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Disclosing my exís alcoholism

Old 07-17-2019, 10:34 PM
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Disclosing my exís alcoholism

Torn. Need some advice...

Before I left my XAGF a few months ago, we had started a business together... nothing legally or financially binding me (thankfully I left prior to all that!) ó however, a friend of mine (who Iíve known for 20+ years) I had recommended to help on a large project of ours. Sheís very respected in her field and is held in high regard. This person doesnít know that my ex is an active alcoholic. She does know that I moved out, ended the relationship and am no longer involved in the business or any communication with my ex.

My friend is still trying to get the project started. We connected last week... and she briefly mentioned that my ex hasnít been communicating and is waiting for bank financing. It would be a very large and expensive project. Money isnít an issue for my ex... but her drinking & reliability IS!

Here is where Iím torn. Because sheís my good friend...do I...

-say nothing & let the balls fall wherever they will. My friend will obviously... at some point see that my ex is an unreliable, active alcoholic... but will have already signed a legal contract and/or receive her fee. It may (probably will) end up disastrous and she (most likely) will be very upset that I never warned her.

-privately disclose that my ex is an alcoholic... and itís up to her whether to continue with the project.

-or, privately disclose that my ex is an alcoholic and truly warn her about moving forward with this project!

I honestly donít want to be involved at all, but I care about my friend & our friendship... and Iím already starting to feel guilty about not warning her. Iím confused about boundaries here? I mean, all this is up to them... and itís not my fault that my ex is an unreliable alcoholic...

however, I did bring my friend into the project...and if our roles were reversed, Iíd want to be informed so I could make the best decision for myself.

What would you do?
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Old 07-17-2019, 11:13 PM
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I'd tell her why your relationship ended and let your friend decide if she wants to take a risk working with your ex. Puts the ball in her court and all you've done is stated the truth behind your split... Which you're perfectly to do.

Remember.. These are not your consequences. They're your exes. Losing clients due to addiction might help them sober up... Or not.
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Old 07-18-2019, 01:56 AM
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Life......If it were me, in this situation, I would tell your friend the facts about why your left the relationship.
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Old 07-18-2019, 05:48 AM
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Thank you!
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Old 07-18-2019, 06:28 AM
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Look I wouldnt sugarcoat nothing. Would feel worse if you didnt and they go along with projext and get burned. Feel me . knowing you could have prevented .a problem. Let them make the choice after you disclose that way you off the hook
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Old 07-18-2019, 06:33 AM
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I would be straightforward about why you left the relationship, then leave the choice to her. If it were me, I would want to know.
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Old 07-18-2019, 07:08 AM
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I personally would not disclose all the details but say he does have some issues that she may want to look into before going any further.

That is just my two cents.
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Old 07-18-2019, 07:40 AM
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Thank you everyone for your advice. I couldnít sleep. I called my friend this morning and kept things very professional... just explained why I left. She thanked me... no surprise she already knew something was ďoffĒ... and had already noticed an issue and a few red flags. The rest is now up to her.
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Old 07-18-2019, 10:50 AM
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Good for you. Itís hard to believe sometimes that it is not my job to lie for my XAH anymore, because it always seemed like it was before. And does it make him look bad when I tell people the truth about MY life? Yes. But the truth is mine to tell and if it means my social circle is closed to him, that is on him. If I ever did anything that the mere knowing of the truth made people not trust me, well, that would be my responsibility.

If youíd kept your mouth shut, you would be in effect lying for your ex. If it was a stranger you knew this info about you would surely have told your friend before she made a big investment. Some may feel differently like it is talking out of school, but to me, telling people I could rely on the truth has been lifechanging, because now they know I need support.
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Old 07-18-2019, 11:05 AM
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Digging: ...itís such a learning process for me! I do feel a little ďbadĒ for disclosing her addiction. Am I better than I was?... definitely. But it was still difficult for me this morning. I started crying a bit during the call. My friend definitely knew it came from a compassionate place. For me, it was an important step. Keeping addiction a secret is such a huge issue... destroys oneís soul!
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Old 07-18-2019, 11:38 AM
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LifeChange, it is a soul killer, for sure! You did the right thing.
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Old 07-18-2019, 12:01 PM
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Addiction thrives in secrecy and lies.
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Old 07-18-2019, 08:55 PM
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Sounds like you did the right thing but yeah, I would have hesitated too.

I'm sure you are still grieving and having bad days Life but you do sound like you are on the recovery track.
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Old 07-18-2019, 09:26 PM
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Thanks again, everyone.

...thanks Bekindalwaysó
Iím still taking steps forward, and for that... Iím so grateful for.

But for me, around this point (the 2-3 month mark)... I start to miss her again. So Iím just trying to stay as busy as possible. The goal for me: 5 months of NC... Iíll definitely get there with a few emotional ups & downs.

Having to acknowledge why I broke up with her... with my ex brought many hurt feelings back. Also because this big project was our dream, together.

Iíll be OK... just another stage of grieving...

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Old 07-19-2019, 05:36 AM
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Life......At the 2-3month stage, after my awful relationship break-up, I can still remember having the pangs of missing him...so bad...I wanted that pain to be lifted...
Looking back, I think the thing that carried me forward through m y struggle of grieving was the nugget of knowledge that I carried, inside, that KNEW that it would come to an end...
I had been witness to so many others who were grieving a deep loss...so, I knew that healing did happen...that one could have a light and joyful heart, once again....
that knowledge was l ike a little candle in the big darkness that carried me...like a tiny little light house.....
I think that must be called faith....?

Life...keep your own little candle burning....
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Old 07-19-2019, 11:18 AM
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Thanks dandy.... Iím hanginí on... definitely with my lil candle still lit
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