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Happiness within Yourself

Old 11-22-2004, 05:57 AM
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Happiness within Yourself

I think I'm finally understanding the saying "you have to find happiness within yourself." These last 2 days I've done a lot of thinking - not really feeling to perky either.

I'm trying really hard to light my own fire of happiness without any luck. So, I'm turning to you for suggestions.

I seem to have a very low self esteem. I feel I can't do anything right and nothing I do is good enough. I compare what I have to what others have and of course everything I've worked so hard for is not good enough. Why do I put myself down? Why do I feel like nothing is good enough. I have a lot I SHOULD be proud of.

My happiness usually comes from a feeling I get from others. Lately though, I've been lonely, really lonely. I have no one to talk to and when I do get company, all I do is find fault in them - and I'm sure they're getting the impression that I'm putting my "nose up at them". They are living their life and enjoying it, so why do I feel like my pathetic life is better than theirs. I really need to humble myself.

I'm starting to feel depressed and I can't seem to snap out of it.

This probably makes no sense whatsoever, but if anyone can help me to decifer it, please I'm open to any suggestions.
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Old 11-22-2004, 06:17 AM
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what are some things that u like to do alone? or what have u enjoyed doing in the past? start with a hobby and figure out your strengths and what makes u happy. also u might want to check out an al anon meeting or CODA.
i just started with al anon and i see i have lots of work to do but i feel better just that i am attending those meetings.
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Old 11-22-2004, 06:29 AM
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Jessica -
It makes perfect sense to me. I've been trying to figure out the same thing. I have found that, for me, the only way I can increase my self-esteem to is do things that make me proud of myself. I have to earn my own self-respect back.

I think it's very common for our self-esteem to suffer when we've been with an A for so long.

I have been trying to sharing more of my feelings and my life with my girls.
I have been trying to establish a closer relationship with my parents.
I have begun to expect more of the people I choose to include in my life - I deserve to be treated with respect.
I take pride in my appearance and pay more attention to the way I look.

I think that if I model the actions of a person who respects herself, I will become a person who respects herself. Fake it till I make it.
Hugs - L
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Old 11-22-2004, 07:21 AM
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This all seemed to start Saturday morning when my AH came over to help on this wooden swingset I building for our kids. He was telling me about a house he was in the process of buying (first I heard of this). He's getting it for a steal. It's a big house with 3 bedrooms, 1 and 1/2 baths, big living room, big dining room and kitchen. Detached garage, nice backyard, etc., etc. He said he needs three more paychecks for the closing and he's about ready to get laid off so he's trying to figure something out to make this work. Then he starts talking about how he's working on fixing his credit. (Why couldn't he do all this 3 years ago? - He blames me for him not being allowed to do anything.)

I started comparing my house to this one and started getting envious that he could come across something nicer than mine and in a better neighborhood. I really started bumming myself out. How can things be going so well with him? His credit, I started comparing that to mine - mine is suffering because of everything I went through with him. I've managed to improve it with him still being there and even after he moved out. Why is this bothering me so much? He's doing things on his own, just like I've wanted - so now, why is what I have not good enough for me?

Then, when we were working on the swingset, I got upset because I couldn't line up the wood for ladder right. I started crying and even commented, "I can't even do this right."

The swingset is no longer MY accomplishment because he helped me - which I am greatful, don't get me wrong... I couldn't have done a lot of it without his help because I just don't have his strength. But I felt better when I knew I was doing it - without help. (No one thought I could do it.)

Last edited by JessicaNAJ; 11-22-2004 at 08:46 AM.
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Old 11-22-2004, 07:28 AM
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Self Esteem is a issue that I share with you. Sometimes we need counceling to find out why we see ourselves as not good enough. I personally think it is because we have been programed that way most if not all of our lives. I know I was doing everything for everyone just so I got that feeling that I was good that I was worth something. Eventually I had to "step out of myself" and look back at what I really was. I envisioned myself as someone else asking my opinion about me. I didn't like some of the things I saw but I did like most of the things I saw. I started recognizing the good things about myself in myself. If I had met me (with everything we have in common) I would have become that persons best friend. I'm not trying to sound self centered here but that was one way that I managed to work on my self esteem. I met me.

As far as comparing yourself to others - Sometimes we naturally as a defense mechanism have to find something wrong with someone else so that we can say to ourselves "see look we aren't so bad" our A's do this all the time. But when we work on our self esteem our self love, that need goes away.

I hope this made sense. I hope it helps some.

Hugs and Prayers,
Ms. B
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Old 11-22-2004, 07:31 AM
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Good morning, Jessica. I know how you're feeling... I've been in the same place. All I can do is say is how I'm handling it. It's different for everyone. I go to church and I read the Recovery Bible NIV which helps me work the 12 steps through the Bible passages. It actually takes you through the steps and gives you study guides throughout the Bible. I'm getting a lot out of it. It's also easier to read than the King James version.

I exercise, which helps my mental and physical health a lot ... When I start comparing myself to others, I mentally kick myself to stop it. There are millions of people in this world and some have less and some have more. I won't value myself based on others. I'm trying to value myself by becoming the person that I want to be. Sometimes I succeed... sometimes I don't.

Are you working the steps? If you don't go to Alanon (I don't) there are a ton of 12 step books out there. Writing in a journal helps a lot for me too.

Do something nice for yourself today. Take care and God Bless...
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Old 11-22-2004, 07:46 AM
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You are upset because of everything you went through all the hell and it seems like he is the one who ended up with the reward. It's not fair. But hun you are projecting his happiness. Things don't make us happy. Things are like drugs themselves, they give us temporary good feelings. I mean step back and look at this a min. He's getting this wonderful deal in a great neighborhood. OK why is it such a good deal? Could it be about to fall down from termites? Maybe. He's about to loose his job. Will he even be able to keep it? Dought it. Can he even really get it? I kind of feel like he can't. Could he possibly be trying to make you feel bad? Like see what I can do without you? Most probably. Or worse is the next line "I just need a little bit here to pull this thing togeather, can you help?

Now look at what you are doing. The swingset IS YOUR accomplishment! You did it. Just because someone lent you their hands for a few seconds doesn't mean it isn't you doing it. If you use the hammer or the screw driver to help put it togeather does that mean the hammer or screw driver was what put it togeather? No they were a tool just as you needed a little extra muscle as a tool. YOU DID THE WHOLE JOB.

does any of this help?

Hugs and prayers,
Ms. B
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Old 11-22-2004, 09:46 AM
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You know - there are always people out there that seem to fall in a pile of crap and still come out smelling like roses! Seems to me that your AH is one of them (as well as mine). Believe me, I know it's frustrating.
And let me tell you something you already know (a gentle reminder), okay? No matter what you do, where you go, etc - there will always be someone that is better than you at something in this world. You are not perfect, and you need to stop expecting yourself to be. Maybe someone has nicer things than you, but does that guarantee happiness? NO! Maybe someone drives a nicer car than you? Are they happier? NO! And they get to pay a higher payment and have higher insurance! LOL
There's always that saying about no one knows what really happens behind closed doors and that saying could not be more true! Just because a person has "things" surely doesn't mean they have love, respect, happiness, joy, and most of all appreciation! I'm sure there are many people out there that would love to have what you have and would be highly envious of you!
As for picking people apart and finding fault with them - is it jealousy perhaps? Or maybe you are realizing that you have grown enough that it's time to move on and leave some of these people behind. I know that I've let go of a lot of people that were in my life. They were negative, toxic, or we simply had grown apart, etc. I surround myself with people that I want to be with, that care about me, that I want and enjoy being with, etc. I'm more choosy now as to who I want in my life.
Perhaps doing your self inventory step will help you to overcome all these feelings and things you are realizing. Now that you see them, it's up to you to change them.
Another thing (since I tend to be on a roll here, lol), you should be proud of that swingset. You may not have done it alone, but you were a part of it! And you made sure that it got done. Asking and also accepting help from others has been a huge step for me. I was the independant one that did everything, sacrificed everything, etc. and I've come to realize that those that love and care about me love to help me. They felt rejected when I wouldn't allow them to give. You may not have done it alone Jessica - but you did do it! We all fail sometimes, but you know what I've come to realize, for me anyways? I at least made an effort! And trying - doing something! is better than nothing!
Don't be so hard on yourself for the things you feel aren't good enough - look at your accomplishments. You know you have a lot to be proud of! If you want to have a happy life - you have to live it! Bask in the joy of it! Enjoy your life!
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