clarity888

I read and rely a lot on these forums and am grateful for having this place. Today I am in desperate need of some feedback. My DS has had therapy and evals, and I found out this past week he has ADHD (the inattentive type, not quite as much hyperactivity). He has some rage/anger that came out yesterday and today, and it was awful--he had been doing well, so I find it strange it happened the week we finally got the evaluation's findings, but okay.

Today my nephew on my AH's side is having a graduation dinner at a restaurant. My AH has been living in SL x 2 months, sees DS each day (almost), we don't live that far. Today, I smelled alcohol on AH and told him he can either be honest, or I can call his SL...he chose to be honest.

I can't handle all of this stress, I threw my phone and sunglasses down when I realized he is back to drinking, only the sunglasses broke. Do I tell his SL place? I feel I should. I wanted to be at this nephew's dinner--but I don't know if I can fake it, or if I should. This nephew was in our wedding when he was a little boy. Can anyone please help guide me...his parents will be there....they know the deal and isn't it best to just stay away from the dinner at this point?

PuzzledHeart

What do YOU gain by being at the dinner? It's hard for me to figure out based on your post whether or not you actually want to be there, or if you want to attend merely because of the sense of obligation.

In regards to SL, the next time around I wouldn't bother giving your AH a choice of whether or not you call SL. Just do it. This time around, you said you wouldn't call if he was honest, so it seems a little odd to go back on your word, mainly because he may just end up using it as ammo for some argument (Others may disagree on this stance - would love to hear some counterpoints). Unfortunately, I suspect he'll give you plenty of other chances to tell SL what he did.

The MUCH BIGGER question: Do you want to spend the rest of your life being the alcohol monitor? How much do you want his drinking to continue to impact you and your DS? I

clarity888

What I gain from being at the dinner is the sense that my emotional reaction to what he did today did NOT have any effect on the nephew's celebration. For years AH's brother/brother's wife and this nephew have been close to us. They are family. I am going to pull it together and go; DS is close with the nephew too. I just re-read your question; yes, I do want to be there for the nephew--does not mean I am there for AH.

You are right that there won't be a next time of "maybe" telling SL. I am debating whether to go back on my word or let it slide since I made this silly "deal" with him to get honesty. I told him I am done and the divorce is imminent. I am so drained and sad and angry that I can't even type or think straight, but thank you for helping me see things more clearly...

dandylion

clarity.....my first reaction is that the graduation is about the nephew....not your AH alcoholism. Especially so, since nephew and his parents are close to your family.

I think it is fortunate that you have gotten a definite diagnosis for your son.....I know that lots of kids are not diagnosed...especially if they don't have a big hyperactivity component. for this reason....many, many girl children are not ever diagnosed. For the children who are not diagnosed...this is a burden that they may carry into their adult lives...and, never know it....
Many times, adults are diagnosed only after their children have been...and, they recognize it in themselves....
Having lived in a house with an adult person with adult ADHD (untreated)….I can testify to the fact that it is absolutely essential to get to know the disorder....because, understanding makes all the difference in the world!!
Outbursts of anger are common...due to the inner frustration that the person often feels....There are sooo many techniques...simple ones ….that are effective in dealing with this...or preventing it altogether....

I wonder if there are any other relatives in the family...adult, or otherwise who might have the disorder and never have known it....
It is estimated that ADHD is one of the co-occurring conditions, with alcoholism, that often goes unrecognized.....
Co-occurring conditions/disorders need to be treated, along with alcoholism treatment.....

Clarity...there is a website that I am giving you the following link to....it also has forums similar to this for families of persons of ADHD....as well as very good educational materials....

https://chadd.org/

to my way of looking at it...I don't think you need to tell SL about your husbands drinking....it will show itself soon enough, anyway.
You didn't even need to demand his honesty...as you already knew that he was drinking. All you needed to do was to inform him that you knew he was drinking. If he denied it...it doesn't matter....you know what you know! (and he would know that you know, also)…
In a nutshell ...both of you knew that he was drinking.

clarity888

I told AH I am bringing DS to the dinner. He has told the SL he drank and now is probably ending up at his parents temporarily. While here, he mentioned he wants to get his own place anway, hates SL. A month back, he said his own place would be his demise. I told him if I could go NC, I would, and that I'm considering moving 1.5 hours back home. But that would be tough. My father is going to pass any day now, DS already dealing with a lot. Really don't want to deal with AH any for quite awhile, though.

AnvilheadII

so is ratting him out to the SL place part of your agreement? would they be expecting and accept the call and information? without proof? what do you hope to gain by that? get him kicked out.....to go to..........where?

we should always check our own motives FIRST. he drank, he admitted it. can't be fixed or changed. calling his SL will not prevent future drinking. he's an alcoholic, drinking is what they do.

your attendance to your nephew's graduation should be because you want to be part of HIS special day.....not worried about who else will be there. we can't control people, places or things....only our interaction with or reaction to them.

i know none of this easy....i don't mean to make it sound like you aren't doing the very best you can under difficult circumstances.

clarity888

Thanks Dandylion--that CHADD website is helpful I hear, I just joined last night. You are so right about ADHD, and educating oneself--which I'm in the process of doing. Thanks for pointing out that the child may precede the parent's dx...I honestly think I may have it, so will get that checked out. I have felt so bad for DS and I knew that he felt something was "wrong" with him, I saw it was affecting his self esteem, and now we know how to approach this since we know what "it" is. I've been scared by it the last few days, but medication and CBT/behavioral therapy and neurofeedback are all offered at one clinic, so I hope to get him in there. I read where one doctor explains it like this, to kids: your brain is like a Ferrari, and has smaller brakes more suited for a bicycle, so we're going to work on getting you brakes that can keep up with your awesome, fast, Ferrari brain"...LOL. Going to make this positive, it's my job, screw all the other BS with AH. Thanks Dandy.

dandylion

clarity....wow...you have got a lot on your plate, right now! I am sorry about your father.
Please take it easy on yourself....as much as you can....

Sasha1972

It seems like you've thought this out really clearly - you understand your own motives for attending the dinner, you've separated out the drama and nonsense with the alcoholic from your desire to celebrate the nephew's accomplishment, and you've realized that bargaining with an alcoholic (either you tell me or I'll tell your sober-living facility ...) is pointless, and you're going to learn from this experience.

I think you've accomplished a lot and you should be proud of yourself for using this mess as an opportunity for self-understanding and self-scrutiny.

clarity888

Thank you Sasha...I probably earned some bad karma for my blowup prior to the dinner (LOL), but realized I still had the chance to do right by the nephew...thank God I went, that would have been one huge regret.

Hopeworks