I cant stop crying, does it ever get easier..
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Join Date: May 2018
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I cant stop crying, does it ever get easier..
My ex-husband tried to get back with me a few weeks ago and I said no. He had to get into recovery first. He's a horrible drunk, had become very beligerant while sober too. It all blew up one night and we separated. I knew I couldn't go on living with him while he was actively drinking (he'd been sober for 4yrs). I couldn't let the kids grow up like that.
He told me on Monday he had gone back to the chick he had been seeing and its just broken my heart. I feel like nothing...I'm totally on my own. My family are all back in Ireland. I'm only in my current city a year and I know very few people. The isolation hurts so bad, especially the nights when he's got the kids. I feel like the only people I can talk to are Al-anon, you guys and the lady on the drug and alcohol helpline.
I know I did the right thing not taking him back. He's getting drunk most wkends now. This is the point in his cycle when he's usually arrested for something (before he met me....and recently when he started drinking again).
It just hurts that I'm alone, bawling my feckin Irish eyes out and he's in somebody elses bed being validated and enabled. Where's my somebody? It just hurts...when does it stop hurting? I have to hide my crying from the kids...I end up bawling in cafes when a sad song comes on and have to excuse myself.
Sorry for the rant. I'm just tired of feeling all this pain when he gets to get drunk and feel nothing.
He told me on Monday he had gone back to the chick he had been seeing and its just broken my heart. I feel like nothing...I'm totally on my own. My family are all back in Ireland. I'm only in my current city a year and I know very few people. The isolation hurts so bad, especially the nights when he's got the kids. I feel like the only people I can talk to are Al-anon, you guys and the lady on the drug and alcohol helpline.
I know I did the right thing not taking him back. He's getting drunk most wkends now. This is the point in his cycle when he's usually arrested for something (before he met me....and recently when he started drinking again).
It just hurts that I'm alone, bawling my feckin Irish eyes out and he's in somebody elses bed being validated and enabled. Where's my somebody? It just hurts...when does it stop hurting? I have to hide my crying from the kids...I end up bawling in cafes when a sad song comes on and have to excuse myself.
Sorry for the rant. I'm just tired of feeling all this pain when he gets to get drunk and feel nothing.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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try to focus on just how you feel right now and what you can do to appease those feelings
he's a jackass and unworthy. but it is important for you to know that he isn't doing all this AT you - you just happen to be close enough to take the shrapnel. over time, you will move farther away and the pain WILL lessen.
i can assure you that he isn't living the life of a lotto winner - or suddenly imbued with compassion, empathy and a sober mind. he got nothing on you, babe.
he's a jackass and unworthy. but it is important for you to know that he isn't doing all this AT you - you just happen to be close enough to take the shrapnel. over time, you will move farther away and the pain WILL lessen.
i can assure you that he isn't living the life of a lotto winner - or suddenly imbued with compassion, empathy and a sober mind. he got nothing on you, babe.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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You are courageous and you are going through this —not under it or over it but through this. It’s going to make you stronger and he will stay weak even though there’s the illusion he’s getting away with this by seeking comfort of another-he’s really not. Time always tells.
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Join Date: May 2018
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Unfortunately I still have contact with him..
Right after he told me, he helped bring in the kids, make me tea. Couple days later instead of just picking up the kids from mine he brought round take out and tried to 'hang out' like nothing had happened. At the next handover, he forgot one of the kid's toys (does this nearly weekly) and came by late in the evening. Unfortunately one of the kids let him in briefly...
I've just switched off...I don't speak to him now at handovers. I would literally burst into tears. I'm considering anti-depressant so I can feel NOTHING.
What's worse is I don't know if he genuinely doesn't give a f**k about me or if this is all just the addiction fighting the last residue of love he has for me, that still wants to be with me. Its like he's two brains, the old one and the addicted one and one brain wants me whilst the other wants the booze.
I've just switched off...I don't speak to him now at handovers. I would literally burst into tears. I'm considering anti-depressant so I can feel NOTHING.
What's worse is I don't know if he genuinely doesn't give a f**k about me or if this is all just the addiction fighting the last residue of love he has for me, that still wants to be with me. Its like he's two brains, the old one and the addicted one and one brain wants me whilst the other wants the booze.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Originally Posted by Milano58 
Its like he's two brains, the old one and the addicted one and one brain wants me whilst the other wants the booze.
Since HE can't separate those two, he had to make a choice, which he did, or his addiction did, depends how you, personally, look at it.
The alcohol is his first love, it rules his life. As long as you share a life with him it rules yours too. It's a tough taskmaster and totally unreliable, referred to often as the "crazy train".
Well, you decided that you and your children don't want to ride that train and good for you for doing that. It hurts! I also takes tremendous courage. While you probably don't feel hugely courageous right now, eventually you will see you made the right decision.
For now, it's probably not wise to let him spend that time with you. You mentioned you have shut down during his pick up times, that's good, to not engage. I would recommend in future when he forgets a toy that you decline him returning it that night, he can do it next time. If it's a toy that's imperative to have, he needs to go get it and bring it right back. He is wanting to play both sides of the street. Drink all night and have his gf there and then play happy Husband and Father when he's kind of sober (I've seen this posted here quite often by the way - the leaving then "dropping back in" when it's convenient).
You certainly didn't sign up for that (and you absolutely deserve better).
You might find these articles interesting if you haven't already read them:
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/A..._Lies_Rel.html
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
To answer your question, yes, it does, but it's painful for sure. You will be ok, keep posting, keep going to Al-Anon. If you have family that you are close to, skype with them perhaps? Keep reaching out for support, you're not alone.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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That's awful for you Milano, I can see that you're struggling. Don't do it on your own, find some help. It might be a counsellor, or a doctor or Al-anon. The hardest thing is starting but you need to take that step. You might be open to anti-depressants for a while to get you over the hump.
You did the right thing to leave him, so at least congratulate yourself for that. The girlfriends will come and go; some guys just need them.
It's really normal to cry, but don't let it go on for too long. And come here to post when you're feeling down.
You did the right thing to leave him, so at least congratulate yourself for that. The girlfriends will come and go; some guys just need them.
It's really normal to cry, but don't let it go on for too long. And come here to post when you're feeling down.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Oh, Milano....I'm so sorry you're in pain. It's the pits, I know.
It really won't last forever. I know that because I'm speaking to you on the opposite side of the worst kind of breakup--the death of my husband. I know that you had so many hopes for your relationship--I get that--totally. It's hard to let those go, but it is possible, and I found it to be quite necessary. It will happen on your own time.
Each day, the pain will get better. There will be light and laughter and joy in your world again. It may take getting help. That's OK! I see a grief counselor now and again still at 3.5 years after my husband's death. But there is joy in my world, and I am at peace most days!
Hang in there...I hope today dawned a bit brighter
It really won't last forever. I know that because I'm speaking to you on the opposite side of the worst kind of breakup--the death of my husband. I know that you had so many hopes for your relationship--I get that--totally. It's hard to let those go, but it is possible, and I found it to be quite necessary. It will happen on your own time.
Each day, the pain will get better. There will be light and laughter and joy in your world again. It may take getting help. That's OK! I see a grief counselor now and again still at 3.5 years after my husband's death. But there is joy in my world, and I am at peace most days!
Hang in there...I hope today dawned a bit brighter
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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Milano, I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. I know how excruciating it is. I remember feeling like I couldn't even breathe, like my heart was just going to shatter. My brain knew people go through break ups all the time and live through it... but I wasn't sure I was going to survive it.
Here's the thing... while you are processing all the pain of separation, your ex is not. I know it isn't fair that it seems like he has it easier right now, but in the long run you are going to be so much better off emotionally. You haven't been jumping into beds or bottles to hide from your feelings. As crappy as they are you are working through them, he is not. Over time your hurts will slowly fade away and you will wake up one day happy, and healthy and free from the chaos of his addiction... he will still be stuck in that hell.
My AXH did the same thing, we'd barely separated and were still living in the same house when he started seeing someone. It made a bad situation even more unbearable. I completely understand how that makes a girl feel. There aren't even words for that feeling. It's the worst thing I ever felt.
So, please know, I , and so many others here, totally understand how broken you feel right now. But please also understand that it WILL get better. My life is so much better now that his alcoholism is no longer part of my every day life. I learned that I could love my AXH from a distance and move on in my life in a healthy way. He still struggles in his addiction and his "new" love is now living through the hell of his alcoholism.
Keep putting one front in front of the other, keep breathing deep breaths and keep talking to us. We are here for you.
Here's the thing... while you are processing all the pain of separation, your ex is not. I know it isn't fair that it seems like he has it easier right now, but in the long run you are going to be so much better off emotionally. You haven't been jumping into beds or bottles to hide from your feelings. As crappy as they are you are working through them, he is not. Over time your hurts will slowly fade away and you will wake up one day happy, and healthy and free from the chaos of his addiction... he will still be stuck in that hell.
My AXH did the same thing, we'd barely separated and were still living in the same house when he started seeing someone. It made a bad situation even more unbearable. I completely understand how that makes a girl feel. There aren't even words for that feeling. It's the worst thing I ever felt.
So, please know, I , and so many others here, totally understand how broken you feel right now. But please also understand that it WILL get better. My life is so much better now that his alcoholism is no longer part of my every day life. I learned that I could love my AXH from a distance and move on in my life in a healthy way. He still struggles in his addiction and his "new" love is now living through the hell of his alcoholism.
Keep putting one front in front of the other, keep breathing deep breaths and keep talking to us. We are here for you.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You are going to get through this, and you are going to have a good life.
That new girl isn't getting a knight in shining armor, she's getting the same guy you had. Abusive, alcoholic, mean. Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.
Prayers for you and your children. I agree that finding a group to go to would help a lot. Al Anon, Celebrate Recovery, church, a book club, a mom's group. Al Anon would be my choice. They understand and you can talk it out safely.
Keep posting, we get it.
That new girl isn't getting a knight in shining armor, she's getting the same guy you had. Abusive, alcoholic, mean. Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.
Prayers for you and your children. I agree that finding a group to go to would help a lot. Al Anon, Celebrate Recovery, church, a book club, a mom's group. Al Anon would be my choice. They understand and you can talk it out safely.
Keep posting, we get it.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes, yes, yes!!! It's easy to forget the bad parts of a person when you are hurting. He is not some great catch.
Get the support you need for YOU!!!! Big hugs!
Get the support you need for YOU!!!! Big hugs!
Originally Posted by biminiblue
You are going to get through this, and you are going to have a good life.
That new girl isn't getting a knight in shining armor, she's getting the same guy you had. Abusive, alcoholic, mean. Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.
Prayers for you and your children. I agree that finding a group to go to would help a lot. Al Anon, Celebrate Recovery, church, a book club, a mom's group. Al Anon would be my choice. They understand and you can talk it out safely.
Keep posting, we get it.
That new girl isn't getting a knight in shining armor, she's getting the same guy you had. Abusive, alcoholic, mean. Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.
Prayers for you and your children. I agree that finding a group to go to would help a lot. Al Anon, Celebrate Recovery, church, a book club, a mom's group. Al Anon would be my choice. They understand and you can talk it out safely.
Keep posting, we get it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Originally Posted by Mango212
It's okay to let the tears flow and have a release. Do you have a sponsor you trust in Al-Anon?
Yes, it does get better.
Yes, it does get better.
I don't have a sponsor yet. I've only been to 1 meeting so far. I'm just crying it out. It's better today. I just bought a surfboard. Waiting for the weather to get warmer and I'll be back out there.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 82
Hi Milano... it does get better. I started here last November and it was really bad. Unfortunately I got back together late December with my boyfriend but I walked on eggshells a lot of the time, not all, but once is too much. We recently broke up again and I am way stronger this time. Some of your friends posting on here posted on my story too. My thread is still active "what is a raging alcoholic". If you read through you will see the strength I gained and it may inspire you. I do not share children with this man which makes it easier for me as there is no connection, only by choice. I choose no! Be kind to yourself, honor yourself by setting your standards to where you deserve. No one deserves abuse. My guy had the most amazing side, it was a fantasy come true but his dark sides also part of him. He is only one person. I wished and prayed that the dark side would disappear then I figured out that it is not reality. Glad you bought a surfboard... sounds fun.. enjoy it and let us know how you progress!
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Join Date: May 2018
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Hi Meadow123, I've been following your post. I often thought it must be so much easier for people who didn't have kids with their exes, but I reckon after a 5yr marriage I'd still have problems letting go. Love is love. When my ex tried to get back with me I thought he'd been in recovery for 7 months at that point. I thought he was 'fixed'..lol. It was a double whammy to find out that he was still drinking EVEN after losing me, kids & home. Then he just went right back to that chick when I said no to the drinking. Yes to him...but not the booze.
He's just not in control of his faculties anymore. He's not at the helm. I've just booked in to see a counselor about all the recent crap. It's one thing to get off the crazy train...unfortunately the crazy train keeps stopping by my house blowing its whistle.
He's just not in control of his faculties anymore. He's not at the helm. I've just booked in to see a counselor about all the recent crap. It's one thing to get off the crazy train...unfortunately the crazy train keeps stopping by my house blowing its whistle.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 82
Yes it is easier for sure when you don't share children. I am happy you have booked a counselor. I did and it helped me last fall. I have been walking a lot and listening to my favourite music, it helps too. I also am going to work and giving my best effort there. I feel accomplished when I complete a task and am proud. I hope you are trying to do some things that give you pleasure.. just for you! Hang tough my friend and keep posting.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Originally Posted by Milano58
I've just booked in to see a counselor about all the recent crap. It's one thing to get off the crazy train...unfortunately the crazy train keeps stopping by my house blowing its whistle.
Just wanted to congratulate you on booking a counsellor. I hope it goes well and helps you get it all off your chest. Probably the first session will be a flood of tears so take some tissues.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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How are you feeling today Milano? I hope wherever you live you had a beautiful day. I had an up and down day today but am feeling a bit better now. My weekends start on Friday and I have lots planned with good friends. If you manage to do one thing over the weekend for yourself that would be a good goal. Next week, maybe 2 things. Start slow and be kind to yourself. Let us know how it goes. I am thinking of you.
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