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Old 07-18-2019, 12:59 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I confess.. I knew mine had a drinking problem

And I saw it very early in our relationship. Then he got an ASBO and I dumped him. But being the naive silly sod I am... I took him back. In fairness he quit drinking for me. (OK..he SHOULD have quit for him). He was sober for over 4yrs or more and it was a very slow fall off the wagon. Once he started on the real booze it spiralled quickly.

Most people think alcoholics are like the ranting homeless guy on the street. We really don't understand addiction you see what you want in a relationship. For a brief a spell.. The longest he'd been sober since he started drinking as a teenager... I got a wonderful, focused lovely bloke. I didn't understand that he was STILL an alcoholic who should have had professional support. I just saw a loving bloke who quit drinking for me.. [insert Disney music here].

If he came back tomorrow and said he wanted to quit I'd say.. Quit, join AA, get all the professional help you need. I'll support you as a friend. But we will not have any sort of emotional relationship until at least a year cos I need to know what kind of brain I'm gonna get. Who are you gonna become once your sober.. And then.. Do I even want a relationship with a man who could relapse at any time? Cos now I know just a little bit about addiction. And I know about co-dependancy. [insert terribly sad music.. Lots of violin and possibly child wailing in the background]
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Old 07-18-2019, 05:29 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Milano58 View Post
And I saw it very early in our relationship. Then he got an ASBO and I dumped him. But being the naive silly sod I am... I took him back. In fairness he quit drinking for me. (OK..he SHOULD have quit for him). He was sober for over 4yrs or more and it was a very slow fall off the wagon. Once he started on the real booze it spiralled quickly.

Most people think alcoholics are like the ranting homeless guy on the street. We really don't understand addiction you see what you want in a relationship. For a brief a spell.. The longest he'd been sober since he started drinking as a teenager... I got a wonderful, focused lovely bloke. I didn't understand that he was STILL an alcoholic who should have had professional support. I just saw a loving bloke who quit drinking for me.. [insert Disney music here].

If he came back tomorrow and said he wanted to quit I'd say.. Quit, join AA, get all the professional help you need. I'll support you as a friend. But we will not have any sort of emotional relationship until at least a year cos I need to know what kind of brain I'm gonna get. Who are you gonna become once your sober.. And then.. Do I even want a relationship with a man who could relapse at any time? Cos now I know just a little bit about addiction. And I know about co-dependancy. [insert terribly sad music.. Lots of violin and possibly child wailing in the background]
​​
this should be published! Fabulous! 😂😂
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Old 07-18-2019, 07:03 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
My first Husband drank quite frequently initially. I drank on the weekends too, we had a blast. He no doubt drank more than "normal".

He wasn't and isn't an alcoholic. After we got married and things settled down a bit he pretty much quit drinking altogether. It wasn't even a really conscious choice I don't think, for me either, it's the way life goes as you accumulate more responsibility.

And that, I think in many cases, is exactly what happens, except in the case of an alcoholic or someone who becomes an alcoholic during that "fun" time, as you well know it progresses, then what.

Then there is the person that is already an alcoholic or on the road to becoming one, he or she may not drink every day, maybe 2-3 times a week to excess before it starts to progress. They aren't going through withdrawals (yet) they aren't bothered by huge hangovers and kindling (yet).

Relationships don't generally start out like AA meetings, Hi, I'm ..... and I'm an alcoholic.
You're right. It's true in all relationships. We get involved at the low info level with each other. When after a time, we wake up to reality and come to realize our potential partner is sick, unstable, or even a bit insane, then comes the messy breakup, where we find ourselves asking, "How did I get involved with this person to begin with?" All new relationships by definition start at a zero information level.

All too often we forget the words of our elders who had this "silly" idea that you should get to know the other person before jumping in with both feet. Although it does work out sometimes. Sometimes not.

Oddly, I met a talkative woman at the park yesterday, who for some reason related that her husband was a lot of fun before he quit drinking. I get that too. Social drinking is a source of fun for a lot of people. Although for me, I now believe it's unnecessary. There's lots of other ways to have fun.
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Old 07-18-2019, 07:08 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by DriGuy View Post
You're right. It's true in all relationships. We get involved at the low info level with each other. When after a time, we wake up to reality and come to realize our potential partner is sick, unstable, or even a bit insane, then comes the messy breakup, where we find ourselves asking, "How did I get involved with this person to begin with?" All new relationships by definition start at a zero information level.

All too often we forget the words of our elders who had this "silly" idea that you should get to know the other person before jumping in with both feet. Although it does work out sometimes. Sometimes not.

Oddly, I met a talkative woman at the park yesterday, who for some reason related that her husband was a lot of fun before he quit drinking. I get that too. Social drinking is a source of fun for a lot of people. Although for me, I now believe it's unnecessary. There's lots of other ways to have fun.
I was with my husband for 15 years before I married him. He was in recovery. He had a few minor slips, itís just in the last few years the true madness has shown itself, thus the divorce.
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Old 07-18-2019, 07:11 AM
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I know that we are discouraged from having black and white thinking, but Dazed, what you just said really shows it. Thing is with an addict, there cannot be "slips" or they always "slip" further and further. An addict has to treat whatever they are addicted to as though they are allergic or it does not seem to work in the long run. Just my observation.
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Old 07-18-2019, 07:12 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus View Post

I was with my husband for 15 years before I married him. He was in recovery. He had a few minor slips, itís just in the last few years the true madness has shown itself, thus the divorce.
never having been exposed to true alcoholism, I didnít know the depth and horror of it all. And understanding itís progressive scared the living bejesus out of me. If it gets worse than what just happened, I donít know what! I do now know itís not something I want to be part of any longer. I do wish him the best tho. The love is still there.
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Old 07-18-2019, 07:16 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
I know that we are discouraged from having black and white thinking, but Dazed, what you just said really shows it. Thing is with an addict, there cannot be "slips" or they always "slip" further and further. An addict has to treat whatever they are addicted to as though they are allergic or it does not seem to work in the long run. Just my observation.
I understand that now hopeful.
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Old 07-18-2019, 08:04 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Dazed, I think what you said is really healthy. He is clearly going down the rabbit hole and if given the opportunity will take you with him. You don't love him any less, you just have to love him from afar to avoid that. Just because you love someone does not mean you can be with them. However, you wish him well.

All very healthy thoughts!!!!


Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus View Post

never having been exposed to true alcoholism, I didnít know the depth and horror of it all. And understanding itís progressive scared the living bejesus out of me. If it gets worse than what just happened, I donít know what! I do now know itís not something I want to be part of any longer. I do wish him the best tho. The love is still there.
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Old 07-18-2019, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus View Post

I was with my husband for 15 years before I married him. He was in recovery. He had a few minor slips, itís just in the last few years the true madness has shown itself, thus the divorce.
Relationships are so complex that generalizing can be risky. People also change over time, so having a lot of knowledge about the other person is not a fail-safe precaution either. Normal people change. We can make some generalizations about alcoholics, however. I think there are only two changes related specifically to alcoholism. He will get worse or he might stop drinking altogether. Either one can result in divorce. There are just no guarantees that come with marriage. Some claim they stayed together through hard work. Others may have just been lucky. Some marriages are happy. Some are not.

I have some good friends that have what appears to me to be the perfect marriage built around dedicated common interests. They do everything together, and I have mentioned to them how enviable their relationship is. The husband just accepts my comment, while the wife groans and claims they fight all the time, something I'm not aware of at all.

Relationships! Love! I'm still haven't figured it all out. I'm at the point where I think much of it defies logic and human understanding. But it's still fun.
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Old 07-18-2019, 09:04 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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DriGuy Love is not only a feeling, its also a hard work-meaning, having the best interest in your heart for each other and seeing your partner as a part of the whole, not only as separate two people. And that takes realism, not just some fleeting emotion

Just sayin'
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Old 07-19-2019, 07:49 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
An addict has to treat whatever they are addicted to as though they are allergic or it does not seem to work in the long run. Just my observation.
Very true. "Allergy" is the exact word that the counselors in my husband's former IOP program used time and time again.
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