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Old 06-12-2019, 02:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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uneasiness


For those who have family members in recovery, does the uneasiness ever go away? Does the constant stomach roll every go away when you see a text come in or a call come in and you fear to read it or answer it?
My AS should be almost 75 days sober. Have not a clue though for certain. Don't know if AS is meeting with sponsor or going to meetings.
Went silent for a few weeks now back to sending me pictures via text. Showed actual concern for a family member which was never the case in over 10 years. Although then did text asking for financial help with travel costs to go somewhere which I totally ignored.
Thought for sure AS would pull away again for a few weeks because didn't get the help but did send some pictures via text so mustn't be holding too much of a grudge for not getting help... although maybe he will try again.
So, I guess I am just not sure going forward how to respond to texts. I never ask questions because I don't want to get into a spot where I have to defend my self. I don't tell him what is going on with family because I fear it will upset him and he will turn to booze to sooth himself like before... (death of dog, grandpa had mild heart attack, etc) I just don't tell him because he never asks how anyone is doing...

Any advice on what to "talk/text" about? I don't ask if he is going to meetings, etc. Wouldn't know if he was telling the truth or not. Lives far away so not a clue what is really going on in his life.

Just wish it wouldn't be so uneasy making conversation. Wish it would not be so traumatizing getting a call or text from my own child.
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Old 06-12-2019, 03:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Hummingbird, I would just give him the news like anyone else. Grandpa, the dog etc. If he's sober and he's asked for news then I'm sure he can handle it. If he's not sober, no harm done.
Why not just send him the odd photo? You don't have to say much.
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Old 06-12-2019, 07:24 AM   #3 (permalink)
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You cannot protect him from life forever. Things happen in life, death, loss of jobs, season changes. All can be triggers for an addict, but they will continue to happen.

I too would simply have normal conversation and that is it. You never have to defend yourself. If he asks for something, simply say no. If he asks you to defend yourself, simply say you don't feel like you have to defend your choices to him.

You are walking on eggshells, it's no wonder you feel the way you do. My heart goes out to you. Sending you a hug.
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Old 06-12-2019, 07:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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My personal opinion is that you are putting way to much thought/obsession into how you and life events could affect your sonís sobriety/drinking as if you actually have any control over that.

My though is that you stop treating him differently, stop approaching his issues wearing kid gloves. Share life with him, share what is going on in the family just as you would share with anyone else in the family.
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Old 06-12-2019, 07:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Just wish it wouldn't be so uneasy making conversation. Wish it would not be so traumatizing getting a call or text from my own child.
What are you really afraid of Hummingbird?

If you tell him the dog died he will have a raging bender relapse?

If you ask him how his sobriety is progressing he will resent you and tell you to mind your own business?

If you say the wrong thing, tell him about his grandpa he might decide to drink?

All of those things are possibilities. They are also things that you have zero control over. If he is going to drink he is going to drink, whether the dog died or he stubs his toe, he doesn't need a "real" reason, he is an alcoholic. He has either chosen to seek recovery or not.

All out of your control.

You have handed him all your power in the relationship, you are always on the back foot, fearful. Why? He's texting you for some trip he wants to take and you are living in fear and trepidation. Does this seem right to you?

Just as he has the option to not contact you, you also have the option to just let this go, not contact him, not even worry about him. He will do whatever he likes, which really has nothing to do with you.

How do you let it go? By doing it. Actions. If you are going to reply in text just text him like you would anyone, let the chips fall where they may.

It is no coincidence that you heard from him when he needs money. Yes, he will ask again.
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Old 06-12-2019, 09:06 AM   #6 (permalink)
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So even though he never asks how his grandparents are doing, I should just let him know about the mild heart attack, etc.?
My grandparents loaned him money a few months ago interest free and he made the comment last week via text that he is not in a good financial spot to start repaying it... right before that was when he text asking if anyone would help him out with travel costs - which I ignored.
He has called them one time since the loan occurred. One time and has never asked how they were doing.
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Old 06-12-2019, 09:14 AM   #7 (permalink)
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hummingbird.....Yes.....talk about anything....with the exception of---No JADING and no enabling.
I suggest that you might want to ..when you feel that the time is right...to apologize to your son for enabling him, over the years. Make it sincere and honest. Explain to him that you didn't know better, but, not you do...so, you are going to do better....
I did that with my adult son when he was struggling....and, it seemed to help...it seemed that he understood that boundary that I set. Boy, was he surprised!

Also, if he makes arguments with you....you can either, politely hang up...or, take the opportunity to tell him that you reserve the right not to JADE, anymore....
Again---it is another boundary for you....

There is a lot to talk about...but, I think that you might need to learn new ways of communicating with him (and vice versa)…..as I'm guessing that, for years, everything has focused around his behavior and alcoholism....

A suggestion---when the phone rings or you see a text come in--say the Serenity Prayer to yourself, quickly and "see" your self in the hands of your higher power...or the Universe....That way, you know you can handle whatever comes your way....
I know what you mean...I think all mother's know about dreaded phone calls.....
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Old 06-12-2019, 09:26 AM   #8 (permalink)
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These questions are really a lot less about what specific pieces of information you should or shouldn't share with him than they are about accepting that no matter what you say or do, he is going to do whatever he is going to do--drink, recover, not recover, go to work, spend money, ask about his grandparents, NOT ask about his grandparents, it doesn't matter.

If you think there is something going on that he, as a member of the family, should know, then tell him. Things like the dog passing and his grandfather's illness apply. These are family matters. What he does with this information is entirely on him, and SHOULD BE entirely on him. If he drinks over the dog, then he was looking for a reason to drink anyway, and would have found one sooner or later (probably sooner). If he recognizes a sad situation as an opportunity to practice new coping tools in recovery, then that's fantastic--but those opportunities will arise with or without you as well. You're not making anything happen. It's that kind of thinking that feeds the illusion that we can control others. We can't.

For what it's worth, at his age, I never thought to ask about anyone, either. It's a selfish time even without addiction. You don't have to choose to take that selfishness personally. It's all part of becoming an adult.
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Old 06-12-2019, 09:29 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
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So even though he never asks how his grandparents are doing, I should just let him know about the mild heart attack, etc.?
Yes, even though he never asks, just like you would with anyone. If you were talking to another family member you would probably mention it even if they didn't ask, true?

He is no different, he doesn't need to be treated with kid gloves. He is a person, just like anyone else you would talk to.
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Old 06-12-2019, 09:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I presume grandparents should have known better. No one should loan him money at any point. I would not even discuss it.

He has not asked how they are because he used them for their money. That is the mindset he is in. I am not trying to be harsh, but it sounds like that is just what happened.


Quote:
Originally Posted by hummingbird358 View Post
So even though he never asks how his grandparents are doing, I should just let him know about the mild heart attack, etc.?
My grandparents loaned him money a few months ago interest free and he made the comment last week via text that he is not in a good financial spot to start repaying it... right before that was when he text asking if anyone would help him out with travel costs - which I ignored.
He has called them one time since the loan occurred. One time and has never asked how they were doing.
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Old 06-12-2019, 10:06 AM   #11 (permalink)
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How do you think he will feel and/or react when he finds out family stuff happened and you didn't tell him?

My own mother has lied to and shielded my brother from things "for his own good" that when he eventually finds out is going to blow up in everybody's face.

I'd be awfully p!ssed off at anyone that tried to manage me like that.
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Old 06-12-2019, 10:13 AM   #12 (permalink)
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quit running everything thru the filter of "how this may affect his RECOVERY" and instead talk to him like a person. quit trying to read the tea leaves and take apart everything he says or does, or does not say or does not do to find hidden meaning.

texting is not meant to replace conversation. it's just a quick way to send a few words, funny pictures, or "call before you get home because the dogs are out right now". so if he is only sending a text with a pic attached and nothing else, there is no reason to reply. or you could throw a smilie face in there and hit send.

if you want to tell him the roses are blooming, do so. or don't.
if you want to tell him great aunt martha had her podiatry appointment and it went well, do so. or don't.

remember, you are not IN CHARGE of his life anymore. HE IS.
you cannot CONTROL what may or may not rattle his cage.
you cannot PREVENT him from making choices.
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Old 06-12-2019, 10:18 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Many addiction specialists have said for years that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, itís connection. Aís canít connect in healthy ways but that doesnít mean we as the loved ones cannot.
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Old 06-13-2019, 02:13 PM   #14 (permalink)
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well found out today that he stopped getting the vivitrol shot.. Said can't afford the uber to the doctor to get it and they hit a nerve the last time and his leg was affected for over a month. Decided not to get it again...
then found out through an acquaintance in the area he lives that he had drank again at the end of May . I have no clue if that means he is actively drinking now or not.
Heart is broken but I kind of had a bad feeling about it.
I just don't know when he will "get it".
I told my husband we need to remove him from our health insurance by November. He doesn't want to....
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Old 06-14-2019, 06:01 PM   #15 (permalink)
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well found out today that he stopped getting the vivitrol shot.. Said can't afford the uber to the doctor to get it and they hit a nerve the last time and his leg was affected for over a month. Decided not to get it again...
then found out through an acquaintance in the area he lives that he had drank again at the end of May . I have no clue if that means he is actively drinking now or not.
Heart is broken but I kind of had a bad feeling about it.
I just don't know when he will "get it".
I told my husband we need to remove him from our health insurance by November. He doesn't want to....
Forgot to add that he drank without me even telling him about the dog passing or his grandpa's heart attack.... Didn't need my bad news to drink.

Just so disheartening. Like someone mentioned in another post.. hopefully each time he was in treatment he picked up something that he can resort to for help. I pray he will soon think enough of himself to dig deep and get sober. I know he can be an amazing young man in recovery. Just hope he gives himself the chance.
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Old 06-17-2019, 12:32 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I learned a helpful mantra: I'm powerless over people, places and things. And, it's none of my business what anyone else does. He has his own path, his own higher power, and there's nothing you can say or do that will keep him from drinking.
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Old 06-17-2019, 02:29 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Forgot to add that he drank without me even telling him about the dog passing or his grandpa's heart attack.... Didn't need my bad news to drink.
Yep, he will drink or not drink according to his own schedule/path. This isn't about you and it doesn't matter what you do . . . . except . . . . backing off and taking care of your own problems. This makes a difference at least to you and might even to him.

Big hug Humming. This is tough stuff.
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