Wombaticus

We have been planning our big holiday for years, and it is just a few days off being over. It's been good for our family in some ways - more time with the kids, allowing them to see new things etc.
I think our marriage is over though.
He has drunk every evening. He has slept in a different room to me every evening. Sometimes in a completely different hotel room to me and the kids.
Who does that???
We arrived at a hotel one night about 8pm. I'd just driven for 4 hours in an unfamiliar place, petrified of crashing the hire car, kids were fighting, teenager was...well, being a teenager.
He made sure the kids and I found our room and then said: 'right, see you some time tomorrow then' as he went off to his room to start drinking, i presume. I was gobsmacked, exhausted, and very sad. Since then I have barely slept, and have a terrible headache.
I gave myself permission to let things go through to the keeper while travelling for the family's sake.
But when I get back I need to toughen up and confront the issues. Feeling sick at the prospect, but I deserve much, much more than this.

Milano58

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I started seeing this a couple years ago when we travelled overseas. He would just vanish off on his own he was still keeping his drinking secret back then. I definitely felt that priority switch even back then.

You absolutely deserve better.. This is not a relationship of any sort. What do the kids think of all of this?

hopeful4

Yes, I am glad to see you realize you and your children certainly deserve more.

Mango212

Hi Wombaticus,

It takes what it takes to get us to move forward.

Walking away from my husband and using skills and support from Al-Anon groups and domestic violence help centers were huge things for me, experienced in growing support networks with growing confidence.

Has your husband ever been supportive, kind and a good person? Alcoholism doesn't discriminate.

Wombaticus

They think it's ridiculous. Older one talks to me about it. Younger one asks where Dad is staying and i say i dont know, which is often true. AH seems to still want to be around us, but just on his terms, in a way that suits him and without having to take too much responsibility for the kids. Not good enough.
One day he wanted to sit on his own on a bus. 14yo noticed i had to sit alone, so came to sit with me. He shouldn't have to go through that.

Mango212

"One of the most difficult things about overcoming narcissistic abuse is shifting the dynamic from dwelling in pain and ruminating on the past to gaining momentum that will launch us into a brighter future.
The pain is a natural response to the abuse, which broke our heart and in most cases destroyed our sense of self. So we are dealing with a lot.

Although this refers specifically to recovering from narcissistic abuse, dealing with advanced alcoholism has many of the same characteristics.

You and your children are dealing with a lot. It's absolutely okay to create a new life without the alcoholic.

Wombaticus

hi Mango.
yes, he was supportive and encouraging but not always great with the kids.
interestingly, i have been having flashbacks about our early years whilst on holidays and kicking myself for not seeing the warning signs. I suppose it was reasonable to expect that he would grow up a bit once we started a family. Things have really only become bad in the last 5 years.
I had some news about a setback with some study i am doing a few weeks back which i told him about. His response: you chose it, sucks to be you.
I now choose to see his criticism or lack of support as reflective of his own state of being, rather than my problem. It takes a lot to get to that point, and not a sign of a healthy relationship. Still exhausting.

FeelingGreat

Wombaticus, no wonder you're so dissatisfied with your marriage. It sounds like he's really checked out now. He's picking and choosing the bits he wants to be involved in, not accepting responsibility like an adult.
Your last example about the study shows a complete lack of empathy.
Anyway, apart from his attitude, I hope you enjoyed your holiday.

AutumnIsHere

youre right, that’s no way to live. Once you are separate like that I can’t imagine there is any feeling of love. And you don’t want the kids to see that.

Wombaticus

A pretty good holiday despite everything.
The love is slowly fading.

Mango212

Love, trauma bonding and the family disease of alcoholism can become enmeshed,

By working my own recovery and giving myself and child the gift of distance from active alcoholism, eventually I had space to start letting go of what had been hurting us for so long. It's a journey.

The sun will rise again today. There's a lot of hope, faith and power beyond me in that!

Good luck. Stay safe. Emotionally, physically, spiritually.

Milano58

I had to have my cat put down a couple years ago. We brought the kids in to say goodbye. I was in tears and there was no reaction from him at all. At the time he wasn't officially off the wagon but I was definitely in the way. Two months later he was getting drunk and not hiding it from me any more.

They just can't see past the bottle.. Even if he was a non alcoholic and just didn't love me anymore.. He would have felt something. I just got 'shark eyes', ya know.

Sasha1972

It sounds like he has literally walked out on you and the kids (repeatedly). I am glad you think you deserve more than this, because you do. It sounds like you are embarking on the process of mental separation, choosing to see his behavior as a manifestation of his own problems rather than as something that you provoked (or are responsible for fixing). I am really sorry you have to put up with this for now, but it sounds like you have a clear view of what's going on.