Update - what recovery looks like?

Old 07-05-2019, 11:08 PM
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Update - what recovery looks like?

So, (R)AW has been sober for three months. After I asked her to leave, she was drinking uncontrollably for a week or two and making life difficult for friends and family (I had washed my hands of the problem). Then something changed when she found herself in the de-addiction ward of a psychiatric hospital. From what she describes it sounds like some kind of rock bottom realisation.

She has been living with her mother. We didn’t speak much for the first couple of months, but have spoken a bit more and met a couple of times since.

She is completely immersed in her recovery. She attends online AA meetings (where you call in with Skype) every day and a face-to-face AA meeting once a week. She made a sponsor at her online meeting and has been working the steps (just finished step 3). She also goes to her old rehab clinic for out-patient treatment once a week or so where she consults her doctor and has sessions with her therapist. She has been working at meditation much more seriously than she did earlier and has also been learning yoga.

The change in her is quite startling. She used to be fairly sceptical of AA but now seems completely, zealously devoted to the program. Indeed, sometimes it feels like AA stuff is all she talks about (I find myself getting a little bored!). My sponsor this, the Big Book that, what happened at some meeting, what some step involves. And when she’s not talking about AA it’s about meditation and prayer, surprising me with the most uncharacteristic zen-like attitude. The doctors and therapist at the rehab clinic seem to be very happy with her progress and have been trying to get her more actively involved in what they do, even suggesting some kind of part-time job.

This is of course what she tells me. From what I can see with my own eyes, she has lost some of the weight she put on in her drinking years and generally looks happier and healthier. She hasn’t asked me for money. She hasn’t asked to come back home, hasn’t been complaining or accusing or demanding. She hasn’t said a single negative thing.

So, this is what recovery looks like. Pretty much all the changes we want in our alcoholic partners, right? I am so, so happy for her.

Yet, I still don’t think I want to stay in the marriage. She is only three months sober and there is no guarantee that she won’t relapse. It LOOKS like this time the recovery is for real (the earlier ‘attempts’ looked nothing like this), but after all three months is nothing. And waiting and watching is not what I want either, because even if the recovery solidifies and she stays sober for years, there can still be no guarantee. She herself says she cannot presume to give a guarantee. And I think I need the guarantee. I NEVER again want to feel that sinking feeling of knowing she is drinking, the sick feeling of anxiety and dread when she is out and she is drinking and not answering her phone and I don’t know whether she will come back safe or at all. I don’t want the heartbreak of seeing her relapse. It will be heartbreaking even if we are not together, but quite unbearable if we are. I NEVER want to feel that particular heartbreak and that particular anxiety again, and the only way of making absolutely, 100% sure I never feel it is to separate from her.

When I mention divorce she is upset, says she still loves me and wants to be with me but will go along with whatever I want. She’s requested me not to rush it. We have no kids and no shared assets, so I don’t foresee any complications there. We have been married for 5 years. I am 36, she is 38.

The house still feels like ‘our’ place. I want it to feel more like ‘my’ place, for which I need to start getting more of her stuff out of it (she had only taken a few bags of clothes).

She told me about a friend she had made in rehab earlier who was struggling after he came out. She tried to help him, taking him to meetings, talking to him on the phone etc. He couldn’t stay sober and showed up to meetings drunk, kept making promises of sobriety but not following up on them. She said it was so frustrating and heartbreaking, and this was just a casual friend, not somebody who really mattered to her. She said she couldn’t even begin to imagine what she had put me through and that she was sorry. Hearing this meant a lot to me. It was cathartic. Yet it was also a little frustrating. I mean, the fact that her drinking was affecting me wasn’t a secret! I told her all the time, for years! Why couldn’t she have had this realisation earlier?

I can’t help having thoughts like this. Where was all this recovery last year when she came out of rehab? I was willing to stay in the marriage then. She could have saved it.

I think she just wasn’t ready to get sober. Losing her marriage might even have been necessary to bring about the change. I dunno, of course, this is just speculation.

Sometimes I also have the opposite thought when I hear her describe how she is handling things. Why am I leaving this person who is showing such strength of character and who is finally doing all the things I had wanted her to do? Then I picture a relapse and it is just too much. I need the guarantee. The heart still wavers but the head is clear. I don’t want to live my whole life with the fear of a relapse in the back of my mind. I’m almost forcing myself to stick with my decision. Writing this post is part of it.

I also had a different, strange feeling yesterday listening to her talk about her recovery and describe her daily routine of prayer, meditation, step work, meetings. I felt that I had no place in this, that this wasn’t a life we could share.

Yet I still feel very close to her, sometimes we chat as if nothing has changed. I dunno. It feels like the drinking stuff was all some kind of bad dream. Or was that the reality and the recovery is an illusion? I know, I have to resist thinking in binaries.

Meanwhile, I have been going through a little bit of a depression but I have experience in these matters and know how to handle it. The debilitating crying-all-day phase lasted only a couple of weeks. Now I just cry once in a while, heh. I’m grieving the loss of the marriage and of the life that we had planned for ourselves. Just went on a long and exciting vacation alone in place of the one we were supposed to go on together this summer. Trying to focus on work, exercise and enjoying my normal solitary life. I have this hollow sad feeling but it will lessen with time. I guess.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 07-05-2019, 11:41 PM
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It's okay to get divorced. No strings attached.

It's okay to wait, enjoy life one day at a time and see what happens.

Have you been working your own recovery program? Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, therapy, etc. can make a huge difference -- regardless of if you stay in this relationship or not.
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Old 07-06-2019, 12:07 AM
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Honestly you are either confused or you have made the decision and are apprehensive to follow through.

I can't tell from your post which it is. Do you know?

On the one hand you basically state you are 100 percent committed to never live with an alcoholic/recovering alcoholic again, period. Of course no alcoholic can guarantee anything, which is normal. So based on that you sound like you are ready to leave this relationship.

On the other hand you admire her progress so much and see many of the qualities you probably loved from the beginning.

You know, it's early days yet, you might just want to step back and let the cards fall where they may, see how you feel a few months from now.

If you do decide to wait a few months and see how it's going, I think it's imperative that you let her know where you are at, don't want to give her false hope. That's IF you know of course.

Also, her being totally immersed in her recovery at 3 months is as it should be and good for her. That's real progress. It probably won't always be like this.
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Old 07-06-2019, 02:46 AM
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rescuer....the way I look at it...you are under no obligation to stay in the marriage....Even if she stays in recovery for the rest of her life....you are not obligated…..
That a person doesn't WANT to be in a marriage...for any reason...is enough reason not to....
And...even if she wants you to stay in the marriage...that doesn't matter---because, she has to learn to live life on life's terms...as we all do.
In our Western idea of marriage...both persons have to want it, for it to work in a way that nurtures and not just to exist....

We are each different in what we can/want to tolerate...and, what we want out of life....
There may have simply been too much water under the bridge....

It is not always possible for us to keep those that we love or have loved....
Life on life's terms....
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Old 07-06-2019, 12:26 PM
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Living with active alcoholism is like having a tornado in
your house everyday. We are in survival mode trying to
stay sane and remain responsible and at the same time understand
what the ---- is happening.

When the tornado stops, it is like the people on the news after
a horrible catastrophe, wondering around thru what used to be
their lives. Looking around, picking thru things, trying to find
what is salvageable. Make your recovery a priority for you.

Recovery for the addict is an inside, full time job for a while.

Be kind to yourself, respect the pain you have been through, know
it's human to have limitations and live life as you are able. You
are not obligated to stay in the marriage, you also can take as much
time as you need to decide.
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Old 07-06-2019, 12:45 PM
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First off . good for her for getting the help she needs er wants. Sounds like to little to late. You have no kids. So pull the trigger on your gut feeling. Right now she focused on recovery which is good. She just gonna have to accept that . this situation was her doing. Cant say that you didnt try feel me.
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Old 07-06-2019, 10:16 PM
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Thanks all.

The decision is made. Recovery or no recovery, relapse or no relapse, I just don't want to be a part of it anymore. And if I don't want to share her life anymore there's no point in staying married.

I'm saying it again and again, typing it out again and again almost to reinforce the decision in my own head

I'm not feeling up to following through immediately, but I WILL follow through. There's no need to rush it but there's also no point staying in some kind of separation limbo for years.

In the past I always gave ultimatums and conditions, but this time I have told her clearly that there's no going back and that I want a divorce. No false hope.
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Old 07-06-2019, 10:31 PM
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Good for you for making a decision rescuer.

Dandylion is quite right, no one has to stay in a marriage they don't want to be in, for any reason.

It's also great that you were forthright with her, that's always the best choice.

I wish you both well.
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Old 07-07-2019, 03:00 AM
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This is always a decision that each of us can make, and it's complicated more when a partner is an addict/alcoholic.

I'll just say that, from experience and lots of observation and listening and studying, I firmly believe alcoholism is a family disease. Meaning, you are affected too and for your own well being, and understanding of yourself, future relationships, the gamut - getting help for yourself like Al Anon and counseling and such is really crucial.

We repeat patterns we don't realize, acknowledge or somehow think just won't happen to us....but we don't have to if we are willing to examine ourselves and grow.

Best to you. And your wife. Recovery is the path of bravery for those of us who need to do it - and emotional recovery is the path of bravery for those who love(d) us.
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Old 07-07-2019, 03:02 AM
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I so know what you are going through. I was with my ex for 16 years. Quit several time but always relapsed. Last 2 years were not fun, and one of those he was sober but a dry drink. I hit my rock bottom when I confronted him and gave him an ultimatum. It worked because he was at a point where he felt he could no longer go on like this he just needed that final kick in the butt. He didn’t want to lose this marriage and I already thought: not sure this is salvageable. But I was willing to give it a try because we have a kid. He went to rehab (which made things so much worse between us) for 3 months, got clean stayed clean, changed a fair amount etc etc. Was doing everything right. Yet, I couldn’t get past all the hurt and resentment. He was ready to move on with me but he didn’t live the so called tornado I lived and suffered through and my feeling were mostly gone. They say to give it at least a year before making any life changing decisions. That said you aren’t wrong to quit now and you’re not wrong to give it time. I am glad we waited a whole year at least because things needed to be said in marriage counseling but I am so much happier alone. I really had been alone for a long time already but had the added stress of being with an alcoholic. I am proud that he got clean and appreciate the hard work he did but I just couldn’t see myself staying with him, once feelings are gone they are re gone and they are hard to get back. I didn’t want to stay together for our kid just to end up divorcing once she is in college. I didn’t want to waste 10 years of my life. I’m not getting any younger. Ultimately he called the divorce because he had had enough of my shenanigans. It sucked but it was the best for me and I am much happier now.
You don’t need to make a decision today or tomorrow. My counselor stressed to me many times that I needed to be sure and that I would not have any regrets, no matter which decision I ended up going with. It took me a long time to come to term with it but I have no regrets.
Good luck to you, take care of you and make decision based on what is best for you. I totally understand the guilt of not wanting to be with someone who had done all this hard works to get clean and sober. But in the end you are not doing you or her and favors by staying because she worked to hard to get sober. They have had many chances to do that and they waited too long. That wasn’t your fault,
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Old 07-07-2019, 05:45 AM
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What does recovery look like?
I can tell you what it looks like from the perspective of a recovering codependent.

1. We are not in an intimate relationship with an addict.
2. When we meet someone new who exhibits signs that they may be an addict, we run the other way.

I hope I am not being too blunt here. I wish you and your wife all the best.
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