Lack of empathy
 

I've been absent from here of late. A very sick family member nearly died and I have cried many tears in the last few weeks. (He's on the v slow and long road to recovery now).
Anyway, on 2 occasions when i have been very distressed, once about the family member, and anorher in response to a very provocative story AH told me, AH has frozen. There has been no hug, no hand on mine, no offering of tissues.
I am not surprised at AH's complete lack of empathy. But by gosh it's hurtful.
i have wonderful siblings and coworkers so have lots of support, so i am ok. Just completely frustrated that another human being can't step out of themselves long enough to give even a small gesture of support.

Wombaticus…..I. personally, have very strong feelings on this kind of behavior....withholding compassion, concern and comfort in the wake of another's grief and pain....
I consider it a very passive-aggressive act of hostility or aggression. It may be "invisible" , due to it's very passive nature...but, it cuts like a sword.

I divorced my first husband for that very reason...even with three small children....
I knew that this kind of behavior would suck all of the spirit from my bones and destroy my children if I didn't remove it from our home....
I have never regretted that decision...and, my adult kids say that they are so glad that I made that decision, for all of our welfare....

Hi Wombaticus,

It sounds like a lot had been going on, including some good things. Your family member is healing/recovering?

I find it even more disturbing that your husband told you some kind of story that brought on this kind of distress. It's okay to walk away from ill relationships to have space for healing, whether it's for a few days once in a while or longer chunks of time.

((((hugs))))

thanks Dandylion. I am now at the point in my recovery where i can see it for what it is. Ironically, their withholding of love results in them losing out on that very same thing. Yes, its very hostile. I am very thankful there is no violence. But for the sake of my kids, i need to wrap this relationship up sooner rather than later. Teenager already sees what is going on. He's remarkably resilient, but this situation is not fair on him or the younger one.

thanks Mango. He's recovering from heart surgery following a severe strep infection- nasty stuff. Still in hospital, but hopefully home next week.
AHs story was about something I consider pretty weird and out there - against my moral views i guess you could say.. I am no prude, and have a very open mind about social issues, politics, religion, etc etc, but I have a line, and it was crossed.
I freaked because it confirned that we may be so different in our views that we just can't sustain our situation any more , with or without active recovery.
Alcohol, time, and lack of communication has destroyed our relationship. I can look back and see many times when my distress has been blamed on many different and varied factors. Its mainly been used against me to point out how crazy I am. Well, no more I say. I am allowed to have feelings, and be distressed. These are normal human behaviours that when responded to with kindness, can be eased.

I was at the therapist with husband.
I was crying and it was the therapist that handed me tissues though husband was sitting right next to them. H lack of empathy is about him and not about me. The lack of empathy is what is driving a wedge in our marriage even though he is sober.
There has been so many examples of lack of empathy. One can not teach empathy. A person either has that gene or they don't.

I was in your AH’s shoes with my XRAH but probably not for the same reasons. His touch would make me cringe and I just had so much resentment that I could not be there for him, and probably part of that was that I did not want to give him an inch in fear that he would take that as a sign that I was coming around and take a mile so to speak. The year after rehab, his dad died, his sponsor died and his close friend and collègue died. I couldn’t even give him a hug. I know it would have been fake and it felt completely wrong. Not really sure it would’ve given him much comfort that way anyway. However in all of our years of marriage until about the last year before he went to rehab I was always there for him, first in line to support him. I am not a super emotional person anyway (not brought up in the US and my family was far from emotional) but I normally can be there for people and give them a hug etc, normal stuff.
Has your AH always been that way or is this relatively new? I cannot remember if he is in recovery or not. I know my ex was always pretty emotional when he had been drinking. If your AH has quit drinking but isn’t working a program that may explain a lot as well. My ex was not fun to be around when he was sober but wasn’t doing any sort of treatment.
I’m glad you have support outside of your husband at least but can understand you are frustrated by his lack of empathy

Stil drinking...not in recovery, never has been. We're going away for a holiday this week. Its always a time when he drinks a lot so we shall see how it goes.
He hasn't always been like this. He comes from (adopted by) a fairly emotion-free family, but was treated very well. Was always fairly affectionate and a good listener.
It's almost like he sees emotion as a weakness, or form of mental illness. In contrast, I have good friends who will sit with me and drink tea, and listen to me talk. His body language tells me he just doesn't want to listen. He'd prefer to be on his phone or watching tv. How dull.

When I learned to let go of expectations I freed myself up from lots of disappointment. Be grateful for the supportive people around you -- they sound like a treasure -- and stop expecting it from the alcoholic.

Reminds me of the expression----"Going tp the hardware store expecting to buy fresh baked bread"...….

Lol. Yes.
Changing expectations does mean that a bit more of your relationship dies, while others get strengthened.

I am sorry to say this, but I believe it will all I am. Lack of empathy is a sign of a sociopath. I base this on research about my XAH because he completely lacks the ability to have empathy for others.

At first I would think he's the op's spouse so yes there should be something. Then again some people don't know how to interpret certain situations but he's her husband. Share and share alike including events and hard times.

But alcoholics and addicts already being selfish I would lean to there probably being some sociopathic tendencies if not a complete sociopath

My ex husband was like this. I should have read the signs better from the beginning. He didn't change. Alcohol wasn't our issue, but I couldn't get over his robot/unemotional/don't care attitude. Made me feel so much less as a woman.

Hope things get better for you <3

expectations are the egg. resentments are the chicken.