First time posting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 35
First time posting
i have an AH. We have been married for 8 yrs, together for 9. We have a 4.5 yo son. I have been going to Al-Anon for a month now. The first year I was with my husband, I thought he just drank a lot. My family doesn’t drink much, and I didn’t know what other people’s limits of drinking were. I thought he was just on the higher end of normal. Until it was noticeably not normal. The first year we were married, the drinking escalated. Blatant drinking, blacking out, peeing on the floor without recollection, bruises and cuts from falls he didn’t remember happening. I thought I could change him, control the drinking. Of course, now I know I can’t. I couldn’t have. My family was visiting me earlier this year (I moved from us to uk), and my sister noted that I was really controlling and bossy. More so than I ever was before. And looking back, I know that I have become really affected by my husband’s drinking and I have tried to control every other aspect of my life because I can’t control his drinking.
We have had a few really bad incidents a few weeks ago, where my husband got so drunk while alone with my son, that he passed out while the stove was on. Fortunately, I got home before anything happened and I was able to turn it off both times. This never happened before. I mean, yes, he passed out, but not in the middle of cooking. And not several times in a row. I was worried about him and about our son. I shared with him my concerns the next day he was sober. He was contrite. For the first time, in all the years we have been together, he finally admitted that he has a drinking Problem. He said he will go to AA, which he did the following week, while I went to my Al-Anon meeting. And for 2 weeks he was dry. Today, I came home and he was drunk again. And it took me a lot of effort not to knock his glass out of his hand. I tried to be more compassionate and understanding, by then he started his self pity party. It had worked on me before. I used to feel so bad for him, that i would try cheering him on his efforts and encourage him to try again. I went out for a walk. I tried to clear my head. But it’s all I could think about all night. How tired and frustrated I am.
To make a long story short (a story I’m sure you have read a thousand times before), I’m trying to just focus on my self now. To recover from the downward spiral I’ve been on the last few years. I’m tired. Mentally and emotionally exhausted more than physical. I try to separate myself from the drunk. To not be affected by the drinking. But how do I do that?I was texting an Al-Anon member, and he said to keep working on detaching. It already feels such a lonely journey, the detachment feels lonelier still. Like I’m insulating myself from him and also the life we have together. How did you do it? What were the early days of your recovery like?
We have had a few really bad incidents a few weeks ago, where my husband got so drunk while alone with my son, that he passed out while the stove was on. Fortunately, I got home before anything happened and I was able to turn it off both times. This never happened before. I mean, yes, he passed out, but not in the middle of cooking. And not several times in a row. I was worried about him and about our son. I shared with him my concerns the next day he was sober. He was contrite. For the first time, in all the years we have been together, he finally admitted that he has a drinking Problem. He said he will go to AA, which he did the following week, while I went to my Al-Anon meeting. And for 2 weeks he was dry. Today, I came home and he was drunk again. And it took me a lot of effort not to knock his glass out of his hand. I tried to be more compassionate and understanding, by then he started his self pity party. It had worked on me before. I used to feel so bad for him, that i would try cheering him on his efforts and encourage him to try again. I went out for a walk. I tried to clear my head. But it’s all I could think about all night. How tired and frustrated I am.
To make a long story short (a story I’m sure you have read a thousand times before), I’m trying to just focus on my self now. To recover from the downward spiral I’ve been on the last few years. I’m tired. Mentally and emotionally exhausted more than physical. I try to separate myself from the drunk. To not be affected by the drinking. But how do I do that?I was texting an Al-Anon member, and he said to keep working on detaching. It already feels such a lonely journey, the detachment feels lonelier still. Like I’m insulating myself from him and also the life we have together. How did you do it? What were the early days of your recovery like?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Asy, welcome to SR. To address your question about how to live with an actively drinking A and not be affected by it--for me, it was simply not possible. I eventually filed for divorce. There was just no way I could put my life, my sanity, my earnings/savings, my property, my future in the hands of someone who didn't value them.
It wasn't a decision I came to quickly or lightly--I came to SR in March of 2013, filed for divorce in November of 2014, changed it to a legal separation and separated in March of 2015, and then once again converted it back to a divorce and finalized that in June of 2015. We were married 19 years, together for 21, if that gives some perspective.
For me, it was the only way. There was NO WAY that I could continue to have my life tied to that of an active A and find any kind of peace, happiness, trust or sense of safety.
Others may have other stories to tell, but that's mine. I wish you clarity to see your path and courage to follow it.
It wasn't a decision I came to quickly or lightly--I came to SR in March of 2013, filed for divorce in November of 2014, changed it to a legal separation and separated in March of 2015, and then once again converted it back to a divorce and finalized that in June of 2015. We were married 19 years, together for 21, if that gives some perspective.
For me, it was the only way. There was NO WAY that I could continue to have my life tied to that of an active A and find any kind of peace, happiness, trust or sense of safety.
Others may have other stories to tell, but that's mine. I wish you clarity to see your path and courage to follow it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
It sounds like whatever you decide, your son cannot be left in his care alone. Living with a parent in active alcoholism is no environment for a small child to grow up in even if you do find a way to tolerate it yourself.
It is a really tough situation--him being sorry doesn't mean he won't keep drinking and put your child at risk again.
It is a really tough situation--him being sorry doesn't mean he won't keep drinking and put your child at risk again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
If you had hired a nanny and came home on one occasion
to find her passed out with the stove on, would she ever be
allowed near your child again?
For all the unkind, insensitive, selfish, mean things my RH did
while actively drinking, he never put our childrens lives at
risk. It seems realistic to consider what you must do to
protect your child first and foremost. Consider your
situation had you not arrived in time- or worse- that the
worst could happen.
Life with an active alcoholic is a continually worsening
situation. You have progressed now to a situation where
your son could have been severely injured or worse.
to find her passed out with the stove on, would she ever be
allowed near your child again?
For all the unkind, insensitive, selfish, mean things my RH did
while actively drinking, he never put our childrens lives at
risk. It seems realistic to consider what you must do to
protect your child first and foremost. Consider your
situation had you not arrived in time- or worse- that the
worst could happen.
Life with an active alcoholic is a continually worsening
situation. You have progressed now to a situation where
your son could have been severely injured or worse.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
Asy, I'm sorry you are dealing with this exhausting disease, but glad you posted. Your AH is giving you few choices here on keeping the right to parent by himself. Has he driven under the influence with your son in the car? The stove incidents (more than one) and the passing out (I've been there) with kid around are huge red flags. How much support do you have nearby? I know you said you are from the U.S. but now in the U.K. When I realized my AH was driving after 6 drinks w/DS in the car, without regard to any safety in the most basic sense, I knew we were done if he could not stop drinking. I had been on him about his usage for years at that point and he'd been able to hide it, but suddenly it just became totally out of control and obvious ("it's not a problem until suddenly one day it's a PROBLEM"). What I did was stop worrying about changing his mind, and I placed boundaries on his time alone with DS. At the time, I was very isolated, ashamed, alone...this is why Al Anon and SR were life saving. I was in shock for many months as he went through various rehabs and relapses, but I got through it, knowing I was not alone...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Asy14 
iLike I’m insulating myself from him and also the life we have together.
Yes, detaching is lonely, no two ways about it. First I think that you will start detaching naturally, but with the help of the tools you are given at Al-Anon and other places you learn to do that a little earlier on.
Instead of waiting to be hurt a 1000 times and detaching a bit each time (kind of instead of death by 1000 cuts it's detaching from 1000 cuts), you learn to do it now, after time 500. Hopefully this skill can save you from more hurt. That is what it is, a short term coping tool. I'm sure some use it for years and years, but I think it would be very difficult.
As others have mentioned and I'm sure you know, since you can no longer leave him with your child, basically you are a single parent.
He is obviously not able/willing to quit right now. What are your boundaries? You may decide that if he does not quit now and show huge strides in getting help (rehab, AA, out patient treatment, therapy) that he will have to leave the house. Or you may decide to stay.
This won't get better until he makes a decision to quit drinking and actually put in the work required to seek ongoing recovery. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.
What do you want to do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 35
Thanks everyone for your posts. We don’t have family here. My family is back in the states and his are in another country. They come to visit us, and right now my MIL is staying with us for a month, giving me comfort that my AH is not with my son by himself. I don’t have a lot of friends where we are right now. We moved from London to the Northwest a couple of years ago and I haven’t built a support network since we moved here. This morning, I asked him about the drinking yesterday, and he said he won’t do it again. To my knowledge, he had only driven once under the influence (to pick me up from work when I was still pregnant). We had such a row, and he never did it again. I’m honestly stressed out about leaving my son alone with him in the future. Of course, now that I bring it up, he says he won’t do it again (while he’s alone with my son). He is such a good dad when he’s sober. Which is the case during the day. He usually binge drinks at night. I want to stay with him, but at the same time, I don’t want to stay if it will continue. And I don’t know when to say, ok, this is enough.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by clarity888
What I did was stop worrying about changing his mind, and I placed boundaries on his time alone with DS. At the time, I was very isolated, ashamed, alone...this is why Al Anon and SR were life saving. I was in shock for many months as he went through various rehabs and relapses, but I got through it, knowing I was not alone...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Asy14
I’m trying to figure out when is he really on recovery and a relapse is just part of that long and painful process vs he is just saying and doing “just enough” for me to stay.
I struggled through the "just enough" for a long time--I wanted so much to believe that he really was trying, he really did want to get sober and stay together. It might be a good idea for you to go over and read a bit in the Newcomers and Alcoholics areas of the forum to see how much work and commitment it takes to get and stay sober. Simply sitting through an AA meeting here and there won't result in recovery any more than sitting in my garage will turn me into a car. There needs to be active engagement and constant hard work on the A's part. I know that now, but at the time, I was so afraid to be on my own that I grasped at any scrap of evidence he gave me that he was working on recovery.
We are 4 years divorced now, still in touch on a regular basis (finally found that I could detach and still care for him once I knew he couldn't endanger my livelihood or future). And he is still drinking--it certainly appeared that it ratcheted up a notch when he moved out and didn't have to try to control it so I wouldn't notice. He very recently retired, and I fully expect things to ratchet up again in the absence of any structure or responsibilities in his life. He is not yet 65. I doubt he'll see 70.
I also want to echo what others have said about your child. YOU have a choice about staying in the relationship. Your child does not. Again, some "assigned reading"--go to the "Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents" section of the forum to educate yourself about the lifelong legacy of growing up in an alcoholic home.
You've admitted yourself that living with an active A has made you bossy and controlling. Does your child deserve at least ONE healthy parent? It certainly looks like, in order for that to happen, it will need to be you...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Living with active alcoholism is the most emotionally, spiritually,
and intellectually tiring way of life. Detachment is key and for me
it was acceptance that I could not control what was happening to
my husband. Let go and let God. Let go.
Then focus on you and your child. Go to alanon, find a meeting
or 2 that help you. Not every meeting will be amazing, but the
progress you will make, although slow, will be real. Get a
sponsor. Isolation and secrecy are enemies now. Find
trustworthy people you can confide in. Get
a support system set up for yourself. This will help you
become yourself again. There is much to learn about
alcoholism on this site and in books. Knowlegde is
very much needed to help you understand what is
happening. It's not easy, but nothing about living with
active alcoholism is.
When I let go, I told my AH - no more apologies for
the same behavior over and over, no more.
and intellectually tiring way of life. Detachment is key and for me
it was acceptance that I could not control what was happening to
my husband. Let go and let God. Let go.
Then focus on you and your child. Go to alanon, find a meeting
or 2 that help you. Not every meeting will be amazing, but the
progress you will make, although slow, will be real. Get a
sponsor. Isolation and secrecy are enemies now. Find
trustworthy people you can confide in. Get
a support system set up for yourself. This will help you
become yourself again. There is much to learn about
alcoholism on this site and in books. Knowlegde is
very much needed to help you understand what is
happening. It's not easy, but nothing about living with
active alcoholism is.
When I let go, I told my AH - no more apologies for
the same behavior over and over, no more.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think one of the biggest things you need to detach from are his WORDS.
Even the next day after a night of binging, you are still very much talking to active alcoholism. I personally believe that there are no sober times for serious talks with a daily/nightly drinker.
Even the next day after a night of binging, you are still very much talking to active alcoholism. I personally believe that there are no sober times for serious talks with a daily/nightly drinker.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Originally Posted by atalose
I think one of the biggest things you need to detach from are his WORDS.
Even the next day after a night of binging, you are still very much talking to active alcoholism. I personally believe that there are no sober times for serious talks with a daily/nightly drinker.
Even the next day after a night of binging, you are still very much talking to active alcoholism. I personally believe that there are no sober times for serious talks with a daily/nightly drinker.
YES!!!!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 35
I want so hard to believe in what he is saying. And when I don’t, I feel guilty. I’m not being a supportive enough wife. Not understanding enough. Am I being too controlling? On and on and on. I know I spend more time thinking about this than he does about us. It’s an awful cycle, and I don’t know how to get off the crazy train.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Asy have you heard of the book called Codependent no more by Melody Beattie? It is often recommended here and you might find it very useful.
This guilt you talk about, that's misplaced guilt. I understand. You stand there and look at this person that you married and he is suffering. He needs help. Basically you are it because he is not reaching out for professional help or AA.
Thing is, you can't help him. Not really. You can commiserate with him, you can cheer him on you can make suggestions for treatment, but he is still drinking.
It's important to now turn your energy and focus to you and your child. That's the hard part because you are not used to doing that. It seems selfish. It's not, it's imperative. While he is busy drinking who is looking out for you two? It's up to you to take care of the both of you (you and your child), no one else is going to. That's not selfish. It's also not easy at first, it takes practice, it's worth it.
You might find these articles helpful:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
As for how you actually do it. Changes may need to be made. You mentioned you moved from London and are now more isolated, is it possible perhaps to move back? Is it possible for you to perhaps move back to the U.S. for a period of time, say a year? Even a visit back to where your friends and family are would be a good idea.
For the practicalities, you will probably need daycare. I don't know what your financial situation is but if you need support there of some kind now might be the time to look in to it with agencies to see what help you might be able to get, while your MIL is there.
This guilt you talk about, that's misplaced guilt. I understand. You stand there and look at this person that you married and he is suffering. He needs help. Basically you are it because he is not reaching out for professional help or AA.
Thing is, you can't help him. Not really. You can commiserate with him, you can cheer him on you can make suggestions for treatment, but he is still drinking.
It's important to now turn your energy and focus to you and your child. That's the hard part because you are not used to doing that. It seems selfish. It's not, it's imperative. While he is busy drinking who is looking out for you two? It's up to you to take care of the both of you (you and your child), no one else is going to. That's not selfish. It's also not easy at first, it takes practice, it's worth it.
You might find these articles helpful:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
As for how you actually do it. Changes may need to be made. You mentioned you moved from London and are now more isolated, is it possible perhaps to move back? Is it possible for you to perhaps move back to the U.S. for a period of time, say a year? Even a visit back to where your friends and family are would be a good idea.
For the practicalities, you will probably need daycare. I don't know what your financial situation is but if you need support there of some kind now might be the time to look in to it with agencies to see what help you might be able to get, while your MIL is there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1
Hi Asy14. I have literally just found this forum & your post has completely resonated with me, I could’ve written it word for word myself! Wow! Although my problem is with my daughter (26) who now has her own daughter (2) and that’s a whole new set of worry, anxiety & panic for me. I’ve been struggling with her alcohol abuse for around 10 years and am finally ready for my own sanity to attend my first Al Anon meeting. I am also in the UK and I wish you all the love and luck in the world.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
Originally Posted by Asy14
I’m a working mom with no support nearby. How did you manage this? Did you separate as he went through rehab, or did you stay and he went on his recovery? I’m trying to figure out when is he really on recovery and a relapse is just part of that long and painful process vs he is just saying and doing “just enough” for me to stay.
I guess my answer to your question is that I don't know if this is all part of a long painful process that he wants to succeed at, OR if he's blowing smoke. Honestly, I don't think he knows, the disease is baffling. We did not separate because I've read on here and elsewhere that huge decisions don't have to be made right away, and I wanted him to try inpatient rehab first too. I'm about to have AH use SoberLink so that when DS needs AH to spend time/parent, I should not be as worried. Since I don't have as much support here as back home. You may want to check out Sober Link as a tool...glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
One of the huge things I did when I learned to detatch was that I stopped covering for my then AH (now XAH). I reached out to those who care about me and said look, I am in a bad place and I need support. I needed those people to spend time with me, help me through the bad place I was in. That involved being truthful about what was happening at home. For the first time, I was putting myself and my needs, along with my children's wellbeing, over that of my XAH. It was the right thing to do. It made him mad of course, but he could not very well deny anything because I was only telling the truth.
In some ways, it was good for him. It made a couple of friends of ours reach out to him. He was honest with them and it gained him some much needed support as well.
Ultimately, detatchment is temporary. At least that is my opinion. You can try and try, but you cannot ignore the elephant in the room. You can work around it for a while, and continue to live, but you cannot thrive that way forever. It's a great start though.
In some ways, it was good for him. It made a couple of friends of ours reach out to him. He was honest with them and it gained him some much needed support as well.
Ultimately, detatchment is temporary. At least that is my opinion. You can try and try, but you cannot ignore the elephant in the room. You can work around it for a while, and continue to live, but you cannot thrive that way forever. It's a great start though.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I want so hard to believe in what he is saying. And when I don’t, I feel guilty. I’m not being a supportive enough wife. Not understanding enough. Am I being too controlling? On and on and on. I know I spend more time thinking about this than he does about us. It’s an awful cycle, and I don’t know how to get off the crazy train.
Wow - my heart goes out to you with all this super anxious and stressful obsessive thinking thinking thinking!
There is NO wife supportive enough to make an alcoholic choose recovery and live recovery.
There is NO wife controlling enough to make an alcoholic choose recovery and live recovery.
There is no amount of time long enough spent thinking about THEIR problems that will make an alcoholic choose recovery and live recovery.
There IS a way to get off the crazy train though. And that's the good news. Nothing changes if nothing changes. He is not going to make the needed changes. Saying "words," and making promises does not equal change. But you are free to change. The past is gone. You are free in THIS moment.
I picture everything related to the As in my life as their side of the street. With a sharp line of demarcation. I can make lists of things on my side of the street - things I can change, things I can control, and that is super liberating and keeps me out of denial.
Denial is your biggest foe and is the foe that will do the most damage to your child. Get in reality!! For example. He can never be trusted alone with your child. So set up a babysitter system and put it in place. He can protest all he wants - his unfitness to be the caretaker of another person is REALITY. Protect the minor child not the adult alcoholic! All done in the spirit of "this the right thing to do" it is not a punishment, or a condemnation, it is living in reality and the A has to deal with that on his own terms. Pretending that this lifestyle is OK for you all is ENABLING his addiction. It is scoring points for Team Alcohol.
Does making the changes needed to be made to keep your sanity and to keep your child safe indicate that you are not in a normal relatonship? Yup. Thats reality. But whether you make the needed changes or keep living in denial you are not in a normal relationship either! Addiction destroys all the normal rules of love and relationships. It uses our best impulses as a friend or lover to feed itself, that's why it is such a formidable foe.
Life gets a whole lot better when I focus on my problems, my goals, my dreams.
Everyone on here knows how hard it is to do that. It does not hapen overnight. Take some baby steps, read Codependent No More, keep up your AlAnon and keep the spotlight shining on REALITY and make decisions according to that - not decisions based on wishful thinking, nostalgic thinking, the words of an A, or an As promises.
Base your decisions 100% on reality and your own child's needs. And from my own childhood I believe children do not need their parents to stay together. Together or apart - children need a sober sane parent teaching them what is acceptable and safe in a relationship. Doesn't mean the child can't love the A parent or that the A parent doesn't love them, there is no demonizing of the A necessary. It just means the sober sane parent puts the right boundaries and guardrails in place to keep the child safe and also not living in denial.
Glad you're here! Keep posting and know that you are not alone.
Peace,
B.
Wow - my heart goes out to you with all this super anxious and stressful obsessive thinking thinking thinking!
There is NO wife supportive enough to make an alcoholic choose recovery and live recovery.
There is NO wife controlling enough to make an alcoholic choose recovery and live recovery.
There is no amount of time long enough spent thinking about THEIR problems that will make an alcoholic choose recovery and live recovery.
There IS a way to get off the crazy train though. And that's the good news. Nothing changes if nothing changes. He is not going to make the needed changes. Saying "words," and making promises does not equal change. But you are free to change. The past is gone. You are free in THIS moment.
I picture everything related to the As in my life as their side of the street. With a sharp line of demarcation. I can make lists of things on my side of the street - things I can change, things I can control, and that is super liberating and keeps me out of denial.
Denial is your biggest foe and is the foe that will do the most damage to your child. Get in reality!! For example. He can never be trusted alone with your child. So set up a babysitter system and put it in place. He can protest all he wants - his unfitness to be the caretaker of another person is REALITY. Protect the minor child not the adult alcoholic! All done in the spirit of "this the right thing to do" it is not a punishment, or a condemnation, it is living in reality and the A has to deal with that on his own terms. Pretending that this lifestyle is OK for you all is ENABLING his addiction. It is scoring points for Team Alcohol.
Does making the changes needed to be made to keep your sanity and to keep your child safe indicate that you are not in a normal relatonship? Yup. Thats reality. But whether you make the needed changes or keep living in denial you are not in a normal relationship either! Addiction destroys all the normal rules of love and relationships. It uses our best impulses as a friend or lover to feed itself, that's why it is such a formidable foe.
Life gets a whole lot better when I focus on my problems, my goals, my dreams.
Everyone on here knows how hard it is to do that. It does not hapen overnight. Take some baby steps, read Codependent No More, keep up your AlAnon and keep the spotlight shining on REALITY and make decisions according to that - not decisions based on wishful thinking, nostalgic thinking, the words of an A, or an As promises.
Base your decisions 100% on reality and your own child's needs. And from my own childhood I believe children do not need their parents to stay together. Together or apart - children need a sober sane parent teaching them what is acceptable and safe in a relationship. Doesn't mean the child can't love the A parent or that the A parent doesn't love them, there is no demonizing of the A necessary. It just means the sober sane parent puts the right boundaries and guardrails in place to keep the child safe and also not living in denial.
Glad you're here! Keep posting and know that you are not alone.
Peace,
B.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Asy…...to me, I think that just the fact that you are exhausted of living in the "cycle", itself, is enough reason to leave. In a couple of years, you would find out if he is serious about recovery , or not.....
I think that Bernadette's post has a lot of wisdom.....
I think that Bernadette's post has a lot of wisdom.....
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
