky for a while. I'm with Dandy in saying I think a therapist would help as you're clearly unable to clear your mind by yourself, and that means tiredness and repetitive thoughts, which make things worse.
Getting it all out with a therapist won't kill the pain but may help you cope better.
Getting it all out with a therapist won't kill the pain but may help you cope better.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sheepherder.....expounding on what FallenAngelia just said--questions and accusations.....
For the alcoholic, the thought of not drinking feels like a kind of death sentence...as they have to drink just to feel "normal". It is how they cope with the emotions and feelings of living....plus, their body (brain) cries out for alcohol....
They drink to feel psychic comfort...to take away the pain and fear.....
They are not drinking at you...or, to hurt you (even though it does)….
If anyone tries to come between the alcoholic and their drink...they become the "enemy"...even if it is the loved one....
They are not drinking AT you....they are drinking because they are addicted to alcohol....It is about them--not you.
Resentments build and build...on both sides....
While not "nagging", alone, will not cause an alcoholic to get sober...it sure can add to the negative feelings between a couple....
For the alcoholic, the thought of not drinking feels like a kind of death sentence...as they have to drink just to feel "normal". It is how they cope with the emotions and feelings of living....plus, their body (brain) cries out for alcohol....
They drink to feel psychic comfort...to take away the pain and fear.....
They are not drinking at you...or, to hurt you (even though it does)….
If anyone tries to come between the alcoholic and their drink...they become the "enemy"...even if it is the loved one....
They are not drinking AT you....they are drinking because they are addicted to alcohol....It is about them--not you.
Resentments build and build...on both sides....
While not "nagging", alone, will not cause an alcoholic to get sober...it sure can add to the negative feelings between a couple....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Keep taking those steps and keep protecting yourself.
Believe me when I say this. When the pain of staying becomes more than the pain of leaving, you will leave. It sounds pretty simple, but it's not.
Until then, keep taking steps and keep taking care of YOU.
Believe me when I say this. When the pain of staying becomes more than the pain of leaving, you will leave. It sounds pretty simple, but it's not.
Until then, keep taking steps and keep taking care of YOU.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 36
Thank you for all your comments.
For the last couple of weeks, I THINK about not reacting to his drinking, but fail miserably 90 percent of the time. I know it's not helping ONE BIT, but each time I find him drunk -- and it's becoming more and more often in the last year -- I become so incredulous about his blatant lying that for no benefit whatsoever, before I even consider what I'm doing, I slip right into prosecutorial mode, and it's almost like I want to prove to myself (and to him) what a jerk he is and he's sunk to a new low. Not that we don't both know that already.
Like early this morning: my little rum bottles I use for making the yummiest cookies ever for people were all gone.
"Did you drink my little bottles?
Of course not!
So what, the cats drank them? They walked off the shelf by themselves?
I don't know what happened to them. You must have used them up. Maybe YOU drank them!
Well, there's the first lie of the day. And just to keep you informed, the vanilla and almond flavorings have a lot of alcohol in it, too. I'm just saying.... "
So that was totally unhelpful.
But I did start looking for a counselor when I got home today. Ironically, one of my biggest clients is a divorce firm. One of the attorneys there has given me some names to call and is going to point me in the right direction financially. I've seen so much go on in divorce cases over the last 20 years, such awful, awful things, that I find it hard to believe that I could be going down that path myself. I never, ever imagined it would/could happen to me.
As far as my health, I'm a strict vegetarian. I gave up added sugar over a year ago (but I enjoy the act and chemistry of baking and often bake to relax and give it away -- although frankly, yesterday a HUGE tub of chocolate and coconut gelato sounded very tempting to me if only for a split second), but in the last couple of weeks, my body has felt very unbalanced. I'm not sure why, but probably the lack of sleep.
And finally, on a lighter note, I am also considering investing in whatever company makes the strongest duct tape. If I can't wrap him up in it and roll him out the door, maybe I can use it to put over my mouth. :0)
For the last couple of weeks, I THINK about not reacting to his drinking, but fail miserably 90 percent of the time. I know it's not helping ONE BIT, but each time I find him drunk -- and it's becoming more and more often in the last year -- I become so incredulous about his blatant lying that for no benefit whatsoever, before I even consider what I'm doing, I slip right into prosecutorial mode, and it's almost like I want to prove to myself (and to him) what a jerk he is and he's sunk to a new low. Not that we don't both know that already.
Like early this morning: my little rum bottles I use for making the yummiest cookies ever for people were all gone.
"Did you drink my little bottles?
Of course not!
So what, the cats drank them? They walked off the shelf by themselves?
I don't know what happened to them. You must have used them up. Maybe YOU drank them!
Well, there's the first lie of the day. And just to keep you informed, the vanilla and almond flavorings have a lot of alcohol in it, too. I'm just saying.... "
So that was totally unhelpful.
But I did start looking for a counselor when I got home today. Ironically, one of my biggest clients is a divorce firm. One of the attorneys there has given me some names to call and is going to point me in the right direction financially. I've seen so much go on in divorce cases over the last 20 years, such awful, awful things, that I find it hard to believe that I could be going down that path myself. I never, ever imagined it would/could happen to me.
As far as my health, I'm a strict vegetarian. I gave up added sugar over a year ago (but I enjoy the act and chemistry of baking and often bake to relax and give it away -- although frankly, yesterday a HUGE tub of chocolate and coconut gelato sounded very tempting to me if only for a split second), but in the last couple of weeks, my body has felt very unbalanced. I'm not sure why, but probably the lack of sleep.
And finally, on a lighter note, I am also considering investing in whatever company makes the strongest duct tape. If I can't wrap him up in it and roll him out the door, maybe I can use it to put over my mouth. :0)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by sheepherder
And finally, on a lighter note, I am also considering investing in whatever company makes the strongest duct tape. If I can't wrap him up in it and roll him out the door, maybe I can use it to put over my mouth. :0)
Well you have your sense of humour and that's one of the most important things (gorilla tape)!
Is it that you want him to know you are not that gullible? If you really can't not react (baby steps) how about reacting more succinctly?
Instead of explaining why and how you know (and you really need to keep an eye on your cats btw!) you can simply "grey rock". Your acknowledgement of his reply can be something as simple as "uh huh".
That's the baby step that will get you detaching from the madness.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by sheepherder
And finally, on a lighter note, I am also considering investing in whatever company makes the strongest duct tape. If I can't wrap him up in it and roll him out the door, maybe I can use it to put over my mouth. :0)
Have you give Alanon a try?
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