Does your X come to your home unannounced?

Old 07-05-2019, 08:06 AM
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Does your X come to your home unannounced?

Hi everyone,

I hope everybody had a great 4th of July. My questions for today is does your X come to your house unannounced?

My X decided to come by yesterday around 11am. I didn’t open the door. I sent him a text telling that it wasn’t his day to visit and to leave or I will call my parents to come. He left. We do not have a holiday schedule as part our divorce decree. He just gets to see them on 1st, 3rd, 5th weekend from 8am-4pm.

I now have him blocked from my phone during the time when my kids are in my care. He was constantly calling me. I would look a see 5 missed calls then a text asking me to answer his calls so I’m not sure what he wanted yesterday because he was blocked.

Ive asked him for the past year to stop showing up to my house without me knowing first. I don’t to that to him. The only times I show up is to pick kids up at scheduled time. Last week when I sent him for testing. He called twice in a row. I didn’t answer because I would like to keep our conversations in writing. He then shows up banging on the door. I immediately called my parents, they would come over. I did end up opening the door that day and he said that he tried to get tested but they wouldn’t let him then he started getting angry and told me “what do you want!” I told him I need a lab test results. I told him that if he is going to start getting angry that I would call police he then left. I sent him a text last Saturday telling him not to come to my house anymore. The house is now mine per divorce decree. I don’t know what else to do? I’ve asked him several times not to show up and he still does. I brought some pepper spray recently. I don’t trust him.
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Old 07-05-2019, 08:10 AM
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Heck no!

If my XAH just showed up, I would send him packing. In no way do I hang around his place, and I sure as heck don't want him hanging around mine.

When we drop off kids for exchanges I do speak to him in the drive before I will let my child go w/him to to make sure he is sober. I do not speak to him when he brings my child home. He walks up to the door and hugs her and leaves.

I have often blocked my XAH during the time my child is not w/him. If he is going to bug the crap out of me, I would block him. Then I pretty much have learned to Gray Rock him, and that has made him realize I ALWAYS stick to those boundaries. If it's not a CONSTRUCTIVE conversation about our children that needs to be had, I don't answer his texts or calls. He knows it and it really has changed his behavior. There have been times that I believe I could have went after him for stalking or something related. I should have done it.

Stick to your boundaries and do what is good for you and your children. His issues are his own.
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Old 07-05-2019, 08:17 AM
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I've always done the drop off/pick up at a gas station near my residence. Over the past 13 years, I've had 3 different places, but all within 1 mile of the pick up/drop off place. Ex husband tried at each place to show up unannounced and come in, with the premise of dropping my daughter off. He just wanted to bully and intimidate me. I'm glad you got pepper spray. I would also suggest installing a camera or multiple cameras. When it came to light my ex was talking to my daughter about killing me and my husband, we bought 4 Arlo cameras for around the house. No wiring, so I didn't have to hire anyone to install them. Set-up took about 10 minutes. I also put up a few signs saying the house was under video surveillance. Also document all unwanted visits so if you ever have to go to a judge, you have specific times and dates. This is not normal behavior on your ex's half.
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Old 07-05-2019, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Heck no!

If my XAH just showed up, I would send him packing. In no way do I hang around his place, and I sure as heck don't want him hanging around mine.

When we drop off kids for exchanges I do speak to him in the drive before I will let my child go w/him to to make sure he is sober. I do not speak to him when he brings my child home. He walks up to the door and hugs her and leaves.

I have often blocked my XAH during the time my child is not w/him. If he is going to bug the crap out of me, I would block him. Then I pretty much have learned to Gray Rock him, and that has made him realize I ALWAYS stick to those boundaries. If it's not a CONSTRUCTIVE conversation about our children that needs to be had, I don't answer his texts or calls. He knows it and it really has changed his behavior. There have been times that I believe I could have went after him for stalking or something related. I should have done it.

Stick to your boundaries and do what is good for you and your children. His issues are his own.
I have heard of the Gray rock method. I’m working on becoming better at it. I feel like he always uses the topic of the “kids” to get me to talk to him so honestly I don’t fall for that anymore. He usually will take that opportunity to bash me verbally. I prefer not to speak directly to him anymore. I’ve learned to set boundaries and keep them over the years.

About 3 weeks ago he was across the street my house at the park with his gf (whom is involved with gangs and drugs). They were playing volleyball at 1pm. It was about 100 degrees that day. Neither of them live in my area so out of all the parks to go to they go to the one by my house. My kids have never met or seen his gf. My DS7 knows nothing about her. He believes his father is single. My concern is them hanging out my house. I had a conversation with my X about 2 months ago about her and her family. Her family is involved in the gang life. Her parents were deported back to their country for drug trafficking after doing some time in prison. Her brothers are currently in prison for attempted murder. From other people in my town I hear she is apart of that lifestyle as well. He promised he that she would never be around my kids. What bothers me is that they both know where I live and I don’t feel safe with either of them by my house. I feel like my X did this on purpose.

I went outside and took picture of them by house. My X is now associated with these type of people so I’m not sure what he is into now. There is no sane person that I know that would want to be hanging around their Xs house.
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Old 07-05-2019, 09:06 AM
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Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi View Post
I've always done the drop off/pick up at a gas station near my residence. Over the past 13 years, I've had 3 different places, but all within 1 mile of the pick up/drop off place. Ex husband tried at each place to show up unannounced and come in, with the premise of dropping my daughter off. He just wanted to bully and intimidate me. I'm glad you got pepper spray. I would also suggest installing a camera or multiple cameras. When it came to light my ex was talking to my daughter about killing me and my husband, we bought 4 Arlo cameras for around the house. No wiring, so I didn't have to hire anyone to install them. Set-up took about 10 minutes. I also put up a few signs saying the house was under video surveillance. Also document all unwanted visits so if you ever have to go to a judge, you have specific times and dates. This is not normal behavior on your ex's half.
I’m thinking of changing the pick up and drop off location. I’ve been thinking installing a camera by my front door. My alarm company offers to do that. Thank you for the advice.
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Old 07-05-2019, 09:06 AM
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Ugh. I think you are doing all you can.

I don't have a house alarm (even though I have signs in my yard stating I do). I think I would get one I believe.

Big hugs!
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Old 07-05-2019, 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Ugh. I think you are doing all you can.

I don't have a house alarm (even though I have signs in my yard stating I do). I think I would get one I believe.

Big hugs!
Thanks : )
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Old 07-05-2019, 01:34 PM
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Libraries and fast food restaurants are also viable places for pickup/dropoff of kids - basically anywhere that's a public space which has security guards.

I don't think there's anything you can do if he and his gf are across the street from your home, unless you have some sort of order that specifies a radius (i.e. neither of you can be within x metres of the other). However, this makes pickups/dropoffs difficult because you technically have to breach the order to carry them out. It is weird and unsettling, however.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this!
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Old 07-05-2019, 02:39 PM
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No way. I say this as the sober spouse of a sober man, whose ex wife didn't quit drinking til more than a year after their divorce. Their daughter lived with him the first year, then with us the second. Once her mom was sober, she picked up or brought home my stepdaughter and let her out at the main, visible entry to our building. Never OK to come up, even then; clear boundary.

I'm going to just throw in that a police station is a solid choice for exchanges. If a Sober Link type device is put into his (or her) car AND you do pick ups there, he can't leave with the kids if he fails (I assume this would have to be put into your decree). Things like public transportation or Lyft or such would probably need to be addressed here too, as crazy at that might sound as I write it out!

Achievable and specific methods seem to be what you need and are struggling with...and the part about calling your parents seems like a situation that puts them in the middle of something above their paygrade - and keeping them enmeshed in your relationship. Police can be called any and every time- and that would be excellent documentation.

This all sounds really awful for you and the kids. Strength to you.
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Old 07-05-2019, 05:48 PM
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I would strongly caution using pepper spray in or around the front entry of your home with kids present. We use it at work and have to use purge fans and we can still smell it. You will force everyone out of the home if you disperse it in the home. Then you have to clean it which can reactivate the capcasin. Just warning you that pepper spray is no joke especially with kids around.
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