Transition/Situation Update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
Transition/Situation Update
Hello, I thought I would post an update on my situation and transition. The kids and I have been in the new place for 3 weeks now but the moving process is still underway. It’s amazing how much stuff you collect - literally and metaphorically- in a 20 year marriage.
AH will be moving out of the house this month and then we will have a more regular visitation schedule which will allow me to start attending meetings again. Part of the reason I haven’t been going because it’s just been so hectic. I do realize this is the time when I most need to go. I’m going to make it a higher priority in coming days.
When I go back to the house most days to gather more things to move over, I still feel compelled to look in the recycle cans to see how much he has drank. I usually find a new empty wine bottle and six empty cans/bottles or a new 12-pack of empty bottles or a couple of new wine bottles. And I do the little calculation that I do - well that was about 12 drinks in one evening so yeah, that was heavy drinking, but was it really that much? Is he really an alcoholic or just a heavy drinker? Did I make a mistake?! Am I really just the one who is uptight and paranoid? Then I stop. I breathe. And I try to bring the focus back to me, my kids, and our path ahead. I guess this is partly how I experience codependency.
The loss of a 20 year relationship has been the most painful thing and I still grieve. But even though I still look for bottles when I go back to the house, I can say that my day-to-day angst - that sharp anger and knot in my stomach that I used to get every time he drinks - is basically gone, leaving me room for a more peaceful day to day existence. And i I am grateful for this.
AH will be moving out of the house this month and then we will have a more regular visitation schedule which will allow me to start attending meetings again. Part of the reason I haven’t been going because it’s just been so hectic. I do realize this is the time when I most need to go. I’m going to make it a higher priority in coming days.
When I go back to the house most days to gather more things to move over, I still feel compelled to look in the recycle cans to see how much he has drank. I usually find a new empty wine bottle and six empty cans/bottles or a new 12-pack of empty bottles or a couple of new wine bottles. And I do the little calculation that I do - well that was about 12 drinks in one evening so yeah, that was heavy drinking, but was it really that much? Is he really an alcoholic or just a heavy drinker? Did I make a mistake?! Am I really just the one who is uptight and paranoid? Then I stop. I breathe. And I try to bring the focus back to me, my kids, and our path ahead. I guess this is partly how I experience codependency.
The loss of a 20 year relationship has been the most painful thing and I still grieve. But even though I still look for bottles when I go back to the house, I can say that my day-to-day angst - that sharp anger and knot in my stomach that I used to get every time he drinks - is basically gone, leaving me room for a more peaceful day to day existence. And i I am grateful for this.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi PerSe
One day at a time. Yes, getting to meetings can really help, especially through this. Pray, let go, let God work out how and when the meetings will work out for you. Sometimes I find extra meeting ideas or sometimes it's the right person on my path during the day, in person or by phone. ((((hugs))))
Hang in there! You're doing a lot of good things.
One day at a time. Yes, getting to meetings can really help, especially through this. Pray, let go, let God work out how and when the meetings will work out for you. Sometimes I find extra meeting ideas or sometimes it's the right person on my path during the day, in person or by phone. ((((hugs))))
Hang in there! You're doing a lot of good things.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Wow PerSe, you have such strength. My relationship was only 6yrs, and only the last 2 involved drinking. I'm empowered by your self-preservation and self-love.
Your kids must think you're a superhero! It's amazing the examples people set when they put themselves first. Stay strong and know that there's a gang of us out there, crying, second-guessing ourselves, feeling the loneliness and uncertainty of the future. We've got your back!
Your kids must think you're a superhero! It's amazing the examples people set when they put themselves first. Stay strong and know that there's a gang of us out there, crying, second-guessing ourselves, feeling the loneliness and uncertainty of the future. We've got your back!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Yes I can relate and to grieving the loss of a 20 year marriage.
I tend to think back thinking that I made a mistake but then I think about how peaceful my new house is and I don’t have that knot in my stomach all the time. I actually play with my dogs now and it feels good.
Only time I get that know anymore is when I have to be around him.
Trust youraelf, you did the right thing. Allow yourself to grieve. You will be okay!
I tend to think back thinking that I made a mistake but then I think about how peaceful my new house is and I don’t have that knot in my stomach all the time. I actually play with my dogs now and it feels good.
Only time I get that know anymore is when I have to be around him.
Trust youraelf, you did the right thing. Allow yourself to grieve. You will be okay!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
PerSe…..It sounds so simple and old-fashioned to say...but, I will, because, I know, from experience, it is true......Time and Space away from the situation brings acceptance and healing.....
You have not completely let go enough to really grieve, in my opinion....More space and time will give you that opportunity.....
Don't expect it to be overnight and just a clean cut....but, it surely will come in measures.....as you grow into your new normal....
You have not completely let go enough to really grieve, in my opinion....More space and time will give you that opportunity.....
Don't expect it to be overnight and just a clean cut....but, it surely will come in measures.....as you grow into your new normal....
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