I met with a divorce attorney today - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 06-13-2019, 08:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I met with a divorce attorney today


My husband doesnít know I did but I wanted to be prepared. The last time things got crazy was three weeks ago. He threatened to commit suicide, blamed me for all his problems and then wouldnít answer his phone when I got my son and I out of the house. The crisis line people couldnít get in touch with him, his brother couldnít reach him and I ended up letting the cops in so they could do a welfare check on him.

We spent some time apart (he went on a road trip with our son), didnít drink and when we came back together I told him my boundary: that he would have to be in active recovery or I was done. He went to a couple of meetings, picked up a book on recovery and admitted to his alcoholism.

Unfortunately, he doesnít seem committed to recovery. Heís been making the kinds of noises Iíve heard about in meetings (Iím going to Al-Anon meetings) and reading on this and other forums. Now heís not interested in doing a program or the steps and doesnít feel like he will get anything from AA. I found a SMART recovery meeting and sent him a link and he hasnít gone to that. Heís not serious about recovery and tonight I smelled alcohol on his breath.

Part of of the issue is that I was a heavy heavy drinker for 10 years, quit, went to one A.A. meeting and did a lot of reading and did a fair amount of online meetings here at SR. I KNOW I can never drink again. I feel like he is using my recovery as a template for what he can try to do. Heís not so successful at it however, obviously, because he is continuing to drink. He admits he has a problem but does nothing about it.

The divorce attorney painted a pretty bleak picture for him if we divorce. It makes me so so sad.

And I am so sad for his relationship with our son. I know heís pretty checked out when heís drunk but when heís sober- such a great dad. He and my son have a great time together. It breaks my heart.

As far as our relationship- meh- heís not supportive of my side hustle, resents the amount of time I take to do it. Tells me a bunch of bs about what I should be doing instead. Same old same old.

This divorce is completely new territory that I donít know how to navigate. Support? Insight? Thanks.
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Old 06-13-2019, 08:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Thursdays.....

You might appreciate the following website.....it has some good educational info. and it is listed by state....

www.womansdivorce.com
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Old 06-14-2019, 02:02 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thursdays, if he's found this forum, careful he doesn't discover you. It wouldn't take much detective work.

It's the ones that take recovery lightly that set themselves up to fail. Your instincts were spot on.
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Old 06-14-2019, 06:29 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Divorce stinks, there is no getting around that.

Living with an active addict is much worse, for you and your kids.

Sending you lots of support!
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Old 06-14-2019, 11:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Going to an attorney is smart. Did you know that if you go to an attorney for a paid consultation, that firm can't represent your husband in a divorce? An attorney I was involved with for a different kind of situation told me that when I told him about my AH's drinking problem.

Is there anything within you that wants to repair the marriage? Would your husband be open to counseling? Sometimes it's free if you go through your church. If there's any inkling of love still there and you think it could be salvaged, I would at least try counseling.

On the flip side, let me tell you this: My husband is an alcoholic. He had an emotional affair on me last year. I was heavily leaning on divorce, but I didn't proceed. We went to counseling and the minute that quitting drinking and going into a program was presented, AH no longer wanted to continue therapy. Now (if you see my post today) AH has cirrhosis of the liver and is quitting. It took THAT to get him to quit.

If your husband won't go into therapy, at least go a few times for yourself and get some clarity on what you want and where you are in this. It will be worth it, I promise you.
He gave me the names of the top 3 people in my city. After consulting with them, that took them off the table for anything in the future should I have chosen to divorce my AH. It cost me some $$$, but I put it on my credit card where AH wouldn't be able to see it.
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Old 06-14-2019, 07:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you all. He will not do counseling, therapy, medication and hates the church. Heís very very fixed in his thinking. It sucks. I have a referral for a shrink and will seek out counseling. Iím getting my ducks in a row and figuring out a plan. Iíve cried so much to various professionals in the past two days itís ridiculous. I think Iíll hit up another alanon meeting tomorrow morning.

I have a constant knot in my stomach and I so wish for a happy outcome and pragmatically believe the worst.
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Old 06-14-2019, 07:33 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Good for you for setting out a plan.

It think it's imperative. Going to see the attorney, setting out your financial needs and goals (if required).

Practical items like who will live where. If your child is underage, what, ideally do you see for custody/visitation. Will you need something in place, like Soberlink to determine that he is sober each time visitation takes place.

You seem somewhat detached (which is normal), what are your fears about this. Do you still want to be in this marriage or is your concern more about the Son/Father relationship? If so, remember that with visitation only, he never (at least while he is underage) needs to see Dad drunk again, that's not a bad thing.
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Old 06-14-2019, 08:12 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Iím NOT detached- really- Iím a mess- but Iíve been talking to a LOT of support people. I really, above all else, I really really want him to be sober and healthy and happy. And I want him to do it with this family. But this bs has been going on for a year, year and a half.
Ive been reading the boards for that long at least. Last year was all about the fear of loss. This year, maybe itís the acceptance. Who knows. Maybe it will be worse than I imagine. Maybe it will be better.

edit: I know heís got some huge growing to do and I donít have a lot of faith that he can do it right now and I donít know what else to say to him to convince him how high the stakes are. I will talk with the therapist and see how to approach this.
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Old 06-14-2019, 09:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Really what can you say? I am guessing you have had the conversations about how bad it is for him, for you, for your Son and for the family in general.

How alcoholism is progressive and it's not going anywhere good.

Above all I'm sure you have read that you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. These things are true. What you would like and what he is willing to do may well be two different things. Your choices then become remaining in the relationship with an addict or leaving, there is no inbetween.

That is, of course, your decision and I'm glad you have so much support and have started posting. The bottom line is, what is your boundary? Do you have one?
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Old 06-14-2019, 10:01 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Thursdays.....you have done all of the hurling yourself against the brick wall that you can do...it sounds like.....
My experience with rigid people and rigid thinkers is that one has to leave them to life on life's terms....that is how they learn whatever they are going to learn.
Action, also, is much more instructive than words.....
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