sotired77

I was doing ok and then... If you read my last thread, my husband left the house to go to a hotel to drink and I'm proceeding with divorce. I had found my husband's work phone and I told him I would take it to him if he would just tell me what hotel he's staying at. He never answered back. I hadn't heard from him in 2 days so I started to get worried (he's threatened suicide before, has had alcohol poisoning in the past, and has been on the brink of death many times). I was trying to remain calm and just let whatever will happen, happen. But the worry was looming over me. Then today I got a call from his work supervisor. He hadn't heard AH and he was trying to make sure he was ok. This is not normal behavior for AH since he usually at least texts his supervisor that he's not going to work. I started worrying and a dread came over me. I called AH and no answer. I sent a text that I would be calling police to report him missing if he didn't answer. I was a mess, calling everyone to see if he had checked in. No one had heard from him. I was about to call police, when AH called me. He was drunk. He was angry and telling me that I didn't care about him, and that nobody cared about him. He said I had messed him up. He kept yelling profanities at me in a rage and kept crying. I tried to talk him down as best as I could. I was worried he was suicidal and I was just relieved that he is still alive. I was able to calm him down and at least threw the idea out there that there is always hope and that if he wanted to get better, that I would help him. I left it at that. I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm worried he'll die, and I don't even know where he is. My head is spinning. I have a job where I really need to be focused and my kids really need me. I can't have these type of moments. I went to a really good alanon meeting yesterday and it did help, but now it feels like I've taken two steps back. I know I will be ok regardless of what happens, but ugh! Can someone just take over for me?

SparkleKitty

Big hugs, sotired, this stuff is not easy ever and you are deep in the middle of it.

Can you accept that you do not have the power to save him?

SmallButMighty

I'm so sorry you are going through this sotired. I remember all to well the terror of the "what if's" when my AXH was MIA. Nothing quite like that cold grinding gravel in the gut feeling.... I wish I had words that could help, but I don't. Just know that I've been where you are and you have my empathy.

It was me coming to the conclusion that I couldn't spend the remainder of my life in that kind of turmoil that helped me make the decision to leave.

*big hugs*

D122y

Prayers.

It sounds like you at least don't feel in danger at all.

When dealing with an active drunk, we are dealing with an insane person.

If you could get his location you might be able to get a wellness visit from the cops.

But, that may have already happened.

Until he is ready to fight for his life, it is hard to change.

Getting clean hurts for such a long time that really I had to almost get used to the terror before it started to get better.

Thanks.

Mango212

((((hugs))))

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm sorry you're going through this. I get it. I'm glad you have support here and in person. Stay connected to healthy people and take good care of you.

Seren

It's OK to call 911 for a welfare check any time he does something like this. I'm sorry you went through that.

dandylion

Sotired…...I really relate to smallbutmighty's post. And, I think it spells out the bottom line, really.....
You are having your boundaries tested by fire, right now....he is testing/assaulting your boundaries with the most powerful tools in his toolbox...and, most likely, the ones that he has used to his advantage in th past---guilt tripping you and triggering your sense of responsibility for his very life...

Consider this.....being with him has not prevented him from alcohol poisioning or be "near death" several times......so, what he wants is not what he needs....
At a certain point it is time to let go and let God....because you are only a mortal human.....

Another consideration....think of your 12yr. old boys....you are doing the right thing fir them....they are at a critical age, right now....just before puberty hits, bigtime....and, there could be nothing worst than to have them living under the same roof as active alcoholism during the teen years....
Here is where you do have some control and power to offer them a better life...and, direct your energies toward them when they are going to be needing your guidance more than ever.....

AnvilheadII

it sort of just snowballed, didn't it? he left his work phone and you simply were doing the civil thing trying to get it back to him. then comes the lack of response. then the boss calling. and THEN what the heck are you supposed to do??

it's tough sledding. they sure don't make any of this easy, do they?

sotired77

Thank you all for your kind words. You always know exactly what to say and it brings tears to my eyes. I had a rough night last night. I was cooking dinner for my boys, when my son told me there were two men outside, wanting to speak with me. It turned out to be AH's supervisor. They wanted to know if I had heard anything from AH. They had no contact from him and he was not picking up his phone or returning any texts. I explained that we were going through a separation and I believed he was not handling it well (I didn't mention he is on an alcohol binge). I told his supervisor I would try to get my AH to reach out to explain. It was a difficult moment for me because I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to make things worse. I called AH and told him. He went off into a rant and raged about how everyone was just out to get him and no one cared. He said "F**ck them and F**k you too!" At that moment I just hung up. I was angry. I was feeling fine but then at bed time, I started worrying about his mental health and thinking that he might be suicidal. I kept telling myself not to call him, but I ended up doing it. BIG MISTAKE! He had turned his phone off. This just sent me into a further panic. I started to worry more. Is he dead? Did he decide to end it? I can't even do a welfare check, because I don't know where he is. I couldn't sleep all night worrying. I end up texting him a kind and gentle text, telling him that there is always hope and that I love him very much, hoping that he would see it if he ever turned his phone on. I slept like 2 hours, and in the morning I kept trying (phone still off). I read and read SR posts. I spoke with friends and family. I focused on my kids. All of this helped to calm me. I got another call from his supervisor. He said he just needed a request for time off. Even if it comes from me. It would help so that he can provide my AH the time off that he needs. He just needed an email from me stating that my AH is not well enough to come in. I sent the email (it is the truth after all). I felt like was enabling but I didn't care. I just didn't have the energy to think about it. Finally, at noon, AH must have turned his phone on and read my text, because he called me. He was no longer in a rage and was able to speak with me in a more reasonable fashion. We talked and I felt this huge weight lift off my shoulders. He still didn't agree to stop drinking or make better choices, but I knew he was alive so I felt so much better. I was able to go back to normal life again. I got an email from the lawyer, with all of the paperwork ready. It just needs both of our signatures. I just don't feel I can do that right now.
I'm worried it will throw him over the edge. Plus, he won't tell me where he is, so it's not like I can take the papers to him. I'm going to have explain to the lawyer that AH is MIA. I honestly don't even know if I want a divorce anymore. Maybe this separation is better. I don't know, I think right now, I'm too tired. I know this was a long post, but it feels good to put it all down on here. Thank you all for being there and for your wisdom. It is worth more than gold!!!!

amy55

Sotired, I'm so sorry that he did that to you. He knew exactly what he was doing when he turned that phone off. He wanted you to worry about him because you were filing for divorce. How do I know that, well, I guess I don't, but my ex did the exact thing when I told him I wanted a divorce.

He was out partying, perhaps not thinking of you, or thinking of you and how he was going to get revenge.

I remember this one time, my ex ran away from home. I know that's silly to say, but it's true. He stayed away for about 3 days, went to Atlantic City, just to drink. He shut off his phone the whole time he was there. I had no idea of where he was, and I was worried. Then he turned his phone on when he was leaving Atlantic City. He was drunk. He was driving and he was drunk. I tried to talk him into pulling over and going to a motel. He wouldn't listen. He shut the phone off again. He called me when he was about 20 mins from our house. He called to tell me that he would be home shortly. When he came home, he walked in the door, and said, Here's Johnny, like that scene from The Shining.

See, the thing is you are talking about how he is going to take the divorce and you are worried about him. He was OK that entire time, you are the one that was not OK.

This, and his antics are throwing you over the edge, not him, this was all planned for your empathy, and his way of manipulation. What did he do to actually harm himself, then think about how all this harmed you.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

FeelingGreat

Amy, he just wants to drink. I'm sure he's upset about his marriage and his job, but it hasn't resulted in him taking action on his drinking.

I hope you gave his work phone to his supervisor. It might be prudent to email him (the supervisor) and tell him that from now on you will not be a conduit between your AH and his work.

This is a crucial time for your AH. One, maybe two parts of his life are in crisis but while you're running interference for him, chasing after him, he's not in a position where he has to decide things on his own, and own his actions. I'm not sure about you, but the times in my life where I made the most progress were when other people stepped back and left me to it. Coping on my own gave me the biggest sense of achievement.

All the best; I hope you are looking after yourself and not just him.

RollTide

I was in the same type of situation with my XAH years ago. I had been through so much insanity that I had to finally accept that 100% of me could not change 1% of him. He needed a savior and I was not qualified. I accepted that he might die but that I could not stop it. Once I truly accepted this I was able to go ahead with my life and let him and God handle it.

You've got to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children. He is a grown man who should be helping and at a very minimum taking care of himself. Let him go.

LoveMeNow

I am sorry you for all that you are going through. I remember those days so well.

It took me a while to understand how manipulated I had become. These words helped me so much so I would like to share them.

Alcoholics/addicts do not have relationships, they only have hostages. Right now you have become his emotional hostage. Save yourself and your children.

Eauchiche

^^^^ This might be a useful emotion for you at this time....

I am SO sorry for what you are going through.

I know the point of all our recovery work is detachment.....eventually. It seems that when you are not angry with him, he is manipulating your emotions all over the place and causing you to lose a lot of peace of mind.

May be anger right now is a good thing? It might be what you need to help you over the divorce and the other challenges ahead of you.

hopeful4

I am so sorry friend. It sounds to me like you need a day of R&R and to take really good care of yourself and your children.

Sending you huge hugs.

SmallButMighty

This makes me cry. I can feel the anxiety surge in my chest and my head start to spin. It brings me back to a place I left behind several years ago...but will never forget. It was so overwhelming, I damn near lost myself in all that darkness. The push and the pull, the frustration and confusion, the helplessness. The kids. The financial fears....I am so very sorry that you are enduring this chaos sotired. So very sorry.

I hope you can get some rest and catch up on some sleep. I know how utterly exhausted you are, not only with the lack of slumber but with the mental and emotional gymnastics you have been going through. Your body and brain need a break.

Like I mentioned before my AXH used to pull disappearing acts too. He also knew I was terrified he would commit suicide and he used that as a form of manipulation. He hated himself for doing that to me, but admitted that he would do anything to feed his demons. He knew keeping me scared and unstable, swirling in chaos, prevented me from getting my feet back under myself and running for the hills. It worked for a long time. I got very sick. I set very bad examples for my children. So did he. I'm ashamed of that.

I think you know, he is drinking because that's what active alcoholics do. They drink.
I think you know nothing you say or do will make him drink, or not.
I think you know nothing you say or do can or will save his life
I think you know if he makes bad choices, that's not your fault

I also think you need to keep reminding yourself of those things. I hope you do.

You can't fix him, he has to do that, but you can remove yourself from the chaos and start the fixing sotired project. It's so much more doable. Hard, but doable. That doesn't have to mean divorce...but it does mean you have to stop trying to manage his life, allow him the dignity of doing that for himself.

My heart hurts for you because I remember how hard this stuff is, you will be in my thoughts today. Beaming you some strength, and some peace as you work through this stuff.

trailmix

SBM, thanks for sharing that.

Sotired, I hope you will read this over and over as it is exactly what is happening here. He is in a hotel or somewhere, drinking away the daylight and hiding from the world.

That is not something you can control. Please don't think that your leaving him or not will change his behaviour.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.

Those words are true. Is he addicted, most certainly, does he want help, doesn't look like it right now. He knows where "help" is, he knows who can help him but he is not choosing that. He won't even tell you where he is.

You have been married to him for years, if your love and caring could cure him, he would be sober today and life would be good for you two. You can't. He has to want it. Mental illness is a tough road. Combine that with a mind altering drug and it's just a disaster. You know this already, so does he.

The divorce papers can wait, not that you could serve them anyway, however does that mean you should stop your plans to separate because he is throwing a hissy fit (yes, that's what he is doing).

It's a tough choice but the manipulation of you and your life needs to stop now perhaps? Nothing pretty about manipulation. I was in a relationship once and the person would be kind and great as long as he was getting his own way. After a while, when I wouldn't comply with his demand that I move in with him, the manipulation started.

It was quieter at first. Then he would get in to full blown rages, why would I not do what I said I was going to do (initially I said I would, saying no 100 times can't cancel that apparently). He would scream and yell and question my intentions and character. I just attempted to explain, although that was a waste of time, he wasn't listening.

My point is, nothing will change, even if he managed to sober up enough today to come home, what has changed? He wants to drink, you don't want to live with an active alcoholic. That's your boundary and you are entitled to it.

atalose

I say this with kindness and with YOUR best interest in mind, not his.

There is nothing “normal” about stopping a divorce because an alcoholic played the big card and ran away from home and used the worst kind of emotional weapon he could think of. And to boot he’s told you he’s not going to stop drinking yet here you are ready to put the brakes on a new and healthier life for yourself and your children.

There is a reason they say, alcoholics don’t have relationships – they take hostages. And you just experienced that first hand.

dandylion

sotired...I agree with those who say that some justifiable anger would be a good emotion for you to have, right now.....
anger can be quite constructive, sometimes….and, I do think you have a right to feel angry....as he is doing a job on you!

When I said, in above post, that your boundaries were going to be "tested by fire".....I wasn't kidding!