How Can I Get Closure?
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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How Can I Get Closure?
I haven't posted in a while, mostly due to the fact that my daughter and I are absolutely thriving without AXBF in our lives. The stress of being a single parent to a smart, beautiful two-year-old is nothing compared to the stress of a parent-child relationship with a narcissistic alcoholic.
And yet...
I still find myself thinking about him fairly regularly, not in a pining I-want-him-back sort of way, more like I'm still grieving the loss of the person I wanted him to be and the family I wanted to build together. I'll have flashes of memories, both good and bad. Sometimes they feel so raw and painful even still.
My daughter is like a walking, talking reminder of him every day, so I realize it's impossible to completely eradicate the memory of the man with whom I created her, but I wish it didn't still sting. It has been two effing years!
So I think I know what the problem is: I've never been able to get closure. After I got the restraining order against him, which is still in effect, he never took advantage of his supervised visitation. He just up and moved hundreds of miles away with his new girlfriend and never paid/pays child support. He is the worst of the worst deadbeat dads, but I've never been able to say anything to him about how I feel.
I know it won't change him. That's not the point. I want to say it for me--to tell him our daughter is the most amazing person I've ever met, to let him know how much his actions hurt me, and to say goodbye.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How can I get closure?
And yet...
I still find myself thinking about him fairly regularly, not in a pining I-want-him-back sort of way, more like I'm still grieving the loss of the person I wanted him to be and the family I wanted to build together. I'll have flashes of memories, both good and bad. Sometimes they feel so raw and painful even still.
My daughter is like a walking, talking reminder of him every day, so I realize it's impossible to completely eradicate the memory of the man with whom I created her, but I wish it didn't still sting. It has been two effing years!
So I think I know what the problem is: I've never been able to get closure. After I got the restraining order against him, which is still in effect, he never took advantage of his supervised visitation. He just up and moved hundreds of miles away with his new girlfriend and never paid/pays child support. He is the worst of the worst deadbeat dads, but I've never been able to say anything to him about how I feel.
I know it won't change him. That's not the point. I want to say it for me--to tell him our daughter is the most amazing person I've ever met, to let him know how much his actions hurt me, and to say goodbye.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How can I get closure?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Hi SH, I used to want closure too, but a counsellor pointed out to me that it may never happen, and it would be best to get used to the idea. And he was right, I never really got it but as time goes by I needed it less and less.
I suggest you write him a letter. You can't send it because of the order, but it will relieve your feelings. And chase him for the child support if you want to remind him he has a daughter.
I suggest you write him a letter. You can't send it because of the order, but it will relieve your feelings. And chase him for the child support if you want to remind him he has a daughter.
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SaveHer…...I think that most of the time, "closure" comes when we finally accept that what has happened, has happened....and that history does not reverse itself.....
The grieving process takes time....how much time?...as long as it takes....
How long did you think it would take? Like...how much time did you assign to it?
Do you imagine that with a well crafted statement/letter, etc....that he will feel guilty and sorry for all that he has done...? That he will get his just deserts?
And, that you will feel better--"closure"? that peace will come over your soul and you will not have any more of the memories of him....?
The grieving process takes time....how much time?...as long as it takes....
How long did you think it would take? Like...how much time did you assign to it?
Do you imagine that with a well crafted statement/letter, etc....that he will feel guilty and sorry for all that he has done...? That he will get his just deserts?
And, that you will feel better--"closure"? that peace will come over your soul and you will not have any more of the memories of him....?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
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Acceptance and moving. As I embrace change, good things happening and have a growing healthy support network, this becomes easier. Mine currently includes Al-Anon, open AA and NA meetings, DV and community help centers, etc.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
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I think the most effective way of letting someone go is writing a letter -- one you'll never send. Let it rip, let it all out. Then tear it up and burn in a candle with a small prayer. Works every time! The worst thing you can do call or send the letter ... it stirs stuff up and adds to the misery.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
I think the most effective way of letting someone go is writing a letter -- one you'll never send. Let it rip, let it all out. Then tear it up and burn in a candle with a small prayer. Works every time! The worst thing you can do call or send the letter ... it stirs stuff up and adds to the misery.
The only thing that brought me closure was time. It actually took about three years before I was okay. Still depressed. Still crappy at self care. But I was okay. I'm not sure if telling you the time it took me is helpful but this is how it worked for me.
With the years I came to a greater understanding of myself and my EX. I could see that disappearing and never contacting me in spite of many tearful promises on his part was the best he could do.
He had one hell of a row to hoe. I prayed daily that God would bring him whatever would benefit him. After awhile, I realized I was certainly NOT a benefit to him.
I now laugh whenever I start thinking that I'm the be-all-end-all for someone or even when I have an idea for how someone should run their life. I have these thoughts and get on the wrong side of the street every now and then. However now I'm quicker to cross back over to my side with all its crap.
I'm rambling a bit here Saveher. Take whatever works and keep doing what you are doing.
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I once drove my car to a park and parked in the farthest parking spot available facing the woods - I got in the passenger seat where I had more room to thrash around a bit and I just laid into my mother, I screamed and shouted all the things I wanted to say to her, I VENTED my anger, I sobbed and shook and just g o t i t a l l o u t !!!!
I won't say I instantly felt better. I felt exhausted and drained. But I just let myself go wild and really say all the things both from my childhood self and from my adult self that I had held back all these years, the words that had filled countless conversations in my head that would/could never take place in real life.
In the following days I felt a great sense of closure, and enormous relief. And I have since approached and received my mother very differently, it led to changes in my thinking that have vastly improved my ability to interact with her. I guess I found some closure without her participation or acknowledgement at all, which I learned was just holding ME back to be waiting for her, or expecting some epic conversation with her to make a difference.....
So glad to hear you and your daughter are thriving and finding peace! That's awesome!
Peace,
B.
I won't say I instantly felt better. I felt exhausted and drained. But I just let myself go wild and really say all the things both from my childhood self and from my adult self that I had held back all these years, the words that had filled countless conversations in my head that would/could never take place in real life.
In the following days I felt a great sense of closure, and enormous relief. And I have since approached and received my mother very differently, it led to changes in my thinking that have vastly improved my ability to interact with her. I guess I found some closure without her participation or acknowledgement at all, which I learned was just holding ME back to be waiting for her, or expecting some epic conversation with her to make a difference.....
So glad to hear you and your daughter are thriving and finding peace! That's awesome!
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
go stand in front of a mirror - that person staring back at you? she has the power to give you closure.
i suspect you are still a little bit attached to the ex. or trying to round up the remnants of his vapor trail and collect them in a bottle. considering the protection order AND the fact that he moved far, far away, i think TELLING him goodbye is a bit redundant. that horse already left the barn and ran away.......
i suspect you are still a little bit attached to the ex. or trying to round up the remnants of his vapor trail and collect them in a bottle. considering the protection order AND the fact that he moved far, far away, i think TELLING him goodbye is a bit redundant. that horse already left the barn and ran away.......
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Join Date: Sep 2018
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https://www.salon.com/2006/02/08/alcoholic_ex/
This article may help. I think in time it will get easier. It's not just accepting that you have lost him, it's also accepting that all the plans that you had for the future have changed. Some new hopes and dreams for yourself and your own new future will, in time, help you to find that closure.
And when those new dreams start to come true, you will be really rolling.
This article may help. I think in time it will get easier. It's not just accepting that you have lost him, it's also accepting that all the plans that you had for the future have changed. Some new hopes and dreams for yourself and your own new future will, in time, help you to find that closure.
And when those new dreams start to come true, you will be really rolling.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak
Closure is an inside job-- it does not require another person. The way you get it is by focusing on your own recovery in whatever way you are working on that (Counseling, Alanon, Yoga, Church, etc.).
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I agree with writing it all out. What you miss, what you wish he'd been, what you wish you'd had in terms of a family.....and then burn it. There's something about seeing the paper curl up and turn to ash that can be cathartic.
As far as the child support goes, I do think you should pursue that. You don't have to personally see him or communicate with him to get it, and he OWES that to your daughter. I was a single mom, too, and even WITH child support it was hard to make ends meet. However, if you're not pursuing it because you think it's better that he's not in your daughter's life and you think that would stir up a hornet's nest, then I do get that. I would gladly have struggled without receiving a dime if I knew my daughter would never have to see her dad and he would stay out of our lives. (we had to get a restraining order last year, but it's expired now; he's highly toxic)
Give yourself time, give yourself permission to grieve what could have been, and focus on improving your self care. I know it sounds trite, but time does heal all.
As far as the child support goes, I do think you should pursue that. You don't have to personally see him or communicate with him to get it, and he OWES that to your daughter. I was a single mom, too, and even WITH child support it was hard to make ends meet. However, if you're not pursuing it because you think it's better that he's not in your daughter's life and you think that would stir up a hornet's nest, then I do get that. I would gladly have struggled without receiving a dime if I knew my daughter would never have to see her dad and he would stay out of our lives. (we had to get a restraining order last year, but it's expired now; he's highly toxic)
Give yourself time, give yourself permission to grieve what could have been, and focus on improving your self care. I know it sounds trite, but time does heal all.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Does closure even exist? "Time heals all wounds" is a cliche but even the biggest hurts diminish over time. I think it helps to get active and make new friends, it speeds up the process. Get active in Alanon and do service. It all helps.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
I wrote the letter--and gave him a copy with his things the day the movers came. For me, it helped to get something like closure, but I wouldn't say I'm 100% there. Some people may say to burn the letter or throw it away. For me, because he was always blacked out, it was important that he knew what he did to us when he was drunk, how he behaved when drunk, the lies I was now aware of, and a few other things that are just between the two of us.
He went to alcohol counseling for a few months after that, but ultimately made the decision to continue drinking, rather than get help--to his detriment. Now, with time, I see who and what he was all along. I don't hate him and I don't pity him either. He is a person who continually makes wrong choices, mostly to drink rather than get help. He's a troubled and maybe tortured individual. But most of all? He is no longer my responsibility and his actions no longer have any impact on me. That's the good thing for me in all of this--he can no longer have any impact on me or my life.
I wish you all the best.
He went to alcohol counseling for a few months after that, but ultimately made the decision to continue drinking, rather than get help--to his detriment. Now, with time, I see who and what he was all along. I don't hate him and I don't pity him either. He is a person who continually makes wrong choices, mostly to drink rather than get help. He's a troubled and maybe tortured individual. But most of all? He is no longer my responsibility and his actions no longer have any impact on me. That's the good thing for me in all of this--he can no longer have any impact on me or my life.
I wish you all the best.
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Saveher-
I agree with much of what was written above.
One of my challenges that I had to heal from was that I kept expecting the person that hurt me to be able to heal me. That was part of my confusion around closure.
I also oddly kept thinking that my way of being was wrong, and the loved one in my life in addictive tendencies was coming from a place of health and well being.....so I thought I needed him to validate me.
Figuring all of that out was part of my healing around closure.
I agree with much of what was written above.
One of my challenges that I had to heal from was that I kept expecting the person that hurt me to be able to heal me. That was part of my confusion around closure.
I also oddly kept thinking that my way of being was wrong, and the loved one in my life in addictive tendencies was coming from a place of health and well being.....so I thought I needed him to validate me.
Figuring all of that out was part of my healing around closure.
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It's me again... two years after my original post in this thread and still chasing the ever-elusive "closure." I've been seeing a therapist for a few months, but we've mostly been working on the debilitating anxiety I was experiencing this summer: obsessing about minor health issues, fear of my own death and what would happen to my daughter, anxiety attacks, the works. Luckily, she was able to help me get my anxiety back to a manageable level, so we've recently returned to the topic of closure.
Even though it has now been four years since we split, I still think about him regularly and feel so much pain when trying to discuss our relationship. Even worse (and not at all constructive), I have so much shame around the fact that I can't seem to move on considering how much time has passed. On the surface, I have no regrets about choosing a better life for me and my daughter, and I am so proud of what I've built for us without him. But deep down, I have this very dark and seemingly limitless well of pain that persists.
In my last therapy session, I was talking about the two warring factions inside of me: the part of me that wants to move on and the part of me that won't let go. Then, I had a breakthrough: Not letting go has been a choice, my choice. She then asked me why? Is it a form of self-punishment for playing my role in my child's fatherlessness? This suggestion didn't resonate with me, so thinking aloud, I wondered, is it because I feel most comfortable as a victim? But since my session, I realize that this doesn't resonate either. And then, it hit me. I choose to hold onto the pain because it's all I have left. I can't have the future I wanted; I can't have a companion with whom to raise my daughter; I can't have joy with him, so I hold the pain close, like a security blanket.
Even though I'm not proud of this realization, it has given me some peace. This week, I'm finally thinking about him less. I'm learning to accept that my daughter will always be a living reminder of him, but that I can choose to let go of the pain. I have agency. It's only happening to me if I let it. All of your wise words about closure coming from within make so much sense to me now, and I wish I would have been ready to hear it two years ago.
I'm here to share this realization with those of you still grieving the loss of your partner. You have the power within you to let go when you are ready. I'm also here to thank those of you who always try to help me find clarity. I don't post as much as I used to, but I read frequently, and I'm eternally grateful for the support I've been given over the years.
Even though it has now been four years since we split, I still think about him regularly and feel so much pain when trying to discuss our relationship. Even worse (and not at all constructive), I have so much shame around the fact that I can't seem to move on considering how much time has passed. On the surface, I have no regrets about choosing a better life for me and my daughter, and I am so proud of what I've built for us without him. But deep down, I have this very dark and seemingly limitless well of pain that persists.
In my last therapy session, I was talking about the two warring factions inside of me: the part of me that wants to move on and the part of me that won't let go. Then, I had a breakthrough: Not letting go has been a choice, my choice. She then asked me why? Is it a form of self-punishment for playing my role in my child's fatherlessness? This suggestion didn't resonate with me, so thinking aloud, I wondered, is it because I feel most comfortable as a victim? But since my session, I realize that this doesn't resonate either. And then, it hit me. I choose to hold onto the pain because it's all I have left. I can't have the future I wanted; I can't have a companion with whom to raise my daughter; I can't have joy with him, so I hold the pain close, like a security blanket.
Even though I'm not proud of this realization, it has given me some peace. This week, I'm finally thinking about him less. I'm learning to accept that my daughter will always be a living reminder of him, but that I can choose to let go of the pain. I have agency. It's only happening to me if I let it. All of your wise words about closure coming from within make so much sense to me now, and I wish I would have been ready to hear it two years ago.
I'm here to share this realization with those of you still grieving the loss of your partner. You have the power within you to let go when you are ready. I'm also here to thank those of you who always try to help me find clarity. I don't post as much as I used to, but I read frequently, and I'm eternally grateful for the support I've been given over the years.
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Join Date: Aug 2021
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I'm so glad you have come to this place where you are ready to heal. I do agree that we provide our own closure. I think trying to receive closure from a person that has hurt us is just opening the door to allow them to hurt us again. The best self-care is removing their power in our world. I don't think closure equates to an elimination of pain. The pain is real and it serves a purpose---to remind us that we don't want to return to that place--to remind us of our strength in leaving that place--to remind us that it exists. I do believe that as we heal the pain lessens, but it does leave scars. How we view those scars is up to each of us---they can be worn proudly as a sign of all that we have conquered, or they can be worn in shame for all that we endured. It's a process without a timeline. Sometimes it takes longer to heal because it was a pattern of behavior that we kept repeating, and sometimes it takes longer to heal because we are REALLY healing---not just from this hurt.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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I know in my case when I was still with her (my addict) towards the end stage, I was feeling little except pain. Pain & disappointment had become my relationship with her. For a lot of reasons hurtful pain became my norm. I remember the anxiety attacks.
Years later now, I still feel that pain but its not as bad as it was when I was still with her or the first year after walking away from her. For me, I am not sure that feeling of pain will ever completely go away. Maybe it remains to serve as a reminder for me to never forget that regardless of how I feel about her, she is an addict & lives a life (year after year) chasing after her addictions.
My SR join date is also June 2017. I remember your story concerning you & your daughter. There was a daughter in my story but she wasnt mine. Its another source of pain for me. For what its worth, you did the right thing for yourself & your daughter. It took a lot of courage to do what you did.
I hope you find peace with it all or at least enough peace for the anxiety & pain to ease up substantially.
I dont even think about finding closure. I dont think there will be closure. Over the years, I have gained a lot of understanding but that has not brought me closure.
Please take care
Years later now, I still feel that pain but its not as bad as it was when I was still with her or the first year after walking away from her. For me, I am not sure that feeling of pain will ever completely go away. Maybe it remains to serve as a reminder for me to never forget that regardless of how I feel about her, she is an addict & lives a life (year after year) chasing after her addictions.
My SR join date is also June 2017. I remember your story concerning you & your daughter. There was a daughter in my story but she wasnt mine. Its another source of pain for me. For what its worth, you did the right thing for yourself & your daughter. It took a lot of courage to do what you did.
I hope you find peace with it all or at least enough peace for the anxiety & pain to ease up substantially.
I dont even think about finding closure. I dont think there will be closure. Over the years, I have gained a lot of understanding but that has not brought me closure.
Please take care
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