CoffeeBuff

I have been in AA for 26 years with one relapse and now 12 years clean and sober. I know many people from way back. I have PTSD and am getting a contract for the story which caused the PTSD. I was asked to do some editing and in 2 weeks time I did nothing but editing and accomplished a lot. But not enough AA meetings during this time. I usually go to 1 or 2 meetings a day. My mind was back in the PTSD of the events in the story. This is a humanitarian story and writing it has been therapeutic and I am told it will save lives. So I had a meltdown from the PTSD. Anyone can have a bad time no matter how long they have been sober. Geez. At least I'm not putting on an act. I went to a meeting that I usually go to and it was apparently obvious that I was struggling with physical and emotional issues. After getting back on track and attending meetings for a few days this all went away and my spirituality/sound mind was restored.
A regular woman in the meeting was apparently jealous or something and while chairing the meeting she publicly humiliated me . Some people with long term sobriety were appalled. This was not the first time she did this. In addition to that she had spread lies and rumors to all the new people telling them I was not really sober or some such thing. This woman has 2 years sober and is in a live-in relationship with a guy in the meeting who has 15 years. Apparently, they think they are running the meeting. Suffice it to say this woman wouldn't be treating people with such disrespect if she had solid sobriety herself. That guy has done a great disservice by getting involved with her, just because he thought it was OK to snatch her up when she became a year sober. How predatory. I'm sorry but this is painfully obvious. I just kept going to that meeting and minded my own business until it became clear what what was really going on. I hope some longtime AA guys have a word with that guy or something. Someone should.
Any feedback appreciated.

Trinity7777

I don't know what to say, I'm in a bad spot myself. But I wanted you to know I read your post and am here with you in your pain. I can totally see why that hurt you, it doesn't sound right at all. I hope you can find a different meeting to go to. You are doing awesome, and sounds like you had a setback from reliving your trauma. Reliving your trauma in an effort to help others! I'm proud of you. I hope it passes before you know it. But it must be for the best in the grand scheme of things, I do believe every action we and others take is meant to be in its own effed up way.

nez

Actually it sounds more like she publicly humiliated herself. She maybe oblivious to the fact, but others aren't. What she did reflects on her, not you. All in all, it sounds like a powerful lesson to the open minded. Keep your head up and keep on keeping on.

PeacefulWater12

Not all meetings are healthy. I encountered something similar in a meeting I went to so I moved to a more healthier one.

Removed myself from the drama. I want to get well.

In recovery I learnt I don't have to keep rubbing my face on a cheese grater. I can move it.

All the best to you.

Mango212

Hi CoffeeBuff,

From my experience in Al-Anon and open AA/NA meetings, the meetings themselves are only a part of the program. Having a sponsor or temporary sponsor and going through the steps can make all the difference.

This disease of alcoholism skews our thought process and perceptions. This happens with both the alcoholic/addict and friends/family members! There are many times going to a different meeting or coming back to the same meeting with a different attitude creates a stronger foundation for healing.

Good luck! One day at a time.

hopeful4

Wow. I would say whomever leads your meetings needs to take charge of this person. If that's not done, I think I would find a new meeting.

I agree that she likely only humiliated herself. Sending you a big hugs. It's a shame what toxic people can do to a group of people trying to be well!

Keep taking good care of you!

AnvilheadII

couple options - call for a group conscious on this behavior in an open meeting when it occurs. find another meeting.

let's remember, AA isn't Mensa....we are a bunch of broken people with lots of baggage trying to get better. some get better than others!!

try to keep your focus on what it is that SHE is doing or saying that bothers you, not on how she conducts her life or who she chooses to be involved with.

sortofhomecomin

Sorry to hear you had this experience. Unfortunately there are toxic people in AA. The meeting I attend most regularly was originally founded as an offshoot which had been riven by infighting caused by similar behaviour to what you experienced (though it was before my time, I just attend the group because I like the room and MOST of the people).

NYCDoglvr

AA is not exactly a hotbed of mental health. I suggest doing a fourth and fifth step on the woman and turning it over. Or, change meetings if you must. The only thing that matters is your recovery.

CoffeeBuff

The people in that meeting can see the truth of the matter.
The man this particular woman is involved with was chairing the meeting and took it over, not letting anyone talk unless he picked them even tho it's an open meeting. Then a respected longtime AA man called him out by telling a metaphorical story about some strange man that parked his truck on front of the AA man's house and was picking flowers without permission which is basically trespassing and stealing. It was actually incredibly profound. So apparently the old time AA members are calling out this man for 13th stepping this woman and compromising her, jeopardizing her sobriety. That's the real issue.

AnvilheadII

sorry, but i thought you said SHE was the problem?
A regular woman in the meeting was apparently jealous or something and while chairing the meeting she publicly humiliated me

which is different from:
So apparently the old time AA members are calling out this man for 13th stepping this woman and compromising her, jeopardizing her sobriety. That's the real issue.

interesting you say apparently.....so do you know this first hand or only third hand? perhaps it's time to step back from whatever drama is bothering you? self care FIRST?

CoffeeBuff

"This woman has 2 years sober and is in a live-in relationship with a guy in the meeting who has 15 years. Apparently, they think they are running the meeting. Suffice it to say this woman wouldn't be treating people with such disrespect if she had solid sobriety herself. That guy has done a great disservice by getting involved with her, just because he thought it was OK to snatch her up when she became a year sober. How predatory."

August252015

soooo...good comments above and here are my thoughts:

It's not about you.

This is a concept that was crucial for me to get early on- and sometimes still need a refresher in!- because I just can't a) be responsible for others' actions b) worry about them or c) change them.

I had a VERY serious reaction to a meeting last wk led by my former sponsor. OMG my head was exploding and while I think I stuck to my ESH, I was So. Angry. At. .... HER.

I had to do some serious pause, thought, prayer and discussion with my current sponsor and closest sober friends. "Why am I disturbed?" and so on.

No, it sounds like the whole she bang and behavior is "not right." But circling back to the fact that people make their own choices, that length of time in recovery does NOT necessarily equal a solid program and....it's not about me.

I'm possibly not going to return to that meeting for awhile - yet, I have to consider what is best for MY program and that maybe continuing to include that meeting which has been a huge part of my program is in fact what I should do.

Just my $0.02 + from where I am in my program at 1219 days.