Dazedandconfus

hopeful4

Don't you think if he was going to get sober and live happily ever after that he would do it now, before a divorce looming over him?

Look Dazed, he is at a truly critical point in his journey. I hope for his sake that he gets sober. You don't see it often, but it does happen.

You know, you don't have to divorce right this second. You could do a legal separation if that makes you feel better.

I know I went through this as well. Wow, what if my X were to get clean and turn into this swell guy. Ha, nope. He is still a drunk. I am still happy we are not together.

I wish you all the best.

SmallButMighty

I think most of us who left our qualifiers go through a period of wondering, " What if I finally leave after all this time and he turns into a sober prince and some other woman gets the fruits of all my efforts". I certainly did.

I've not heard one story here on SRF&F of that happening. Yes sometimes the ex spouse does strive for recovery, but that takes a long time and a whole lot of work. And nobody is ever perfect. That person will always, for the rest of their life be one sip away from relapse. Not everyone can live with that looming over head after what we have all, already been through.

What we do hear a LOT of, is the alcoholic ex spouse continuing to spiral downwards. Sometimes until their untimely demise. My own AXH replaced me pretty quickly with a new squeeze, it broke my heart. But I kept working hard at my own recovery from codependence and built a new, better life for myself. My AXH is now pulling all the same alcoholic, manipulative crap he pulled on me, on her, and not only her, also our adult daughter.

It has been my experience that leopards do not change their spots. Most especially leopards with monkeys on their backs....

Dazedandconfus

Thursdays

SmallButMighty

My AXH "threw away" our 26 year long relationship. It's a baffling disease. The truth is, it was me that changed the dynamic, I chose not to want to live that way any more. He didn't want to change, so I did. I am glad his alcoholism is no longer part of my life.

Dazedandconfus

spiderqueen

After I left my alcoholic boyfriend, I worried that the sweet lovely man would come back permanently and I would miss out.

Instead he drank himself to death at the age of 53. I am grateful every day that I didn't have front row seats to that tragedy.

I hope that like me you can find the strength to turn your husband over to the universe and get on with your life - you won't regret it.

Thursdays

totfit

I think it comes to a decision to move on with one's life, not matter whether or not the SO gets better. One should wish that regardless. I think much of the time that we have trouble moving on, is that there is some "fantasy" hope in the way things "might be if only". Guarantee, even if the "if only" happens, it will in no way be near the "fantasy". Once the decision is made to move on, it is no longer about the other person, but about the path one takes themselves.

SoberRican

I or we just ended a 23 year marriage. Yes boozing was part of the reason. I will clean my side of the street. However I was in a toxic relationship was not healthy. Maybe we fell out of love with each other. Not to mention I lost everything in the divorce. But you know what . the way I look at it everything happens for a reason my sobriety happened for a reason. I am in rebuilding mode so to speak. But I don't worry about tomorrow all I have to worry about is right now and I am sober and grateful for 65 days

Bekindalways

Here's a belated welcome Dazed and so so sorry for what brings you here.

The pain I went through as things fell apart with my qualifier was excrutiating and we never married. Yep I went through all the "maybe" and "if only" type fantasies. Man oh man were those delusions seductive. I can still taste them decades on.

My qualifier went all the way down to armed robbery and drug dealing. He wound up in jail for 3 years. He did get clean and has lived a decent life. I'm so glad I left and although I can't say I had any miraculous recovery from my own codependency, going it alone has been right for me.

I don't know if anyone has suggested Codependent No More to you but it is a bit of a bible around here. Also look into Alanon.

Please be kind to yourself and get through each day the best you can. More will be revealed.

hopeful4

Dazed, I think it's really important for you to understand addiction. It's not a choice between it and throwing away a marriage. For an addict, it's like telling them they can no longer breathe.

You can only do one thing now. Stop with the why and figure out if you want to tolerate this type of behavior in your life. If so, carry on. If not, move forward with your plan. You cannot control how someone else acts, you can only control how you react.

dandylion

Dazed....I second what hopeful4 suggested---Learn all you can about alcoholism. Most people know next to nothing about it..unless they have had the necessity, for some reason to do so. Most of what people believe about alcoholism comes from common mis-information that has been handed down.

The way I see it...from what you have shared...Unless your husband gets into and works a diligent program of recovery...the whole nine yards...12 steps, sponsor, therapy...and does it from his own desire to live sober...for the rest of his life....Your "sweet guy" will probably only make a short appearance....
Why? Because the cause of his behavior comes from the chemical changes that are located in their brain...Once an person has crossed the line into addiction (and the brain changes)...regardless of what led them to this point....the vulnerability to relapse never, ever goes away. That alcoholic voice is still there, hiding in the shadows, ready to show itself when the time is right....Saying things like..."It's o.k...just one drink won't hurt anything...it's only one drink"...."Go ahead..you have earned it...you have been "good" for a long time"....."Go ahead...you have proven that you can handle it."

It is true that many alcoholics can go periods of time without drinking....days, weeks, months...or, even longer periods of time.....

this can convince themselves and others that they are "cured"....
But, there is no Cure. There is remission...and, it can be permanent remission IF the alcoholic surrenders to living their life by the principles of recovery as a part of their life style.....


This is why the common fantasy (fear) that they will "Get sober and live happily ever after"--without doing the work and heavy lifting that it really takes---is just Disney-like, misinformed fantasy....

qtpi

Often I hear the A's fondest wish is that he or she can drink "normally." My fondest wish is the leopard changes his spots...that I once again can love the man I thought I knew. But its a fantasy.

PeacefulWater12

We are just as in denial and enmeshed with the alcoholic in our lives as they are with their alcohol.

Same dynamic. Both sides require a LOAD of work on our own recovery.

They romanticise about being able to drink like a "normal" person, we romanticise that they will become the caring, loving, sober spouse we want.

Al-anon was a massive help to me. To untangle me from my AH.

dawnrising

- Had these thoughts exactly, but the truth of AH situation is he will spend the rest of his life trying to keep a new woman from finding out his current truth and the truth of what he did to our family. That is an exhausting way to live, he will be running for the rest of his life.

qtpi

It is really getting to me lately the lengths he went to in order to keep me from knowing the extent of his addiction. And his whole life was constructed so No one would see. I think because his grandfather was a bad alcoholic who died alone in a hotel room at 40 from the disease. He couldn't let that happen. So he hid it as much as he could. Drinking on the way home from work. Having various bottles in the house with different levels so I couldn't keep track ...not that I would. Golf...everyone drinks when they golf. Bottles in 3 different rooms.

SmallButMighty

I hear that!

I had a moment of vindication last month when my daughter was visiting. She related a few things that have been happening with her Dad... it's the same behavior I lived through (and helped hide) for years... it's disappearing acts, hidden bottles, lies and manipulation... not just to his gf but to our daughter as well.

I said to her, "I am sorry this is happening to you, to her and to him, but I'm glad other people are now seeing and understanding what I suffered through for many years. I guess it wasn't just me being a "crazy b****" after all like he told everybody huh? "

She said," Nope... and it's actually been happening for a while now. I'm scared he will kill himself if she leaves him. I don't want to lose my Dad"

My feelings of vindication went away after that. I hate this disease and what it does to families. I hate that my daughter now lives with that fear in her heart because of his manipulative threats.

Milano58

Ditto here. I only see my EXAH sober now at handovers. When he's going to work he looks fine as he's still high functioning. So I do second guess myself and wonder what if... But he's actively drinking and getting drunk. It's just a matter of time before another DUI.. Drunk and disorderly. Least I don't have to worry whats coming home to me on a Fri night. Will I have to call the cops again? I only put up with that crap for 6 months before giving him the boot. He was like this for years before he met me.. It'll either go on for years or he'll die.

Some people sober up.. Some people don't. Some people wait for their Qs to sober up... Others don't.
For all of us.. Its about what we can live with. The alcoholic won't quit until they reach their own catalytic event and that could be something as big as a near death experience or as small as a stranger calling them a drunk. God knows.

I only know that I deserve better. I deserve big love. My kids deserve a secure and stable home and I have guaranteed that for them. I did that.. 5ft 3ins, 40k..lil ole me. I'll never understand why my EXAH chose to drink again after 4yrs sobriety. Just as I'll never understand why he quit after every DUI, drunk & disorderly, broken relationship, rows with family, drunken injury... Only to start up again.

Logical people don't understand crazy.