Sounds like a bunch of quacking (as they call it) to me.

Alcoholics primary defense mechanism in my experience is blaming others in my experience. If they can make it someone else’s fault, they do not have to comprehend that it is their issue.

I used to actually worry a lot that it was partly my fault. Like I should have done something differently. And there are definitely things I could have done differently likely. But now that I am away from him, it’s become clear how little I had to do with anything. I can literally say or do nothing and he will go from ok and happy and nice to a complete bender and yelling and blaming.

Were you all spying on my family and me? It’s been six weeks since I’ve asked for divorce. It’s really tough living in the same house and my Q says the same things- that he shouldn’t have to leave, that he’s stopped drinking so the only reason I keep asking for a divorce is because I must not love him anymore. That he has been trying and applying but is not getting the job he wants (hasn’t worked since his business failed in March). That I’m not going to take his son from him. That I should be the one to move out since I don’t want to be in the family with him anymore. That I am selfish and only care about my business and don’t want to spend any time with him or my son. That the divorce is not going to go like I think it will and that he has rights too.
It is exhausting remaining neutral. It is exhausting not being able to move forward and mourn and grieve this relationship as well as running the house, my side business and getting ready to go back to my full time job in a couple of weeks. I am so tired and I am looking forward to this being over.
I am lucky and grateful for the support I have in my life. Alanon, therapy and this and other online resources.

Well, I just did a really good job of not engaging, I think... but here is an example of why I get so confused. AH started a conversation just a few minutes ago about the technicalities of moving out (finances, changing things out of our names, etc), and he did so calmly, which is a first. He then started talking again about how he didn’t like the idea of being across town - which, since we live in a small town, is literally less than ten minutes away. He said, “I want to ask you to keep a gun here, because I can’t stand to leave you and Kiddo in the house alone. I know that you’re an adult and you can look after yourself and Kiddo, but at the same time since I’m not going to physically be here with you I want to make sure you all are going to be okay. I agree with you that we should separate, because we can’t stop fighting, but I’m really having a hard time with the thought of leaving you two alone.” None of that was said with anything but absolute sincerity... there was no Body Snatcher in attendance. What the???

I REALLY wanted to shake him and tell him he wouldn’t have those concerns if he would just decide to get help for his alcoholism... that if he chose sobriety and followed through with it, he wouldn’t have to live apart from us. I also wanted to tell him that it was great he wanted to protect us from “physical” harm... but what about all the mental and emotional harm that Kiddo and I have both sustained as a result of his drinking??

Im very proud to report that I didn’t say anything like that at all. I just said that Kiddo and I would be fine, in as kind a voice as I could muster. Then I came straight here, lol.

Right now my guard is back up thanks to some awesome advice from you guys, lol. Give me a few days of normality and I’ll probably screw up again 😂

Gotta focus on actions, and let those words just float right on by. Anvil, thank you for redirecting my focus back to that.

Got home from work today and AH was staggering drunk, Kiddo was at my parents’ house thankfully. AH passed out about an hour after I got home, and after I was sure he was down for the count I went to get Kiddo. AH woke up about an hour and a half after me and Kiddo got back home, spewing some of the most hateful, immature, venomous crap at me. Just yelling all this horrible stuff and honestly just being a belligerent ass.

You guys... I did not JADE!! I did have my phone in hand, and used my voice memo app to record his almost seven minute tirade (mainly to remind myself exactly how crazy and spiteful he sounds, but it may come in handy down the line, who knows?) I spoke three times - to request that he please lower his voice around our son, to state that he needed to begin the moving out process as soon as possible, and to tell him that I was recording and the amount of time that I had been recording. I said these things calmly and quietly. I wish to God I could control AH’s outbursts around Kiddo, but I know I can only control my reactions. We were in the kitchen and Kiddo was in his room; he could hear everything. He broke my heart by coming out of his room later and saying, “Mom, I feel like Dad assaulted you with his words. You’re not supposed to talk to anybody like that.” He is 100% correct, and I don’t EVER want him hearing anything like that again from his father if I can help it.

So I’m preparing myself for plan B, to take control of the environment my son and I are in. If AH does not begin the moving out process tomorrow (which is apparently what he had agreed upon with our friend that he will be renting from), I am going to gather up Kiddo’s things, my things, and my 56lb dog (who thinks he’s a 6lb human baby, lol) and we are hightailing it out of Dodge. The house is in my parents’ names and they will begin formal eviction proceedings against AH. Once he is gone Kiddo and I can come back home. I am going to hate it if it has to go down like that, but one way or another, living with this insanity and abuse is going to STOP for Kiddo and for me.

And guys, I feel so needy right now, but thank you SO much for reading and offering support and guidance. Your responses have literally been pulling me through and helping me make some of the most difficult decisions of my life.

Thank you guys so much for the encouragement. Kiddo and I are hanging in there, we are still at home and there is no alcohol here, inside or out. AH has got to wait until his payday Friday to get utilities and water set up at his new place and will be moving Friday. As long as AH is not drunk here and there is no alcohol here, I’m okay with that. Part of me feels a little like a wimp because Kiddo and I aren’t hightailing it out of Dodge like I mentioned earlier... but trying not to beat myself up too much. There have been no more drunken escapades here since Monday night and right now AH has no money to fund any further escapades.

AH has said some pretty crazy things today to me - like “I’ll sleep at my new place but I’ll be here at home with you guys during the day”, “Maybe I can sleep over here on the weekends and we can have family time”, “Once I’ve been in my new place long enough to regulate my drinking again, I hope that you’ll still let me take you out for date nights” - a lot of wishful thinking type stuff. I think I’m making progress, guys, because in previous times these comments would’ve made me crazy. Not so much anymore. Now I just feel like... he can’t have his cake and eat it too. Either he wants a family life with us, which absolutely cannot happen without 100% sobriety... or he doesn’t. No need to make it more complicated than that, and right now I can’t afford to let my heartbreak cloud the reality of our situation.

He also kept trying to explain his drinking to me today, in a billion different ways - trying to help me “understand” him. This is probably the billionth time he’s done this. Usually I jump in with both feet and run with it, and we spin in circles until neither of us know what we’re talking about anymore. Today, I quietly interrupted him. I told him that I didn’t mean this in a hateful way, but that none of the explanations mattered. That the bottom line was - he is not going to quit drinking, and I am not going to live with an active alcoholic. Irresistible force, immovable object. Unless we can reconcile that fact, we can’t even begin to scratch the surface of anything else.

Even though I have said that several times in the last few weeks... for some reason, today, I saw him “get it”. More importantly, I got it. This whole ordeal is hard enough... there is enough grief to go around... I do NOT need to add more by continuing to argue with him when we can’t get past the most important, fundamental issue.

Today I feel like figured out that the three Cs are kind of like parenthood, lol. You can read all the books about what to expect when you’re expecting, childhood development, parenting styles, etc. That’s great. But it’s a whole different ballgame when you have that adorable, precious bundle of joy in your arms that you are simultaneously terrified of and madly in love with. Sometimes you just can’t get it til you get it. Today I got it. I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.

I’m exhausted physically and mentally but I’m still trucking.

All I have to say here is good for you for standing your ground. It’s HARD. We are in very similar places and I hope that your AH gets the help he needs or gives you enough space fo move on. This is all so hard.