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Fiancé abuses alcohol. Wedding in 6 weeks, deciding whether to call it off.



Fiancé abuses alcohol. Wedding in 6 weeks, deciding whether to call it off.

Old 06-03-2019, 04:48 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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In my functional phase I was drinking around the same amount as your fiancé, perhaps a little more, and was capable of stopping for the month of January without difficulty, sometimes even did January and February off. By the I was drinking 100 units a week, unable to go a day without, and my life was non-functional. I am just providing this information to show the progression of the disease, I am not saying your fiancé is or isn't an alcoholic, that isn't for me to say.
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Old 06-03-2019, 05:31 PM
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Expectations

In your original post, you worry that your fiance might become a future alcoholic. You don't have to worry. He already is one.
Also, you talk about certainty. I am here to let you know that there is absolutely zero certainty in life. Whether you marry an alcoholic or not, there is no guarantee. Ever.
please continue to read and study so you can weigh your benefits and risks to make a decision that works for you.
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Old 06-03-2019, 06:51 PM
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Trailmix nailed it: "The fact that he cannot quit drinking on his own indicates a problem."

Our "lines" become so blurred with addicts. We accept what most would never find as acceptable. The fact that we're even counting!? Damn I wouldn't even drink that much orange juice in one evening or weekend... just sayin' to bring some perspective!

Honestly, looking back... I'm deeply thankful for 2 things: I didn't get married or have children (we were very close many times) with my XAGF. Leaving that relationship was HELL without those obstacles.

When you begin counting their drinks, there's a problem. When you begin, doubting... there's a problem. When you see the RED FLAGS -- don't ignore them like I did, save yourself... now.
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Old 06-03-2019, 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Chrysene View Post
Hello: I am under some time pressure and seeking insight. Fiancé (40M) and I (39F) have been together 2 years, engaged 8 months, wedding is in 6 weeks. No kids. He stopped drinking for 7 months (when we got engaged), and started again two months ago.

I am am making the unfortunate decision of whether to 1) cancel or postpone the wedding; and 2) stay with him or leave.

The issue is that he is not an “alcoholic” by clinical definition, but abuses alcohol. He has 2-3 drinks every night on weekdays, and 4-8 on weekends, mostly wine, alternating with a glass of water. Never belligerent, doesn’t get wasted, no DUI, not passed out, basically no classic external signs.

He is fully functional, excels at his job (finance), does all the house errands (above and beyond), which I appreciate as I have a demanding job (lawyer), etc. All the strong qualities of a great husband. He admits there is a problem with drinking, never denies it.

Postpone! I ignored my instincts with my problem drinker boyfriend, then fiance, and now husband. The drinking only accelerated over time into full-blown alcoholism. He still functions at a job, can be very sweet and helpful, but is an unreliable partner. I also have 2 small children with him and now am reaching my limit of dealing with someone "in recovery" who keeps relapsing.

Your fiance is telling you he has an alcohol problem and you feel something isn't right. Trust your gut! It's easier to break it off now than later when your lives and finances are entangled.
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Old 06-03-2019, 07:51 PM
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I’d postpone if I were you. He drinks a lot and even if he is « high functioning » right now it will likely progress. Does he have addiction in his family? I knew my SIL was a drug addict (we ended up raising her kids) but never knew about my now ex in laws both being alcoholics. They didn’t really drink much anymore once I met them but the dad was a dry drunk.
Plus he may be drinking a lot more. I would drink wine with my ex and then he drank hard liquor on his own in the middle of the night because he was an insomniac.
The fact that he went for trying to drink in moderation and then went right aback to where he was would be a red flag for me.
What I learned also is that high functioning usually means they can keep up appearances and do well at work but that at home is usually where they stop functioning, at least emotionally.
My ex is a successful professional and overall a good person. I used to drink with him, a couple of glasses of wine every night. We stopped drinking at home a few years ago (mostly when we got the kids) but that didn’t stop him from drinking on the sneaks and it only got worse. He is clean now but it came too late for me. He really destroyed the relationship. 2 years earlier we probably would’ve survived but I hit rock bottom those last 2 years.
I would probably give it a year of being clean and sober and in true recovery (working a program). Until alcoholics truly understand that they can never touch alcohol again they will not stay sober. If you can check out Pleasure unwoven, it is a really good documentary about alcoholism.
Canceling your wedding sucks but if you are having doubts then don’t go through it, your concerns are very legit.
This is from web md btw, js to t because someone doesn’t gets sloshed each time he drinks doesn’t mean he does have a problem. Needing to drink every day is a red flag even if he doesn’t get drunk. And he may be drinking more than you think. It bothers you and eventually resentment will build and that’s when thing will get ugly.
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/...ng-alcoholic#1
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Old 06-04-2019, 05:02 AM
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Actor Philip Seymour Hoffman died of an overdose after years of sobriety.

As a widow of an alcoholic, I was particularly alert to any signs of addiction when dating again. I gave a pass to a very nice fellow who had been sober over 30 years. I just wasn't going to take the chance again.

I am of the opinion that once someone has become addicted, the struggle to stay sober never, ever ends. I had a former colleague who dropped by to make amends to our boss for her drinking during her employment. I had no idea, in fact, she was sponsoring newbies in AA during the time she worked with us.

I was lonely after my husband's death. And bereft. I loved him, even though I had been planning to leave him. I had just decided I wasn't going down with the ship. That loneliness was awful, but it was nothing compared to coming home to someone who had lost his job, had few prospects of getting another one, had no incentive to look for one, and just didn't give a s--t about my feelings. There was a point during his addiction when I started to think about suicide, and that thought didn't scare me. Home was no longer a respite from the world. It was just a place with more rubbish to clean, more people to pick up after, where my AH, whom I loved (still do, in a way) had a kind word and time for everything except me. I understand now that he was powerless to change. He couldn't even try. But I should have gotten out way before I did. I was afraid to be alone, didn't know how I'd manage without him financially (well,at the end he wasn't working) or practically. He died, and I found out how to do those things. I miss the man I married, but he was gone years before he died.
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Old 06-04-2019, 06:59 AM
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Velma, powerful post. Much of what you said resonates strongly w/me, perhaps most of all your last line. Thanks for taking the time and effort to share.

Chrysene, you've gotten a lot of great shares, insight and info here. I hope you find the clarity to see your path and the strength and courage to follow it.
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Old 06-04-2019, 09:11 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Just checking back in and wondering your thoughts from our shares and ideas and experience, Chrysene?

One thing I chose to overlook when I wanted to keep on drinking - and not have consequences- was the inconvenient fact that the responses people gave to me were nearly universal. They simply didn't "support" the fact that I was ok. Don't care the label but when it's time to think about, even initially as I'd say you are in terms of action, the idea of an unmanageable life, as AA Step 1 (part 2) challenges us with and as do the growing schools of why people quit drinking, things are already beyond any concept of "control" we mistakenly have. I mean that for both the alcoholic/problem drinker/whatever - AND (any) you in a relationship with that person.

Hope you take what we are, indeed, collectively saying (except the person "not in the USA" who I was quite dismayed to read a response from) in grave seriousness.

Why "grave"? Because this is a life and death matter. Eventually for him, if he doesn't stop....and emotionally and spiritually and mentally for you.

Getting sober takes great courage and strength and commitment to us alcoholics. Choosing the life you want also takes those same things. Best to you for the best- daring- choice for yourself.
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Old 06-05-2019, 06:47 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Thank you for your care and input

Thank you. I’ve been re-reading each comment in the past days. I recognize the message is clear and universal. I talked to my father, I am going to make a decision in the next week or so. This is to give guests a month’s notice.

I’ve attended two Al-Anon meetings so far. Read several books. We are in counseling twice a week.

Between now and decision day, I’m going to find out about 1) his willingness to stop drinking; 2) try my best to assess likelihood of success; and 3) decide for myself “is this the life I want.”
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Old 06-05-2019, 07:31 AM
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I've delayed responding to this thread because I have been where you are and I have been doing very well and quite frankly, didn't want to go back to those memories. My xah, white-knuckled sobriety for 1 year after he proposed, until a month before the wedding so he could "participate" in bachelor parties and the other "normal" activities that go along with a wedding. I found out much later, he hadn't actually quit drinking all together, just became better at hiding it, which is it's own kind of hurt. As well, as smoking weed and prescription abuse to "help" with his lack of alcohol consumption.

I ignored all the red flags and believed he would out grow it or change and couldn't look forward enough to see how difficult the future would be. Married to an addict, two little kids and a decade later I was a shell of my former vibrant, confident self. My life completely evolved around what he was doing or not doing, who he was with, where he was, etc.

I've been out for some years, life is good. We have no contact with the xah. The pain of staying became greater than the pain of leaving him. I don't know if I would have reached out first and gotten the same (amazing and spot-on) responses you have here that I would have ended the relationship or not. I was in my own bubble and never asked for advice or help.

I guess all that to say, in my experience, I would always try to make a big deal about "if he would just not drink, things would be better ... " eventually I had to accept that he was showing me who he really was. If it wasn't alcohol it would be something else. Always. Before me. Before the kids. Before everything.

Wishing you the best in your decision.
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Old 06-05-2019, 09:15 AM
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Chrysene- those are heartening things to hear, as to your plans. I'm also really glad that you have a dad you can confide in and it sounds like make this big decision with support.

I'd just gently add the your #2 - assessing the likelihood of success- is a dangerous measure of making this decision. Put simply, another person can never truly determine the success of an alcoholic's sobriety. It's always up to that person, and while I, for example, don't live in fear of drinking again nor does my husband or my family and so on - it's something I am fully committed to no matter what. In fact? It comes before everything else, even my husband whom I adore.

Also, truthfully, you can't determine #1 either- speaking for myself and most alcoholics I know, the lengths to which we can go to convince others we are truly willing to get and stay sober are staggering. And lies, until we actually do it or keep sober.

#3 is the one you get to decide, truly, for yourself and your life.

Take care.
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Old 06-05-2019, 09:56 AM
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It sounds like you are thinking really clearly about all this and I commend you for that. Great that you are attending Al-Anon as well.

Willingness to abstain from drinking is easy to say, very hard to do, as you have already seen. You both agree his drinking is a problem, yet he continues.

Mentioned here a lot is the saying - "Action not words". Words are easy, actions, not so much and those are what will show you the truth.

Perhaps this will help you gauge that:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...full-crap.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
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Old 06-05-2019, 11:48 AM
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Chrysene......I have a question...for the sake of discussion. Why do you have to get married? What would happen, if you didn't?
From what you shared...it doesn't sound like you have a bun in the oven...lol...and it doesn't sound like your dad has a shotgun...
And, you are capable of earning your own good living....and, you don't need him for status, etc...…
It is not like the sound of a biologic clock is ringing in your ears.....

Why can't you continue to share life with him...and see how it goes for the nest few years....As you know, if you have been studying your materials on alcoholism...that it takes a couple of years...or even more...like 3,4, 5...depending on who you are talking to...to see if the life style of total abstainence really takes hold.....
He will never be cured, of course....he will have to commit to the program and principles and the heavy lifting that it requires...for the rest of his life....

It is a lot easier to protect yourself by walking away if that piece of paper, and all that it entails, hanging over your head......
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Old 06-05-2019, 12:14 PM
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Trailmix: excellent read... wow... my ex would have scored 10 for 10 on that test
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Old 06-05-2019, 12:54 PM
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Between now and decision day, I’m going to find out about 1) his willingness to stop drinking; 2) try my best to assess likelihood of success;
Most alcoholics/problem drinkers have a “willingness” to stop/cut back/manage their drinking. The willingness isn’t the problem it’s the follow through and commitment to remain sober. You have already witnessed his willingness and you see how that went. I would think that is a pretty good indication of his success.
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Old 06-05-2019, 12:56 PM
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Also, marriage counseling with an active addict is not very useful.
Likelihood of success is impossible to predict. Relapse rates are pretty high. It all depends on how committed they are, what sort of program they work and if they continue to work it. Because of my ex’ job he is monitored very closely for 5 years. His chance at staying sober is pretty high at least at 5 years. But the stats they
showed us at rehab are somewhat discouraging for continued sobriety after 1 year for a lot of people. And it has a lot to do with resources people have after they get out of rehab and how committed they are to continue to work it. And his level of commitment might be really high at first but could soon disappear. Impossible to predict unfortunately. If only we had a crystal ball.
Willingness to quit drinking, mine did that several times. The second to last time he even told me he realized he could never drink again. That didn’t last....
If you are having doubts so close to the wedding, I think that says a lot. He isnt magically going to change in 6 weeks and even if he did there is no way to know if it will stick.
My ex is sober and overall doing well, but he isn’t the person that I feel in love with. We both have changed a lot, and for me that was to the point I could not stay in the marriage. People change when they get sober and it may or may not be what you like.
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Old 06-05-2019, 01:56 PM
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IMHO you have a golden opportunity to save your own life by cutting this relationship off before the REALLY BIG problems begin. Many people here probably wish they could have done or could do the same.
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Old 06-05-2019, 03:00 PM
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Have you met any children of alcoholics?
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Old 06-05-2019, 03:22 PM
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Chrysene: I'm sure we all sound pretty dismal about a future with an addict/alcoholic. 5 years ago, I would have doubted anyone who even questioned my love or future dreams with my ex girlfriend. And I sure as hell, didn't have the courage to post on SR like you did... I just quietly read... until I found myself here quite a lot.

But there are simply not enough words to describe what it actually feels like to live with an active alcoholic until you find yourself panicking on their rollercoaster of insanity.

My ex was a top VP at the largest bank in the nation. Just like her, I joined in her justification bandwagon.. "it was only 3 glasses at lunch because she was stressed out"... she was dealing with "$1.2 billion dollars today, that entire boxed wine was needed." Listen, yes not everyone turns into my ex but the snowball affect of addiction is like something I've never seen before. It sadly accelerates like a freight train... and before you know it, it's all just too much and you simply cannot understand how things became this bad, this quickly.

There's always exceptions. But if you're counting drinks already...

I wish you the very best and glad to see you're attending Al-Anon and carefully figuring things out.

Oh, yeah... just like Sleepyhollo mentioned... marriage counseling with an active addict is beyond difficult. My therapist reluctantly agreed to see us together 1x but then, refused to help going forward. He said, after 30+ years of dealing with addicts... 99.9% he declines to provide therapy if one of the individuals is in an active state of addiction. Relationships just cannot heal, grow, or forgive if active addition is present.
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Old 06-05-2019, 05:24 PM
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My cousin sent out wedding invitations, and two weeks later called off the wedding.

My college buddy went through with her wedding, and three months later was filing for divorce. She wanted to call it off, even the day of the wedding. Her mother told her she just had cold feet.
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