guilt over NC with FOO
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Thank you SmallButMighty. I really, really appreciate the kind words.
A big part of the reason that I "know better" is because I have been reading the F&F forum regularly for quite a long time. I've learned so much. A big thanks to everyone who takes the time and energy to share their experiences here.
When we know better we do better, and you already know you want better for yourself and your child.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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Originally Posted by ElizabethReed 
Hello, this is my first post, although I've been reading here for more than a year. SR is a godsend - this forum in particular has helped to keep me afloat many times when I felt like I was losing my mind.
I'm fortunate that I don't live with my As - in fact, I live hundreds of miles away from them - but they still manage to cause me loads of pain. My father is an alcoholic and has been for many years, although he did not get too bad until after I had already moved out of my parents' house to go to college. He was a high functioning alcoholic until fairly recently, and he does not admit that he has a problem. My brother is an alcoholic and lives with my parents. I've known for years that something was seriously wrong with him, but I only recently came to understand that the problem was alcohol, after he ended up in the ICU and nearly died from organ failure - as hard as they tried, my parents weren't able to hide that event from me. My mom is highly controlling and codependent and may or may not have her own problems with pills and alcohol. My relationship with her was strained, even before all of the addiction issues came to light. All three of them are still active in their various addictions, but they are pros at hiding it.
After a disastrous holiday visit with them more than a year ago, I finally decided to cut all contact with them. I was so stressed from helplessly watching them self-destruct that I could barely function. It was making me sick. So I just stopped talking/emailing/texting completely, which made me feel guilty and sad, but also tremendously relieved. My mom sent me pitiful text messages, begging to know "how to make things right", and so I explained to her that, in the interest of self-preservation, I could not be around them while they were still active in their alcoholism. I told her that I hoped that they would seek help. Well, she changed her tune immediately - she responded with a a nasty email in which she portrayed herself and my father as perfect martyrs, caring for my brother, while I selfishly abandoned him. It was horrible. But I held on to NC, and as difficult as that has been, it has given me peace. Other family members continually put pressure on me to "make amends", implying that I'm a selfish, vindictive daughter. I have explained the situation to them many, many times, but they refuse to listen - they know what I'm saying is true, but they prefer to stay in denial.
So, all of this has been a huge weight on my mind. But now there's a new twist - I've recently learned that I'm pregnant. It is still early, and I've only told a couple of close friends, but if all goes well, eventually I'm probably going to have to let people know about it
This is causing me loads of anxiety - should I tell my parents? It seems like the right thing to do, rather than letting them hear about it through the grapevine...but frankly my life has been so much better without them in it. I know how awful that sounds, but it is unfortunately the truth. I also do not believe that the thought of a forthcoming grandchild will encourage them to change their ways. You never know...but I highly doubt it.
What is the best way to handle this? Thank you in advance for sharing your wisdom and insights.
I'm fortunate that I don't live with my As - in fact, I live hundreds of miles away from them - but they still manage to cause me loads of pain. My father is an alcoholic and has been for many years, although he did not get too bad until after I had already moved out of my parents' house to go to college. He was a high functioning alcoholic until fairly recently, and he does not admit that he has a problem. My brother is an alcoholic and lives with my parents. I've known for years that something was seriously wrong with him, but I only recently came to understand that the problem was alcohol, after he ended up in the ICU and nearly died from organ failure - as hard as they tried, my parents weren't able to hide that event from me. My mom is highly controlling and codependent and may or may not have her own problems with pills and alcohol. My relationship with her was strained, even before all of the addiction issues came to light. All three of them are still active in their various addictions, but they are pros at hiding it.
After a disastrous holiday visit with them more than a year ago, I finally decided to cut all contact with them. I was so stressed from helplessly watching them self-destruct that I could barely function. It was making me sick. So I just stopped talking/emailing/texting completely, which made me feel guilty and sad, but also tremendously relieved. My mom sent me pitiful text messages, begging to know "how to make things right", and so I explained to her that, in the interest of self-preservation, I could not be around them while they were still active in their alcoholism. I told her that I hoped that they would seek help. Well, she changed her tune immediately - she responded with a a nasty email in which she portrayed herself and my father as perfect martyrs, caring for my brother, while I selfishly abandoned him. It was horrible. But I held on to NC, and as difficult as that has been, it has given me peace. Other family members continually put pressure on me to "make amends", implying that I'm a selfish, vindictive daughter. I have explained the situation to them many, many times, but they refuse to listen - they know what I'm saying is true, but they prefer to stay in denial.
So, all of this has been a huge weight on my mind. But now there's a new twist - I've recently learned that I'm pregnant. It is still early, and I've only told a couple of close friends, but if all goes well, eventually I'm probably going to have to let people know about it
This is causing me loads of anxiety - should I tell my parents? It seems like the right thing to do, rather than letting them hear about it through the grapevine...but frankly my life has been so much better without them in it. I know how awful that sounds, but it is unfortunately the truth. I also do not believe that the thought of a forthcoming grandchild will encourage them to change their ways. You never know...but I highly doubt it.What is the best way to handle this? Thank you in advance for sharing your wisdom and insights.
you said that the stress they brought on to you was making you sick, why invite that when you’re pregnant? Just from an outsiders point of view it feels like you would be able to have a better experience of pregnancy without them in your life.
And I’m sure it’s hard and you would love to share the news but you don’t owe them anything. Do what you think is best but be wary of the torment it could possibly bring to you and your child.
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So I went to my first therapy session today. It was really, really hard to make myself schedule that appointment (and follow through!), and I'm proud of myself for doing it. The session was helpful - gave me a lot to think about and some new techniques to try. Thank you to everyone on this forum who encouraged me to see a therapist...I've been considering doing it for literally years and only just now got up the courage to actually do it 
The therapist was very supportive of my NC decision with my FOO. She suggested that I inform my parents of my pregnancy but make it clear that they would not be part of my child's life unless/until they decided on recovery. One thing she suggested was, for the time being, to compartmentalize stressful thoughts about my FOO (i.e., put them in a mental "container" and set them aside), and instead to focus on improving the quality of my own life, my health, and my pregnancy. This seems reasonable. But isn't it kind of just avoiding the problem? Pretending that my FOO and their alcoholism/co-dependence issues don't exist (and that they don't bother me) seems a little like escapism. I want to fix this issue, not ignore it!! <sigh>
Has anyone else had any luck with compartmentalizing?
The therapist was very supportive of my NC decision with my FOO. She suggested that I inform my parents of my pregnancy but make it clear that they would not be part of my child's life unless/until they decided on recovery. One thing she suggested was, for the time being, to compartmentalize stressful thoughts about my FOO (i.e., put them in a mental "container" and set them aside), and instead to focus on improving the quality of my own life, my health, and my pregnancy. This seems reasonable. But isn't it kind of just avoiding the problem? Pretending that my FOO and their alcoholism/co-dependence issues don't exist (and that they don't bother me) seems a little like escapism. I want to fix this issue, not ignore it!! <sigh>
Has anyone else had any luck with compartmentalizing?
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I've heard of it, I think someone posted that their therapist recommended the same about something.
It seems logical to me. The truth is you can't fix this. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it can't Cure it.
How do you think you could fix it, I mean what does that mean to you?
(oh and congratulations on having the courage to go to the therapist. That truly is a big step and scary - but you did it!)
It seems logical to me. The truth is you can't fix this. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it can't Cure it.
How do you think you could fix it, I mean what does that mean to you?
(oh and congratulations on having the courage to go to the therapist. That truly is a big step and scary - but you did it!)
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Yeah, I know I can't fix the As. I guess I want to fix myself...stop obsessing about whether or not I should continue NC with them, stop being extremely angry with my codependent mother, stop worrying about my brother, basically stop being miserable over them all the time. I was actually doing well with this until I found out I was pregnant, and it all came rushing back, and now I can't get it out of my head.
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Well, you originally wrote:
Eventually you got over that guilt (and most of the sadness too I presume).
Now you are pregnant and it seems normal that this would crop up again. Aren't new babies supposed to be about Mom's taking their daughters out shopping and Brother's buying the child a toy and Dad maybe making a rocking horse?
That is not your family.
My Ex made my child a rocking horse. My alcoholic Father sat on it and broke it. That's life in an alcoholic household.
Is it possible you are struggling between how it should be and how it is?
The bottom line is, if you are going to be around them, if you are going to be in contact with them, it is imperative that you accept all of them exactly as they are. You set your boundary with them, only you can cross it and that is your choice, but don't expect "normal", expect exactly what you have always received.
That's really the key you know, acceptance (while also maintaining distance for your own sanity).
Or you can continue no contact, but there is no need to feel guilty about it, you are protecting yourself and that is the right thing to do if you can't accept them as they are.
So I just stopped talking/emailing/texting completely, which made me feel guilty and sad, but also tremendously relieved.
Now you are pregnant and it seems normal that this would crop up again. Aren't new babies supposed to be about Mom's taking their daughters out shopping and Brother's buying the child a toy and Dad maybe making a rocking horse?
That is not your family.
My Ex made my child a rocking horse. My alcoholic Father sat on it and broke it. That's life in an alcoholic household.
Is it possible you are struggling between how it should be and how it is?
The bottom line is, if you are going to be around them, if you are going to be in contact with them, it is imperative that you accept all of them exactly as they are. You set your boundary with them, only you can cross it and that is your choice, but don't expect "normal", expect exactly what you have always received.
That's really the key you know, acceptance (while also maintaining distance for your own sanity).
Or you can continue no contact, but there is no need to feel guilty about it, you are protecting yourself and that is the right thing to do if you can't accept them as they are.
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Ah trailmix, your post made me cry. I guess you have hit the nail on the head. You are right: that is not my family and I feel angry and sad and feel that I've been cheated. And my original conundrum, the decision about whether to tell them/not tell them about the baby, I guess that's sort of a moot point - it won't change anything. I know this consciously, but maybe I've been subconsciously hoping that it wasn't true...
Right now I can't accept them as they are. So NC it is. And I guess I'll try the compartmentalization that the therapist suggested. No point in suffering needlessly.
Right now I can't accept them as they are. So NC it is. And I guess I'll try the compartmentalization that the therapist suggested. No point in suffering needlessly.
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Elizabeth…...I think that you would get validation and support from "Adult Childen of Alcoholic" materials and meetings....
LOL...by the very title, ACAs have family of origin issues. In fact, the membership is open to anyone with dysfunctional families....regardless of alcoholism or not!
You can get their materials from the book section of amazon.com.....
This would be in addition to seeing your therapist, of course. The two would not be in conflict.....
About compartmentalizing....yes, I have used that much of my life....it has benefits....To me, the greatest one is to give myself "breathing space"...so as not to let any one problem or challenge take over my whole existence....
to me, it is a sort of "skill"....lol...
LOL...by the very title, ACAs have family of origin issues. In fact, the membership is open to anyone with dysfunctional families....regardless of alcoholism or not!
You can get their materials from the book section of amazon.com.....
This would be in addition to seeing your therapist, of course. The two would not be in conflict.....
About compartmentalizing....yes, I have used that much of my life....it has benefits....To me, the greatest one is to give myself "breathing space"...so as not to let any one problem or challenge take over my whole existence....
to me, it is a sort of "skill"....lol...
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I'm sorry you cried but I totally get it.
Luckily I had a very sane/great Mother.
If it were me, I would tell them about the baby and let the cards fall where they may. Even an e-announcement would be ok I think. But that's just me, you will do whatever you are comfortable with and that really is OK.
Luckily I had a very sane/great Mother.
If it were me, I would tell them about the baby and let the cards fall where they may. Even an e-announcement would be ok I think. But that's just me, you will do whatever you are comfortable with and that really is OK.
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Yay!!! So glad your therapy session went well! Stick with it, many surprises await.
RE: compartmentalizing. I don't see it as "pretending" the problem doesn't exist. The problem is one you cannot control or fix (their alcoholic insanity). We put stuff in boxes all the time right? I'm not pretending those shoes don't exist I'm just not wearing them this season!
Compartmentalizing for me is just putting myself in charge of which things I want to address in the moment, it creates space in my mind/heart and helps keep my thinking organized around things that are healthy for me. It is so easy for my emotions to get hijacked if I think about family drama, having those issues wrapped up in a box just reminds me that I am actively unpacking trouble if I choose to go there in my mind.
Peace,
B.
RE: compartmentalizing. I don't see it as "pretending" the problem doesn't exist. The problem is one you cannot control or fix (their alcoholic insanity). We put stuff in boxes all the time right? I'm not pretending those shoes don't exist I'm just not wearing them this season!
Compartmentalizing for me is just putting myself in charge of which things I want to address in the moment, it creates space in my mind/heart and helps keep my thinking organized around things that are healthy for me. It is so easy for my emotions to get hijacked if I think about family drama, having those issues wrapped up in a box just reminds me that I am actively unpacking trouble if I choose to go there in my mind.
Peace,
B.
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Hi, Elizabeth.
Welcome.
Lots of support here.
Myself, I like the idea of compartmentilizing.
It’s sort of like a box of rocks that you have been carrying around, and you have decided to just drop that burden.
Put everything in the box and push it off a cliff.
Clearly, I am a visual person.
I see my addiction to alcohol as a monster that I have put in a box, locked it, and pushed it under the bed.
Might you think that way about your family?
Very best wishes for a safe, happy pregnancy. Tell them or don’t, really up to you.
Welcome.
Lots of support here.
Myself, I like the idea of compartmentilizing.
It’s sort of like a box of rocks that you have been carrying around, and you have decided to just drop that burden.
Put everything in the box and push it off a cliff.
Clearly, I am a visual person.
I see my addiction to alcohol as a monster that I have put in a box, locked it, and pushed it under the bed.
Might you think that way about your family?
Very best wishes for a safe, happy pregnancy. Tell them or don’t, really up to you.
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