Cruelty, need input plz
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Cruelty, need input plz
So AH likes to provoke me when he drinks. I’m severely anxious and he likes to show me scary things and news that he knows will make me upset and ruin anything I was looking forward to. How can I dismiss this stuff and still enjoy whatever plans I had? I have trouble ignoring him.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 16
I hate to say this but you can’t. I don’t like discussing politics and my ex had radically different views than I have, and while I tried to be accepting of his, he would start provoking and prodding me about mine the second the drinks really hit. You can get up and walk away and do something you love. About the best you can do.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Do you attend Al-Anon or counselling or have any support like that? I would really recommend that you go to Al-Anon if at all possible. Detaching from him would help and you really need tools to deal with this.
I'm assuming you cant leave at this point, so there is no other option. You need to separate yourself from him more. He is obviously taunting you and if you participate at all (watch what he wants to show you etc) then he is satisfied. Don't let him be. You have to protect yourself (leave the room, leave the house).
No wonder you have terrible anxiety. What a horrible situation for you.
I'm assuming you cant leave at this point, so there is no other option. You need to separate yourself from him more. He is obviously taunting you and if you participate at all (watch what he wants to show you etc) then he is satisfied. Don't let him be. You have to protect yourself (leave the room, leave the house).
No wonder you have terrible anxiety. What a horrible situation for you.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Sorry you are in this situation. No wonder you feel anxious.
I also encourage you to go to Al-anon. I find working the program an enormous help.
You don't have to stay in the room when your AH does this.
I didn't realise I had the right to remove myself from nasty behaviours. It was in Al-anon several years ago, I was amazed to hear that I had this right. Growing up in an alcoholic home, I had been trained to sit and take the abuse.
We don't have to.
I also encourage you to go to Al-anon. I find working the program an enormous help.
You don't have to stay in the room when your AH does this.
I didn't realise I had the right to remove myself from nasty behaviours. It was in Al-anon several years ago, I was amazed to hear that I had this right. Growing up in an alcoholic home, I had been trained to sit and take the abuse.
We don't have to.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Get some headphones. When my AH would start trying to pick at me, and I couldn't just leave the house, I'd slap those babies on and either watch my own show on my smart phone or listen to music. If you can't hear it, you can't engage or be triggered. My AH would usually give up soon thereafter.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Pizza, I hope you are hanging tough with what is going on. This sort of thing is beyond difficult.
I recently read about "Grey Rock" which is a technique of not reacting at all to taunts/abuse. If you can do what the others suggest as far as getting away and/or using head phones. If this isn't possible, try the Grey Rock techniques.
I recently read about "Grey Rock" which is a technique of not reacting at all to taunts/abuse. If you can do what the others suggest as far as getting away and/or using head phones. If this isn't possible, try the Grey Rock techniques.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you don't have to watch anything...whether it's on his phone or the tv or whatever. you could even "pretend" and look off to the side.
he is not in charge of you. you are.
he is not in charge of what you see, think, feel, do, wear, eat. you are.
he is not the center of the universe. get out of his orbit.
he is not in charge of you. you are.
he is not in charge of what you see, think, feel, do, wear, eat. you are.
he is not the center of the universe. get out of his orbit.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Don't take the bait. I see it all the time. Here the A has the persona of a "professional" athlete and must win everything. Every dollar, every point, debate, decision etc. Don't take the bait, don't not engage. Maybe acknowledge the comment in the most minimal non opinionated way possible. But do not engage.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
pizza......I see this as abuse....Maybe, yu have not thought of it I n those terms....but, one doesn't have to be physically hit to be abused....
Especially for someone who already has anxiety....for someone to have "un" at their expense, by deliberately triggering more anxiety, is a cruel for of emotional abuse....
This can lead to generalized anxiety disorder...and, over time, can culminate into a form of ptsd…..
Especially for someone who already has anxiety....for someone to have "un" at their expense, by deliberately triggering more anxiety, is a cruel for of emotional abuse....
This can lead to generalized anxiety disorder...and, over time, can culminate into a form of ptsd…..
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
"In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the addict's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the addict as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers.
Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate
Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality".
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html
Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate
Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality".
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html
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