My son is an alcoholic
 

Hi, Brand new here and needing help....

My son admitted to his girlfriend and my husband (not to me) today that he has a "problem with alcohol". He is 23 and does not live at home, but works in the family business....well at least he did before he went on his latest binge. What do I do (if anything) to help him?

CRoy,

So glad you are here. There are many folks here who ask the same question and the answer you will see over and over, is that there is nothing you can do to help him, he has to help himself. What you can do for yourself is learn everything possible about alcoholism and what co-dependence is. Most of us here are here because we have a loved on who is a alcoholic and we are co-dependent.

There are many wise and thougthful folks as well as great and useful posts. I wish you luck on your journey. You are not alone in your struggles.

Peace,
Petunia

croy

I have a daughter who is an alcoholic and drug addict and it is the most difficult thing we have ever had to go through. I say we because we know she is not happy and she is hurting inside. In going to al-anon meetings we have accepted the fact that there is nothing we or anybody can do. They have to want the help themselves. Maybe if your son talked to his girlfriend and dad they can suggest AA and let him take it from there.

Just keep loving him through it all!

Frustrated1

(((croy))) It's so hard to see your kids go through this. My son is doing drugs and drinking but he lives in Tucson and I'm in Colorado so I don't know how much. All I know is what I hear from my exH. I haven't heard from him since Aug. when I told him I couldn't send him any money and he couldn't come here to live. He probably hates me right now but he's gotten to this point because my exH and myself enabled him. We didn't let him face the consequences of his actions. Now all I can do is pray that he recovers and like Petunia says, learn all I can about the disease.

Keep posting and let us know how it goes. God bless.

First welcome to SR!!

There is alot you can do...for you. You can get educated about alcoholism and the effect it can have on your son and your family. You can learn about what you do and do not have control over. You can learn to be supportive without giving in to the urge to try to fix it.

He is an adult who is concerned about his own drinking. He needs to be the one to call the shots about what he will do about it.

Make yourself at home!
Hugs,
JT

son
 

Can someone please help me here? I just found this message board today and I'm desperate to join in...but I don't know how. I didn't know if I should start a new thread or continue on this one. My son is driving me over the edge and I could really use some advice.
Even if I wanted to start a 'new' thread' I don't know how. hehe
Thanks so much....Sandy

for Shammy
 

You will probably get more responses if you start a new thread. Just go back to the Friends & Family listing and press the 'New Thread' button on the bottom.

I'm new here too. It's my husband with the alcohol problem so I don't have much practical advice for you --and to be honest, I'm fairly lost myself. I have seen quite a few posts from Mom's plus I think a lot of the advice fits no matter the relationship. Good Luck!

For MaryNot
 

Thank you so much for your guidance. I'm sure hoping to learn some things here...that I probably should have learned years ago. Thanks again and I hope things go well for you.

Thank you
 

Thank you all. I pretty much know there isn't much I can do, it's just frustrating seeing him go through this. My father and exH are alcoholics and I know how it can distroy ones life (and the lives of those around you). To complicate matters, the girlfriend (who I thought would be a voice of reason to my son) just turned 21 last night and was badgering my son to go out drinking. To his credit he told her he didn't want to go and that he hasn't drank for two days now.

He'll be over today (Thanksgiving). I wish I could make him see that he has so much potential and that alcohol will just be a roadblock for him. Guess I'm looking for the magical words to make him stop. If only those words existed.... :sigh:

croy
 

I just read your post and thought to myself..wow..at least he did admit to someone that he has a problem. I've been through hell and back with my son since he was 15 (he's now 32) and he has YET to admit that he has a problem. Maybe it's a first step insomuch as he has admitted it...I don't know.
Just my thoughts when I compare the denial coming from mine. Perhaps his girlfriend doesn't realize the seriousness in what he's telling her. I'm so glad he said NO. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Sammy and Croy
 

My heart goes out to both of you.

Let me tell you what my parents did for me. It was harsh but it was what this alkie needed.

In January of 1979, after I had spent the holidays with them at their home in Florida they told me in no uncertain terms that I had a problem and they could no longer deal with it. That if I called they would hang up on me and if I came to door it would be closed in my face. Harsh??? yes. Tough Love??? You Bet!!!!!

It took me until June of 1981 to hit my bottom, and it was quite a bottom, living the streets and finally ending up seizuring in the hospital and my heart stopping.

But, it was what this alcoholic needed to do for me. I am happy to say that I have been continuously sober and clean since June 7, 1981.

My parents and I in my sobriety were able to renew our bond and form a better one than we had ever had before.

Yes, it was harsh, but somehow they had figured out without Alanon that they could not help me, that I MUST HELP MYSELF. I thank my HP daily for the incite that was given to them.

Now, I have to admit that at the time they did this, I became very hateful and resentful and it just verified what my sick mind had been telling me that my parents never had cared for me, roflmao, but you see that was King Alcohol telling me that so that I could continue to use and abuse alcohol and drugs.

Take yourselves to alanon, and work the steps for you. Unfortunately as much as you would like to help them, nothing you can do will get them sober, and nothing you can do will get them drunk.

I know it is hard, but alanon will help you and will meet others that are in the same boat you are so you will not be walking this path alone.

I will add you and your families to my daily prays.

Love and (((((hugs))))) to all,

laurie
 

WOW Laurie..Thank you. What a powerful message. The Al Anon meeting in our area takes place next Saturday at 6:00. I can visualize me running to get into the door first. Here's my immediate problem. I told him last Sunday I was mad as he** at him and didn't want to see or hear from him until I"M ready and he just said okay. And for some reason I'm just fine with that right now.
We have a family gathering coming up this weekend and it includes his little daughter (my darling granddaughter), that we only get to see every other weekend. Besides my husband and I are the ones who have to "pick her up and deliver her to his place" as per court order. Any advice you can give me would be soooo helpful. And this is the part that pi**es me off to no end! Why can't he understand how many people are affected by this?? Do I ignore him like he's 'invisible'. I honestly don't know how to handle this one. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts..I soooo need them right now!

Shammy
 

In my humble opinion you need to set some boundaries and make them very clear to this son of yours.

The main one should be that you will continue to pick up and deliver your granddaughter, however, if you have even the slightest sense that he is not sober, or smells of alcohol, or acts as if he has even had one, that you will NOT LEAVE THE CHILD WITH HIM and he will not be accepted in your home.

The only problem with setting boundaries of any kind is you must be willing to stand by them. To "Say what you mean, and Mean what you say."

Only you can decide what behavior of his will be allowed in your presence or in your home.

Please feel free to contact me any time thru private message and I will give you my email address.

I don't always have the answers, lmao, but certainly have broad shoulders and can be a "venting board" for you.

Love and (((((to all))))) to all,

laurie
 

Laurie..again thank you. And I know what you mean about our granddaughter. Up until the summer of last year he was living with us (for the hundredth time in his life),so the little one was basically with us as well. When he moved last summer it was because he met a women and moved in with her. She's a wonderful person and my granddaughter is well taken care of...for now. I don't know how long this relationship will last because she's the one who called me last Saturday crying so hard and revealed that he'd been lying to me 'again'. I find myself thinking..what will I do then about the little one. But then I have to remind myself that I need to live for today. I'll cross that bridge if and when I get to it. For now I'm handing it over to my HP. Okay here's where I feel foolish..not only am I new to all this stuff, I'm really new to a computer. Just about illiterate. I don't know how to pm you. Can you teach me that too. hehehehe ROTFLMAO...and I really needed to laugh at myself today. Thank you and thanks for the hugs..back to you(()))