I still miss him........or whoever he was
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
It's okay to feel our feelings, become fully aware of our thoughts, actions and habits, to be human, raw and authentic! 
It's also important to know what we're dealing with. Alcoholism/addiction doesn't always entail being in a severely abusive relationship.
Romanticizing an abusive relationship can be dangerous.
Beware the charming narcissist.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...ing-narcissist
Recovering from trauma bonding.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/10-...a-bond-0110175
It's also important to know what we're dealing with. Alcoholism/addiction doesn't always entail being in a severely abusive relationship.
Romanticizing an abusive relationship can be dangerous.
Beware the charming narcissist.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...ing-narcissist
Recovering from trauma bonding.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/10-...a-bond-0110175
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
He was an abuser and yet I miss the person I met at the beginning. It's ok to miss him.
"I enjoyed the attention."
"I can give myself a healing framework to move forward."
"Each day is an opportunity for new ways to embrace life."
"I am worthy. I am enough."
"I enjoyed the attention."
"I can give myself a healing framework to move forward."
"Each day is an opportunity for new ways to embrace life."
"I am worthy. I am enough."
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
I know very well this feeling. Except mine wasn't the abuser (he was and still is towards himself tho, sadly).
But still, I can feel like the dream was lost of all that I have imagined IS or could be lived between us. And while some of the things that we shared are certainly real and will always remain (so to speak), others were wishful thinking, unfortunately. Or better yet, goals and ideas coming from a sober person's perspective. Which is why I didnt fully realise how its NOT their perspective too, since they are addicts.
Now we know alright, but its painful to face the hard facts. However, I am better off with the truth, however hurtful, than spending another i dont know how many years deluding myself
But still, I can feel like the dream was lost of all that I have imagined IS or could be lived between us. And while some of the things that we shared are certainly real and will always remain (so to speak), others were wishful thinking, unfortunately. Or better yet, goals and ideas coming from a sober person's perspective. Which is why I didnt fully realise how its NOT their perspective too, since they are addicts.
Now we know alright, but its painful to face the hard facts. However, I am better off with the truth, however hurtful, than spending another i dont know how many years deluding myself
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
what ELSE is going on right now, glenjo? or perhaps NOT going on?
do you miss HIM the real actual human person OR do you miss some element of the experience you had while with him??
do you miss HIM the real actual human person OR do you miss some element of the experience you had while with him??
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Well, from what I know of you GJ, you are the kind of person that likes to be in a relationship.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that by the way. That's kind of a natural state of things.
Personally yes, I think you long for what he might have meant, not what he was, you seem very clear on that.
It has been over a year since the great fall out. You have been doing great work on yourself, maybe it's time to venture out in to dating again? I know you had the one relationship that didn't go any distance, but that is dating, getting to know someone. You will eventually meet someone that shares the same outlook at you, he just wasn't the one (the person who was not really looking for a commitment).
What do you think?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that by the way. That's kind of a natural state of things.
Personally yes, I think you long for what he might have meant, not what he was, you seem very clear on that.
It has been over a year since the great fall out. You have been doing great work on yourself, maybe it's time to venture out in to dating again? I know you had the one relationship that didn't go any distance, but that is dating, getting to know someone. You will eventually meet someone that shares the same outlook at you, he just wasn't the one (the person who was not really looking for a commitment).
What do you think?
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by trailmix
Well, from what I know of you GJ, you are the kind of person that likes to be in a relationship.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that by the way. That's kind of a natural state of things.
Personally yes, I think you long for what he might have meant, not what he was, you seem very clear on that.
It has been over a year since the great fall out. You have been doing great work on yourself, maybe it's time to venture out in to dating again? I know you had the one relationship that didn't go any distance, but that is dating, getting to know someone. You will eventually meet someone that shares the same outlook at you, he just wasn't the one (the person who was not really looking for a commitment).
What do you think?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that by the way. That's kind of a natural state of things.
Personally yes, I think you long for what he might have meant, not what he was, you seem very clear on that.
It has been over a year since the great fall out. You have been doing great work on yourself, maybe it's time to venture out in to dating again? I know you had the one relationship that didn't go any distance, but that is dating, getting to know someone. You will eventually meet someone that shares the same outlook at you, he just wasn't the one (the person who was not really looking for a commitment).
What do you think?
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Possibly although I really dont feel like meeting anyone at the moment. The hot and sticky weather were having is making me so tired all the time the thoughts of dating is overwhelming. I guess I'm focusing on me again but I take your point maybe it's something to think about.
Dating... So we both had the ending around the same time (mine was 4/18) and they were both abusive A. They were both overwhelming and ugly in their behavior at the end of things. And I swore off any thoughts of dating and accepted being alone, although I would have these painful days of missing not necessarily him, but the relationship when it was good. He came into play only because he was part of the relationship, again when it was good, and I absolutely didn’t miss the POS he became. That’s normal; it wasn’t all bad and in the beginning, they were not the same people they were at the end. We miss having someone in our lives who cares about us and for us and then it snowballs into the hurt and re-living that.
What helped is that I started sort of accidentally dating someone that I met on a kayaking expedition. I’m still not sure I want to call what we’re doing “dating” but he’s patient, trying and keeps coming back. None of the love bombing stuff; out for one coffee and three dinners in six weeks. He calls or texts about every other day. He knows the story at this point and he’s respectful about having no more than 2 beers if we’re out. No pressure. I finally allowed him to come to my house after the third dinner, we both drank sweet tea, and he was a gentleman the entire time he was there and left me with nothing more than a kiss on my front porch. He’s trustworthy as far as I can tell and as much as I expect him to get drunk, lie, and act like a heathen, he just doesn’t do that.
So I’m going to tell you what my friend Lauren told me when I was agonizing over a voice mail in which he was asking me to our first dinner: “Go. It’s just dinner. Let a man buy you food and you eat it.” She was frustrated with me and she was also right. It was just some company at dinner—but it also was an important shift in my thinking that had me stuck on always being alone. I’ve only known him eight weeks and the differences in how he has approached this, versus the A, are glaringly obvious. I have no idea whether or not this will ever become anything serious, but it has been helpful to me just to get out and enjoy someone’s company without the worry of being humiliated in a restaurant by someone’s drunken outbursts.
I wish you all the best.
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
For me, even a thought of dating anyone else almost gives me a panic attack. I cant even imagine it, and I was asked out several time since my break up alright, but each time, i felt tremendeous repulsion and couldnt to through with it. It will change in time hopefully! Or will it!?
(
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Join Date: Feb 2019
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I have wondered about whether I will ever change my mind about dating. I married my HS sweetheart at 21 and that ended (just because it wasn’t right) and was all over dating because I wanted to and wanted a family. After the XAH, I am very sour on the idea of ever having a man think I should do anything for him ever again, and I look around and don’t see a lot of women in my life whose lives are made easier by being in relationships. I’ve been alone since last October and I see no desire to change that in sight.
I have also made a decision to have a second kid by myself. I’ve learned I can certainly parent alone so why let the fact I married an alcoholic take my dream of two little ones away from me? I’ll make my own family. But I am certainly on a path with sole custody of my existing kid and another on the way that dating will be a long way off even if I wanted to. I wonder if I am making the call to stay single out of bitterness. But I just can’t see my way to thinking there is anything a man could give me I want enough to share decisions, money, my life, my kid(s), and my energy.
I never miss my ex, but sometimes I miss the version of myself that felt like she could share a life w someone, and I miss the idea of having a true partners which I never got, instead of being in charge of everything alone forever. And I get mad about it.(sorry if this is veering off topic).
I have also made a decision to have a second kid by myself. I’ve learned I can certainly parent alone so why let the fact I married an alcoholic take my dream of two little ones away from me? I’ll make my own family. But I am certainly on a path with sole custody of my existing kid and another on the way that dating will be a long way off even if I wanted to. I wonder if I am making the call to stay single out of bitterness. But I just can’t see my way to thinking there is anything a man could give me I want enough to share decisions, money, my life, my kid(s), and my energy.
I never miss my ex, but sometimes I miss the version of myself that felt like she could share a life w someone, and I miss the idea of having a true partners which I never got, instead of being in charge of everything alone forever. And I get mad about it.(sorry if this is veering off topic).
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by Leelee168
It’s okay to think about you, GlenJo. You need to think about you—you spent so much time and energy focused on someone else that you forgot to pay attention to you. It’s time.
Dating... So we both had the ending around the same time (mine was 4/18) and they were both abusive A. They were both overwhelming and ugly in their behavior at the end of things. And I swore off any thoughts of dating and accepted being alone, although I would have these painful days of missing not necessarily him, but the relationship when it was good. He came into play only because he was part of the relationship, again when it was good, and I absolutely didn’t miss the POS he became. That’s normal; it wasn’t all bad and in the beginning, they were not the same people they were at the end. We miss having someone in our lives who cares about us and for us and then it snowballs into the hurt and re-living that.
What helped is that I started sort of accidentally dating someone that I met on a kayaking expedition. I’m still not sure I want to call what we’re doing “dating” but he’s patient, trying and keeps coming back. None of the love bombing stuff; out for one coffee and three dinners in six weeks. He calls or texts about every other day. He knows the story at this point and he’s respectful about having no more than 2 beers if we’re out. No pressure. I finally allowed him to come to my house after the third dinner, we both drank sweet tea, and he was a gentleman the entire time he was there and left me with nothing more than a kiss on my front porch. He’s trustworthy as far as I can tell and as much as I expect him to get drunk, lie, and act like a heathen, he just doesn’t do that.
So I’m going to tell you what my friend Lauren told me when I was agonizing over a voice mail in which he was asking me to our first dinner: “Go. It’s just dinner. Let a man buy you food and you eat it.” She was frustrated with me and she was also right. It was just some company at dinner—but it also was an important shift in my thinking that had me stuck on always being alone. I’ve only known him eight weeks and the differences in how he has approached this, versus the A, are glaringly obvious. I have no idea whether or not this will ever become anything serious, but it has been helpful to me just to get out and enjoy someone’s company without the worry of being humiliated in a restaurant by someone’s drunken outbursts.
I wish you all the best.
Dating... So we both had the ending around the same time (mine was 4/18) and they were both abusive A. They were both overwhelming and ugly in their behavior at the end of things. And I swore off any thoughts of dating and accepted being alone, although I would have these painful days of missing not necessarily him, but the relationship when it was good. He came into play only because he was part of the relationship, again when it was good, and I absolutely didn’t miss the POS he became. That’s normal; it wasn’t all bad and in the beginning, they were not the same people they were at the end. We miss having someone in our lives who cares about us and for us and then it snowballs into the hurt and re-living that.
What helped is that I started sort of accidentally dating someone that I met on a kayaking expedition. I’m still not sure I want to call what we’re doing “dating” but he’s patient, trying and keeps coming back. None of the love bombing stuff; out for one coffee and three dinners in six weeks. He calls or texts about every other day. He knows the story at this point and he’s respectful about having no more than 2 beers if we’re out. No pressure. I finally allowed him to come to my house after the third dinner, we both drank sweet tea, and he was a gentleman the entire time he was there and left me with nothing more than a kiss on my front porch. He’s trustworthy as far as I can tell and as much as I expect him to get drunk, lie, and act like a heathen, he just doesn’t do that.
So I’m going to tell you what my friend Lauren told me when I was agonizing over a voice mail in which he was asking me to our first dinner: “Go. It’s just dinner. Let a man buy you food and you eat it.” She was frustrated with me and she was also right. It was just some company at dinner—but it also was an important shift in my thinking that had me stuck on always being alone. I’ve only known him eight weeks and the differences in how he has approached this, versus the A, are glaringly obvious. I have no idea whether or not this will ever become anything serious, but it has been helpful to me just to get out and enjoy someone’s company without the worry of being humiliated in a restaurant by someone’s drunken outbursts.
I wish you all the best.
Thank you. I suppose there's no harm in taking a risk but at the moment I dont feel In a place to, that said if someone asked me to date i would give it a try.
It's funny i was away for a couple of nights for a break and was also relaxed and content. I think my house where I live is contributing to many parts of my unhappiness. The neighbours are noisy but also when I was away I didn't think about ex or negative things in general. I think this house now is a big reminder of him as we spent so much time here, and he finally hit me here. I really feel planning to move will help in the long run. Lots of reminders here.
I did go on a dating app today just out of interest and a few of the profiles had pics of guys who also looked like him. It's amazing how one person can affect our brains. The last I heard of him he hit me and was drinking, trying to move in to my house. I've since moved on, done a lot of work on myself but have flashbacks of him. I expect if I had more to occupy myself and move away from this house it would help. Oh and I still do the thing if convincing myself hes having a fab life now.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
TOh and I still do the thing if convincing myself hes having a fab life now.
I don't need to tell you, I know, that he's not having a fab life and never has probably, well not since becoming an addict anyway.
Addiction by its very nature is not "fun" or rewarding or good. When you aren't an addict and are an arrogant former soccer player with some funds, maybe drinking is fun.
When you are addicted, out of control, craving another drink, manipulating people and you have no where to live, yeah not so great. Even if he manages to weasel his way in to some living arrangement, it won't last, even the long-suffering co-dependant cousin couldn't put up with him.
Had you let him in you would have thrown him out months ago. That's the reality. Even if he has since sought recovery, recovery is no fun either!
I know (I think) logically you know all this stuff, I'm not sure why you heart is not hearing you though.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I agree that a fresh start might help.
I don't need to tell you, I know, that he's not having a fab life and never has probably, well not since becoming an addict anyway.
Addiction by its very nature is not "fun" or rewarding or good. When you aren't an addict and are an arrogant former soccer player with some funds, maybe drinking is fun.
When you are addicted, out of control, craving another drink, manipulating people and you have no where to live, yeah not so great. Even if he manages to weasel his way in to some living arrangement, it won't last, even the long-suffering co-dependant cousin couldn't put up with him.
Had you let him in you would have thrown him out months ago. That's the reality. Even if he has since sought recovery, recovery is no fun either!
I know (I think) logically you know all this stuff, I'm not sure why you heart is not hearing you though.
I don't need to tell you, I know, that he's not having a fab life and never has probably, well not since becoming an addict anyway.
Addiction by its very nature is not "fun" or rewarding or good. When you aren't an addict and are an arrogant former soccer player with some funds, maybe drinking is fun.
When you are addicted, out of control, craving another drink, manipulating people and you have no where to live, yeah not so great. Even if he manages to weasel his way in to some living arrangement, it won't last, even the long-suffering co-dependant cousin couldn't put up with him.
Had you let him in you would have thrown him out months ago. That's the reality. Even if he has since sought recovery, recovery is no fun either!
I know (I think) logically you know all this stuff, I'm not sure why you heart is not hearing you though.
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