Is it possible to stay friends?
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
I think distance to heal and maybe going back "in" as you said might be best for you.
You seem still intensely attached, which I understand but leaves you open for additional hurt and manipulation.
You seem still intensely attached, which I understand but leaves you open for additional hurt and manipulation.
Look.. Honestly I think you're still at a place of loss right now. You're looking to salvage the friendship probably because that reminds you of who he used to be more than anything else. I'm sorry but I tried this with my EXAH and he used those feelings. Give your self space.. Hang out with as many normies as you can. Distract yourself with a new sport, hobby. What do you like to do? Where's your bliss. I promise you as soon as you move on you'll have friends coming out of the woodwork. You'll have versions of him.. Somebody better etc.
Here's a completely random example. My sister was the anti-christ. Not kidding. Absolutely poisonous and hurt us all with her emotional abuse. I moved to the US for nearly 2years. Really missed my family.. Grew up. Experienced a lifetime of experiences in that wink of time. When I got back home.. I was a love and peace. I never had that same relationship with my sis cos I hadn't spent the last 2yrs been treated badly by her. I was different.. She reacted positively to my difference. Our patterns of behaviour to each other was reset. Now your ex could sober up.. Could get worse.. You get to define the pattern you want and you do need space and perspective to do that. Right now you guys will keep to that same old pattern. Ye.. He has the capacity to be a good mate. But you love him. Same old pattern. It's OK to still love him...can you still be mates when he's got a new gf?
You don't have kids.. You have no ties... I dare you to take up a new sport and not find a friend who gives you that same feeling your ex did.
Double dare you!!
Look.. Honestly I think you're still at a place of loss right now. You're looking to salvage the friendship probably because that reminds you of who he used to be more than anything else. I'm sorry but I tried this with my EXAH and he used those feelings. Give your self space.. Hang out with as many normies as you can. Distract yourself with a new sport, hobby. What do you like to do? Where's your bliss. I promise you as soon as you move on you'll have friends coming out of the woodwork. You'll have versions of him.. Somebody better etc.
Here's a completely random example. My sister was the anti-christ. Not kidding. Absolutely poisonous and hurt us all with her emotional abuse. I moved to the US for nearly 2years. Really missed my family.. Grew up. Experienced a lifetime of experiences in that wink of time. When I got back home.. I was a love and peace. I never had that same relationship with my sis cos I hadn't spent the last 2yrs been treated badly by her. I was different.. She reacted positively to my difference. Our patterns of behaviour to each other was reset. Now your ex could sober up.. Could get worse.. You get to define the pattern you want and you do need space and perspective to do that. Right now you guys will keep to that same old pattern. Ye.. He has the capacity to be a good mate. But you love him. Same old pattern. It's OK to still love him...can you still be mates when he's got a new gf?
You don't have kids.. You have no ties... I dare you to take up a new sport and not find a friend who gives you that same feeling your ex did.
Double dare you!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe
Which is why I said 'support' not 'help', as we can still potentially be friends with them hopefully, even with them getting help elsewhere...
I'll say this and you can get back to me in a year to tell me whether I'm full of it or whether my declaration has merit :
No partner (or ex) can truly support her recovering alcoholic unless she has a full and ongoing recovery program of her own.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
Youre right, its all of us here i suppose- we didnt set up good enough boundries to begin with. Even if i do claim i was deceived for quite some time (unintentionally so, as he is deceiving himself too all the time alright). But nevertheless, time has passed so whats lost is lost. I have to move on and am trying to find the most optimal way.
I will include all these valuable suggestions and see what feels right and how to take steps forward based on my own situation. And indeed, Most probably NC will work best as most of ye suggested, but if he initiates contact again, ill see what he has to say.
But definitely, I am totally fine by myself now (i figured) and would NEVER (for that matter) go back to a relationship (nor friendship) that is rooted in illusion. That I am sure of.
I will include all these valuable suggestions and see what feels right and how to take steps forward based on my own situation. And indeed, Most probably NC will work best as most of ye suggested, but if he initiates contact again, ill see what he has to say.
But definitely, I am totally fine by myself now (i figured) and would NEVER (for that matter) go back to a relationship (nor friendship) that is rooted in illusion. That I am sure of.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
I'll say this and you can get back to me in a year to tell me whether I'm full of it or whether my declaration has merit :
No partner (or ex) can truly support her recovering alcoholic unless she has a full and ongoing recovery program of her own.
No partner (or ex) can truly support her recovering alcoholic unless she has a full and ongoing recovery program of her own.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
I have a few personal experiences that I’ll share, not sure if they will be relatable to your situation or not.
I’m my past history with retionships, I’ve kept in touch with 1 ex. Not an addict, pretty good relationship at the time, but really, we were more like friends as it was. He & his first wife invited me to their wedding (I wasn’t able to make it), but they both friended me on FB at the time. We text once in a blue moon to keep in touch. There’s been zero issues, jealously, boundary crossings on either side, or anything like that.
Everyone else: no, making a clean break was best.
As far as “support”, what does that mean to you exactly? I know for me, any time I’ve been focused on making changes (losing weight, quitting smoking, going through something), supportive friends were those who didn’t push things on me; who pretty much left me alone about those specifics, and didn’t tell me what to do. I try to do the same for my friends who are going through something. Maybe catch a movie or go out to eat, talk about current events, spend the day together.
Getting involved in someone’s person demons or addictions is not “support” to me. I do have one long time friend who is like this, super “tough love” mentality, where I can’t make a passing comment about anything without getting a lecture or some unwanted advice. My solution is to let her know I’m fine, and I just don’t share certain thing with her. I think she thinks she’s being supportive, to me it comes across and intrusive and condescending. We’ve been friends since HS and connect in other ways, but certain things have to be off topic.
Not saying that this is what you would do, but just illustrating that people have different styles and opinions on what “support” is.
Also, does he drive you crazy now with certain behaviors, and if you stay in touch, do you think you might get more of the same?
Just some things to consider...
I’m my past history with retionships, I’ve kept in touch with 1 ex. Not an addict, pretty good relationship at the time, but really, we were more like friends as it was. He & his first wife invited me to their wedding (I wasn’t able to make it), but they both friended me on FB at the time. We text once in a blue moon to keep in touch. There’s been zero issues, jealously, boundary crossings on either side, or anything like that.
Everyone else: no, making a clean break was best.
As far as “support”, what does that mean to you exactly? I know for me, any time I’ve been focused on making changes (losing weight, quitting smoking, going through something), supportive friends were those who didn’t push things on me; who pretty much left me alone about those specifics, and didn’t tell me what to do. I try to do the same for my friends who are going through something. Maybe catch a movie or go out to eat, talk about current events, spend the day together.
Getting involved in someone’s person demons or addictions is not “support” to me. I do have one long time friend who is like this, super “tough love” mentality, where I can’t make a passing comment about anything without getting a lecture or some unwanted advice. My solution is to let her know I’m fine, and I just don’t share certain thing with her. I think she thinks she’s being supportive, to me it comes across and intrusive and condescending. We’ve been friends since HS and connect in other ways, but certain things have to be off topic.
Not saying that this is what you would do, but just illustrating that people have different styles and opinions on what “support” is.
Also, does he drive you crazy now with certain behaviors, and if you stay in touch, do you think you might get more of the same?
Just some things to consider...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
Pdm my definition of support is pretty much similar to yours. But yes, some of his words do still hurt, which is normal as its all very fresh in terms of our parting. But after awhile, i still hope perhaps we could do an occasional chat/meet up without getting emotional about each other. I can only assume that tho, as for now, its still somehow rough around the edges for me. But in the last few weeks, and especially after every conversation with him, i am somehow more and more sure how we cant go back together, of course, and how he is not even close to ready to be free of his addiction-unfortunately. So i suppose I needed this actually, now that i think of it- this additional communication- to let go of remaining hope in that sense that was lingering there for quite some time after the break up (that he will actually see what the issue is and take the steps towards healing). Therefore, i believe all is well in the end. And this actually brings me to a place within me where i am more and more at peace with it and where i can detach emotionally to the point where i can be an actual support in a non-invasive sense!
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