Milano58

So, I've jumped off the crazy train. I've been able to half my time with Q at our kids handovers. I've notified the schools that he's actively drinking again. They could tell by my oldest playing up.

So my question is how to I do NC when he has to drop the kids at my apartment twice a week. We used to meet at the store but it's quicker to do handovers at mine... Lot less time getting kids out of car seats etc.

I'm going NC as he tried to get back with me...Totally earnest but when I said no to his drinking (I thought he was sober all this time). He went back to an old hse mate who let's him drink. I'm over it. I've just shut down and realised that over the last year I've probably been enabling him by being friendly (I hoped we'd get back together cos he was sober and at AA etc).

My concern is that my eldest is picking up that there's something going on between his mum & dad.. Or just that I'm heartbroken and his dad is oblivious. He's only 5 so he doesn't understand. But he knows I'm sad... I try to hide it but the last few weeks have been god awful. I never speak badly about his dad but I can't pretend I'm not hurt by what my Q just did.. I can't look the man in the face. I still close the door and burst into tears.

I won't enable Q by pretending his actions haven't hurt me but I don't want my son getting upset by all of this. The last month has been an emotional roller-coaster.

Thanks as always. I should ask as well.. How the holy fudge do you co-parent with an active alcoholic? He's stopped texting me altogether (so his insecure bed warmer doesn't feel put out...I'd be laughing if I could).

Mango212

Hi Milano,

From a previous thread:

It's a lot about 'how to protect kids' from a person with a devastating disease that affects everyone around them.

I'm glad you're here.

How does the shared care that's going on any better than if you were divorced? Simply food for thought.

Mango212

Oops. It seems you are divorced now?

Perhaps exploring the child protective support systems will help in giving resources and ideas for you and your children.

It seems like you've been doing many good, proactive things. One foot in front of the other.

clarity888

Milano, that's what I'm trying to figure out (the title of your post). I've seen others on here who keep it to matter-of-fact texts using Sober Link.

Milano58

He has access a couple times a week including overnights. He's court ordered not to drink around kids. That's the only way I've been able to control his drinking. He was removed from our home by the police. They even issued a safety order on the spot due to his mental state. This country is completely backwards when it comes to child safety and active alcoholics. I wasn't going to leave him.. But the police stepped in. It was then that I decided to actually get a separation. Least now the kids aren't exposed to him when drunk.

Still not an ideal situation.

trailmix

This is just a suggestion but if you can't keep from bursting in to tears when he drops them at your place, how about going back to picking them up at the store, if you find that to be less emotional or if it forces you to hold it together. Even for a few months, just tell him it's not working for you and you'd like to go back to the previous plan, no other explanation required.

Them seeing you upset is very upsetting for them I'm sure and also for you so for now, do what you have to do to make it easier on yourself.

Also when the hand over is going on, try to focus on how happy you are to see your kids (I know you are) and less on him being there, if at all possible. No need to talk, no need to say anything - "say bye to Daddy" - none of that, just ok, let's get in the car and get you home!

Anyway, just some thoughts to hopefully make it easier on you.

Milano58

Ye.. Actually I usually come on here before a hand over. Gives me strength. When he drops them off kids just charge in and I try to just close the door. If he wants to engage in conversation about kids (could have done it by txt/email - he's trying to force 'but we're all good' illusion). I keep it short and close the door. When he picks them up it's easier cos I just let the kids out the door, say goodbye to them and close door. We don't have anything like soberlink.

Gm0824

Hi Milano, the sadness I can relate to so much, and all things considered, try not to be to hard on yourself as I would consider it normal during these early stages.

A term I learned early on was: parallel parenting, since there really is no such thing as co-parenting as a cohesive team with an active addict. Helped me take some of the weight off my shoulders that I wasn't doing "my part" because co-parenting just wasn't a realistic expectation in my situation.

I don't know if you have the support from family and friends but I would strongly suggest enlisting their help to do child exchanges and eliminate yourself from direct contact.

As you noted, keeping any communication strictly to email or text and only about the children. There is a website that was court ordered in my case called Our Family Wizard that all communication is designed to go through which could be admissible in court if needed. It is an annual subscription though.

Proud of you for looking after your littles, I think you are doing a great job.

You might just find the more you are able to take yourself out of the equation, the less effort he puts forward. The space will allow you time you desperately need to heal.

I strongly believe my qualifier fed off of getting any reaction our of me. Once I removed myself from direct contact with him, my life improved in leaps and bounds.

LovePeaceSushi

I am as NC with my ex husband as I can be. He's an alcoholic now, but it's his narcissism that made me go that route. We do the drop off/pick up at a gas station down the road. That way there are security cameras and witnesses. NO phone calls. All correspondence has to be done via text or email. Strictly business. I don't even feel compelled to say "Thanks" or anything before signing my name. It's the only way of "coparenting" that I can do. Another benefit of only communicating via written communication is that everything is documented.

woodlandlost

@Milano58: Thanks for starting this thread. I am in a similar situation. Trying to go low contact for my own sanity. Her specialty has recently been the silent treatment, which hurts in its own right. Blessings to you and your kids.

hopeful4

Low, low contact is the only way to save your own sanity. I learned the hard way not to get sucked in.

Milano58

Ye unfortunately I'm coming across as giving the silent treatment but first it was because I kept crying.. Then I just so numb I just had nothing left in the tank. I just try to give as much information as possible by text so no conversation is required. Been avoiding him at school so kids don't see any of it... This isn't active behaviour on my part.. Its a response. Anyways.. He was waiting for me.. Texting and calling to see when I'd get there. I've been arriving after he's dropped kids off so I wouldn't have to engage. Why is he waiting.. There was nothing I needed to know. I could tell immediately that our daughter was still sick.

I really don't think he has the capacity to understand what he's just put me through. In his eyes he's been the victim since the night I called the cops.