Rosie2017

So, it has been a week since I talked to my XAP. Every morning, I wake up and thank him out loud for respecting my boundaries - there were many times in the past when he would randomly show up unannounced at my door, and while I never opened it, the stress of hearing him ringing and banging was really difficult to take. These past few days, I am welcoming the silence.

And in that silence, there have been a whole bunch of different emotions: sadness and discomfort mostly. He took up so much space in my life and now there feels like there is a gaping hole - I'm not quite sure what to do with myself at times. This morning, I also woke up with plenty of anger, aimed at him and myself. He had asked to borrow money back in April and I had given it to him - he wasn't drinking at that point and I naively believed him when he told me it was to cover an emergency. How could I have been so stupid? After 6 years - why wasn't I willing to see the signs that he was headed for a relapse? Why did I give him money when I need it for myself and my children (he is not their father). I am trying to be kind to myself and compassionate, but man, I'm upset.

When I joined SR, I had planned to start attending Al-Anon meetings, when XAP got sober again, I dropped those plans. This morning, a little voice inside me reminded me that it might be a REALLY good idea to revisit this plan. But, I'm dragging my heels, I'm feeling self-conscious, I have no idea how these meetings will add anything to my life.

What can I expect from Al-Anon? How will it add to this journey? Will it help? I meditate, exercise, take such joy from my day to day life. I know I'm on the right path. I also know that I still live in deep, deep fear of alcoholism. It has caused such damage to my life and when I look at my beautiful boys (who are 8 and 10), the thing that terrifies me the most is that they too will become addicts. My father is an alcoholic and I took the decision to stop drinking four years ago because I could see I was using it as a crutch and also because I didn't want to include anything in my life anymore that was capable of such destruction. I'm so, so tired of seeing what it is capable of doing.

I'm rambling. Looking forward to your thoughts. Sending you all much love. xo

Mango212

Hi Rosie,

Since you meditate, that could be a really good place to start with which Al-Anon meeting to go to.

Sometimes it's beneficial to go to one closest or with the best schedule fit. Sometimes it's hitting many to get a different start and feel for more groups. My first home group was a very long drive (became part of the 'taking care of me' routine) and was exactly where I was meant to be.

Trusting healthy instincts and keeping an open mind are transformative.

Making a decision to dive in answered all those kind of questions for myself. Those answers also changed and are still changing as I'm changing.

Mango212

One of the most important concepts of Al-Anon is "take what you like and leave the rest". We tend to get out of it what we need in good right timing. What I first got were nuggets that sometimes came back to me days or weeks later. Getting a sponsor and allowing room for the program to work made for much bigger progress. Baby steps. Easy does it.

atalose

You don’t go to al-anon FOR the alcoholic, you go because someone else’s drinking has affected your life whether they are drinking or not.

Sounds like you grew up with alcoholism and have become comfortable in a sense with all of the toxic issues that arise in a relationship with an alcoholic. We tend to repeat what we know.

I guess I would ask, do you want to continue on this journey with the old road map that you are familiar with or would you like to begin using a new map?

Al-anon can provide you with that new map. And that new map will allow you to bring your children onto new paths, healthier paths along with positive and healthier coping skills.

Something I learned on SR a long time ago that will forever stick with me is……………

Our recovery is like being asked to give up everything we know in order to get something better that we don’t yet understand.

LifeChangeNYC

It took a lot for me to finally step into an Al-Anon meeting... I was at a breaking point... but I'll never forget my first 5 or 6 meetings. I would walk in, sit down, just a few intro words were spoken... I would start tearing up... and it wouldn't stop. Not kidding, I cried the entire time... all 5 meetings or so. My emotions were so raw -- and I felt so safe. Everyone's stories & struggles completely tore at my heart... I broke down and I finally felt like I wasn't alone. Dealing with an addict is extremely isolating and I personally, began to feel insanity kicking in. Al-Anon was worth attending. Not every group was my favorite so I moved around, attended different ones. But was very important for me. Good luck, Rosie!

hopeful4

I went to Celebrate Recovery which is similar to Alanon. I was literally pulled in the door by my arm (lovingly lol) the first time b/c I got there and someone saw me hesitate and grabbed me and talked me into going in. He stayed with me the entire time to make sure I was ok. I second that I felt safe, and very, very loved.

I did not talk, just bawled for about 6 times. Then, I grew stronger and more involved. I can only say that program saved me from some of my darkest days.

Big hugs to you. Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, whatever works for you.

Mango212

Happy Saturday, Rosie.

Nudge. ((((gently))))

Rosie2017

Thank you for the nudges and sharing your experiences - they have helped enormously. This from Atalose really hit home:

Our recovery is like being asked to give up everything we know in order to get something better that we don’t yet understand.

I realized that throughout the ups and the down of the past 6 years, I've never fully let go - my XAP and I would always maintain contact. There would always be a text or a phone call that would bring me back in. I didn't want to let go, wasn't ready to let go. And now, with this latest relapse, I truly am.

I didn't expect to feel as much grief as I do - it has been a true surprise. I cried most of Tuesday. I cried on Wednesday. I cried on Thursday ... and while I was on the bus in the evening, I prayed that I could just make it home before the dam burst. I don't regret my decision to stop all contact, it's the most positive thing that I've done for myself in 6 years. I'm not angry at him - this is his path and those are his choices. But I am so, so sad. I'm sad for the toll this disease has taken on me, on his ex-wife, on his son. I'm sad about having to explain to my boys eventually that he won't be in our lives anymore. I have been hit with the incredible gut-wretching idea that I might not ever see him again, ever. And when my mind goes there, my heart is torn apart. So I choose to bring it back to today. For today - my best decision is not to have any contact with him. For today, I am going to walk in the sunlight and take care of myself. For today, I am going to focus on my amazing goals (I'm back in school, I'm launching a new business I'm taking a vacation with my children, I'm starting yoga again!!!!!). I can't think past today, I am choosing not to. I am choosing to honour myself in all the way that my XAP wasn't equipped to do it. And at some point today, I'll probably have another good cry.

I have to give up my old ways of functioning, if I don't, I'll be sucked back in - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it will happen, the way it's happened for six very long years. This hurts like hell, but I am committed to a new path - one that hopefully can heal my heart and bring me some more peace.

Thank you all for your support. It really means alot.

dandylion

Rossie...it is good to hear you speaking of your resolve.
Right now, it might be helpful for you to google "intermittent reinforcement in psychology".....There is a ton written about it....
It will explain that intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful kind of reinforcement.....It looks, to me, like you have been subjected to intermittently reinforcing your connection to your ex.....
No wonder you have not fully and completely grieved...…
go ahead and cry....crying is a good thing....it is Nature's way of allowing us to express our emotions....it is natural!

LifeChangeNYC

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