Responding Instead of Reacting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Responding Instead of Reacting
I touched in on a new subject in therapy today and I am curious of your thoughts on it. Responding versus reacting.
The backstory: (please note this is not about social media for me)
My knee jerk behavior in my life has typically been freezing, disconnecting, denying, numbing, controlling. Being "nice," and not rocking the boat is part of that for me.
I struggled with social media for a bit in the last few years, not because people have differences of opinions but because they were so vicious to each other about their differing opinions. I just wanted everyone to get along. I never did anything about it, except to get off of social media for a bit. I suspect I took it as my fault that I could not make people get along.
I am beginning to step out of that and into my feelings.
There was a social media post that inflamed me earlier in the week. I mean deeply offended me with the message. I was angry. I texted out a huge reply, then realized that that the friend was not going to hear it. I talked to three people about how I felt and woke up not thinking about it the next day.
My behavior of not DOING anything in both scenarios was the same. My underlying reasons and motivations were so different.
The first I reacted to in well worn paths of behavior.....shutting down and trying to ignore it. Those are familiar and known to me. They are my "rules" to life.
The second I did the same thing, but instead of reacting I responded. I did self-care, I decided the relationship was not important enough to engage or struggle with. I got support around it and decided to not comment but did un-follow this person and have decided that I need to decide on a different way to manage social media in my life. I did not try to talk myself out of my feelings (which is huge for me) but that did not mean I needed to tell her about them. That is not disconnecting, that is making a choice. It feels better than before.
I am starting to realize that living life, striving and being present does not mean life is going to be easy. It can be really painful because it is honest and real. I think I am so scared at times to over-react that I don't let myself feel and respond to the good, bad and in between.
So my question is what is the difference between reacting and responding for you? How does it show up in your life, in your relationships etc?
Thanks for reading.
The backstory: (please note this is not about social media for me)
My knee jerk behavior in my life has typically been freezing, disconnecting, denying, numbing, controlling. Being "nice," and not rocking the boat is part of that for me.
I struggled with social media for a bit in the last few years, not because people have differences of opinions but because they were so vicious to each other about their differing opinions. I just wanted everyone to get along. I never did anything about it, except to get off of social media for a bit. I suspect I took it as my fault that I could not make people get along.
I am beginning to step out of that and into my feelings.
There was a social media post that inflamed me earlier in the week. I mean deeply offended me with the message. I was angry. I texted out a huge reply, then realized that that the friend was not going to hear it. I talked to three people about how I felt and woke up not thinking about it the next day.
My behavior of not DOING anything in both scenarios was the same. My underlying reasons and motivations were so different.
The first I reacted to in well worn paths of behavior.....shutting down and trying to ignore it. Those are familiar and known to me. They are my "rules" to life.
The second I did the same thing, but instead of reacting I responded. I did self-care, I decided the relationship was not important enough to engage or struggle with. I got support around it and decided to not comment but did un-follow this person and have decided that I need to decide on a different way to manage social media in my life. I did not try to talk myself out of my feelings (which is huge for me) but that did not mean I needed to tell her about them. That is not disconnecting, that is making a choice. It feels better than before.
I am starting to realize that living life, striving and being present does not mean life is going to be easy. It can be really painful because it is honest and real. I think I am so scared at times to over-react that I don't let myself feel and respond to the good, bad and in between.
So my question is what is the difference between reacting and responding for you? How does it show up in your life, in your relationships etc?
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I've been dealing with this a lot lately. My husband will tell me something that is simply not true. Instead of reacting with anger I respond briefly and walk away. I let it go. I use to try to control and fight for this relationship. I am now just accepting him as him and responding as needed, gray rock reacting. It's simply not worth it anymore.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
This has been a huge part of my recovery and what it means to
me is to stop and feel how an incident or event feels in my body.
To sit with it and see what it is creating in my physical body. It was
not easy, the medium chill method and alanon helped a lot. They
allowed me to not focus on reacting or even responding
and simply get in touch with how something made me feel and sit
with it.
Sometimes I could reconnect it with something in my past,
sometimes I could acknowledge how previous reacting was
hurting me and not helping me grow, and sometimes I could
acknowledge the pain. From this, real change could begin.
me is to stop and feel how an incident or event feels in my body.
To sit with it and see what it is creating in my physical body. It was
not easy, the medium chill method and alanon helped a lot. They
allowed me to not focus on reacting or even responding
and simply get in touch with how something made me feel and sit
with it.
Sometimes I could reconnect it with something in my past,
sometimes I could acknowledge how previous reacting was
hurting me and not helping me grow, and sometimes I could
acknowledge the pain. From this, real change could begin.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I want to share an example 
After yet another apology from AH (now RA) I sat quietly for a
while with it. I realized that hearing these empty apologies
was not what I wanted to hear anymore, I felt defeated.
I told AH that genuine apologies to me meant the person
took responsibility, was remorseful, and would not do it
again. So, no more apologies for the same poor decisions
and behavior.
This was a turning point for us. It stopped some part of a
useless, destructive behavior pattern we were in.
After yet another apology from AH (now RA) I sat quietly for a
while with it. I realized that hearing these empty apologies
was not what I wanted to hear anymore, I felt defeated.
I told AH that genuine apologies to me meant the person
took responsibility, was remorseful, and would not do it
again. So, no more apologies for the same poor decisions
and behavior.
This was a turning point for us. It stopped some part of a
useless, destructive behavior pattern we were in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am finding some of this not even related to emotional hurts of my past.
Not that they are not significant, but that they can be well worn paths that don't reveal more trauma but just are a way that I have been in my body.
For example I hold my breath, a lot. I take a breath and then hold it.
Part of this is related to my Freeze mentality in trauma, but for the most part that is not present any longer, it is just a well worn pattern of behavior.
Realizing it, working on it in therapy and body work however has been wonderful to start to release this pattern and it gives me space to respond rather than react.
This recovery stuff is amazing.
Not that they are not significant, but that they can be well worn paths that don't reveal more trauma but just are a way that I have been in my body.
For example I hold my breath, a lot. I take a breath and then hold it.
Part of this is related to my Freeze mentality in trauma, but for the most part that is not present any longer, it is just a well worn pattern of behavior.
Realizing it, working on it in therapy and body work however has been wonderful to start to release this pattern and it gives me space to respond rather than react.
This recovery stuff is amazing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I think this is a great topic. It's something I had to learn to recognize in my own behavior during early recovery.
Across the board I found (& still do) that I react when I'm feeling any strong emotion around the issue at hand..... I respond when I'm not coming from an emotionally charged place. It helped me to interpret the difference between when my heart or my head were talking to me.... which, much later, also allowed me to better hear my gut/instincts separate from all of this as well. (but first I had to be clear on thought vs emotion/ head vs heart)
There is a also a nugget of it for me that is related to letting go of being understood by others - that I'd get more emotional/more reactive because I refused to drop the rope despite the other party showing obvious signs of never getting it & not caring at all.
I learned to ask myself if this was "a hill I was willing to die on"... - if my point was important enough to warrant such a reaction. More often than not the answer is "No". The super cool part is that once I learned to recognize when I was reacting/emotional it actually helped me to set better boundaries around those things - i.e. introspecting on what is it about this that has me so upset & how I can keep it from happening in the future.
For me the biggest thing was learning to disengage long enough to think it through - & I still struggle with this when something catches me fully off guard or is some kind of new trigger than I blow past unaware. Progress, not perfection, right?
To combat this, I take walks, long showers (I get fired up & need to literally cool down), meditate, exercise, etc. Usually it's a physical thing for me to detach - I need to flush the emotion, adrenalin, etc & get my mental computer back online.
Across the board I found (& still do) that I react when I'm feeling any strong emotion around the issue at hand..... I respond when I'm not coming from an emotionally charged place. It helped me to interpret the difference between when my heart or my head were talking to me.... which, much later, also allowed me to better hear my gut/instincts separate from all of this as well. (but first I had to be clear on thought vs emotion/ head vs heart)
There is a also a nugget of it for me that is related to letting go of being understood by others - that I'd get more emotional/more reactive because I refused to drop the rope despite the other party showing obvious signs of never getting it & not caring at all.
I learned to ask myself if this was "a hill I was willing to die on"... - if my point was important enough to warrant such a reaction. More often than not the answer is "No". The super cool part is that once I learned to recognize when I was reacting/emotional it actually helped me to set better boundaries around those things - i.e. introspecting on what is it about this that has me so upset & how I can keep it from happening in the future.
For me the biggest thing was learning to disengage long enough to think it through - & I still struggle with this when something catches me fully off guard or is some kind of new trigger than I blow past unaware. Progress, not perfection, right?
To combat this, I take walks, long showers (I get fired up & need to literally cool down), meditate, exercise, etc. Usually it's a physical thing for me to detach - I need to flush the emotion, adrenalin, etc & get my mental computer back online.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Firesprite-
Your response is so interesting for me!
I think it is because for me I react when I don't make space for my feelings, and shut down. I respond when I include my feelings in the mix. I have been so much more willing to feel the feelings, that now I can respond.
Sitting in my car that night, fast and furiously typing a text in response I giggled to myself, "Jo.....(therapist's name) would be so proud of you right now!" She was too.
This incidence has also prompted me to reflect on the fact that I have never had a bad outcome when I feel angry and I express it. Not ever. I suspect because it is real, it is present, and it gets me out of my own way.
I relate to your post very much, but almost from the opposite side of the same coin.
I also find it interesting that movement helps me to be with the feelings. Talking helps. Frankly naming the emotion and describing it helps. For me it helps to get me unstuck, unfrozen, and forces me to breath. It helps me to stay in it though which allows me to determine how important it is to voice it, something I never would have done previously.
Finally though a bit off the main topic, your post made me realize how much I use this under-reacting to feel different and disconnected at times. It is a way in which I look for how I don't fit in, rather than seeing that the behavior or perspective may be different but that the "cause," process, or center of it may be more similar than I realize.
Thanks so much.
Your response is so interesting for me!
I think it is because for me I react when I don't make space for my feelings, and shut down. I respond when I include my feelings in the mix. I have been so much more willing to feel the feelings, that now I can respond.
Sitting in my car that night, fast and furiously typing a text in response I giggled to myself, "Jo.....(therapist's name) would be so proud of you right now!" She was too.
This incidence has also prompted me to reflect on the fact that I have never had a bad outcome when I feel angry and I express it. Not ever. I suspect because it is real, it is present, and it gets me out of my own way.
I relate to your post very much, but almost from the opposite side of the same coin.
I also find it interesting that movement helps me to be with the feelings. Talking helps. Frankly naming the emotion and describing it helps. For me it helps to get me unstuck, unfrozen, and forces me to breath. It helps me to stay in it though which allows me to determine how important it is to voice it, something I never would have done previously.
Finally though a bit off the main topic, your post made me realize how much I use this under-reacting to feel different and disconnected at times. It is a way in which I look for how I don't fit in, rather than seeing that the behavior or perspective may be different but that the "cause," process, or center of it may be more similar than I realize.
Thanks so much.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
I’ve been watching some of the YouTube video that Lisa Romano has, she talks about reactivity here. I like her take on it and how she explains things:
https://youtu.be/kW4XLIS6oJ8
https://youtu.be/kW4XLIS6oJ8
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 36
Responding, not reacting!!! Much easier said than done. I've been sitting and counting to 1,000 this week before I mindfully decide whether to say or do anything at all. Trying to think things through and identify what I'm feeling. But then sometimes I think I'm okay and then -- bam -- there it comes, inappropriate words spilling out of my mouth. Oops! Frustration I think and not enough practice. Maybe I'll start counting to 10,000 next week. :o)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by sheepherder 
Maybe I'll start counting to 10,000 next week. :o)
How can you focus on whether to react or respond if you are counting!?
Seriously though, it's kind of hard to work on the day to day issues unless the big issues are somewhat resolved in your mind.
For instance, if your Husband drinks every night despite your displeasure, that can cause immense frustration and snipping and arguing - but for what?
So, the bigger picture is, he will continue to drink, what are you going to do about that for you? You can either accept it or not, that's up to you. If you are going to accept it, it can take some work and some detachment from his actions (in a nutshell), if not, then what is your next move (which does not involve him, because he doesn't want to change a thing).
Once you have your plan, then there won't be as many responding vs reacting situations to conquer as you will have already made your decision.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Oh, reacting.... alcoholism certainly gets me all fired up, not gonna sugar coat this. Drives me crazy to be honest. Just thinking about someone (from experience) sitting aimlessly drinking while another person is racing around the house... cleaning, caring for others, handling all the basic needs of everything & everyone is enough for me to go bonkers! 🤯🤬 I’m a reactor... and it’s something I’ve been working on for many years. I live in NYC... the city of “reacting”! I wanted so badly to make things work with my ex girlfriend... I tried everything under the sun to “accept” and ignore her drinking. My personality simply cannot cork certain things... not saying that’s the correct response... just interesting how certain personalities have a harder time with staying on their side of the street.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Truth!
As melody Beattie says in codependent no more
Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors.
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Part of the reason I was never able to deal with her in any healthy manner was that I was constantly reacting & rarely responding. Reacting to what she did. Reacting to what she said. Reacting to what she didn't do. Reacting to what she didn't say.
After years it becomes a sickness of the mind. Even after being away from her for sometime now, I still catch myself having mental arguments with her. Reactive type mental arguments which have gone on in my mind for years.
In other aspects of my life such as work I am not normally just a reactive type person. I more tend to think through things. However with her my mind just immediately goes into over load & I always react very quickly.
After years it becomes a sickness of the mind. Even after being away from her for sometime now, I still catch myself having mental arguments with her. Reactive type mental arguments which have gone on in my mind for years.
In other aspects of my life such as work I am not normally just a reactive type person. I more tend to think through things. However with her my mind just immediately goes into over load & I always react very quickly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by fortworthnative
This is an excellent topic to self explore! Is this part of Al Anon “recovery”? Wanting to read more about it
from the perspective of a spouse of A.
from the perspective of a spouse of A.
I have attended Al-Anon over the years and I don't know if there is any big picture reading on it or not. I do know one of my favorite daily Al-Anon readers touches on the subject a little bit. I will transcribe it when I have it with me.
An earlier poster did mention "Co-Dependent No More," by Melody Beattie which talks about this some.
More soon.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
The question comes down to this: do you want peace of mind or not? Over two decades in recovery has shown the problem wasn't other people, it was me. How do I respond? Do I use the tools of recovery or just go with my instincts (the latter is a bad idea). So whenever I'm in a bad way I call my sponsor first and discuss the matter. The fourth and fifth steps deal with resentments, the eighth and ninth deal with guilt. Whenever there is conflict with someone I ask myself: "what's MY part in this?"
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
