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Old 07-10-2019, 02:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
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XAH Trying to be controlling


Haven't posted in a long time. My life and my childrenís are so much better now that Iím divorced. My XAH got remarried two weeks ago. These last few weeks XAH has really been bothering me. He texts me and FaceTimes the kids everyday. Now I know thatís not a crime, but when he calls he always ask the kids what they are doing and where they have been, and who we have been with. Last night we were at a birthday party and he tried to facetime them 4 times. I told him we were busy and they would talk to him later. He texted me 3 times asking why they havenít called. I let them call him back when we got home, but he only wants to FaceTime so he didnt answer. He then tried to FaceTime again, and finally settled for a phone call. He asked our 5 year old why momma wonít let me talk to him! The kids have no desire to talk to him, but I havenít not let them. I canít help but feel like he only wants to talk to them to see what we or I am doing. He was so controlling when we were married, and I donít have to answer to him anymore! I just donít know if I have to let my kids talk to him everyday. I looked at our divorce papers it says nothing about it. I just feel like he is sneakily trying to harass and still control me!
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Old 07-10-2019, 03:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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My XAH got remarried two weeks ago. These last few weeks XAH has really been bothering me. He texts me and FaceTimes the kids everyday

aren't those two things kinda weird to be happening at the SAME time??? so much for the honeymoon period!

you are correct, his constant contact IS intrusive on your life and disruptive to the kids, and also unnecessary.

i guess you'll have to decide on what is considered reasonable contact - once a day? like after dinner, before bedtime> and then of course you will have to state this to him. and then prepare yourself for the barrage of

just remember you do not have to answer the phone every time it rings. that's why God made voicemail! same with texts. you control the phone and the amount of contact you get on it!!!!
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Old 07-10-2019, 03:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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lol Anvil



So true, this is no coincidence.

Not sure what triggered him when he got married but it was something. Perhaps he is feeling more distance in his own mind and perhaps thinking well hey, she might just move on too and get remarried (if you aren't already).

I would absolutely limit face time - certain times or hours and a certain amount of time. I don't know if he drags out the conversation but perhaps they could FT to say good night, limited to say 5 minutes?

This would annoy the heck out of me.
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Old 07-10-2019, 03:45 PM   #4 (permalink)
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You might start documenting all of this, especially when he DOES talk to them, in case his weird behavior extends to taking legal action because ďyouíre not making them talk to him.Ē

Is there any chance his new wife has some weird idea about wanting more custody? The timing is just so strange.

But heck, yes, let it go to voicemail. Then treat him the way you would one of your kids having a supermarket meltdown...firm and calm.

Sorry youíre dealing with this!
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Old 07-10-2019, 03:48 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I pulled up my Parenting Plan (every state is different, but the verbiage might be somewhat similar). Mine says that both parents are entitled to "the right to unimpeded telephone conversations with the child at least twice a week at reasonable times and for reasonable durations."

I also don't get why your ex wants to exclusively facetime, other than he's nosy about your home?

Anyways, as long as you're not impeding your children from talking to him, you're fine. He's trying to manipulate their mindset with that "why won't mommy let you talk to me?" comment. Start journaling. It's possible he wants it down the line where you have 50/50 custody or something where he doesn't have to pay you child support. My ex started gunning for that after he got remarried. I suspected my ex's new wife didn't like him having to write me a CS check every month.
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Old 07-10-2019, 05:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Chev......who knows what his motivation might be? But, for the record, I'll add my two cents, here...lol....

My spidey sence makes me wonder if his new wife might have a finger in this....? I've seen it happen.....
If so, that could come from several motivations on her part...
Maybe, she is the type to try to change him....to what she wants....
Maybe trying to change him into superdad, for some reason....
The list of potential motivations is long...

I do know that some new wives resent the child support payments...because they feel that it is money that should be feathering their new nest....
I have, also, seen some new wives strive to be the end all to the new husband, and feel invaluable to him...Ö


Really, I am just guessing....
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Old 07-11-2019, 07:40 AM   #7 (permalink)
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You know what triggered my XAH? His wife! When she came into the picture she started pushing him about things that are "his rights." Never mind any of the hell my kids and I had been through. So that may be what is changing.

That being said, I would just ignore him and facetime every couple of days for a short period of time. I do see that my XAH asks my child what they are doing because he does not really know what else to say to them.
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Old 07-11-2019, 10:27 AM   #8 (permalink)
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My ex did something similar. After a year of basically no contact- he didn't have a phone!- he decided that he needed 50/50 shared custody of our son. We live 1000 miles apart.

He had also just recently married his new enabler/soul mate. This is actually discussed in Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?, how the abuser ropes in new prey with sob stories of the wicked ex who keeps him from having a relationship with his spawn.

It's also a convenient excuse for all of his bad behavior with her. He wouldn't drink so much/get so angry if only evil ex wasn't keeping the kids from him. It's all someone else's fault, and keeping the new enabler triangulated with the evil ex is a great distraction from the reality that they just married an abusive alcoholic.

This is temporary. He might try to push it pretty far, but it will end. It's nothing to do with actually wanting more parental responsibility or quality time with the kids. It's about winding everyone up to keep the focus off his drinking.
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Old 07-11-2019, 10:35 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Like always yíall gave excellent advice! Itís very comforting knowing I can come here and vent. Maybe it is his new wife pushing him to be a better father or have more contact. Either way he is driving me nuts, but Iím so thankful Iím not married to him anymore. I actually feel sorry for his new wife!
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Old 07-11-2019, 11:25 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
My ex did something similar. After a year of basically no contact- he didn't have a phone!- he decided that he needed 50/50 shared custody of our son. We live 1000 miles apart.

He had also just recently married his new enabler/soul mate. This is actually discussed in Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?, how the abuser ropes in new prey with sob stories of the wicked ex who keeps him from having a relationship with his spawn.

It's also a convenient excuse for all of his bad behavior with her. He wouldn't drink so much/get so angry if only evil ex wasn't keeping the kids from him. It's all someone else's fault, and keeping the new enabler triangulated with the evil ex is a great distraction from the reality that they just married an abusive alcoholic.

This is temporary. He might try to push it pretty far, but it will end. It's nothing to do with actually wanting more parental responsibility or quality time with the kids. It's about winding everyone up to keep the focus off his drinking.
Spot on.

My ex-husband did all of this too.

Some years later I bumped into him and the lady he married after me in a shop and I chatted pleasantly to them, asked how his parents and family were. Expressed my sadness when he told me his mum had passed.

His wife and I had not met before. I could see her shock at how I am.

OMG! I am not actually an evil witch as he had described me. I am just ordinary.

He was quite sheepish as it was obvious his lies were being exposed.

Turns out he was abusive to her too and had cheated on her.
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Old 07-11-2019, 11:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Alanon was a huge help in establishing boundaries and I recommend it. He has no right to constantly intrude on your time and demand attention.
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