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Therapy and lawyer

Old 07-22-2019, 10:38 AM
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Therapy and lawyer

ok. Working on anxiety and toxic relationships. I have been severely emotionally abused. I need to take good care of myself to heal, but heal I will. AH is starting rehab this week and has 6 weeks to complete then heís out. A part of me canít help but feel this really is his bottom, that he will go into recovery for good and lll have lost out on all these years and my chance of being with him in a healthy way. Well, thatís where Iím at now good people. Pray for me. 🙏🏻
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Old 07-22-2019, 10:46 AM
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In-patient or Out-patient?
notice how his "start" date keeps moving. don't hang any hopes on the magic word REHAB.
or BOTTOM.
or believe that the man you see today is going to transform into someone else and be perfect.
there is no magic.
there is no cure.
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Old 07-22-2019, 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
In-patient or Out-patient?
notice how his "start" date keeps moving. don't hang any hopes on the magic word REHAB.
or BOTTOM.
or believe that the man you see today is going to transform into someone else and be perfect.
there is no magic.
there is no cure.
out patient. He got the dr. Referral today to start intake. Divorce papers state move out date. If he doesnít go to rehab move out date will be moved up. I know people who overcome it....I have little hope for us, for his sake I hope he does.
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Old 07-22-2019, 11:18 AM
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Good for you. The hardest part is getting started.

Keep the focus on you and you keep getting yourself in a better place!
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Old 07-22-2019, 11:18 AM
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This is just my thought on this but you are hurting yourself by being so involved with what he is up to.

You have filed the divorce papers, he is moving out.

Inpatient, outpatient, today, tomorrow, Wednesday, just doesn't matter because it really has nothing to do with you and isn't on your side of the street.

lll have lost out on all these years and my chance of being with him in a healthy way.
Now, all is not lost there, maybe. Maybe a year from now he will have a steady year of sobriety under his belt and you two might start dating each other again, who knows!

That said, you two seem to have a very dysfunctional give and take - well more give on his part - he makes proclamations and you react to them. Please understand this is NOT a criticism of you. There is always a crazy dynamic in dysfunctional relationships - it's the nature of it, alcohol involved or not, the alcohol just ups the ante.

It's kind of imperative for you to get out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) for some time to break that, it is damn near impossible to do while staying in the same living arrangement. Somewhat like quitting drinking while working in a bar.

Him moving out is perhaps his best chance and yours and maybe your best chance as a couple in the future. Try not to think of it as a negative? It's not really.

Now, I know you have made your decision, but you still have a road to go. I hope you stick to your boundaries and give yourself a chance to heal, you deserve peacefulness and contentment and happiness you know, you don't need your life to be a drama-fest day after day. You must be exhausted.
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Old 07-22-2019, 11:24 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
This is just my thought on this but you are hurting yourself by being so involved with what he is up to.

You have filed the divorce papers, he is moving out.

Inpatient, outpatient, today, tomorrow, Wednesday, just doesn't matter because it really has nothing to do with you and isn't on your side of the street.



Now, all is not lost there, maybe. Maybe a year from now he will have a steady year of sobriety under his belt and you two might start dating each other again, who knows!

That said, you two seem to have a very dysfunctional give and take - well more give on his part - he makes proclamations and you react to them. Please understand this is NOT a criticism of you. There is always a crazy dynamic in dysfunctional relationships - it's the nature of it, alcohol involved or not, the alcohol just ups the ante.

It's kind of imperative for you to get out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) for some time to break that, it is damn near impossible to do while staying in the same living arrangement. Somewhat like quitting drinking while working in a bar.

Him moving out is perhaps his best chance and yours and maybe your best chance as a couple in the future. Try not to think of it as a negative? It's not really.

Now, I know you have made your decision, but you still have a road to go. I hope you stick to your boundaries and give yourself a chance to heal, you deserve peacefulness and contentment and happiness you know, you don't need your life to be a drama-fest day after day. You must be exhausted.
exhausted times 10. Thank you trail. Iím trying but need so much support. Alanon tomorrow. Therapist on Friday again. Lawyer on Thursday again. Getting my car washed now and going to do a little shopping. He gave me the happiest days of my life...now Iíll give them to me. This is breaking my heart tho.
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Old 07-22-2019, 11:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus View Post
He gave me the happiest days of my life...now I’ll give them to me. This is breaking my heart tho.
And maybe you are actually giving to him although you may not have thought about that.

By staying, by propping him up, by standing by him (yet criticizing his life choices) it's hurting him too.

This break/divorce might just be the thing that shakes him up enough to seek help. Now, it might not, that is 100 percent his choice. The only thing you know for an absolute fact is that what you are doing is not working.

Not working for you, not working for him. He is not getting sober and you are miserable (so is he).

So no, I wouldn't overly concern myself with what he is up to, but you are actually doing the right thing for both of you don't you think? It hurts! But he is not dying, he is moving out, if he straightens up and can be a sober guy, responsible, kind and loving then you might want to let him back in to your life.

For now, just getting out of this is the best thing you can do in my opinion.

I was married for quite a while to an emotional abuser (who was also physically abusive early on). Nothing changed. Nothing. I was yelled at for YEARS. Argument after argument. Eventually I had had enough and ended it.

Did he change, did he run to anger management and - no. He is still the same angry person he always was (and always will be). I on the other hand don't have to argue anymore, don't have anyone yelling at me (I don't allow it). Ahh peace reigns.
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Old 07-22-2019, 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
And maybe you are actually giving to him although you may not have thought about that.

By staying, by propping him up, by standing by him (yet criticizing his life choices) it's hurting him too.

This break/divorce might just be the thing that shakes him up enough to seek help. Now, it might not, that is 100 percent his choice. The only thing you know for an absolute fact is that what you are doing is not working.

Not working for you, not working for him. He is not getting sober and you are miserable (so is he).

So no, I wouldn't overly concern myself with what he is up to, but you are actually doing the right thing for both of you don't you think? It hurts! But he is not dying, he is moving out, if he straightens up and can be a sober guy, responsible, kind and loving then you might want to let him back in to your life.

For now, just getting out of this is the best thing you can do in my opinion.

I was married for quite a while to an emotional abuser (who was also physically abusive early on). Nothing changed. Nothing. I was yelled at for YEARS. Argument after argument. Eventually I had had enough and ended it.

Did he change, did he run to anger management and - no. He is still the same angry person he always was (and always will be). I on the other hand don't have to argue anymore, don't have anyone yell at me (I don't allow it). Ahh peace reigns.
I know going thru with this is what I have to do. Iím letting go and letting God. It actually does feel better knowing Iím not responsible for him anymore. Not responsible for anyone anymore but myself. I have carried the world for so long now, Iím tired. Youíre a gem, thank you for the perspective, Iím not seeing to clearly these days. All the love. ❤️
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