New here....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 5
New here....
HI,
This is my first time reaching out for help. My live-in boyfriend of 6.5 years just relapsed Friday night drinking two beers after over 200+ days sober. Throughout his sobriety I have googled Al-anon meetings however haven't actually attended one. He hasn't attended any however said to be doing on-line meetings with an on-line sponsor. He kept his sobriety private only telling two close friends. He relapsed with acquaintances he met through his daughter's little league softball team.
This ride of sobriety we have been on several times in the past 6.5 years, usually lasts about one year or less. This past time was the first time he actually identified as an addict and that all bad choices in his life could be attributed to alcohol. He has cheated on me in the past, both physically and emotionally seeking attention from other women including his ex wife who he claims to despise.
I am clearly seeing the pattern of his addiction especially after this weekend. In which he claims I am always the victim, and never take responsibility in our relationship problems. I am far from perfect. I am stubborn, independent, co-dependent and defensive. I have never however, cheated, not even emotionally, and I do not have substance dependency issues.
My mind believes I have reached the end of this journey. My mind says I deserve more. My mind says his cyclical behavior will always be what it is, as it has been for 6.5 years now. Part of me believes he is done too, however just won't be the one to say it.
Anyway, I found myself here today, because I don't feel like I even belong in my own life today.
This is my first time reaching out for help. My live-in boyfriend of 6.5 years just relapsed Friday night drinking two beers after over 200+ days sober. Throughout his sobriety I have googled Al-anon meetings however haven't actually attended one. He hasn't attended any however said to be doing on-line meetings with an on-line sponsor. He kept his sobriety private only telling two close friends. He relapsed with acquaintances he met through his daughter's little league softball team.
This ride of sobriety we have been on several times in the past 6.5 years, usually lasts about one year or less. This past time was the first time he actually identified as an addict and that all bad choices in his life could be attributed to alcohol. He has cheated on me in the past, both physically and emotionally seeking attention from other women including his ex wife who he claims to despise.
I am clearly seeing the pattern of his addiction especially after this weekend. In which he claims I am always the victim, and never take responsibility in our relationship problems. I am far from perfect. I am stubborn, independent, co-dependent and defensive. I have never however, cheated, not even emotionally, and I do not have substance dependency issues.
My mind believes I have reached the end of this journey. My mind says I deserve more. My mind says his cyclical behavior will always be what it is, as it has been for 6.5 years now. Part of me believes he is done too, however just won't be the one to say it.
Anyway, I found myself here today, because I don't feel like I even belong in my own life today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
I get it. Your mind is right. This is a great place of support. Addiction is a freaking nightmare. My alcoholic has been drinking a quart of gin a day for 3 weeks. It’s progressive. Put yourself first!!! Post here, lots of understanding and support. ODAAT
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but so glad you are here. This is a place of great support.
Yes I have to agree. When you gut is telling you that you're done, listen to it. It's a cycle, and one that you have to decide for yourself if you can continue to participate in or not.
Big hugs. I am sorry you are going through this.
Yes I have to agree. When you gut is telling you that you're done, listen to it. It's a cycle, and one that you have to decide for yourself if you can continue to participate in or not.
Big hugs. I am sorry you are going through this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 5
I am twice previously divorced. Have three children from my first marriage and he has three from his. Although we aren't married, it will be like going through a divorce again, separating finances, debt, the mortgage, our dog. My youngest two children graduated from high school this year, so mine are no longer little. but, his are.
When your mind knows what is best and your heart hurts for it.
When your mind knows what is best and your heart hurts for it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by 3rdxsacharm 
When your mind knows what is best and your heart hurts for it.
I totally get it.
That said, you can stay and continue to ride the roller coaster of alcoholism (which I'm sure you never wanted to sign up for) or you can hop off the ride right now.
It won't be easy, nothing fun about this. The only thing it will bring is future peace and happiness/contentment. You actually sound like you are done, mentally anyway. It might take your heart a while to catch up.
In the meantime perhaps it's time to follow your best instincts? You do deserve to have a happy, peaceful life.
If you aren't quite ready to run out the door, perhaps it's time to start making a plan so you can see your way forward. Document the finances, perhaps a consultation with a lawyer? What do you want to do in terms of living arrangements, buy him out of the house or move and sell up or have him buy you out?
he claims I am always the victim, and never take responsibility in our relationship problems
Nothing you say or do can ever make him "drink". You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
3rdxsacharm, welcome to SR. You will find a plethora of information and support here. My AH has a cycle as well (that starts around football season and lasts until Summer, usually) and he's emotionally cheated on me, too. We are in a season of sobriety right now. AH has been diagnosed with cirrhosis. (I'm actually sitting in a waiting room as I type this while he gets an endoscopy to see if it's Stage 1 or Stage 2).
I'm glad you found this forum - - it helps me immensely and reminds me that I'm not alone and that this disease is a complex, crazy disease that defies rationale sometimes. ((hugs to you today))
I'm glad you found this forum - - it helps me immensely and reminds me that I'm not alone and that this disease is a complex, crazy disease that defies rationale sometimes. ((hugs to you today))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 5
Wow, I really never felt like I would be understood. Thank you so much for reading my post and responding.
Trailmix you are absolutely right and his deflection is certainly a gift he possesses and it works most of the time.
It is sad and scary to think back on the 6.5 years of deflection and not feel like should have been smarter.
He has a ton of love to give and unfortunately has a lot of issues that come into play again cyclically.... Ahhh.. well, I am off this weekend for a girls trip. Leaving today for some much needed floating on a lake and solitude.
Thank you again.
Trailmix you are absolutely right and his deflection is certainly a gift he possesses and it works most of the time.
It is sad and scary to think back on the 6.5 years of deflection and not feel like should have been smarter.
He has a ton of love to give and unfortunately has a lot of issues that come into play again cyclically.... Ahhh.. well, I am off this weekend for a girls trip. Leaving today for some much needed floating on a lake and solitude.
Thank you again.
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