Can I have some positive thoughts?
 

Getting ready to walk into first mediation session today. I'm pretty nervous. I'm mentally prepared to walk away if he starts being irrational, but he has been so erratic in his behavior the past week I'm not sure which version of him I'm going to get.

Anyway, happy thoughts please. I CAN DO THIS.

AutumnMama…..of course, you can do it! I think the dread of it is actually worse than actually doing it, most of the time. Courage comes forth just at the moment it is needed...…
If he is truly irratioinal….might as well hang it up, in my opinion.....mediation, as far as I have seen is for those who are capable of reason.....

You have options, tools and healthy gut instincts. Trust in being able to use these. Look for support throughout the day in unexpected ways. Ask God/Great Spirit / Universe to show up for you. Allow emotions to flow in good timing. Trust it is good timing. ((((hugs))))

You are going to do great! You will conduct your self with grace and dignity and if he doesn't.... it wont be you that looks like a gigantic, unreasonable ass.

Sending good vibes and will be thinking positive thoughts for you today! Can't wait to hear the update. It's gonna be a good one!

You sure can! You have no idea what he will bring to the table , but you are in complete control of what YOU bring to the table and how you react.

Big hugs and lots of good thoughts!

Sending good, happy, strong, positives
vibes your way in hopes and wishes and
that you do take care of you to achieve so
many amazing blessings you deserve.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. :)

So, I think it went okay? Haha. I'm still kind of digesting and trying to remember what I agreed to. But the attorney is going to write everything up and I can have my attorney review it before I sign anything.

The money stuff--I got everything I wanted. I resisted a little on the proceeds of our house that we're selling (part of them go to his parents, they gave us the lot) but I got something written in that if it sells under X price, we will go back to mediation to adjust his parents share. I'm fine with that.

Regarding custody--he really had the number 120 nights in his head for some reason. What we ended up agreeing upon is every other long weekend (he also really wanted an overnight where he could take our son to school in the morning, but I was hesitant with a midweek one every week because I thought he would be flaky and his work schedule would make it erratic and tough for a 3 year old to adjust to) and one weeknight visit (not overnight). Two weeks in the summer, but not consecutively, and if they are in town, I get to spend one of the evenings with him (a reverse schedule, I guess). But I think it's being written that 120 nights is the target, but the remaining nights outside of the schedule I just said will be decided between us during the year. Which means, I think they won't happen. Or they can happen when I travel out of town for work.

Drug Testing - he created a drug testing schedule that involved weekly urine tests which he said he still agreed to do, but he adamantly refused to include any of that in the decree. He seems to be going for some sort of public perception here (which is why he wanted to get to a certain # of nights so it could be legal "joint" custody instead of "sole" custody). I mentioned my idea of the hair follicle testing instead of the weekly testing. He said he isn't opposed but then went on some rant about what he does in his spare time, outside of his time with charlie, isn't my concern. I said it is my concern if it is illegal. Anyway, the attorney was going to put some language into it that allowed either one of us to request the other one be tested. I don't really know if I'd get much more than that through a court without my husband's blessing... I'll ask my attorney. I don't have a lot of solid proof to show the court, just circumstantial stuff.

So if he agreed to it without putting it into the decree there is no point in that if it's not in the decree...it's not in affect, no??

Make sure the attorney puts who pays for the tests (my decree states we can alcohol or drug test either person but if they fail they have to pay). Also make sure it's put into the decree what happens if he fails the drug test.

Sasha on this forum had a good agreement with her child's father for this.

I am glad it went ok!

yeah it's basically pointless if it's not in the decree, I agree. But at least SOMETHING will be in there.

It's all him managing his ego. He doens't want anything written down because then someone might read it and judge him. When I even brought it up (and it was honestly awkward for me to do) he started going in on me about having a glass of wine at a restaurant then driving home with my son. He knows I don't endanger our son, he just wants to try to even the playing field as much as possible.

Yes, my XAH did the same. When I insisted it be in our decree, he made sure to add he could request me tested as well even though he knows I would NEVER do drugs and rarely drink, especially not with my children around. Being willing to add that is what got my XAH to put it into our decree.

I don't know what time zone you are in, but I sent up a prayer for you. Sounds like it went good!

curious who he thinks is going to READ it? it's not going in the newspaper for pete's sake.

don't give him an inch. seriously. don't try to appease him or his stupid ego.

^^^^

THIS!!! Go as hard as you can and don't give an inch. It's so much easier to have your parenting plan the way you want/need it from the get-go vs. trying to get it changed later.

My divorce filing can be found if someone googles my name because it's public record, but the details aren't in it. It's just plaintiff/defendent/court cost paid/divorce granted this day/etc. - - there are no personal details in it.

Who on earth reads family court decisions, except the people directly involved? I don't think this is about public perception, it's about controlling the narrative. If the alcohol testing isn't in the written document, then there's nothing that contradicts his narrative of "I'm a great dad being persecuted by my controlling ex".

I know we're not supposed to go heavy on advice on this forum - but I suggest pushing on this point (including testing in the parenting order). If the testing is reciprocal (you will agree to test too if he asks) and if costs are assumed by the person who requested the test in the event of a negative test, there is no downside for either of you to agree. If he really isn't drinking when he's with his kid, the tests offer him an objective way to prove it at no cost to himself.