Overcoming the codependency

Old 06-02-2019, 11:38 AM
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Overcoming the codependency

Hi all, I am reading a lot of threads and looking for good books to read and any ideas on the journey to overcome codependency. I know this is my issue and I hope to one day be one of the success stories. What is it that we get from trying to help people who can't or won't help themselves. Why do I continue to do this when I don't keep busy doing more productive things with my life? I must feel the need to do this for some reason but I can not seem to figure out why. It is like an addiction to help or focus on someone else maybe to avoid focusing on ourselves? I want to break this unhealthy cycle. I am off to the book store to read a book mentioned in a post by Honeypig. Hoping to get the ball rolling.
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Old 06-02-2019, 12:29 PM
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First book I would recommend is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Second one, which I'm reading myself at the minute is called "Healing the child within" by Charles Whitfield, deals with inner child work which is most often at the core of Codependency.
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Old 06-02-2019, 12:42 PM
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Thank you Glenjo. I did read Codependent No More a few years ago and learned a lot from it. I thought I had a grip on my codependency for a while but it is something that can creep up on you again just when you think you are doing ok! I will check out Healing the Child Within and thank you! Need a good book to dive into!
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Old 06-02-2019, 12:48 PM
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Originally Posted by suncatcher View Post
Thank you Glenjo. I did read Codependent No More a few years ago and learned a lot from it. I thought I had a grip on my codependency for a while but it is something that can creep up on you again just when you think you are doing ok! I will check out Healing the Child Within and thank you! Need a good book to dive into!
I can relate. I thought I had a really good grasp on my Codependency, but have discovered lately I'm really only learning still. It's forever there, lurking, hovering around waiting for me to get weak. I've realised I need to go to therapy and do proper inner child work, aswell as address my own overeating and other compulsions to deal with my anxiety and abandoning my true self.

The Charles Whitfield book is phenomenal.

Can also recommend, "John Bradshaw,. Homecoming".
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Old 06-02-2019, 12:58 PM
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Glenjo, I also have the emotional overeating issue! Would love to get that under control also. One thing at a time though right?
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Old 06-02-2019, 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by suncatcher View Post
Glenjo, I also have the emotional overeating issue! Would love to get that under control also. One thing at a time though right?
Absolutely one thing at a time, but these are all so interlinked to codependency, that's what I'm learning from the Charles whitfield book. It's fascinating. Be interested to hear your thoughts after reading it.
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Old 06-02-2019, 01:07 PM
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Glenjo I just ordered it from the book store! It should be here in a few days! Can't wait to read it and I will let you know!
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Old 06-02-2019, 02:09 PM
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I like Darlene lancer's codepency for dummies!
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Old 06-02-2019, 03:57 PM
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So strange how it can just consume you if you let it. It creeps back in when you have no one but yourself to deal with. I have found if I keep myself busy with other things, it stays dormant. But as soon as I don't have anything much going on in my life and nothing else to focus on there it is waiting to swallow me whole. Wanting to help, fix, worry and obsess. I know I have to deal with this. I am grateful for the book suggestions. I love to read. I think with a little self discipline, self care and reading I can get this under control again.
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Old 06-03-2019, 05:46 AM
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Peter Walker’s website is good, he has great info on Complex PTSD (not sure if that’s relevant for you or not), including an interesting take on codependency. If you don’t mind non-conventional and a little kookie , I also really like Shari Schreiber’s website. Pia Melody also has some great books on codependency and love addiction.
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Old 06-03-2019, 08:54 AM
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Thank you pdm22. I will look at both of those websites!
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Old 06-03-2019, 05:46 PM
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Boundaries

With my recovery, I struggled a lot with creating and maintaining healthy boundaries. Even though some of the book "Where to Draw the Line" didn't work for me, it was, overall, helpful. I do recommend this or other boundary topic books.
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Old 06-17-2019, 11:28 AM
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I am in the process of reading codep. for dummies. It is seriously full of great info and exercises. Quite complete as you are forced into action. I am trying to build my self-respect up after allowing myself to accept such mean and brutal behaviour.
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Old 06-17-2019, 11:38 AM
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It is like an addiction to help or focus on someone else maybe to avoid focusing on ourselves?
This is what I discovered about myself. I had 10 years of recovery from alcoholism when I got caught up in a self-destructive codependent relationship so it was easier for me to see what I was doing. Instead of putting the focus on my own issues I shifted it to someone else. Initially I drank to not be present and then I became obsessed about someone else to not feel my real feelings. Alanon was a lifesaver, it taught me life is full of choices and some are self-destructive. In the end, I am responsible for all my experiences, that I get what I settle for.
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Old 06-19-2019, 11:07 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
This is what I discovered about myself. I had 10 years of recovery from alcoholism when I got caught up in a self-destructive codependent relationship so it was easier for me to see what I was doing. Instead of putting the focus on my own issues I shifted it to someone else. Initially I drank to not be present and then I became obsessed about someone else to not feel my real feelings. Alanon was a lifesaver, it taught me life is full of choices and some are self-destructive. In the end, I am responsible for all my experiences, that I get what I settle for.
Thank you for sharing this, NYC Dog Lover, this is my experience too.

My addictions shifted. All gave same result of enabling me not to be present in my own life not to address my dysfunctional issues. To have all my focus on sugar, alcohol, my partner etc depending which addiction was active at the time.

I can see my codie addiction is just as harmful to me as drinking alcohol/compulsively overeating. They all ruin my life and badly affect those around me.

It's funny with the codie addictive behaviour as it kind of hides within the label of me being "kind and helpful" to others. My denial is that I am a good, caring person. This is not reality as I am using my "helping" in a toxic way. A totally self centred way.
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Old 06-20-2019, 03:41 PM
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The lancer book helped me realize I was very very codependent. But this week I saw something positive in myself. A good friend is making a decision that I don't think she should... And I suddenly realized that was her decision to make and I will respect whatever she decides. I didn't want to interfere or suggest. So surprised at myself. And I also realized I am the only one who can make my decisions...no matter how many people who give their opinion.
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