horrible regret over things I said
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horrible regret over things I said
So, my AH and I had a blowout fight on Saturday. He has been to intensive outpatient rehab last summer/detox, went back into drinking for several weekends and hid it well until I found it again in the fall, stopped (supposedly) while going just to AA (and then clearly didn't, would drink on the way there), inpatient rehab in the spring for 30 days, then exploded at me for not "supporting" him well in rehab, then to sober living for two months up until Saturday, and Sat. came by the house not clearly wasted but had been drinking again.
Here are the things I said that I regret: that I threatened to notify his SL head of household, and he ended up telling them himself and getting kicked out. I guess I am glad he took responsibility for it. That I said "I wish we'd never gotten married or had DS"--possibly the worst of what I said. I feel shame and sadness for saying that; right after I said it, I told him I meant that I never would have wanted this pain for a child. Of course, I am grateful for DS, and happy I had him too, beyond words. I feel like the epitome of evil that I said that. Then another really ugly thing. I allowed myself to be so wrecked by his actions that I said I'd rather die than go through this all again, almost to the day one year from when he first admitted how badly he was addicted to alcohol. The anniversary of this whole mess (which of course started years before, really, but DENIAL on both our parts)... I said these things as I throw my keys AT the floor, and my phone at the floor, more than once with the phone.
He shared these things with his parents because it scared him. At first all I could think was that I had the right to think and feel these things. Now all I feel is horrible regret. I know I f-ed up. His mother, who is helping get DS to camp so I can get to work on time, told me by text (I initiated the conversation), that she was more disappointed in my rage than the fact he drank again. She said she won't be talking about AH with me anymore since it is hard for me, I get that, but I felt like her opinion of me has been lowered, and we used to be close. I texted her back and told her she has no idea what it's like in my shoes. At least she said she "would like to remain friends through this mess", and will only communicate about DS.
Also on Sat., AH said the SL was not helping him, that he only sleeps there, and he chooses to come to the house to help with DS and cook at times, but that I need a lot of help too (I do work, there are too many pets, etc.). He said he'd been considering just getting an apartment nearby. I told him I might move back to where my family lives, an hour or two away, and he told me "you can't do that". I told him to "get out", screamed it at him.
I know I need to apologize for everything I did. I'll own it. I know I can't let anger do that to me ever again. Thanks for being a safe place to get this out, and please don't hold back, it's what I need. I went to Al Anon last night, and will go again tonight if I can.
Here are the things I said that I regret: that I threatened to notify his SL head of household, and he ended up telling them himself and getting kicked out. I guess I am glad he took responsibility for it. That I said "I wish we'd never gotten married or had DS"--possibly the worst of what I said. I feel shame and sadness for saying that; right after I said it, I told him I meant that I never would have wanted this pain for a child. Of course, I am grateful for DS, and happy I had him too, beyond words. I feel like the epitome of evil that I said that. Then another really ugly thing. I allowed myself to be so wrecked by his actions that I said I'd rather die than go through this all again, almost to the day one year from when he first admitted how badly he was addicted to alcohol. The anniversary of this whole mess (which of course started years before, really, but DENIAL on both our parts)... I said these things as I throw my keys AT the floor, and my phone at the floor, more than once with the phone.
He shared these things with his parents because it scared him. At first all I could think was that I had the right to think and feel these things. Now all I feel is horrible regret. I know I f-ed up. His mother, who is helping get DS to camp so I can get to work on time, told me by text (I initiated the conversation), that she was more disappointed in my rage than the fact he drank again. She said she won't be talking about AH with me anymore since it is hard for me, I get that, but I felt like her opinion of me has been lowered, and we used to be close. I texted her back and told her she has no idea what it's like in my shoes. At least she said she "would like to remain friends through this mess", and will only communicate about DS.
Also on Sat., AH said the SL was not helping him, that he only sleeps there, and he chooses to come to the house to help with DS and cook at times, but that I need a lot of help too (I do work, there are too many pets, etc.). He said he'd been considering just getting an apartment nearby. I told him I might move back to where my family lives, an hour or two away, and he told me "you can't do that". I told him to "get out", screamed it at him.
I know I need to apologize for everything I did. I'll own it. I know I can't let anger do that to me ever again. Thanks for being a safe place to get this out, and please don't hold back, it's what I need. I went to Al Anon last night, and will go again tonight if I can.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Clarity, I'm sorry that everyone around you is more concerned with taking care of the alcoholic's feelings than yours, and that it all became too much for you over the weekend.
We have all been there, we have all done and said things we wish we could take back. Now's the time to be extra nice and forgiving to yourself, and to start adjusting your expectations of him and his mother. They will not prioritize what you need--only you can do that.
You don't need to prove yourself to anyone.
We have all been there, we have all done and said things we wish we could take back. Now's the time to be extra nice and forgiving to yourself, and to start adjusting your expectations of him and his mother. They will not prioritize what you need--only you can do that.
You don't need to prove yourself to anyone.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Hi clarity, I'm sorry you had such a rough weekend.
The judge has spoken.
I understand that you two are close and that you probably really appreciate her support, however, and this may take time to develop, this may be a blessing in disguise. Perhaps his Mother is not the best person for you to be confiding in, her perspective is obviously biased toward her Son (this is pretty normal). At the very least, you now know how she thinks about all this. From that perspective, you have actually been given a gift of clarity in your relationship with her.
As for what you said about DS - don't beat yourself up. No one, thinks for one minute that you wish he wasn't born, not at all. I get that you wish he wasn't in this mess of a situation. You were angry, you lashed out, forgive yourself for that.
Personally I don't know that you owe anyone an apology? Is blobbing out all our pent up anger on someone ideal? Nope. Do we all do it sometimes (hopefully rarely), probably.
Do you actually regret anything you said or just the manner you said it in?
that she was more disappointed in my rage than the fact he drank again
I understand that you two are close and that you probably really appreciate her support, however, and this may take time to develop, this may be a blessing in disguise. Perhaps his Mother is not the best person for you to be confiding in, her perspective is obviously biased toward her Son (this is pretty normal). At the very least, you now know how she thinks about all this. From that perspective, you have actually been given a gift of clarity in your relationship with her.
As for what you said about DS - don't beat yourself up. No one, thinks for one minute that you wish he wasn't born, not at all. I get that you wish he wasn't in this mess of a situation. You were angry, you lashed out, forgive yourself for that.
Personally I don't know that you owe anyone an apology? Is blobbing out all our pent up anger on someone ideal? Nope. Do we all do it sometimes (hopefully rarely), probably.
Do you actually regret anything you said or just the manner you said it in?
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Big hugs for you clarity.
I've had to own some of the very nasty things I said to my AXH when we were separating. We were both so ugly, it was pretty disgusting on both our parts. Hurt people, hurt people, it's just what happens sometimes when people are in so much pain they let the anger roar over it all. It's a defense mechanism and it has happened to everybody at some point in time. Be gentle with yourself.
It says a lot about your integrity that you are owning your part in the problem. Really it is the only part you CAN own... but you are NOT alone in this problem, he is a huge part of the issue and he is not owning even a small part as far as I can see, so please don't take on more than your fair share. Of course it's up to you if you want to apologize. I might be tempted to apologize for the WAY I said it, but that the sentiment still held true...." Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean"... so much easier said then done in the heat of the moment, I know. I'm guilty too.
I agree with Trailmix, your mother in law has shown you where her loyalties lie. I'm sure being loyal to her son is part of that, but the denial of the depth of his addiction is her protecting herself from facing the pain and the real problem as well. But that's her problem to figure out, not yours. Tread carefully with her and be careful what you share, especially when you are angry. Scream , cry and vent all you need to your people or to us, but his family should probably be off limits for that stuff.
This is tough stuff you are working through right now, I remember how hard it was. It was just awful, and as hard as everyone else was on me, I was probably the hardest on myself. Don't be like me. Be kind to yourself, you catch enough crap from him and apparently his mom too, don't add to that negativity.
Hang in there...
edit: We all know you love your child... I completely understand what you meant when you said what you said... no one wants to know their kid is being hurt in any way, ever, and you only meant you would have wanted to spare him that... we get it. *hugs*
I've had to own some of the very nasty things I said to my AXH when we were separating. We were both so ugly, it was pretty disgusting on both our parts. Hurt people, hurt people, it's just what happens sometimes when people are in so much pain they let the anger roar over it all. It's a defense mechanism and it has happened to everybody at some point in time. Be gentle with yourself.
It says a lot about your integrity that you are owning your part in the problem. Really it is the only part you CAN own... but you are NOT alone in this problem, he is a huge part of the issue and he is not owning even a small part as far as I can see, so please don't take on more than your fair share. Of course it's up to you if you want to apologize. I might be tempted to apologize for the WAY I said it, but that the sentiment still held true...." Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean"... so much easier said then done in the heat of the moment, I know. I'm guilty too.
I agree with Trailmix, your mother in law has shown you where her loyalties lie. I'm sure being loyal to her son is part of that, but the denial of the depth of his addiction is her protecting herself from facing the pain and the real problem as well. But that's her problem to figure out, not yours. Tread carefully with her and be careful what you share, especially when you are angry. Scream , cry and vent all you need to your people or to us, but his family should probably be off limits for that stuff.
This is tough stuff you are working through right now, I remember how hard it was. It was just awful, and as hard as everyone else was on me, I was probably the hardest on myself. Don't be like me. Be kind to yourself, you catch enough crap from him and apparently his mom too, don't add to that negativity.
Hang in there...
edit: We all know you love your child... I completely understand what you meant when you said what you said... no one wants to know their kid is being hurt in any way, ever, and you only meant you would have wanted to spare him that... we get it. *hugs*
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Oh goodness. I can only send you big hugs. I think most of us have been there, said things we regret in the heat of the moment. You have lots of pent up anger, very understandable. Now it's learning how to channel that in healthier ways.
As far as his mom, I know you hate it, but in all honesty, only speaking to her about your son is likely to be a very good thing.
Of course you love your son. Of course you never wanted this situation.
Huge, huge hugs.
As far as his mom, I know you hate it, but in all honesty, only speaking to her about your son is likely to be a very good thing.
Of course you love your son. Of course you never wanted this situation.
Huge, huge hugs.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
Thanks for all the hugs and understanding. I felt/feel so much shame that I almost didn't share the experience on here, but it was killing me. You all are right, it was pretty much the way I said things, not so much what I said, that was the problem. Unfortunately, the feelings I expressed were true, but delivering them with that much anger is something few people have seen me do, and it *was* scary. Thank you so much for helping me not beat myself up quite as badly. LOL Trailmix, at "the judge"...exactly what I said to myself (with it being her son, not a huge surprise). Sparkle, I am trying to move on today after reading these responses and literature, and practice forgiveness for myself. Thank you SBMighty for sharing your experience and advice, it really helps, and you too Hopeful, for knowing I really did not mean that about DS. I've been at a real low after all that so the support here has thrown a real life-line so I can pull myself back up.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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I kissed his ass and worshipped him he was treated like a king with me. He had a god-complex people say alcoholism is a disease which is true. Being an empath I attract narcs. This one was a drunk, narc, liar, user, sexy, good in bed not so nice person. My mom calls good looking men scenery as that's all they are. My father was very handsome and my mom said (weird) they had a great sex life that's why she stayed. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree. When he left me with no goodbye, no closure, i nearly jumped out the window with anger I never knew even existed. I was getting my closure by any means necessary and let me tell you I got no closure but panic attacks, verbal abuse, health issues that lasted till dec. and when I did get him on the phone or catch him in person and say horrible things he said even meaner stuff. Next time lesson learned: never chase a man he wants out let him go. But, yes i went off. It only made me lose 10 lbs, not eat, cry, and wasn't worth it everybody was right take care of you. Your feelings were hurt when things calm down im sure a civilized talk can help.
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Join Date: May 2018
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Clarity,
You have been through a lot and you have been keeping a lot together—for a long time. Yes, you are going to be angry and those feelings are valid. You have been holding so much in and being strong for you and your son. So...who takes care of Clarity?
Your MIL will always side with her son; you know how much you love DS and she’s the same way with her son. Let her be disappointed; that and five bucks will get you a coffee at Starbucks. Also consider that as long as you are taking the brunt of the dysfunction with her A son, she is not
I know she helps you with your son, maybe it’s time to work on making other plans. You mentioned moving to your home and maybe that’s the best idea. You will have more support there.
Finally, no one believes that you don’t want your son. Don’t give that one another thought. You love that boy and that is obvious.
Hope that today is a better day for you.
You have been through a lot and you have been keeping a lot together—for a long time. Yes, you are going to be angry and those feelings are valid. You have been holding so much in and being strong for you and your son. So...who takes care of Clarity?
Your MIL will always side with her son; you know how much you love DS and she’s the same way with her son. Let her be disappointed; that and five bucks will get you a coffee at Starbucks. Also consider that as long as you are taking the brunt of the dysfunction with her A son, she is not
I know she helps you with your son, maybe it’s time to work on making other plans. You mentioned moving to your home and maybe that’s the best idea. You will have more support there. Finally, no one believes that you don’t want your son. Don’t give that one another thought. You love that boy and that is obvious.
Hope that today is a better day for you.
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Clarity.....if your husband lands on his parent's doorstep....they will get a much better idea of the reality that you have been dealing with. Having an active alcoholic under your own roof is like having a seat on the 40 yard line, in football.
I do think it is good that your MIL is willing to communicate with you about your son...and, to be active with him. I think that relationships with grandparents are such a valuable gift for a child....if they are loving and nurturing....One wouldn't want to deny that to a child...
Probably for the best if you don't try to keep her as a support person, for you, in your relationship with her son....I suggest just leaving her relationship with her son just between them. The truth always bubbles to the surface, in time....she will discover, on her own, that there is more to the story than just you.....She may never say it to you, directly...but, at least there will be peace....and, it will help with her relationship with the grandson....which benefits your son, in the end....
I do think it is good that your MIL is willing to communicate with you about your son...and, to be active with him. I think that relationships with grandparents are such a valuable gift for a child....if they are loving and nurturing....One wouldn't want to deny that to a child...
Probably for the best if you don't try to keep her as a support person, for you, in your relationship with her son....I suggest just leaving her relationship with her son just between them. The truth always bubbles to the surface, in time....she will discover, on her own, that there is more to the story than just you.....She may never say it to you, directly...but, at least there will be peace....and, it will help with her relationship with the grandson....which benefits your son, in the end....
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Clarity, I understand you feeling bad over the way you handled yourself in that situation, but you;re only human. And the other thing is, maybe, just maybe he NEEDED to see your anger. To understand just how upset you've been by his behavior. Sometimes the mistakes we think we've made become exactly the things that were needed at a given time to drive home a point, or for someone to really understand how we feel. Forgive yourself and move on.
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Oh one other thing, if this helps lol
I actually did the same thing about 4 weeks ago. I rarely yell, it's kind of out of character but it was a final straw thing and I had been holding back (for a myriad of reasons - I'm also not generally someone who is not willing to discuss stuff).
Something was said to me and that was it. I marched back in to the room (I was leaving) and screamed at the top of my voice all that I had to say about that particular subject. blah blah blah
I don't feel bad about it at all.
I think there is a situational thing where we might yell, it's not like you are raging all over the world all the time, at the drop of a hat. That's something a person would want to look at. You just reached the end of that particular rope and you have no doubt been holding back (yes, there are better ways to deal with that, you and I both know - but sometimes when we are being treated unfairly things just can't be discussed and the frustration comes out like that).
I actually did the same thing about 4 weeks ago. I rarely yell, it's kind of out of character but it was a final straw thing and I had been holding back (for a myriad of reasons - I'm also not generally someone who is not willing to discuss stuff).
Something was said to me and that was it. I marched back in to the room (I was leaving) and screamed at the top of my voice all that I had to say about that particular subject. blah blah blah
I don't feel bad about it at all.
I think there is a situational thing where we might yell, it's not like you are raging all over the world all the time, at the drop of a hat. That's something a person would want to look at. You just reached the end of that particular rope and you have no doubt been holding back (yes, there are better ways to deal with that, you and I both know - but sometimes when we are being treated unfairly things just can't be discussed and the frustration comes out like that).
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I sure do appreciate the reminders to not beat myself up about this, and that we all reach the end of our ropes. I'm not glad this happened to you Trailmix, but I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one doing it, LOL. You're right, things just come out in the heat of the moment. BlownOne, I agree at times the other person needs to see one's anger and frustration. Leelee, you ask the question so many of us need to work on--who takes care of me? And not the superficial, daily task type of stuff (which certainly has importance and its rightful place), but the deeper needs and dreams of what life can be...
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