feeling guilty today
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Thank you....
I absolutely understand that 9 months is not a long time, and don't count on him being sober forever. His longest period of sobriety in the past was 9 months, but that 9 months was horrible, and he was *almost* just as nasty as he was when he was drinking. I put up with it then, thinking, well, at least it's a little better. But I wouldn't this time. The changes in him this time are quite amazing to me, and surprising. We did have an argument the other morning, but that has not been the norm for us since he's been back at the house. He consistently reacts much differently now to the things that would have sent him into a rage in the past. But again, I do know that things can turn at any time.
He's on Probation, and will be for two more years. He's taking a DV class (for the second time) and I think it's been helpful for him (this time). He's also randomly alcohol testing, and there is a "no harassment" order in place. I have no problems calling probation or the Sheriff's Department when/if things go south, and he knows that.
But eventually he won't be on Probation anymore, and yes, I worry things will start to change after that. I believe I will be able to sense when a relapse is coming....
My MIL just bought a house down the street from us and she plans to move there when she retires in October. I was horrified when I first learned this (she and I have had our ups and downs...) but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it could be a good thing when it comes to thinking ahead and planning for the worst. He'll have a place to GO now, that's still in town, if/when he starts again. Not that it's my responsibility to worry about his housing, but at least that couldn't be used an excuse.
Or, my kids will have a very nearby safe place to go if needed.
I guess my hope is that he can remain sober, and our household can remain calm and non toxic, at least for the next couple of years while he is on Probation, and that this can be a healing time for my boys... It's better for them to have a few good years than none.. that's my thinking anyway.
I absolutely understand that 9 months is not a long time, and don't count on him being sober forever. His longest period of sobriety in the past was 9 months, but that 9 months was horrible, and he was *almost* just as nasty as he was when he was drinking. I put up with it then, thinking, well, at least it's a little better. But I wouldn't this time. The changes in him this time are quite amazing to me, and surprising. We did have an argument the other morning, but that has not been the norm for us since he's been back at the house. He consistently reacts much differently now to the things that would have sent him into a rage in the past. But again, I do know that things can turn at any time.
He's on Probation, and will be for two more years. He's taking a DV class (for the second time) and I think it's been helpful for him (this time). He's also randomly alcohol testing, and there is a "no harassment" order in place. I have no problems calling probation or the Sheriff's Department when/if things go south, and he knows that.
But eventually he won't be on Probation anymore, and yes, I worry things will start to change after that. I believe I will be able to sense when a relapse is coming....
My MIL just bought a house down the street from us and she plans to move there when she retires in October. I was horrified when I first learned this (she and I have had our ups and downs...) but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it could be a good thing when it comes to thinking ahead and planning for the worst. He'll have a place to GO now, that's still in town, if/when he starts again. Not that it's my responsibility to worry about his housing, but at least that couldn't be used an excuse.
Or, my kids will have a very nearby safe place to go if needed.
I guess my hope is that he can remain sober, and our household can remain calm and non toxic, at least for the next couple of years while he is on Probation, and that this can be a healing time for my boys... It's better for them to have a few good years than none.. that's my thinking anyway.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by dandylion 
another thought that I have....I believe that our Western Culture is heavy on blaming the mother for everything....we are big on "mother's guilt".....
I think that we mothers...all of us mothers, walk through life feeling an extra satlmill of guilt around our necks....
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
I get blamed constantly.
“another thought that I have....I believe that our Western Culture is heavy on blaming the mother for everything....we are big on "mother's guilt".....
I think that we mothers...all of us mothers, walk through life feeling an extra satlmill of guilt around our necks....l
“another thought that I have....I believe that our Western Culture is heavy on blaming the mother for everything....we are big on "mother's guilt".....
I think that we mothers...all of us mothers, walk through life feeling an extra satlmill of guilt around our necks....l
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My XAH drank while on probation, and then immediately the day he came off probation spun into very heavy use again. I was too weak to call his probation officer, in hind sight, wow I wish I would have.
Only time can tell. As always, prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
Only time can tell. As always, prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Kboys do you have a therapist? A lot of your questions/concerns are great jumping off points for starting therapy. I was really frightened after my divorce that my kids were damaged and I wanted to do the best for them - one of the best things I did for them was get help for MYSELF!
Boy did I have some warped thinking going on and I had been raising them for 7 years in a dysfunctional family dynamic that I had to sort out for myself so I wouldn't continue it or repeat it ever again. That was some of the best therapy of my life. Painful but I grew a lot. And I loved having that weekly completely objective support and focus.
Peace,
B.
Boy did I have some warped thinking going on and I had been raising them for 7 years in a dysfunctional family dynamic that I had to sort out for myself so I wouldn't continue it or repeat it ever again. That was some of the best therapy of my life. Painful but I grew a lot. And I loved having that weekly completely objective support and focus.
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Thanks B...
I did have a therapist last year for about 6 months. She moved. I was bummed. She referred me to a different therapist, who was pregnant and soon to be on leave...so I guess that was my excuse for not initiating. But I suppose she is probably back from leave by now. Would be nice to have that again
I did have a therapist last year for about 6 months. She moved. I was bummed. She referred me to a different therapist, who was pregnant and soon to be on leave...so I guess that was my excuse for not initiating. But I suppose she is probably back from leave by now. Would be nice to have that again
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I know it all feels overwhelming....and I could really go down the rabbit hole worrying about my boys (who by the way are grown men now and have thrived and have both done therapy themselves at different points!!) It's hard for you because you're also trying to repair/make the partner relationship work...when you're ready I'm sure therapy will be a really great tool/comfort for you with all of it.
Just having someone help me figure out my thinking and have a plan for dealing with stuff and a professional opinion about what was normal and what was a red flag with my kids was so comforting and anxiety-reducing. Kids are truly amazing and thirsty; they really grow and things get better when WE change!
(((((hugs)))))
Peace,
B.
Just having someone help me figure out my thinking and have a plan for dealing with stuff and a professional opinion about what was normal and what was a red flag with my kids was so comforting and anxiety-reducing. Kids are truly amazing and thirsty; they really grow and things get better when WE change!
(((((hugs)))))
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
the 4th promise from codependents anonymous 12 promises
I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.
Your awareness is the key. You are aware of the damage you have done in the past. That means you will not repeat it. If you didn't have that awareness, you would still be doing damage but you wouldn't even know you were doing it.
Another poster shared their mother's denial; "it wasn't that bad"
You have moved beyond denial and justification. You cannot change the past but you can make a brighter future.
You are doing great!!!!
I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.
Your awareness is the key. You are aware of the damage you have done in the past. That means you will not repeat it. If you didn't have that awareness, you would still be doing damage but you wouldn't even know you were doing it.
Another poster shared their mother's denial; "it wasn't that bad"
You have moved beyond denial and justification. You cannot change the past but you can make a brighter future.
You are doing great!!!!
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