What to Do Next.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
FWN, thank you for this post. I have been dealing with this same issue for about 13 years...the first few of those 13 I didnt know that I was dealing with alcoholism. You are so wise to read and learn everything you can. I could have written your post, except I don't have children and I am still dealing with it. They are very convincing and I want to believe my AH like you do. It hurts and its unfair that we have to make the tough decisions and feel like it's our choice to leave the marriage, when we are only reacting to their actions. I am so sorry for what brought you here, but thankful that you found this site... It has helped me more than anything. My body trembles as I read these replies for they are 100% correct. And I appreciate every one of them. I hope one day to get to my happy place...I feel it is sooner than later!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
" throwing pillows ahead"
ok firesprite, i'm kinda loving that!! absolutely perfect visual in very few words, says it all!!!
fortworth - again please remember - you are not REQUIRED to respond to everything that falls out of his face. you don't have to have any answers. you are not his therapist asking leading questions to try and help him GET somewhere, mentally.
hmmmmm is a nice response, if you feel you need to make some type of noise of recognition. I see. How interesting. anything NON committal and NON engaging in further "discussion".
and i forbid you to buy any guilt trips! LOL
ok firesprite, i'm kinda loving that!! absolutely perfect visual in very few words, says it all!!!
fortworth - again please remember - you are not REQUIRED to respond to everything that falls out of his face. you don't have to have any answers. you are not his therapist asking leading questions to try and help him GET somewhere, mentally.
hmmmmm is a nice response, if you feel you need to make some type of noise of recognition. I see. How interesting. anything NON committal and NON engaging in further "discussion".
and i forbid you to buy any guilt trips! LOL
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
He emailed our therapist this morning asking for advice on how to get through to me that he cannot just 'fix this over night' and he 'needs more time.' He's MOST hung up on the idea that he's going to do his best to not drink but he knows he's going to screw up and then I'm going to leave and he wants to make sure he has 'chances' without 'me tearing our family apart.' He says I'm setting him up for failure by saying zero tolerance....................... I just don't even know how to respond to that. He hasn't even begun the process of getting tools (sponsor, resources, etc) and he's already talking about failure. How about talking to THEM about how to NOT FAIL.
Say that he had cancer. Say his doctor tells him that his odds aren't great. I have a feeling that he would want to go to treatment RIGHT NOW. He wouldn't look up chemo drugs on Amazon (not that you can) and try to administer it himself. He would be trying to get the best treatment and best doctors possible to stack the odds in his favor. Failure would not be an option.
Maybe he would ask others for help as he did research on his condition, but I have a feeling he would be googling the heck out of his disease. He wouldn't be delaying his treatment. He wouldn't be asking for more time to make up his mind. The fact that you're going to have a baby in two months should absolutely light a fire underneath him, and the fact that he's even asking for more time is a giant red flag.
That said, of COURSE this going to take time. You don't kill cancer in one chemo treatment, but you sure as hell don't wait around a couple months before you start trying.
He may not see his alcoholism as a matter of life or death but it is. Does he want a life with his family or does he want a life with his bottle? You're not doing him any favors if you agree to sustain his delusion that he can have both.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by fortworthnative 
He emailed our therapist this morning asking for advice on how to get through to me that he cannot just 'fix this over night' and he 'needs more time.' He's MOST hung up on the idea that he's going to do his best to not drink but he knows he's going to screw up and then I'm going to leave and he wants to make sure he has 'chances' without 'me tearing our family apart.' He says I'm setting him up for failure by saying zero tolerance....................... I just don't even know how to respond to that. He hasn't even begun the process of getting tools (sponsor, resources, etc) and he's already talking about failure. How about talking to THEM about how to NOT FAIL.
The one AA meeting he went to after his DWI he says everyone in there was on their second or third time getting X chip and he just feels like he's going to fail and lose everything.
What do I say to that. I don't even want to be involved in whatever path he plans to take to not drink. It's frigging exhausting. Do it or don't dude, is that too harsh?! Just choose NOT to drink.
The one AA meeting he went to after his DWI he says everyone in there was on their second or third time getting X chip and he just feels like he's going to fail and lose everything.
What do I say to that. I don't even want to be involved in whatever path he plans to take to not drink. It's frigging exhausting. Do it or don't dude, is that too harsh?! Just choose NOT to drink.
"I intend to keep drinking and I would like my wife to be cool with that. It really upsets me that she is not cool with me continuing to drink. I would like the therapist to help me make this all about my wife so I can go on and on about that, and thereby buy myself more time to keep drinking".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Thank you all so much for your replies. They really are very helpful to me, just being on this forum and being able to express my true feelings has lifted such a large burden from my shoulders (and makes me feel less in my head about things). I especially appreciate the cancer analogy, so true.
I continue to reflect on all of your responses and it makes me think back through these past many years. Almost our entire marriage I have obsessed about his drinking. So much so that I started seeing my first therapist back home in 2016 because I was trying to figure out what it all meant, why I was such a lunatic wife who couldn't handle her husbands drinking choices. Then, I remember vividly in December when he got the DWI with my son in the car, my first feelings were obviously thank God everyone is okay and no harm came to anyone. But shortly after it felt like such validation that I was not crazy. That I haven't been making all of this up and making too big a deal about his drinking but still I hadn't pinpointed the actual 'addiction' factor, I was still bargaining and fighting and listening to his 'I'll do betters' even after the DWI. After he'd promised no more drinking but within 3 weeks had weaseled his way back into 'for this social event' and 'I just need one glass of wine tonight.' to the point where he was drinking every night and it's the worst it's been.
And now, to be on this forum and to put the word 'addiction' into my head, looking back through that lens, everything seems so clear. I haven't been crazy, this has progressed to alcoholism. The person I've been arguing with for years has been taken over with this 'addict brain' and I finally understand that my future with him is grim unless he seeks the help he needs. And I will not spend my life with someone who decides alcohol is more important than family.
And I also realize I probably do not understand the depths to which this has affected me.
I probably need to go to Al-Anon. My therapist has suggested it a couple of times but I've told myself every time she's suggested it 'not me, I don't belong there.' At the spouse of an addicts meeting.
Just thinking aloud over here. This is like journaling for me and is very cathartic. And the responses really help, thank you again for making me not feel so alone in all of this.
I continue to reflect on all of your responses and it makes me think back through these past many years. Almost our entire marriage I have obsessed about his drinking. So much so that I started seeing my first therapist back home in 2016 because I was trying to figure out what it all meant, why I was such a lunatic wife who couldn't handle her husbands drinking choices. Then, I remember vividly in December when he got the DWI with my son in the car, my first feelings were obviously thank God everyone is okay and no harm came to anyone. But shortly after it felt like such validation that I was not crazy. That I haven't been making all of this up and making too big a deal about his drinking but still I hadn't pinpointed the actual 'addiction' factor, I was still bargaining and fighting and listening to his 'I'll do betters' even after the DWI. After he'd promised no more drinking but within 3 weeks had weaseled his way back into 'for this social event' and 'I just need one glass of wine tonight.' to the point where he was drinking every night and it's the worst it's been.
And now, to be on this forum and to put the word 'addiction' into my head, looking back through that lens, everything seems so clear. I haven't been crazy, this has progressed to alcoholism. The person I've been arguing with for years has been taken over with this 'addict brain' and I finally understand that my future with him is grim unless he seeks the help he needs. And I will not spend my life with someone who decides alcohol is more important than family.
And I also realize I probably do not understand the depths to which this has affected me.
I probably need to go to Al-Anon. My therapist has suggested it a couple of times but I've told myself every time she's suggested it 'not me, I don't belong there.' At the spouse of an addicts meeting.
Just thinking aloud over here. This is like journaling for me and is very cathartic. And the responses really help, thank you again for making me not feel so alone in all of this.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Your original question
After seeing excellent discussion here, I realized your original question was about what to do next. You've received some great options. It can seem overwhelming. The answer is: the next right step. You can do all the things or some of the things discussed here over a long period of time if you want. Sometimes this recovery thing isn't One Day at a Time, but, rather, one moment at a Time. Take it easy and know that there are good people who understand what you're going through and want to put their best out there.
Last edited by skippernlilg; 06-21-2019 at 08:18 PM. Reason: Typo
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
So many wonderful posts and so much wisdom and experience here.
A little bit of my own experience.
I told my Alcoholic partner that I would live with him if he got help with his drinking. (at the time, I had absolutely zero knowledge about alcoholism...I think I was one of those people who thought that if you didn't live under a bridge, you were doing ok). He went to AA meetings to please me, but sometimes came home drunk. When I asked, he would admit that he stopped on the way home for a drink. Then he would day, "Was that the wrong thing to do?"....I realized that one of us was certainly crazy. I found SR, and began to "lurk"...just read and read and learn. I learned that as long as I stayed, he would blame me. He actually did blame me. He began to say that he drank because I didn't trust him not to. (try making sense of that one, which at the time I did). I left knowing he had to have no one else but himself to blame, and I left because I knew it would get worse, and that I might lose my mind in the process.
When I left him, after 4 months of this craziness, he escalated the drinking for 1 week. Some of the people he met in AA were watching him. They knew he was full of ****, they knew he came to meetings drunk, and when he stopped going after I left, one of them came to his home. By this time, I was gone, and he was living alone in a pretty much empty house all by himself. When he called and left a message, I could hear the echo.
The next day, he went to a meeting, and then he went to 3 meetings a day (before work, during lunch and after work) for 90 days. I wasn't in touch with him during that time, but learned about it later.
He acted like someone whose life depended on getting sober, and he never looked back. He has a sponsor, a great network of other recovering alcoholics, and he works hard to be a better person every single day.
He has been sober and working on a strong program of recovery for over 9 years, and we have now been living together for 6 years. Life is good now.
That is my experience, that's all I have but for this... I wish you peace, and strength and clarity,. I am glad you have family that will support you through whatever you decide. Don't be afraid...you are smart, and strong, and you are going to be ok. This is tough.
A little bit of my own experience.
I told my Alcoholic partner that I would live with him if he got help with his drinking. (at the time, I had absolutely zero knowledge about alcoholism...I think I was one of those people who thought that if you didn't live under a bridge, you were doing ok). He went to AA meetings to please me, but sometimes came home drunk. When I asked, he would admit that he stopped on the way home for a drink. Then he would day, "Was that the wrong thing to do?"....I realized that one of us was certainly crazy. I found SR, and began to "lurk"...just read and read and learn. I learned that as long as I stayed, he would blame me. He actually did blame me. He began to say that he drank because I didn't trust him not to. (try making sense of that one, which at the time I did). I left knowing he had to have no one else but himself to blame, and I left because I knew it would get worse, and that I might lose my mind in the process.
When I left him, after 4 months of this craziness, he escalated the drinking for 1 week. Some of the people he met in AA were watching him. They knew he was full of ****, they knew he came to meetings drunk, and when he stopped going after I left, one of them came to his home. By this time, I was gone, and he was living alone in a pretty much empty house all by himself. When he called and left a message, I could hear the echo.
The next day, he went to a meeting, and then he went to 3 meetings a day (before work, during lunch and after work) for 90 days. I wasn't in touch with him during that time, but learned about it later.
He acted like someone whose life depended on getting sober, and he never looked back. He has a sponsor, a great network of other recovering alcoholics, and he works hard to be a better person every single day.
He has been sober and working on a strong program of recovery for over 9 years, and we have now been living together for 6 years. Life is good now.
That is my experience, that's all I have but for this... I wish you peace, and strength and clarity,. I am glad you have family that will support you through whatever you decide. Don't be afraid...you are smart, and strong, and you are going to be ok. This is tough.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
1. You're family (and probably friends) already know he's an Alcoholic. Your Dad printed up info for you quite a while back, right?
So, you don't have to protect him....that cat is outta the bag, has been for a while.
2. You do not deserve this stress with small kids and a baby on the way.
3. His contract was BS but I don't mean that I think he's a bad person. But his desire to drink is stronger than ANYTHING ELSE IN HIS LIFE.
4. His half-hearted attempts at reading books, attending a few meetings etc. are clearly NOT WORKING.
5. I'd suggest he go to a re-hab for at LEAST 30 days. He needs professional help and calling or texting YOUR therapist is not proper help.
Of course, it must be HIS choice to go to rehab and TO STAY , then come home and get the real work of getting sober started.
6. It will also give YOU and your kids some time away from this circus. You can rest assured that he will be detoxing in a safe situation, if necessary.
Also, most re-habs offer good family counseling which was so helpful for my spouse and kids.
7. My heart breaks for you! I'm a "double winner" meaning I'm a recovering Alcoholic and my spouse is at the "functional" stage.
It's a very lonely and SCARY place to be, trying to stay away from the alcohol in the house and also staying in my own lane by detaching with love.
8. As several people have said, THERE IS HOPE!! Maybe he will quit. IT CAN and DOES HAPPEN.
9. You are so wise to start this process of learning about alcoholism while young. I'm so sorry for the nightmare you are in. But, I do believe there's hope for you and your family.
It's up to him.
So, you don't have to protect him....that cat is outta the bag, has been for a while.
2. You do not deserve this stress with small kids and a baby on the way.
3. His contract was BS but I don't mean that I think he's a bad person. But his desire to drink is stronger than ANYTHING ELSE IN HIS LIFE.
4. His half-hearted attempts at reading books, attending a few meetings etc. are clearly NOT WORKING.
5. I'd suggest he go to a re-hab for at LEAST 30 days. He needs professional help and calling or texting YOUR therapist is not proper help.
Of course, it must be HIS choice to go to rehab and TO STAY , then come home and get the real work of getting sober started.
6. It will also give YOU and your kids some time away from this circus. You can rest assured that he will be detoxing in a safe situation, if necessary.
Also, most re-habs offer good family counseling which was so helpful for my spouse and kids.
7. My heart breaks for you! I'm a "double winner" meaning I'm a recovering Alcoholic and my spouse is at the "functional" stage.
It's a very lonely and SCARY place to be, trying to stay away from the alcohol in the house and also staying in my own lane by detaching with love.
8. As several people have said, THERE IS HOPE!! Maybe he will quit. IT CAN and DOES HAPPEN.
9. You are so wise to start this process of learning about alcoholism while young. I'm so sorry for the nightmare you are in. But, I do believe there's hope for you and your family.
It's up to him.
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