hummingbird358

Just a quick question as to where I would post on this site for feedback from former alcoholics/marijuana users.
Most of you know the hell we have been through with our 24 yr old son. He doesn't make much contact and actually that is fine. Sent me a request to pay a bill and a request to buy him and his new girl airline tickets... I did not do either.
Still have not told him of our dog passing. Feeling very guilty but he hasn't asked or showed interest in our family.
I did hear from someone that works with him and they told me he hasn't missed any time at work. After hearing that I was feeling good and thought maybe it would be nice if I put money on one of his ER co-pays from when he hurt his leg...
Went to Alanon and the discussion that night was to let them struggle and get stronger through it. How fitting was that!
I still check his phone calls on the phone log since I have him on my cell plan yet. (This is how I know he is alive so I don't mind paying the $30 a month for his phone)
I seen he has been calling weed stores... So he is back to smoking weed again.
I would like to know if from former alcoholics if weed helped them move from alcohol or most likely is he still using both...
If someone in recovery could share with me how they finally got into recovery if they didn't go to treatment. Were you just tired of not having any money?

Mango212

As I stopped doing, checking and being involved in what's going on with the alcoholic and turned that energy to self-work, that's where the miracles of change started to work.

It's a practice. Big kudos for going to Al-Anon.

One day at a time. Are you willing (or perhaps "willing to be willing") to stop paying for your son's cell phone? He can live without one. He can get one on his own.

trailmix

I think sometimes we can get so caught up in a situation that we can't see the forest for the trees.

You know that bailing your Son out is not helping him. You have been doing that for years and years and how has it helped? Not one bit, not at all. It does have him not accepting responsibility for himself and asking you for money for him and his new girlfriend to go on a trip. It's not healthy for him in the long run.

There is no need for you to pay his medical bills. Funny how sometimes what we think of as doing something nice is actually not helpful at all but can have the opposite effect. Sad but true!

By continuing to pay his way you are enabling him to free up money for drugs and also to rely on you as the bank of Mom. He doesn't have to budget, he has you.

He owes you $4500.00 but asks you for holiday money.

You being nice is just enabling him to not grow in to a responsible adult and to continue to have cash to buy drugs.

I know that isn't your intention, to buy him drugs, but you are, even if it is a round-about-way of doing it.

trailmix

I'm not a former or current alcoholic but drugs are drugs.

Marijuana and alcohol are both drugs.

I'm sure some alcoholics continued or started using weed as their drug of choice and some weed users switch to alcohol as their drug of choice. But it's meaningless in the big picture of the forest.

I'm also sure some people stop drinking because they want to save money. There are many motivations to quit, I'm going to guess that's not very high up on the list though, based on what I have read and seen. Might be a bonus but not a big motivator.

SmallButMighty

To answer your question.I know someone who replaced alcohol with weed and actually functions better as a human being, but I don't consider him sober or healthy. He still relies on a substance to skew his brain cells and "deal" with life. But it's really none of my business, it's his life to live how he chooses.

However...

I know you feel better paying his phone bill so that you can follow his call logs. I get that as a mom you want to know he is safe and making good choices, I really do get it. But do you realize what a breach of his privacy that is?! How intrusive for a grown man to have his mommy following his every move. Also it is not healthy for you to be snooping on him. It's codependent behavior to be playing detective, and in the long run it does nothing to help or save your son, it just drives you nuts trying to figure these things out.

My mother has never given my brother the space or the dignity of figuring out his own life. He is a 45 year old child, and behaves as such, because he knows she will always bail him out of his scrapes and give him a safe place to not have to fully face his own consequences. It's very unhealthy for both of them.

I hope you are able to give your son the dignity of being a man in his own right. Paying his own bills, making his own choices and facing his own consequences.

atalose

No one could possible tell you if your son is still using both. Each and every single alcoholic and addict are different so someone sharing with you THEIR story of how they got into recovery isn’t going to make a hoot of difference with YOUR situation.

I think it’s great you went to al-anon – do that more!!! You seem to still be obsessing, still looking for ways to steer HIS ship both of which are doing you absolutely no good at all.

How about you explore why after hearing some positive news (he’s not missing work) you felt the NEED to reward that by thinking of paying his bill? He’s a 24 year old man going to work regularly like most adults do.

hummingbird358

I stupidly felt the need to help him because I know he is very strapped financially. Thought of helping him but now I am not.
I pay is the cellphone because he is on our family plan as well as my daughter who is in college.
All of his other bills he is responsible for (rent, utilities, food, cable, prescriptions, copays, etc.) I send him NO money.

Mango212

Hi hummingbird,

No need to kick yourself. These are natural feelings and reactions that are part of this "family disease of alcoholism". It affects all of us around the alcoholic/addict in many ways!

Your daughter is in college. It's kind of you to have her on the family cell phone plan. I take it your relationship with her is different and she isn't alcoholic/addict?

Your son has a serious chronic disease that has very counter-intuitive ways to deal with it. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It seems paying for his cell phone under these circumstances isn't anything on par with paying for your daughter's.

It can be very fair to do different things for your kids at different times. Not tit-for-tat.

Food for thought.

Bekindalways

It is indeed so so counter intuitive to deal with addicts. To do it right, you have to let all those Hallmark instincts take a flying leap out the window . . . not fun.

AnvilheadII

do you also read thru your daughter's call log to see what numbers she has been calling?

hummingbird358

My daughter is in grad school. No she is not an addict and yes we have a good relationship. She knows I check phone logs and we joke about it. I tell her not to give me a reason to check. If I check my son's and I am in the right mood, yes, I do check hers but not very often at all. She also has me linked to her checking account so I can see what she spends her money one and she is grateful that I look at it because a few years ago she had fraud. Because I check my account daily, I noticed her issue quickly and it was taken care of.
Yes, she is an adult and she is in grad school and very busy. She willingly has me on her account and she asks me to check it.

She doesn't have a "brother"and it breaks her heart.

trailmix

Good for you hummingbird. Practicing not doing this is the way to go. It's not easy! It goes against the grain to not help someone we care about.

In this case when you give him money you are basically enabling him to buy drugs. Whatever you pay gives him cash to spend on drugs, it's that simple. I know that's not what you want to do! But it is in fact what you are doing.

It's not easy but the stronger you become, the more you practice not enabling him, the better off he will be (and you too). It's a leap of faith.

atalose

It took me a while to accept that my son was financially strapped not because he wasn’t making enough money at his job or that he hadn’t gotten a raise in a long time. Or because he was paying a high medical insurance premium. My son was financially strapped because he would purchase booze and pot first and then worried about the rent, gas, food, etc. I hung on being a part time enabler part time codependent part time snooper always wanting to believe that “this time” the need for money was because of anything other than the booze – pot.

My son has been sober since January of 2017 and I’ve been FULL non-enabler/non-codependent/non-snooper since January 2016.