Committed
 

Dazed.....you see alcohol as the problem and he sees alcohol as the solution.
two different pages.

Reminds me of this song that I am dedicating to you....

https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...&setlang=en-US

For most of the 21 years we were together, I thought XAH and I were headed in the same direction also. Like you, if I look back, I can see that was never the case.

When we met, I was just having a good time too. We drank together (I never saw his drinking as excessive then), had fun together, enjoyed each other's company. When I look back, I see there was never any actual discussion about what kind of future we wanted. When we decided to marry, there was still no discussion of what we wanted from a life together. I just made assumptions that seemed reasonable to me (we'd settle down, spend less, make saving a priority, pay off our debts while looking to a time when we could work less and do more of what we wanted) and figured he was on board.

This led to him calling me "money hungry" and a "goody two-shoes" once we got near the end. He claimed to not have any idea about what I was shooting for financially and otherwise. He was angry that we didn't have "drink and cook" nights on Saturdays any more. We were never able to discuss major expenditures; he'd just say "do what you want" and leave it at that. I knew he wasn't frugal or a saver. He flat out told me that! But I had those rose-colored glasses on and felt sure that I could change all that. It never occurred to me that he perhaps wasn't telling me this so that I could fix it--he was telling me b/c that is how it was and always would be!

I'm not blaming myself for how things turned out. What I am doing is accepting that I did play an active role in the situation. Here's something that I've kept in my "Wisdom of SR" folder, posted by another member some years ago:
For the first time, I realized that I was not just a hapless victim of his choices. I was a willing participant. This realization didn't bring me shame. It empowered me. If I was part of the problem, then I was also part of the solution. My fate was not tied to his. This was a very freeing moment for me.

It sounds to me like you're coming to a similar place right now, Dazed. I hope that quote is as helpful to you as it is to me.

Hey it is what it is right? You live and learn sometimes the hard way. Like in my case . however like you said if he aint part of the solution then he must be part of the problem . he is in denial. That's the norm for an addict. You cant fix him. Take care of you and move forward. Keep coming back

Dazed.....these kinds of revelations can be very hard to realize...hard to actually wrap your head around and accept. It will take a while to get to acceptance, if you are li ke everyone else....
You will, no doubt. require a period of grieving...which I suspect that you have started.....
This will take time...time...time....

Mine was similar, even if we ended up engaged lately. But even then I felt he always was one foot out the door. Perhaps they intuitively at least know how they are not ready for mature relationship, so that is why they behave like that. But maybe its a good thing actually- at least he didnt lure you into marriage and promise you I dont know what!

I am doing NC with mine now and having hard times with picking up the pieces of the lost dream. But I guess it WAS only a dream to begin with. As any sickness needs to be dealt with first in order to move on in life with more fulfilling stuff, like being in a relationship etc.

I see. well, whatever the case, if he is not committed, there is an underlying reason behind it, is what im trying to say. So I guess WE are the ones who didnt want to see those signs that something is definitely wrong in this picture.

I am trying to cope and take the responsibility too for my own blindness in a way. But then again, I wasnt aware of the depth of his problem for quite awhile. So I cant really blame myself for not knowing...however, I realise in my case it is boundaries thing too- i was too understandive of his needs but neglected mine.

huh, Its difficult alright... :(

For what it is worth...once we are "all in" in a romantic relationship...beginning with the very exciting rose-colored days of early attraction....we all tend to see what we want to see and believe the parts of them that we want so badly to believe....
This applies to all romantic relationships (largely due to the cascade of powerful bonding hormones.....Not--just with acloholics….

There are many broken marriages or broken relationships for the very same reasons, without alcoholism in the mix. In "love" we tend to see what we want to see and believe what we need to believe...
Did you ever hear the old saying....."Love is blind"....

Ah Jesus...that's harsh. One thing I remind myself is that I still love my EXAH, (well who he used to be) and as I wouldn't let him walk out in front of a moving car...I wouldn't let him drink. Both end in death.

I've lost him forever because of that choice...my choice. I honestly couldn't live with myself if I'd told him it was ok. I still feel like I owe it to him to say no.

Please remember that you're never letting them do anything...he's gonna drink no matter what you do. So go do you!!!

With the frequency of so many threads following similar scripts, one has to wonder why people even bother with alcoholics in the first place.

LOL, DriGuy…..lots of reasons....but, here is one---In the beginning, everyone tends to show up by putting their best foot forward...wearing their Sunday Shoes....
And, the Co-dependent tends to show up, in similar fashion---wearing a smile and a Sunday Dress.....
Then....Human Nature (and, human physiology) takes over from there......

My first Husband drank quite frequently initially. I drank on the weekends too, we had a blast. He no doubt drank more than "normal".

He wasn't and isn't an alcoholic. After we got married and things settled down a bit he pretty much quit drinking altogether. It wasn't even a really conscious choice I don't think, for me either, it's the way life goes as you accumulate more responsibility.

And that, I think in many cases, is exactly what happens, except in the case of an alcoholic or someone who becomes an alcoholic during that "fun" time, as you well know it progresses, then what.

Then there is the person that is already an alcoholic or on the road to becoming one, he or she may not drink every day, maybe 2-3 times a week to excess before it starts to progress. They aren't going through withdrawals (yet) they aren't bothered by huge hangovers and kindling (yet).

Relationships don't generally start out like AA meetings, Hi, I'm ..... and I'm an alcoholic.