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The topic of dating has been brought up by friends and family So lately my family and friends have been bringing up dating to me. Most feel like it is time that I “get a boyfriend.” They say that I’m too picky and that I should just go on dates to see what is out there. I have dated since my divorce. I was dating a guy. I really liked him a lot. Things were well at first then I started seeing red flags. Long story short he had been sleeping with numerous women while we were dating. I broke it off and haven’t talked to him since. I was sad and hurt by his actions. Anyways, I feel like I’m finally in a good place where I don’t feel the need to search for a mate. If someone comes along then I wouldn’t be opposed to dating but as of right now it’s just not my interest to be dating. I was visiting my grandma this afternoon. She brought up that I still have feelings for my AXH. She believes that I would still want to be with him. According to her that if I didn’t have feelings for him I wouldn’t care about what he is doing. She knows about all the issues regarding alcohol and him showing up to my house. I quickly responded with that I don’t have feelings for him and that I only care about what he is doing when my kids are around. I honestly feel offended but I didn’t want to be rude. I hate that people assume just because I’m single that I’m not over my X or that I’m not happy. I can honestly say for the first time in a long time I’m completely happy and thankful with my life. I would never go back to my old life that I had with my X husband and I’m not willing to settle with just anybody. |
It's not rude to put yourself first before these other people's judgements. Changing the subject, letting others know you have a voice and are very capable of living a full, happy life and not going into this subject with them can be a great self-kindness. :) |
I would have thought your private life about how and if you date is no one's business but yours. Perhaps some boundary setting is needed. |
^^^^^THIS Actually, to be blunt, it is none of their DAMN business. I came from a family like this. People crossing the street all the time to "fix" other family members. I have been no contact for 3 years with the remainder. Life is much better. |
You never have to tell anyone anything about your love life. Just wink at them and say, a lady doesn't kiss and tell... or: that's for you to wonder about and for me to know. |
I just laugh and say, " it's really no one's business but mine." Works like a charm. |
My happily single newly divorced friend says, "It will take a HELLUVA man to replace NO man!" Makes me giggle.... B. |
Originally Posted by Bernadette
(Post 7224078)
My happily single newly divorced friend says, "It will take a HELLUVA man to replace NO man!" Makes me giggle.... B. I would think that Mamabear's grandma comes from a different era so might not understand that being single can be absolutely preferable. For centuries women's (and to some extent men's) fulfillment was only achieved through pairing up. |
Sooo coming from someone whose family *really* struggled with boundaries, I have to smile at those of you who easily say butt out. But, I agree - telling people it's not their business and keeping to it would be my approach. I do remember your story about that particular guy- and you listened to your gut and ended it. It might sound weird coming from someone who started dating her now husband at 4.5 mo sober - but slower is always better for those of us in recovery/coming from an alcoholic relationship. Footnote- he and I dated in high school and are both in recovery, and built a life based on that. |
Mamabear…...where ever you find single women....you will hear this complaint.... No matter what the circumstance....The question is really a statement...as most questions are....about the person asking the question..... This seems to be human nature....and, goes along with having family and friends and acquaintences… sort of like have people....when you were little...asking "What do you want to be when you grow up? Best I know...is, to find a good way of brushing them off.... My favorite way is this----"I'll forgive you for asking, if you will forgive me for not answering".....said with a gentle smile....THEN....quickly ask "Can I please have some more of that potato salad...it is ssoooo good!" "Did cousin Margaret have some work done?" No use spending time hating on your family for it...life is too short..... A pick your battles kind of thing...... |
well i think if we don't want folks nosing into our personal business too much, we need to take care with just how much of our business we TELL them. if we are using others as a sounding board and giving details about he said this and i did that then he said......and they then offer their opinions/advice, we opened that door. so boundaries have to go both ways. it is also ok for others to HAVE and HOLD opinions. remembering they are just that - someone else's opinions. of which we are in no way obligated to put into action. just a hmmmm, i'll keep that in mind, thanks will do. neutral and not further engaging. |
^^^^SUCH a good point Anvil. I absolutely had to acknowledge that I contributed as much to the "non boundaries" as they did. Prob more! Changing that in recovery has been wonderful for all of us. |
Thank you for the advice everyone. This has been going on for awhile so I have tried changing the subject and brushing it off. I’m probably gonna have to be more direct and blunt if this subject comes up again. I don’t share things going on in my personal life regarding dating or my X. My mom tends to share things with my grandma and aunts sometimes. I’ve asked her to stop doing that. And I’m not “hating on my family.” I come from a family where divorce is nonexistent so me navigating parenting, dating, etc.... is a new world for my family to witness. They don’t understand. Things with my X as you all know have not been the best lately so right now I’m super sensitive with that subject and I’m in need of positive support from my family instead of unsolicited opinions and comments. Thanks for letting me vent. |
Originally Posted by mamabear26
(Post 7224221)
Things with my X as you all know have not been the best lately so right now I’m super sensitive with that subject and I’m in need of positive support from my family instead of unsolicited opinions and comments. |
mamabear….I was, also, the first in my family to divorce...including the entire extended family....I had, also, moved away to the suburbs of a large city.....so, my choices seemed to be an aberration, to them....something that they had never dealt with. I will admit that being hundreds of miles away made things easier for me. I got to control how much of my personal details that they received..... Over time, they just got used to it... |
mamabear, you just need to take care of yourself and your little cubs. If and when that time comes that you feel attracted to someone, you will know. It's no ones business but your own. I went through this with my mom. It was about my son's wedding. I wasn't dating then, also still not dating. She told me that I should ask an attractive guy to this wedding, (even if I had to rent one) so that I would not be alone when I faced my ex and his girlfriend. I said to her, so you think I should have some man candy on my arm so that I don't feel alone, or to have him think I didn't move on? I said perhaps I would do that if I didn't move on or if I felt alone, but I don't. I told her that I was really good being by myself. I told her if somehow if I found someone, then so be it, but I am not looking. I like being alone, don't want to fight over the remote anymore, don't have to cook or clean after someone, and if I need work done in the house that I am not capable of, well..... I have a phone and money to pay someone, also I have neighbors that will help me for nothing, just because we are friends. My mom never brought up dating again to me. You do you, and let everyone else mind their own business. (((((((((hugs)))))))) amy |
I'm widowed. 50% of your friends will tell you you need to get out there, and 50% will tell you you haven't grieved long enough and it's disrespectful to start dating. If you say anything about dating. I didn't. I did some sewing for a woman in her sixties who had never married. When asked why, she said she had never met a man that was worth giving up her freedom for. "It takes a hellava man to beat no man at all" is better. |
I’m divorced 7 months and was with my first ex 12 years (dating and marriage) and then went straight to my second ex for 16 years, I have never been truly alone and I must admit I am liking it a lot so far. I feel like I need to be single for a good long while. Now if i happen to run into someone I’m not necessarily against trying dating, I’m just not interested in actively looking for someone. Even though my codependent tendencies have become a lot less I’m still a little worried about getting into another bad relationship and gettting attaches to quickly. My friend is on dating apps and I must say I have not interest in those. Maybe that will change maybe it won’t. And I have zero feelings for my ex so that is just a dumb argument. I guess people feel sorry for people who aren’t in a relationship. What they don’t realize is that sometimes it is much better to be single |
Mama, I've been happily single for years and years, decades in fact. I hear you. It's been a while since people asked me, but when they did I would just say I'm happy the way I am. Some people can't imagine a woman being happy on her own, but they need to educate themselves. |
mb, I never expected to be happy w/o a partner, probably b/c I hadn't been without someone for any length of time for my entire adult life. I'm 4 years divorced now and enjoying my solitude and space far more than I could ever have believed. Being on my own has its problems, no doubt, but I prefer to deal w/those problems rather than the ones associated with finding and living with someone else. Honestly, a lot of the time, the "problems" are actually lessons for me in living on my own in the world, something I never learned to do in the past. We here all know how scary it can be to move out of our comfort zone and start to take full responsibility for ourselves and our lives... The choice is all yours, when and if YOU decide you're interested in looking again. https://i.postimg.cc/BQfdPhnK/A-woma...-man-quote.jpg |
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