Newlife2019

After I divorced XAH a year ago, most people were fully supportive and understood I had no choice. A few people, however, now look at me like I'm the personification of evil. How could she leave that poor, sick man in his time of greatest need? It makes me feel terrible.

Also, I hate it when people ask me how he is and when I tell them their response is, "Oh, that's so sad! Poor guy!" I immediately feel like I have to justify my decision to leave. Feels me with guilt for the rest of the day.

Ariesagain

“Those people” are more than welcome to go tend to his every need. Eyeroll.

When you’re asked about him, “I haven’t heard lately. (Subject change.)” is more than enough of an answer.

Please try not to let it get to you, yes? People love drama as long as it’s not theirs but none of it is anybody’s business, really.

Sending you a hug.

dandylion

Newlife…..I love the following quote----"What other people think of you is none of your business".....It is really liberating if you take this to heart....

maybe, it is time for some new people in your life...those who were not a part of your life when you were with him....
It is a big world...and, maybe it is time for you to spread your wings a little more....

After I divorced my first husband....almost nobody ever asked me a question about my ex husband....(except, of course the people in my most intimate circle...and, they rarely asked anything, either, unless I brought it up.

And, of course, it did help that I did not feel a bit or shame or guilt, myself...so, if anyone DId say anything to me, in that vein, I would not feel triggered....I would just have shook it off like a wet dog.....

trailmix

Hey newlife. Are they looking at you like you are Satan or is that your take on it, are you carrying around guilt in general?

I ask because if we are carrying guilt we can see things where they are not. However that might not be the case with you.

I agree that they should go and take care of him if that is the case and in fact, if anyone ever approached me like that I would suggest it! I would reply, it would be great if someone got a casserole schedule going for him and people would pop in.

Takes your guilt away and gives them something to do when not busy with their judging duties.

tomsteve

if someone says something that makes me feel guilty then it has nothing to do with them;i was already feeling guilty.
if i have no internal guilt, nothing anyone says can make me feel guilty.

I immediately feel like I have to justify my decision to leave.
why??? could be a connection here with the feelings of guilt. there shouldnt need to be any reason to feel you have to justify your decision for them.you already know why and they dont have to know. they are also allowed to feel/think what they want about the situation just as you are free to not give a dam what they feel/think about it.they didnt live it.

hopeful4

People have NO IDEA. They have no education on addiction, nor do they have any idea what that life is like. If they are judging you, they are not your friend.

I would simply say, I don't know how he is, we are divorced, and move on. There will always be a team of people who don't approve of your decisions, and those are the ones to stay away from. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Huge hugs.

AutumnIsHere

Newlife2019

Thanks for the advice, everyone. Yes, I do continue to struggle with guilt. I suppose that's why I let others' opinions get to me. I know, rationally, that I have no reason to feel that way, but I always think I should have done more. The reality is that I tried everything to make him stop before I finally realized you CAN'T make an alcoholic stop drinking. They will always find a way. (Even if it means making your own alcohol using yeast and fruit, which he did!) When you reach the point you can't have apples or mouthwash in the house, you know it's headed to rock bottom. I just wish I would have found this forum long, long ago. I was terribly uneducated about the problems I was facing and thought I could control it. Only he can control his behavior, but that is never going to happen.

AnvilheadII

I hate it when people ask me how he is and when I tell them

remember, you don't have to give a full detailed medical synopsis to this question. anymore than one someone passes you in the hall at work and says How are you? usually they aren't even looking for a response, and we usually just say great, fine, not bad - and you?

less is more.

trailmix

Well as long as you acknowledge it you can get past it.

While you logically know there is nothing you can do to "make" him stop drinking, there is that little thought in the back of your mind that you "should have done more".

I think examining that thought will help you. I mean really dissect it. Perhaps a list of all the things you think you "should" have done that you didn't.

Once that's done, go over it (I suspect it will be a pretty short list) and really look at what you are thinking/saying in that list. Is it realistic or just wishful or old ideas you used to have before the reality of addiction was understood?

Honestly, as you said, if you can't keep mouthwash in the house, where do you go from there.

Also, maybe this is a perspective you haven't really looked at. Everyone has the right to be themselves. Your ex is a drinker, he likes to drink, he wants to drink where and how he likes. You, even as his wife, don't really have the right to change that.

He doesn't have a problem with his drinking you do/did.

If a person is behaving in a way in a relationship that you find intolerable, why would you not show them the respect of leaving them to it instead of trying to change them?

If love alone could cure addiction, if help and reaching out and researching rehabs and making sure they eat etc etc could cure addiction, this forum wouldn't exist.

Perhaps it's time to let yourself off the hook.

Newlife2019

Thank you. That is one of the most helpful things anyone has ever said to me. Yes, he desperately wants to drink. More than he wants to be a husband, father, or grandfather. I don't have the right to dictate another adult's behavior, but I do have the right to leave it behind me. I'm going to post your words next to my desk so I can look at them when/if the guilty feelings flood me again. Many, many thanks.