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First post in a while, bad day

Old 07-18-2019, 12:49 PM
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First post in a while, bad day

i havenít posted in a while. Iíve had the kind of really bad day where lots of things pile on and I guess I need to vent.

I married an alcohol at 21, had a daughter with him
at 23, and have spent all the time since understanding, accepting, and coping with his alcoholism. As the alcoholism progressed so did the emotional, verbal, physical abuse.

Weíre separated but not divorced. AH physically assaulted me during a relapse and I pressed charges, got a temporary order of protection and started the divorce process. That was hard. Like, maybe the hardest thing Iíve ever done, or will do. But things did get better. AH did sober up and I was protected from the abuse (somewhat).

The hard thing is that AH came from an abusive, alcoholic family. The consequence for reporting the abuse was that his mother waged all out war on me. She refused to let him be served with divorce papers (no recourse for lying to a private process server- freebie to her) and did a lot of other abuse, awful, but not quite illegal stuff. The best thing is that she filed a lawsuit against me, suing me for possession of the condo she helped us buy. Not just possession, but also damages. So Iíve spent a year juggling that.

Iím about a half inch from reaching a settlement with her but sheís doing things to sabotage the settlement. My attorney is totally passive on it all. I pay her **** tons of money to advocate for me, but ultimately, the only way she does anything is when I call, near hysterical, and bitch her out. Iím out of money, out of patience and feel like everything is out of my control.

The icing on the cake: now, as of today, AH is in full blown relapse and abusive texts/calls mode. Not only is my mother in law out for blood, but sheís used him as leverage to get to me. Itís very clear that any communication between him and I about whatís best for us in the lawsuit has been shared with her to sabotage things. Because weíre still legally married heís tied to the property, too.

I know all the things Iím supposed to do. I know what I can and canít control. But right now, Iím really stressed out. All the money spent on the lawsuit had to be siphoned from the divorce, which had to be put on hold. So Iím still feeling really stuck in it. Tired of the lawyers, the conflict, the wasted money.

Iím in so much pain. I just want to be done with the abuse and alcoholism. I feel totally unsupported by our entire legal
system, I feel victimized, and I just keep wallowing in how unfair it all is. Iím tired of trying to protect myself and my daughter from the craziness. Iím tired of not having an opportunity for a clean break. Iím just plain tired of everything. Why is it totally acceptable for me to be abused for years on end and the only recourse is the slow, expensive, painful process of unwinding myself from a drunk. He plays dirty and I just keep going and trying to pretend itís not my problem. It sucks.
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Old 07-18-2019, 12:55 PM
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Vent away, that does suck! She sounds like a devil.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like you are nearing an end with the whole lawsuit? This will not last forever. Even though it feels like it right this second, it won't.

Just remember, you don't deserve any sort of abuse, physical or verbal. You don't have to listen to it at all.

I know that advocating for yourself and your children is so hard. It wears you out emotionally, physically, and monetarily. However, it will come to an end in time.

Sending you huge hugs.
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Old 07-18-2019, 04:15 PM
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I'm sorry for what you are going through fml. It truly does sound hellish.

As for the lawsuit, eventually it must end? She files, you respond, is there a court date set? Between filing and the court date I guess you are trying to come to some agreement with her to avoid court?

My take on this would be let it go. Stop all contact with her. She is obviously not participating in good faith if she is getting information from your STBXH to use against you, she is just playing a game.

Eventually it will go to court and if you are in the right (which I am guessing you are) things will be decided as they should be. Plus if you leave her alone and don't play, she might get bored and just settle.

In the meantime, stay well on your side of the street, perhaps go completely NC except where you absolutely have to with regard to visitation (and then perhaps only in email?).

I really think you need to extricate yourself from this right now, even temporarily.

Anyway, just my 2 cents.
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Old 07-18-2019, 04:19 PM
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Ditto that. It's okay to create space to enjoy life and step away from the chaos. Even during grief, stress and sadness, moments of joy can be very therapeutic.

What has your support network been like through this? Victim's advocates are available in many places. They can be a great resource and support -- in the courtroom, throughout court cases and simply to help deal with recovering from abusive situations.

Good luck.
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Old 07-18-2019, 06:45 PM
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Thanks, everyone. I have been totally NC with her for over a year, only through the attorneys. Itís a little messier with STBXAH bc I struggle with my own boundaries and itís so intoxicating to believe THIS stretch of sobriety will take. Once the order of protection was lifted, he was in recovery, I kinda relaxed the boundaries and then, inevitably, he relapses and I feel stupid. Also, we have a child and so thatís a hard balance. I try to be calm and as distant and detached as possible.

And yes, I did try to settle out of court. Lawsuits are expensive (no matter who is at fault) and with being a single mom/breadwinner I thought settling without litigation was the right approach. I know the lawsuit will eventually end, but in the meantime, things are bad.

Mostly, Iím feeling really really grief stricken over the relapse. I know itís not my problem, but itís just so messed up. And disappointing.
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Old 07-18-2019, 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted by fml23 View Post
Mostly, I’m feeling really really grief stricken over the relapse. I know it’s not my problem, but it’s just so messed up. And disappointing.
I understand this but how are you addressing it?

Does he actually relapse fml or does he just have periods, maybe even longish periods where he doesn't drink. I went back and read some of your posts and 7 years ago when you first posted he was an on again off again drinker.

Always working on staying sober.

Now, nothing wrong with that and good that he tries, but why are you taking that ride with him? He has never shown you that he is really ever going to have any kind of long term recovery. He is abusive, has punched you in front of your child, he grabbed you by the throat.

Until you take the focus off of him and his woes and put it on yourself, you can expect more of the same hurt. You have hooked yourself up to his wagon and that's a totally unsafe place to be, mentally and physically.

I think you would be safe to believe that until he has 5 years of continuous sobriety under his belt that he is not in recovery, period. Actions. His actions are the actions of someone who drinks. Please don't be disappointed when he does.
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Old 07-18-2019, 09:10 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I understand this but how are you addressing it?

Does he actually relapse fml or does he just have periods, maybe even longish periods where he doesn't drink. I went back and read some of your posts and 7 years ago when you first posted he was an on again off again drinker.

Always working on staying sober.

Now, nothing wrong with that and good that he tries, but why are you taking that ride with him? He has never shown you that he is really ever going to have any kind of long term recovery. He is abusive, has punched you in front of your child, he grabbed you by the throat.

Until you take the focus off of him and his woes and put it on yourself, you can expect more of the same hurt. You have hooked yourself up to his wagon and that's a totally unsafe place to be, mentally and physically.

I think you would be safe to believe that until he has 5 years of continuous sobriety under his belt that he is not in recovery, period. Actions. His actions are the actions of someone who drinks. Please don't be disappointed when he does.
your post really struck a nerve and made me angry and hurt. I find sometimes that the comments about Ďwhen are you getting off the rideí to be overtly judgmental. Maybe itís unclear from my post, but I have no day to day interactions with STBXAH. We do have a child and a lawsuit weíre tied together on, so there are regular texts and emails. So yes, I found out heís drinking bc weíre in contact trying to get documents signed for this lawsuit! Which is exactly why I came on here to post! And yes, I do know the difference between trying not to drink and sobriety with a program. Iím not wearing rose colored glasses, but yeah, it really does hurt when, once again, he bombs himself. I donít like having my previous posts thrown in my face. The cycle of abuse is real. And nobody has a right to judge my journey and how fast or slow I go. Abuse and alcoholism suck. If thereís some magic pill to get to Buddha level detachment, please share. For now, Iím gonna give myself the space to vent and talk about my grief without also feeling ashamed about my feelings. The worst part about trying to heal is exactly that. Understanding how to forgive myself for believing in and loving a person who hurt me.
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Old 07-18-2019, 09:56 PM
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Originally Posted by fml23 View Post
The worst part about trying to heal is exactly that. Understanding how to forgive myself for believing in and loving a person who hurt me.
fml, I'm sorry my post came across that way and I am also sorry for hurting your feelings, that really wasn't my intent.

For what it's worth I don't think you should feel ashamed for your feelings at all, not one little bit.

My only reason for replying was my concern for you being hurt again.

I will bow out of this thread though and I really hope things start going better for you, with the lawsuit and everything. Take care.
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Old 07-18-2019, 10:06 PM
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Wow that is a mess. No worries you will prevail. Just you all got a kid together dont mean spit. Sounds like a donor to me than a father. I will put you on my prayer list. Sounds like you need it. Keep your head up . as for his fam well haters are gonna hate. Know what work silence. They cant argue with that feel me . Keep coming back
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Old 07-19-2019, 03:38 AM
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Hello fml, I'm sorry to read that you are still dealing with the lawsuit from your former MIL. I hope that will be finished soon, and if need be, put a boot up your attorney's backside daily in order to get some action on it. (I wouldn't normally make such a statement, but you are paying her to work!)

As for your ex....can he communicate through e-mail only? Can you, for a short period of time, have someone else read those e-mails and relay to you only the pertinent bits? At least until the lawsuit is completed and you are clear of his mother?

Anyway, I will hope and pray that at least the lawsuit is completed very, very soon! Sending prayers!
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Old 07-19-2019, 03:53 AM
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fml, you have my complete sympathy. Your MIL sounds like a nightmare, and one you can only endure for now. I won't suggest you change your lawyer because it's so late in the day, but you must be so frustrated with her.

No suggestions because you are obviously rational and intelligent, and have covered the bases as well as you can. I hope things start to look up soon.
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Old 07-19-2019, 07:23 AM
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fml....I continue to coparent with my XAH who continues to drink. While we are divorced, I understand the need for some level of contact due to shared children. You will always want the best for the father of your children. For everyone involved. And when your hope is shot, it hurts. No doubt about it.

Vent away. We support you. I completely understand the cycle of abuse, and my heart breaks that you not only have to deal with a difficult relationship, but with his mother as well. Just terrible.

Please know we are here for you!! Stay strong!
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Old 07-19-2019, 07:42 AM
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I've only had 1 lawyer in my life that did what he was supposed to do without me having to ride him like Sea Biscuit. (But the guy cost an arm and 2 legs, so he better have!) I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this. It's so emotionally draining. There is a light to the end of the tunnel....I hope you reach it soon. ((hugs))
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Old 07-19-2019, 07:54 AM
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I think the hurt has more to do with me than your comment. I feel bad all the time that I would ever have involved myself with such a toxic group of alcoholics and abusers.

Since Iím literally in the last weeks of reaching settlement, the entire clan has escalated with the manipulation and power plays. Itís obvious, they know the jig is up, so itís fun to control the last weeks and make the process as torturous as possible. But the stress and pain is horrible.
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Old 07-19-2019, 06:45 PM
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Originally Posted by fml23 View Post
Thanks, everyone. I have been totally NC with her for over a year, only through the attorneys. Itís a little messier with STBXAH bc I struggle with my own boundaries and itís so intoxicating to believe THIS stretch of sobriety will take. Once the order of protection was lifted, he was in recovery, I kinda relaxed the boundaries and then, inevitably, he relapses and I feel stupid. Also, we have a child and so thatís a hard balance. I try to be calm and as distant and detached as possible.

And yes, I did try to settle out of court. Lawsuits are expensive (no matter who is at fault) and with being a single mom/breadwinner I thought settling without litigation was the right approach. I know the lawsuit will eventually end, but in the meantime, things are bad.

Mostly, Iím feeling really really grief stricken over the relapse. I know itís not my problem, but itís just so messed up. And disappointing.
These lunatics always have to have their day in court. My ex was the same way. Rejecting a myriad of reasonable agreements because he wanted a big, drama-filled showdown. He said he was going to "destroy me" in court, whatever that means.

Ultimately, he ended up looking like a mentally deteriorated alcoholic with an axe to grind, and he walked away with way less than he would have with any of the agreements I offered.

Keep hanging tough. You are a mighty mama and we're here for you.
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Old 07-20-2019, 03:57 AM
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Originally Posted by fml23 View Post
I think the hurt has more to do with me than your comment. I feel bad all the time that I would ever have involved myself with such a toxic group of alcoholics and abusers.

Since Iím literally in the last weeks of reaching settlement, the entire clan has escalated with the manipulation and power plays. Itís obvious, they know the jig is up, so itís fun to control the last weeks and make the process as torturous as possible. But the stress and pain is horrible.
I'm so sorry you have to live through the final escalation! Hang in there and be extra, extra kind to yourself through all this. Whatever that looks like--bubble bath, fancy coffee, nails done at a salon....
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Old 07-22-2019, 07:41 AM
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Update: Just a vent on dealing with the man child that is my STBXAH. Despite written emailed instructions dumbed down to the level of a three year old, he did not have a required document signed and notarized. He waited until the last moment to deadline, returned the incomplete doc, and then, when asked to complete it in now a crisis timeline, he freaked out and sent repeated text messages critiquing:

1) my instruction were not clear

2) why is it required to be done this way, I misunderstood the process or am trying to pull a fast one on him

3) He doesnít have a legal ID (from his repeated DUI) and canít possible get one bc said loss of license means no ride to the DMV

4) He has a notary in his family but itís so inconvenient to use her and witnessed short notice

5) I brought this all on myself because of my actions

6) Iím a selfish person as always because he had to rearrange his entire day, how dare I cause him so much stress, his routine keeps him sober

Mind you, all jokes aside, this is part of a settlement that is salvaging his financial well being as much as my own, entirely free to him. Once settled he is ALSO released from the suit. Yet heís never paid a lawyer or done anything productive to get here.

Done venting. I know itís ridiculous and I know itís on him and that heís a selfish child of a person, but my god it gets under my skin! Just stop messing around and finish the doc!!!
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Old 07-22-2019, 07:49 AM
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Vent away! It made my blood boil to read this and it's not even my situation!

Deep, deep breaths. Hang in there!!!

Sending huge hugs to you!
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