Advice on co-parenting
 

Hi All,

I am struggling with how to ease into co-parenting with my EXAW.

She is still presently using, and I saw this first hand this past weekend. Presently we have a verbal arrangement in which EXAW can visit daughter anytime provided there is supervision (from a 3rd party) or through myself. As my EXAW lives out of town it is hard for her to see her daughter. In fact she has only see her once in the last 30 days.

The reason for this arrangement is that the EXAW was drinking around my daughter and has put her into harms way...I got fed up with that and also told her to leave the family home. Which she did...and now is very angry about the situation (unfair etc...)

We have been under this arrangement since start of April 2019 but I can see that things are shifting for her because she seems to be becoming more desperate that her relationship with her daughter is souring. I actually don't want that to happen but I can see my daughter growing distant from her mom and a lot of that has to do with my daughter not ever feeling like her mom has adequately made up for her disappearing acts, missed birthday, driving her drunk etc.... In fact now, my daughter does not want overnight visits with her mom unless I supervise them...which is dangerous for me as there is still a spark between EXAW and myself.

I am feeling so guilty for this...Like I have to mend this relationship...that her using still makes me wonder if this is just another manipulation...

She is in a 12 week OP treatment program but still using...

Advice

How old is your daughter?

My daughter is almost 12.

She is in a 12 week OP treatment program but still using...

UGH. Keep protecting your daughter! That's always the right thing to do. Whether AW is getting "desperate" because her relationship w/ DD(DearDaughter) is deteriorating is not your side of the street. She's an adult and knows what she has to do but if she's still using - forget about her doing what's right.

Talk honestly with your DD too, so she knows these boundaries are n place because of the seriousness of alcoholism. I wish I had had one sober sane adult in my life when I was that age to protect me! How the heck did I know what to do or what to think? I was just a kid! I needed someone to say: "It's OK to still love your Dad and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but this is alcoholism, and so we have to protect ourselves and not enable his addiction, and I'm here all the time for you and will answer your questions and help you with strong feelings about this!"

Always always always play for Team Sanity and watch out for cunning and baffling Team Alcohol trying to recruit you and DD!!
Peace,
B

B,

Great reply...I just want to feel validated for doing what I am doing. The AW makes my actions sound over the top...and I have guilt around that for sure.

The choice is to keep using is what your Ex is prioritizing over her child.-I agree 100% with Bernadette as I also grew up in an alcoholic home.

Protect your daughter, and be honest with her about what's happening in an age-appropriate way, and don't feel bad about your Ex--right now her addiction is more important to her than family, and as terrible as that is, there is nothing you can do to make her choose differently until (and if) she gets ready to.

I suggest you get some legal advice, document the continued alcohol use, and get some more formal custody arrangements in place. Does her OP know she's still using?

I'm sorry for your situation, but your are doing the right thing for your child.

It is not your responsibility to mend their relationship, as long as you aren't hindering it (speaking badly about her, discouraging a relationship). Not to say you are.

Your wife is a grown woman with a child. If distance is prohibiting her from spending as much time with her as she would like then it would seem she should move closer or make a bigger effort to get there.

You mention that this could just be manipulation, to what end? To work her way back in to the house/family? It could be, really hard to say but if that is your gut feeling on it, you are probably right?

Does your Daughter have counselling or attend Al-Ateen at all? If not I would suggest you get her involved in either as soon as possible. Alcoholism is a family problem and her resentments are not the only things she will be dealing with.

You supervising over-night visits, based on what you have said, sounds like a disaster in the making.

Absolutely, because people feel guilty when they do something wrong and you have a person saying you are doing something so WRONG! Keeping a Daughter from her Mother! You may as well be Satan.

That is where team sanity steps in, as Bernadette so aptly called it.

If someone came up to you today and said you know, your Daughter's Aunt Betty is a using addict but gosh she would really like to spend some time with your Daughter, perhaps have overnight visits so they could see a movie etc.

In any sane world would that ever wash? No. Sure, what harm can it do to have my child around an addict!

Unfortunately you can get one foot (or in some cases both) on the insanity ship because you have also lived with it so long. Things that would be shocking to others get to be the norm. Someone passing out on the sofa or floor, staying up all hours of the night drinking. Unable to attend a function or celebration because they are too wasted or hung over. These are not "normal".

This is misplaced guilt. I suggest that you aren't coming between her and your Daughter, addiction is and we all know there is only one person that can fix that.

wll…...it seems that you are struggling with establishing certain boundaries around the relationship between you and your wife....(with the child in the middle)….
Perhaps some more focus on what are appropriate boundaries....the help of alanon and your therapist should be helpful with that....

wll…..For what it is worth....there are several books written for children who have a parent who is an alcoholic....For the child to read or for an adult to guide them through the book....

The following are just 3 examples...but, there are many more...
1. "I Can Be Me: A Helping Book for Children of Alcoholic Parents"...by Ed.D. Diane S. O'Connor ( for age 4-12)
2. "Mommy's Disease"...by Carolyn Hanna O'Connor
3, "An Elephant in the Living Room" (The Children's Book) ...by Jill M. Hastings

You can find all of them on amazon.com...most at reduced prices if used copy, and some are free on kindle....

****Sorry,if you are already familiar...but, I post these because other parents may be looking for materials to help/talk to their kids.....

I second the advice to get your daughter into Alateen. My daughter started going and she LOVES it. It's good for them to see that they're not alone and they shouldn't feel ashamed.

Thursdays....I have heard that, sometimes, they have taken kids as young as 8...but, I can't verify that....
I have, also, heard that there are some "Alakid" meetings in some places....for the younger kids....
I don't have kids, anymore....but, I am pretty sure that some others will be along who can better inform you.....

I just asked my daughter what the youngest age has been at her meetings and she said 11. Her meetings tend to run small in size, though.

Alcoholics have an amazing ability yo play the victim. If she's still drinking she can't do overnights. My EXAH did the whole AA thing right up til we signed the parenting order. He either was always drinking or started again when his access was finalised. Alcoholics lie. Your child is not safe with an active alcoholic. I would insist on a sobriety test when she visits. No alone time, no over nights.

You are the only responsible parent your daughter has. An untreated alcoholic is always a risk. I can say this as a solo mum with 2 preschoolers who spend 3 nights with their alcoholic dad... No supervision. It's god awful. My dad was also an alcoholic and it was his inconsistent behaviour that screwed us up. I'm sorry but you're feeling guilty for the woman you still love. You are now your daughter's only parent. Her needs come first. Sorry for being brutal. It took me 5 months of therapy with trauma councillors to let go of feeling guilty for doing the RIGHT thing.

I have a DD who is just a little older than yours. She has been through this for quite some time. The best investment I ever made was counseling (with the right counselor) for my children. It gave them a safe place to vent.

Thing is, as they get older, she will recognize a couple of things. One, that you are fighting to do everything you can do to protect her. So keep doing that. Two, that her mother is an alcoholic and there is nothing she can do about that.

She needs to understand the three C's. The she did not cause it, she cannot control it, and she cannot cure it. That addiction to an addict is the same as them needing to breathe. It's not a choice between she and the booze (that's a hard one that my DD still struggles with), and that she is loved no matter what.

She is old enough to receive education on addiction. If you have a Celebrate Recovery around you, many of them have a teen program called the Landing. It's an amazing program and I highly recommend it.

As far as what you can do. Educate yourself about the judges and court in your area as family court has a wide discretion and they all handle alcohol addiction in different ways. Talk to attorneys who understand addiction and are familiar with your judges.

Sending you a big hug.

12 is usually old enough for AlAteen, at least the meetings I've been around, but check your local area:

https://al-anon.org/for-members/grou...urces/alateen/
Peace,
B.

I noted that there's "still a spark" between you and the ex-wife. Good for you for noticing this and being self-aware. Also, this is one more HUGE reason to maintain you and your daughter's distance from the ex-wife, and/or outsource supervision to third parties. Kids that age are starting to become super-aware of "sparks", and very impressionable in ways that will shape their own future sparkiness. You don't want your daughter to form her expectations of what it means to be attracted to someone based on her observations of an alcoholic.

WOW. Everyone who responded, THANK YOU:))

I took my daughter to a program called, Bounce Back, which was put on by a substance abuse service designed for kids 11-13 that have parents with addiction. It was a 3 day intensive course and she learned a lot. She has also been doing weekly art therapy sessions where she is able to talk about her mom and learn techniques to deal with the ups and downs. We don't have Al-Ateen where I live (on an small island community), we do have Al-Anon though.

Woodlandlost, that's great. That weekly art therapy sounds like something my daughter would like. Art has been a huge source of therapy for her. I looked on the Alateen site, and it says that when there is no Alateen meeting available, they are more than welcome to attend Alanon. There was also a link for an online Alateen chat group: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/teen-c...-chat-meeting/
Just thought I'd pass that along. :)