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Old 11-21-2004, 07:22 PM
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what to do

My hubby and I have been together for 12 years now, and for at least half that time I've known deep down that he is an alcoholic. And in this past year he has admitted to being an alcoholic but doesn't want to do anything about it. He doesn't think theres anything wrong with it, and I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.
He's a good man, he works and never calls in sick and has had this job for 3 years now. He did lose his job before this due to drinking while on the clock, and he's not really the violent type, he's been physical with me 3 times in 12 years, 2 of those times I was drunk too which made matters worse. One time the neighbors called the police because of the fighting, and the police gave HIM the abuse info and treated me as the abuser.
We are raising 3 kids together ages 15, 13 and 9 and he's an ok father, when he feels like it. Most days he comes home from work and plugs right into the video game or the computer with his beer and only acknowledges them when the are in the room ( game and computer are in my bedroom ) He likes to rough house with them, but when he's had to much to drink he gets a little rough.
He drinks everyday, he tries to lie to me about how much but I know its always more than he admits to. He's drinking before and during work, and has been questioned about it from his boss at least 3 times now, but it didn't stop him from continuing to do so. He doesn't hesitate to drink and drive, he always has an open beer in the truck. We were in a bad acciedent 2 years ago, my oldest daughter had to spend the night in the hospital. At the time I didn't think it was his fault, after all the other driver and his insurance company agrred that it was 100% his fault. But now that I realize that I can't tell anymore just how drunk he is, I'm beginning to wonder if it was his fault.
He's tangoed with the police 3 times since that acciendent, the first 2 times he was told to stay put, don't drink anymore and not drive for a couple hours, no report or anything, they didn't even take down his drivers info. So now he feels he can get out of anything. Then last night he was on his way out to the country to go hunting at his friends cabin, he got a little lost and pulled over to look at the map. A police car came up next to him and before he knew it he was being given sobriety testing, which he failed. He blew 3 points over on the breathalizer. I thought for sure with it being a Saturday that he'd be in jail all weekend, which in my mind would have been a good thing, he needed a wake up call. But that didn't happen, they gave him a court date and let his friend pick him and the truck up. So now to him it was just a slap on the wrist. The cop told him he won't loose his license because its his first time ( it wasn't but they keep letting him off!!) all he would have to do is pay a fine and go to dwi classes.
So there is really no punishment for him, the kids and I will be the ones suffering the punishment. He has to pay for a lawyer, there goes our christmas this year.
This is where I don't agree with some of the al-anon advice. We're not suppose to get angry when our A's mess up, we're not suppose to bring it up or yell about it. But if I don't do or say anything, then he feels he's getting off without a hitch, scott free so it happens over and over.
Wow I just realized how long this post is, thank you for letting me vent. Any advice?
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Old 11-21-2004, 07:33 PM
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This is where I don't agree with some of the al-anon advice. We're not suppose to get angry when our A's mess up, we're not suppose to bring it up or yell about it. But if I don't do or say anything, then he feels he's getting off without a hitch, scott free so it happens over and over.
Getting angry doesn't help either of you. AlAnon advice is for you. getting angry doesn't do you any good.

Now the letting him off scott free? That is where boundaries come into play.
Setting them and enforcing them. You can set boundaries all day long, if they are not enforced... he would get off scott free. The police are not holding the boundaries that the law has set. Are you holding the boundaries you have set?
Look over the steps. See what you can do for you. Keep yourself in the correct emotional level you need to be and evaluate your set boundaries you have for his behavior.
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Old 11-21-2004, 09:28 PM
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I agree with Best.

I think we sometimes get confused about what we should and shouldn't do b/c we (at least I was) are used to yelling, threatening, trying to shame, giving the silent treatment etc. and we're not supposed to do that.

But we CAN set boundaries...of what is and is not acceptable to us, and they must be enforced or there is no value in having any.

His actions DO affect you (Christmas), so a boundary could be something like telling him if he chooses to drink and drive again then the consequence will be __________. but don't state a boundary unless you're prepared to follow thru, otherwise it becomes an empty threat.

All the best, please let us know how you're doing.

((hugs))
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Old 11-22-2004, 08:02 PM
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Thank you for your replies, and thank you for having such a helpful site!
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