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Alcohol - Like a Third Partner in our Marriage

Old 07-03-2019, 07:44 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Bekindalways, wise soul that she is, posted this in another thread:

Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
He also said something that revealed that his idea of his role in the relationship was pretty much as a passive recipient of my ongoing attention
I think that's pretty profound and it also seems to apply in many cases where there is an addict in a relationship.

It seems hard to fathom that being a passive partner in a relationship would ever be ok with anyone but in fact it seems to apply in many cases here (for the alcoholic). Just an interesting way to look at it.

I will be the recipient of your attention and I basically don't have to do much of anything at all.
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Old 07-03-2019, 11:42 PM
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Originally Posted by PerSe View Post
I've been out of the house for over a month now and doing fairly well considering the circumstances of ending a 20 year marriage. I've been deliberately working on changing my focus and I've found a really great Alanon group, but I find myself thinking and still trying to just figure out why this marriage just crumbled like a house of cards, so easily, like nothing was ever there. I just still want to understand what happened because there was never any ongoing emotional or verbal or physical abuse; STBXAH was the kind of dad that was involved with the kids' sports activities (rarely missed a game and volunteered to help with their teams); he never cheated on me; he seemed to love me and he definitely loved (loves) the boys. But that moment back in February when I set a boundary that "I cannot live with the level of drinking you are doing" it - my marriage of 20 years - just crumbled at my feet. It's like he switched - it felt like I was suddenly the enemy, and though there was lots of ongoing emotional distance for years, he was suddenly cold as ice and I was out (with STBXAH you are either in or out, liked or disliked, good or bad - not much middle ground with him).

I recently heard someone use the analogy that alcohol was like a third partner in their relationship and I really really identified with that. I realize now that is how it has felt for me for so many years, for our whole marriage really. It's not that there were DUIs, abuse, missing work (but actually there was a bit of that), or other irresponsible behavior - it's that drinking was always his first love. I was always second. As long as I was there to support that, I guess I was in. When I became unwilling to support it, I was out. I guess he loved me in his own way but it hurts because I feel like I have been dumped for alcohol. I do realize this is the nature of alcoholism and I try to accept that.

I guess my biggest thing now is - why did I play second fiddle for 20 years? That is a question whose answer I may come to understand in Alanon, I suppose. Thank you for reading. I think this is helping the grieving process.
Thank you for posting. I also feel “second fiddl.
e” to alcohol
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Old 07-13-2019, 07:09 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Bekindalways, wise soul that she is, posted this in another thread:



I think that's pretty profound and it also seems to apply in many cases where there is an addict in a relationship.

It seems hard to fathom that being a passive partner in a relationship would ever be ok with anyone but in fact it seems to apply in many cases here (for the alcoholic). Just an interesting way to look at it.

I will be the recipient of your attention and I basically don't have to do much of anything at all.
this is such an accurate description of my marriage. He was basically going along for the ride. I got tired of being the only alive one in the marriage. He was happy just to work, drink, eat and sleep...mostly drink.
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Old 07-13-2019, 07:37 PM
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Yes. My XAH acted like it was simply his RIGHT to have no responsibilities. I remember one time when I'd come home from buying new clothes for the kids and he had a tantrum because I didn't buy him any new clothes.
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Old 07-13-2019, 07:47 PM
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Originally Posted by LLLisa View Post
Yes. My XAH acted like it was simply his RIGHT to have no responsibilities. I remember one time when I'd come home from buying new clothes for the kids and he had a tantrum because I didn't buy him any new clothes.
jealous. Yes. Same. Spoiled brat baby who needs his bottle.
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Old 07-14-2019, 06:58 AM
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It's not just partners, it's children, too. My addicted stepson's attitude has always been that he is allowed to have everyone wait on him hand and foot while he does nothing. No job, no responsibility, no effort to support others in his family, nothing. Just drink.
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Old 07-14-2019, 12:59 PM
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Originally Posted by LLLisa View Post
Yes. My XAH acted like it was simply his RIGHT to have no responsibilities. I remember one time when I'd come home from buying new clothes for the kids and he had a tantrum because I didn't buy him any new clothes.
Man.. Saw that so many times. Would get jealous when I even bought myself clothes for work. I ended up buying stuff online and sending to my office. I'm not even a chronic spender. I couldn't even buy myself a bar of chocolate without him whinging for his.. Or some of mine. I was confused.. Did he want another mum..
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Old 07-14-2019, 01:07 PM
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My doctor told me my XAH was actually married to alcohol...and I was a mistress!
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