JLknox52

Our adult son is 34 and was still living in our home until last Saturday. He is our youngest son, of 3. He began drinking and using weed at 16. I have recently through must prayer realized I have enabled him. I had issues in my own life with family sexual abuse and have written a book called Defined and how I healed. This book is about not letting your abuse define you, and yet I have allowed my son's verbal abuse, lies and his continued abuse define our lives. We wrote him a letter a month ago telling him we suspected him of using again and if we found out he was he could no longer live in our home..his older brother who lives in a separate home next to us and he has had issues over our sons verbal abuse and his drug issues. I have 2 grandchildren next door as well as keeping my granddaughter, the daughter of the son who is using for the summer. This granddaughter tried to commit suicide 6 weeks ago. My son has 42 days, court ordered during the summer with her. I care for her during the day. She came to us for the summer ,3 weeks ago. I could not believe he purchased a pistol for her shortly after she arrived. Can someone please assure me we did the best thing by having him removed from our home. I will no longer enable him with God's help. I have cried for 4 days. This almost feels like a child's death. Both our other son's are fine and support me. I appreciate any support and advice you can give me and I thank you and covet your prayers

Dee74

Hi and welcome to SR

you posted in the chat administration forum which is not the chatroom, so I moved your post here for more response

As painful as it must have been, I think you absolutely did the right thing.

If someone is a threat to another persons safety then absolutely they should be removed from the house.

D

trailmix

Hi JL and welcome to SR. What a really tough time for you and your family.

I don't have a lot of experience with a child that is an addict but I believe you did the right thing. It surely can't be worse. He is a 36 year old man living at home using drugs for 18 years. What he has been doing so far is not working (for him or anyone else).

I hope you will be able to keep the granddaughter with you for the 6 weeks since he probably has no where to live (and it is obviously a very negative environment with him around).

Have you attended Al-Anon at all? It's highly recommended around here for extra support and tools to help you cope. Also there is a book called Codependent no more by Melody Beattie that you might want to read, again, often recommended here.

Remember you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Bernadette

Hi JLKnox52
Welcome

So sorry for what brought you here, but glad you found us!
Collectively here on SR we've seen everything so please know you are not alone.

My 3 brothers are all As and I had to learn how to stop enabling them and protect myself from having a front row seat to their self-destruction.

There are many parents on here who are dealing with the issues you raise and I'm sure they will be along in the next couple of days to share their experience, strength, and hope,

You definitely did the right thing - protecting yourself and your minor granddaughter is always the right choice. But I do understand how heartbreaking it is.

I agree with trailmix about AlAnon and "Codependent No More." AlAnon was really helpful for me to get some tools to help me detach with love, and get the focus on my own mental health. Maybe try an AlAnon meeting if you can?

https://al-anon.org

Sending you a shot of courage and big (((((hugs))))).
Peace,
B.

PeacefulWater12

Sorry to read of the situation you are in.

I also encourage you to attend Al-anon, working the program has helped me enormously.

hopeful4

What would you say if you heard about this happening outside your family? I think you would be horrified and tell the people to remove that person from their home. You did the right thing.

You are your children's main influencer only until the age of 10. Then, it's fair game from the outside world. That is information given to me from a professional psychologist. Realize, you cannot control other people. They make their own choices and have to suffer their own consequences.

You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. Take good care of the grandkids and yourself!!!

QuietlyTired

So sorry you’re going through such an awful situation. You’ve absolutely done the right thing to remove him from your home! Especially when he’s providing a suicidal teenager with a Pistol!! The rest of your family has your back and knows you did the right thing, lean on them for support if you can. Hang in there and remember you’re doing the best you can with what God gave you.

thequest

Tough love is called tough for more reasons than one.

That being said especially since other family is in agreement which is crucial to possible success I'd say you made the right choice since it involves safety. Some people need the consequences of their actions to smack them in the face squarely and repeatedly before they even begin to think about change-maybe.

To me other family supporting you is the key. Everyone needs to be on the same page. And there is documentation to the severity of his detrimental behavior.

Also he is a younger adult which means there is still time for him to alter his course. But he's spent half his life drugging and half a lifetime of habits will be hard to change or eliminate. But it will be even harder the older they get because the longer it goes the more entrenched their behavior becomes.

Good luck, stay safe.