Raindrops

trailmix

Yes, don't keep the thoughts and anger at bay. You have every right to be angry, if you weren't I'd ask why not!

You are still grieving RD, you are going to have to carry on with it, you can't go around it or keep it at bay. The good news is that you are probably past the worst of it if you are feeling angry.

Perhaps the question is, what do you do with that anger. Whether that is scrubbing a table or going for a walk or determining that you need professional help dealing with this, that's something you can decide.

Do you attend Al-Anon? Have a therapist? Go to a divorce support group? None of these things will make what happened in your marriage "ok". None of them will mend the dream you had and the shock of finding out he was a liar and sneaky and an alcoholic. What they will do is put you in touch with people who understand. That will lift some of the weight off your shoulders.

Be angry! It is simmering because you are not releasing it at all. Maybe face the direction of where he lives and yell you are an <insert word of choice here>. How about a few, who the hell do you think you are to treat me like that?? Throw in a few I am worth so much more than this, than your stupid little game in your incredibly shallow life.

I'm sure there are a few more things you would like to say. If yelling isn't your thing, you can always write it down - or both!

I think once you start venting in these ways you will find it doesn't simmer all day long and eventually it will pass and you will be free from it.

amy55

I was angry for a very long time. I was in an abusive situation. I could never understand why no one could see that. I guess by saying no one, I was thinking about my family. My children, my mom, my sisters. I wanted empathy, but I couldn't get that, and I was angry and I lashed out.

I couldn't understand how everyone would take his side. I WAS THE ONE THAT WAS HURT. Thing is, I was trying to control my ex when we were married, I just wanted him to be nice to me, I thought, well, nothing wrong with that, but my actions were becoming irrational. I wasn't able to see that then.

I lost my children for a few years because of how irrational I became. Meanwhile ex was Mr Perfect. (which made me even crazier). It was like I had to prove it wasn't my fault.

Anyway, long story, short... I needed to look at myself. I needed to understand why I stayed as long as I did. I needed to look at things that were missing in myself or things that I lost along the way. I had a lot of anger before I left my marriage, I needed to accept that anger was my friend then, but it's not my friend now. Anger helped me leave my relationship. It's only an emotion. I cannot ever say anger is a bad thing, but I had to look at why I had so much anger after I left.

I had that anger because I could not control a situation that I was in, I had to learn that the only person that I can control is myself. So, I think in a way that anger was towards myself.

I had to learn to love myself, I had to learn that I couldn't control another person, I had to learn that it's up to me to determine how I want my life to be. It takes awhile to do this, but it is so worth it.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

Raindrops

hopeful4

Anger is a very real phase of grief. I don't think you have to do anything but recognize it for what it is, and know that it won't be with you forever. When I could not afford it I went to counseling through a women's shelter, for free. No questions asked. Anyone who has been emotionally or physically abused qualifies. It was very easy to get set up. You may want to look into that.

Big hugs!

mylifeismine

Raindrops,
I have no experience with phone or online meetings but you
should try them!

Get some paper and a pen and start writing. Strong emotions,
confusion, sadness - writing helps with all of these. It helps
to sort them out and understand them/yourself better. Don't
worry about what to write, just put the paper before you and
pen in hand and let loose. Don't be afraid of your feelings and
if you need to stop and punch some pillows, or scream into
some pillows, do it.

OpheliaKatz

Raindrops. I have been angry for maybe too long. I was in my relationship for a decade, so that's enough time for resentment about the way I was being treated to form deep wells in my soul. Even after I figured out that I was being lied to, I stayed because I had invested so much in the relationship and I had hope that the person I thought he was was the person he could be -- those were dumb reasons to stay. I also stayed because he had a mental health issue underlying the addiction, and I thought that leaving a person with a mental health issue, whose choices could kill him, would be immoral: I couldn't bear the thought of him dying alone (even if it was from his own bad choices). So I stayed. I stayed until I hated my reflection for staying. Then he gave me the gift of being violent towards me and I thought, 'oh, hell no!', and got out.

And I am still angry years later. I am angry at me. I am angry at him. I am angry at the dozens of mental health professionals who saw us and never once said, "yes, you can leave him." Instead they said, "this is a seriously complex form of PTSD" and also: "we can't comment on his addiction because we don't know enough about that drug". Words to those affect. So I am angry. I'm sure it shows up on this form sometimes: Okatz, the Mad.

However, it's better than feeling sad. It's better than all the other feelings I have had from time to time. I try not to look back... because I can't go back. At least anger propels me forward. At least -- that is what I tell myself.

So... you have a right to feel angry. You may not feel angry forever. Over time you may feel less angry. I aim to one day feel indifferent (that means that I can let go of fear: fear of him stalking me again, fear of meeting another person like him... fear of not making the right choices.)

dawnrising

Raindrops don't laugh..... but I started this with my autistic son many years ago and have used it myself over the last three years. I go and buy a piñata that either looks like the person I'm angry with (i.e. AH) or that freaking Elmo piñata, we thinks about it and write down all the things that make us angry, then we write down on different paper all the good things we want to happen. Then we beat the hell out of the piñata, to the point we tear it into a million pieces and burn it with all the bad thoughts. It makes us laugh and the physical expression really helps let the anger go. Then we end the evening burning the good thoughts we want to happen. We call it piñata therapy and our therapist said its very healthy (thank goodness) If you don't find a way to "exercise" the anger it will eat you up. I know it sounds crazy but get some very close friends and have fun with it, they even will want a shot at your piñata for you, Im sure of it.

LifeRecovery

Raindrops-

I had not let myself feel any anger in my life and spent a lot of extra energy for decades trying not to feel it.

As I got better it came up boy howdy. It took awhile but the relationship that got me here was not the only anger I was dealing with, but also the stuffed anger from many other challenges in my life.

I HAD to feel it. I had to realize that for me my anger did not look like my fathers or exAH. I had to realize for me anger was often a sign of movement, and injustice and a signal that someone had overstepped a boundary.

I was in and out of anger for much longer than I anticipated. It was scary, hard and draining but for me allowing it really was a gift.

Mango212

My experience:

Feel it.

Anger is a human emotion that can come up for any number of reasons. It's okay to be angry, find new to ways to feel, express and deal with anger, plus move through it.

For those who've been emotionally/psychologically abused and were expected to ignore red flags, bad behavior, irrational anything/everything and often taught/shown we were "the cause" (lies, lies, lies!!) of others negative emotions, there is simply toxicity to be released and transformed as we heal.

5 ways I currently use in allowing anger to transform -

1. Allow anger to have it's voice and be heard, in safe, supportive places. Domestic violence help centers, victim's advocates and group therapy sessions have been extremely valuable in this.

2. Anger can be expressed through frustration, the telling and sharing of my story, burned food (I've naturally smudged my home quite a few times without having meant to do this. I now take it as a sign and transformation.), and piled up dirty dishes and clutter. Allowing room to have clutter, recognize it as a valid expression of deeper emotions and wait to deal with it in good obvious timing has been very therapeutic for me.

3. Music. I have a playlist that speaks to my heart and soul about telling the truth, standing up for myself and moving forward. Valley of Wolves, Just Begun is a recent addition to it. https://youtu.be/wDgspW3bgSw

4. Earthing, grounding and consciously asking for anger to be released and transformed.

5. Allowing satisfaction to be a counterbalance as I move through these things. Satisfaction in my breath, awareness, something that uses my senses or imagination.

This process uses energy. Self-care through it is extremely helpful.

Mango212

Massage therapy has also been beneficial for me in releasing anger. One person I've been to uses deep muscle releases and has a conversion first to let the person know what emotional responses may happen and ask if that release is what they'd like right then.

Taking a pause to check in with my body and ask "Where am I feeling this?" is helpful for me.

Tara Brach https://www.tarabrach.com/part-2-awa...through-anger/

Sasha1972

Time helps with anger. For me, it took a long time before I stopped being angry 24/7. Keeping really busy helped. Anger can be energy if you direct it into things that will help you resolve the situation that makes you so angry (if there are indeed things you can do to expedite the break with the alcoholic).

I also found that anger came back as I gained distance on the situation and started to reassess my experiences. There was so much in the way I was treated by the alcoholic (who is now deceased) that was so wrong, on a moral level - but I couldn't see it at the time because I was immersed in the belief (conveyed by the alcoholic) that his problems were my fault. My experience was similar to OpheliaKatz.