Time Away to Reflect

Old 06-27-2019, 04:24 PM
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fwn......Oops! I did not know the extent of your desire to maintain social secrecy about your husband. If I had, I would not have written a "book" suggesting that you see an alcoholism counselor who has many years of recovery under his belt......so that you can learn the realities of what true recovery looks like and how long it takes. I am, now, guessing that you will be reluctant to talk to anyone in your town (including counselor) about this....
I am thinking that you (and he) will be relunctant to talk to anybody in your small town. Is this, perhaps, why he only went to one AA meeting....to try to maintain secrecy?

I see another quandry here---Given that genuine recovery will require lots and lots of AA meetings, and a sponsor, and outreach work....And, early recovery takes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 yrs....depending on who you talk to...How in the world do you plan to stay in the same house and maintain secrecy for years to come?
If you knew what was behind closed doors in your town, you would be shocked at how many other's lives are affected by alcoholism. And, you might be surprised at how many people already knows that your husband has a "problem".
Now, I am not saying to spread your personal lives up and down the streets...because, I do think that only those who have a "need to know" should be privy to your business....But, it is awfully hard to live in a vacume in a small town, as you describe.....

Concerning the house and the kids schooling....I suggest that you go back to your other thread and read the post that I made to you on 6/20/2019 at 5:PM.....
I have been through the single parent thing with 3 small kids...and, I believe, that as young as your kids are...what happens inside their home and the mental state of their mother is more influential than their school life....al things considered.
You did say that you didn't want to be going through this a few months from now....but, I get the feeling that you have some unrealistic expectations of your husband's ability to "nail this down" in a few month's time.....
That is why I have harped on seeing an alcoholism counselor with years of recovery to inform you about it.....informed decision making....
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Old 06-27-2019, 04:26 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post

it's interesting that you say you feel very invested in your locale, the school, the house - but then flip that and say if HE moves out there is no point in staying.

take some time and contemplate that dichotomy. is he really the lynch pin to all of this??? or is it possible, maybe, that life was leading you here, to this now, regardless of his continued participation?
this really hit home. Even though I didn't want to move here, I've often thought it feels as though I'm here for a reason. I've been able to accomplish so many positive things that are bigger than me here, things I wouldn't have done back in my hometown. We've built a beautiful life here, and it's something to think about on whether or not I want to be here even if my husband isn't in the equation. Quite honestly, I don't like doing social things with him anymore anyway, I haven't for a while. I do so much myself because I always feel like he will embarrass me if he joins.

When my therapist called me yesterday to check in on things (she's busy, haven't had a session with her in a while), she said something that made me think about our marriage as a whole. I've been battling his drinking for so long under the guise of my 'control problems' and 'you should really look into getting some medication because you're so crazy' related to his drinking, that I don't even know what we have left if the drinking resolves. Yes, I love him and yes, we get along well when he's sober because we can have intelligent conversations about work and enjoy the same TV shows at night etc. but does he meet my needs? I don't even know what my needs as a wife are anymore. Is that what a marriage ends up being after 10 years? Everything revolves around his drinking and it has for as long as I can remember. I love to be taken out on dates, he never does that. He forgot my birthday this year, didn't prepare my children at all for it and I was devastated. He never plans anything for us and has taken me for granted for so long. I don't even know what's left.
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Old 06-27-2019, 04:35 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
How in the world do you plan to stay in the same house and maintain secrecy for years to come?
If you knew what was behind closed doors in your town, you would be shocked at how many other's lives are affected by alcoholism. And, you might be surprised at how many people already knows that your husband has a "problem".
Oh people know, sadly they all know. And you're so right here, I guess I'm just not ready to explain myself to anyone here when it comes to us separating. My friends who I've told back home I've been good friends with for 20 years, 18 years, and 14 years respectively. I trust them completely and feel very comfortable talking to them.

I am not a person who enjoys sympathy from others, I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me or treating me different because they feel bad about my situation. So it has worked well to sweep all of this under the rug here (this being the horribly embarrassing DWI situation) and move on with my life like everything is okay.
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Old 06-27-2019, 04:43 PM
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fwn…..when I got my divorce...only the most immediate people in my llife knew. Not once, did anyone feel "sorry" or "pity" me, in the community and in my work place. Most of them never knew...and, never asked....
People will take their cues from how you conduct yourself.
The truth is that most people..except for the very closest....are so busy trying to ru n their own lives and meet their own challenges that they spend less time worrying about your personal life than you imagine that they do....

Quotation...." You would worry less about what other people think about you , if you knew how seldom that they did".....
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Old 06-27-2019, 04:53 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post

Quotation...." You would worry less about what other people think about you , if you knew how seldom that they did".....
LOL SO TRUE. None of these people lose sleep over the DWI situation I endured. Or over him being drunk at social events when he shouldn't be. And honestly none of the people here would care much if we got divorced, I guess it is just part of life.
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Old 06-27-2019, 04:57 PM
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fwn…..I wonder if the bigger problem that you are struggling with is your own personal feeling of guilt, shame, or failure...…? Lots of people in your situation do express these feelings......
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Old 06-27-2019, 05:06 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
fwn…..I wonder if the bigger problem that you are struggling with is your own personal feeling of guilt, shame, or failure...…? Lots of people in your situation do express these feelings......
Probably all of the above, although I haven't given it much thought. Way back when I did think we'd make it for the long haul, we agree on so much when it comes to parenting and life style choices, other than of course this huge problem of his drinking...................

And I do not enjoy the thought of being a divorced mother of 3, but then again who does. Better than being a miserable married mother of 3.
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Old 06-27-2019, 05:33 PM
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fwn…...Actually, I felt more free and had sooo much more fun as a divorced mother of three.....than a married mother of 3.....and, so did my kids...we enjoyed life together, so much better! Who knew?
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Old 06-27-2019, 05:43 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
fwn…...Actually, I felt more free and had sooo much more fun as a divorced mother of three.....than a married mother of 3.....and, so did my kids...we enjoyed life together, so much better! Who knew?
That's awesome. I'd love to know how you did that, I'm exhausted as a pregnant mother of 2 very energetic and rambunctious boys. Super excited for a girl on the way though. I just need more sleep.

Even if we did move back 'home', I'd live probably 30-40 minutes away from my main family because one thing I've realized living hours away is that I enjoy the freedom that comes with space. Love them, but also love my space.
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Old 06-27-2019, 08:10 PM
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I also find being a single mom wayyyy easier than being a mother and the wife of an alcoholic. The latter job is too much to carry and took away from my ability to focus on my little one, and it wasn’t an accident (he was always demanding my attention, to her detriment). I actually decide I still want a second kid without a husband because I like my single mom life and I always wanted to have two. This way no worries about #2 ever being at the mercy of shared custody with an unfit person.

It sounds scary, but that’s often a lot of cultural noise. Even though some mothers have it better with a partner, I’d be willing to bet not many of them are on this forum.
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Old 06-28-2019, 02:45 PM
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FWN, I don’t have a lot to add. I just started posting here myself and my life is a hot mess express. But I just wanted you to know that I sympathize with your situation, and totally get it when you said you thought you’d be in it for the long haul. I am struggling with that myself, and just wanted you to know you’re not alone!
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Old 06-28-2019, 08:16 PM
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Being a single parent is a million times better than trying to co-parent with an alcoholic, says one who's been there. Not easier or more fun, just better.

Just a thought - if you do issue some form of ultimatum ("start treatment or I'm leaving"), please consider putting very explicit time frames on it , to an extent that would probably be ridiculous ("if you have not completed a recognized outpatient rehab program of at least 30 days duration with at least 80% attendance by September 30, I will consider the marriage over on October 1 and will move out by October 15"). If your ex is anything like mine, he will pore over any statement you make to find loopholes that would allow him to bargain, procrastinate, or otherwise manipulate the situation so that he can continue drinking indefinitely without any change in his living arrangements. And be sure you can follow through. He can choose whether or not to seek treatment and his choice will have implications for the actions you will take.
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Old 06-30-2019, 09:08 PM
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Digging, I always wanted a second child too, but a miscarriage (which AH did not seem upset by) and pre-foster/adoption classes were fruitless (the agency, Boystown, closed down the summer we did the classes). I'm glad to read that I'm not the only person still wanting to fulfill that dream in these type circumstances. God knows that would be a ways down the road, but I haven't given up all hope.
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Old 07-03-2019, 06:38 PM
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Fwn - I can only share my experience. I believe I was led to the community where I am now. Things happened in such a universe kind of way I cannot deny. I was terrified to take this place on actually afraid of getting everything I ever thought I wanted. (what if I was wrong, what if I lost it, what if it was too hard.) Turns out diagnosed with cancer about 8 weeks after taking the leap. This place, my new community, my old and new friends are exactly what I needed to heal. This is my healing place. A place to heal from cancer, walking away from my marriage, starting over in my late 40's. My body is strong, my support system is vast and more miracles show up daily for me. One of my biggest fears was explaining myself in this very conservative community and fearing the judgement that may come. But I faced my fear and told the first neighbor I met (months after I met her) Because of her age and upbringing I expected her to be super judgemental, but she really surprised me. Nothing phased her. I took that leap because she would constantly show up in my driveway with a nugget of wisdom that I needed at the time. I just felt like she was sent for a reason. I would say trust your gut, you are a survivor, when the time is right and you'll know when that is, you will change your situation. I would also second the idea that being a single mom although very hard, still has to be easier than parenting with an alcoholic, that BS is exhausting! I would also say that something that really helped me through every single day was the 100 days of happiness on this site. I did several rounds and I believe it made all the difference. When you are open to the universe, the universe opens up to meet you. Much love
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