Nearly a year later and how it feels
 

Just wanted to say thank you to everybody on here for being so supportive. I wish I'd jumped on here a couple of years ago when alcohol started to really impact my marriage.

Its really helped to go NC as much as possible with my EXAH.

I've had to come to terms that I can't co-parent with an active alcoholic. Although he's currently functioning as a dad, I know that as the disease progresses his interest will dissipate. I've already seen him going from enthusiastic (while still in AA) to not so bothered, dressing kids in same dirty clothes 2 days in a row, not brushing their hair, not getting them up early enough to give meds, etc.

I've come to the massive conclusion that he can't hurt me again-unless I let him. I've taken that intermittent chicken story to heart. I'm going to pin 'no new contact=no new harm' to my front door so I can see it every time I open the door to him.

I may not be ready to date yet but I am actively imagining and designing the future I want. I may have to keep sharing the kids with him, until he dies or loses interest but instead of missing him or the life we were supposed to have I'm imaging:

-Sundays spent with a loving, compassionate man. A gentleman with a loving supportive family who embrace me as one of their own
-Showing my children how men are supposed to treat women, with kindness and respect
-Showing my children a consistent male role model who adores them and can become a strong father figure for them
-Creating a beautiful, loving home where my kids feel loved, safe and free to express themselves
-Nurturing myself and my kids so they use meditation and art to cope instead of ever turning to alcohol or drugs
-Creating a strong network of friends who continually support myself and my kids
-Never looking back at what could have been but looking forward at what I want, what's good for me.

I can not cure him. He can not be the man, the life I want to have. So I'm letting him go completely. I'm done flogging a dead horse. Its time to let in love from another who can be all that I want, for me and my kids. We deserve so much better!

Hope this resonates with some of you.

Thank you for writing this. I just met up with a friend and said something similar about what I want at some point in the future. A mature, loving, equal relationship.

Thank you Milano for your beautiful post.

I know...I think I'll be shocked actually to be with another normie. I've a feeling my new beau is going to be flabbergasted with the nonsense I've put up with. It will certainly be nice having another sane person at my side!

There are many people on this site that are going to really appreciate this post and take such hope from your words. Thank you so much for sharing. I think it is such a good idea to project what you want to see in your future and go for it. You deserve it!

Milano!! This is so awesome! I would, and did, write down your list and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Only thing I did different was write "I deserve" In front of each item. Which felt completely awkward even writing, let alone reading it each morning since I was not used to feeling like I deserved anything previously. I self sacrificed myself while trying to save someone who didn't want saving.

I deserve-Sundays spent with a loving, compassionate man. A gentleman with a loving supportive family who embrace me as one of their own
I deserve-Showing my children how men are supposed to treat women, with kindness and respect
I deserve-Showing my children a consistent male role model who adores them and can become a strong father figure for them
I deserve-Creating a beautiful, loving home where my kids feel loved, safe and free to express themselves
I deserve-Nurturing myself and my kids so they use meditation and art to cope instead of ever turning to alcohol or drugs
I deserve-Creating a strong network of friends who continually support myself and my kids
I deserve-Never looking back at what could have been but looking forward at what I want, what's good for me.

And YOU DESERVE everything and more! Also, I found once I started dating a "normie" the need to tell him what I been through was a moot point. He will see the woman you are now and that is all that matters. You are no longer that person.

Milano:

Awesome post, especially, no new contact = no new pain.

I am in a place today where I just miss my EXAW. Was cleaning out the freezer this am (Garbage Day) and I found a bunch of frozen things, now covered in ice, that she made when she was still at home. My head kinda started spinning as I was imagining her in the kitchen. I am feeling the loss of those moments...the life I wanted to have. So, your words about what you WANT for yourself ring very true for me.

You almost forget what normal life feels like. That normal men really do exist and happiness is achievable.