Spoke with AH
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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Spoke with AH
AH called. We spoke about the divorce. He says he understands how I feel and has agreed to amicable divorce. He can transfer his job to another place where his family is, where he will be going. He understands this has destroyed me. Me on the other hand, can not believe the cavalier attitude. He said he doesn’t like this, but is planning on moving ahead quickly, thank goodness. The love for him is still there, but I don’t trust the alcoholism. It will rear its ugly head again. After 20 years, this has been what I e seen. So it’s happening. We are splitting up. And he seems fine about it. Heartache.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Sorry for your loss. Hey. You tried right. Everything happens for a reason. I trully believe that. You will be alright. I just got out of a 23 marriage . it suck? Yeah. For the better ? Yes in my case. Very toxic. You know the feeling. Dust them knees off and get it crack in you have a life to live. The show must go on......take care
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I remember reading somewhere that the opposite of love was not hate but apathy. Yeah it is better that he is going off quietly but it still just sucks when they don't care. Our qualifiers probably care about us in someway, it is just any feelings they have for us are minuscule when compared to the feelings they have for alcohol or drugs . . .ugh.
My favorite book about grieving is called, How to Survive the Loss of a Love. I think it was written in the 1960s and would take about 45 minutes to read. I must have read it 20 times after I left my qualifier.
Big hug Dazed!
My favorite book about grieving is called, How to Survive the Loss of a Love. I think it was written in the 1960s and would take about 45 minutes to read. I must have read it 20 times after I left my qualifier.
Big hug Dazed!
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways 
I remember reading somewhere that the opposite of love was not hate but apathy. Yeah it is better that he is going off quietly but it still just sucks when they don't care. Our qualifiers probably care about us in someway, it is just any feelings they have for us are minuscule when compared to the feelings they have for alcohol or drugs . . .ugh.
My favorite book about grieving is called, How to Survive the Loss of a Love. I think it was written in the 1960s and would take about 45 minutes to read. I must have read it 20 times after I left my qualifier.
Big hug Dazed!
My favorite book about grieving is called, How to Survive the Loss of a Love. I think it was written in the 1960s and would take about 45 minutes to read. I must have read it 20 times after I left my qualifier.
Big hug Dazed!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
it is not unusual, this cavalier attitude. we read versions of it here often. he knows you are done enabling him, so he will move on as quickly as possible to replace you with somebody who will. cold, heartless, cavalier... and completely consistent with alcoholism and alcoholics.
the absolute and most important part of this for you is to seek whatever help you need, be it counseling, Alanon, something else, or all of the above, to make sure you never connect to another man like this again.
Take care,
Cyranoak
the absolute and most important part of this for you is to seek whatever help you need, be it counseling, Alanon, something else, or all of the above, to make sure you never connect to another man like this again.
Take care,
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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Yes. This is absolutely horrific. I’m crying my eyes out and he asks me if he looked better today than yesterday before I left. It’s mind boggling, the lack of emotion. He even said to me, I want to do this with as little emotion as possible. I believe you’re right, I am done enabling him...and he does know it.
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The problem is that he is addicted to alcohol.
Lots of spouses retire without the other getting continuously falling down vomiting drunk.
Looking for his “reasons” will just keep you engaged in his world instead of building your own, yes?
Lots of spouses retire without the other getting continuously falling down vomiting drunk.
Looking for his “reasons” will just keep you engaged in his world instead of building your own, yes?
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
The problem is that he is addicted to alcohol.
Lots of spouses retire without the other getting continuously falling down vomiting drunk.
Looking for his “reasons” will just keep you engaged in his world instead of building your own, yes?
Lots of spouses retire without the other getting continuously falling down vomiting drunk.
Looking for his “reasons” will just keep you engaged in his world instead of building your own, yes?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Sorry it has come to this D - but yet it does over and over in these types of relationships where a drug is the third party.
Lack of emotion? Was he emotional before? Many alcoholics use drugs to temper or eliminate emotions, does he?
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
"For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them".
It's sad and very hurtful to you. I really am sorry you got hurt in all of this. You are going to be ok, you won't always feel this awful, however I know that right now it doesn't seem like it.
Lack of emotion? Was he emotional before? Many alcoholics use drugs to temper or eliminate emotions, does he?
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
"For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them".
It's sad and very hurtful to you. I really am sorry you got hurt in all of this. You are going to be ok, you won't always feel this awful, however I know that right now it doesn't seem like it.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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It's a terrible feeling when it seems like the entire marriage/relationship meant nothing to them if they can just move on and be fine like that.
My XABF barely batted an eyelash until 6 weeks after I had broken up with him, NC during that entire time. Then he started finding ways to contact me, and it has continued here and there ever since (I'm around 11 weeks out now).
They feel freedom at first and often ramp up their partying, so they don't feel much pain. But sometimes they start to worry or second guess things down the road once the excitement of being able to do what they want starts to wear thin.
Or maybe the delayed reaction is just because things fell through with the next enabler, so they are just returning to test the waters with us again. I just don't know anymore. I can't figure out what was real or not with my XABF.
While there is some feeling of validation for us when they show remorse and contact us and want us back, it really does delay healing on both sides.. So if we know there is just no way to salvage the relationship, there's not much to be gained from any continued contact. It sucks and hurts SO BAD when they don't seem to care, but it's probably a shorter term pain than having them begging or promising or whatnot.
So sorry you're going through this, it is just awful.
My XABF barely batted an eyelash until 6 weeks after I had broken up with him, NC during that entire time. Then he started finding ways to contact me, and it has continued here and there ever since (I'm around 11 weeks out now).
They feel freedom at first and often ramp up their partying, so they don't feel much pain. But sometimes they start to worry or second guess things down the road once the excitement of being able to do what they want starts to wear thin.
Or maybe the delayed reaction is just because things fell through with the next enabler, so they are just returning to test the waters with us again. I just don't know anymore. I can't figure out what was real or not with my XABF.
While there is some feeling of validation for us when they show remorse and contact us and want us back, it really does delay healing on both sides.. So if we know there is just no way to salvage the relationship, there's not much to be gained from any continued contact. It sucks and hurts SO BAD when they don't seem to care, but it's probably a shorter term pain than having them begging or promising or whatnot.
So sorry you're going through this, it is just awful.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak
it is not unusual, this cavalier attitude. we read versions of it here often. he knows you are done enabling him, so he will move on as quickly as possible to replace you with somebody who will. cold, heartless, cavalier... and completely consistent with alcoholism and alcoholics.
the absolute and most important part of this for you is to seek whatever help you need, be it counseling, Alanon, something else, or all of the above, to make sure you never connect to another man like this again.
Take care,
Cyranoak
the absolute and most important part of this for you is to seek whatever help you need, be it counseling, Alanon, something else, or all of the above, to make sure you never connect to another man like this again.
Take care,
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I don't know...
...but my experience and that of others suggests this may be the case. what was, was. what is, is. what's important is now, and what you are going to do to not replace him with another him. my wife didn't drink when we married. three years later was another story.
focus on you.
C-
agreed, but how do you know? When I met him he was super successful, showed no signs of this madness. I too, was a social drinker, as was he I thought. I no longer drink socially or otherwise, while he has gone off the deep end.
focus on you.
C-
Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus
agreed, but how do you know? When I met him he was super successful, showed no signs of this madness. I too, was a social drinker, as was he I thought. I no longer drink socially or otherwise, while he has gone off the deep end.
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