Lunchbox1

—For the past 2 summers, AH (a hole? alcoholic husband? what’s the difference?) has been texting me
negative and threatening articles about Florida, where we visit my family yearly. Today it was about increased shark
presence. When I confront him, he tells me “it just popped up in my news feed. If you don’t care about sending the kids far into the ocean, well...”. I generally snap at him
and call him on it. What would you do? Plz
no shaming responses.

AnvilheadII

1. don't reply or respond or react
2. delete the text
3. let it go

if this has been happening for two years it's hardly a surprise. you mentioned before the upcoming trip. consider it what he does and leave him to it.

his shark texts aren't really the issue tho............are they?

August252015

Hey lunchbox- glad to see you are still around...don't know what you mean by shaming posts...but I'll just say it sounds like similar go-rounds (esp by text- so easy to do with anyone, let alone an alcoholic!!) as you've told us about.

Thoughts on what YOU think you should do? I know a lot of us made suggestions on your last thread that didn't really seem to be acceptable to you, at least now.

I'd have to learn to NOT respond to this stuff. Hugely challenging I know, but I also know engaging with anyone like this is only bad for .... me and my sanity.

Lunchbox1

trailmix

Two sides of the street - yours and his.

His side is sending texts guaranteed to anger you and have you respond (playing right in to his hand). That is his goal. He wants a reaction.

Your side is to ignore the text, delete it and move along with your day. You may think that by "defending" yourself you are not allowing him to get one up at you, not allowing him to think you are foolish enough to care about his texts? In fact you are doing the opposite, he is enjoying this.

No reply = no fun.

trailmix

The issue is you are living with an abuser. He will continue to abuse you, it's what he does, he's quite happy and nothing you do or say will change that.

All you can do is not play.

That's it.

Lunchbox1

Lunchbox1

Needabreak

It seems like you're asking for advice on how to control him, or for a post from someone here that you can run and show him and tell him, "see, I'm not the only one who thinks you're being a jerk."

The problem is, he is an alcoholic. Jerkish behavior is part of the disease. Expecting him to relate to you in a respectful way is like going to the hardware store and expecting them to have a loaf of bread to sell you.

One day you will finally get tired of trying to change him, but for now the cycle will continue.

trailmix

Not only did you reply (as was his plan)

- He is article by article destroying your holiday (and you haven't even left yet)
- He is having fun at your expense
- You not only replied, you went along with him!

SparkleKitty

I would ignore him.

Ariesagain

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

You two are locked into a destructive pattern. He pokes you, you snap back, he gloats, you get angry. Repeat. All of your reactions and emotions are completely valid and understandable.

But are they getting you anywhere?

There are marriages where people stay together for decades locked in an eternal game of proving one is right and the other is wrong. And some people actually enjoy that constant bickering and that’s their contract.

Obviously it’s completely up to you if the price of getting out is too high or if you actually prefer this kind of dynamic.

But you won’t change him one bit, no matter what you do or how you label his behavior. All you can do is accept it as it is and try to be okay with that while addressing your own stuff best you can.

Wishing you well.

SmallButMighty

My AXH used to pull the passive aggressive jerk routine on me too. It sucked. It was manipulation pure and simple. For a long time I "fell" for it. It mostly stopped when I decided I would not engage. It took practice and patience ( and more then a few tears shed in frustration and hurt)... But eventually my new tactic gave me a peace I'd not known before. Life was a lot calmer when I stopped engaging with his crappy behavior... he would try, I'd ignore, he'd get pissy, it wouldn't be my problem. That was that. It wasn't easy to learn a new way of being...but I'm damn glad I did.

BTW.. I live in Florida. My daughter and I spent 4 hours today swimming in the Gulf of Mexico and didn't see one single shark, other aquatic life yes, but no sharks.. I've never seen a shark at the beach here... I saw a whole lot of other people also swimming in the Gulf.. they nor their children appeared to be eaten by sharks either...millions of people visit Florida every year, 99.99999% go home intact, millions live here... the sharks have not taken over, I assure you.

I'm sorry your husband is being a jerk. I hope you decide to stop letting the stupid things he says and texts get under your skin. I know that's hard, but I hope you at least give it a try. I promise it will be worth it.

amy55

Hi,

What I found out after living through this, you can't make sense out of nonsense. My ex wouldn't text me, he would follow me around the house for hours until he got a reply out of me. I turned passive aggressive myself because I couldn't deal with the hounding me. By the time I got to that place though, I no longer cared if anything I said or didn't say triggered him. My replies were: hmmm, uh-huh, I see, whatever. I don't advise that. You need to learn how to just ignore those texts. I don't know if you told us if he follows-up with you face to face if you ignore them.

For me, I got to the point that if I didn't leave, it was either him or me. I left for his safety, because I no longer cared about my own life.

I tried to figure out for years why he was like he was, it wasn't until after I left that I started to think, why did I stay so long?

I remember there was this one time that I just sat there and listened to him go over a huge list of all the things that were wrong with me, I didn't say a word to him while he did that, then I watched him have his own war inside his own head because I did not participate in his fight.

Take care, just know when you participate in their fights, that you are JADEing. Justify, argue, defend, explain, and you are giving them more ammunition.

For me, the way I had to stop it was to leave.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Seren

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